Bad relationship with father

LegacyUser

Had to go unregd as this is fairly personal. Will try to keep as brief as possible.

Have always had a pretty bad relationship with my father. Am a guy in my mid 20s by the way.

My parents divorced when I was very young. He never treated my mother very well when they were married, and despite my Mums best efforts, the divorce has had lasting effects on my sister and I.

Me in terms of ability to form relationships and to some extent self-esteem, and my sister similarly, but I suspect more deeply so.

I used to miss my Dad when I was a kid, but when I went to visit him, everything was always done on his terms and he has never been a very good father. When I was very young and before I was born, he was never around, wasnt responsible, cheated on my Mum and never paid any maintenance.

This caused and occasionally still causes resentment with my stepdad, who when in a bad mood compares me to my father, saying I am becoming like him in terms of being irresponsible and what have you.

Now and then my Mum compares me with my father - the other day, she said "even your father managed to earn a living for himself in the end", basically sticking the knife in and twisiting it.

I visited my paternal grandmother recently and she kept calling me by my fathers first name and would occasionally say how like him I am. I know that my aunty and uncle who I saw while visiting her also deep down think I am the same as him.

I have always tried to keep an open mind about the situation. I know my father had a bad upbringing and this probably has alot to do with why he is the way he is and why he never got on with his parents, and I always tried to make allowances for this.

But just recently he has wanted me to go and see him and he occasionally leaves messages on my mobile criticising me in one way or another.

And now I am fed up, and I told him I wont be going to see him and that I will not be treated in this way. Most probably he will write or leave a message on my mobile tomorrow, but I am just sick of the way he treats me.

However I also dont like being compared to my father by those people in my family I have mentioned. I may look like him and share some of his traits, but I am not irresponsible and am doing my best trying to find a decent job so I can get on my feet again.

On top of this, my sister has behavioural problems and is living at home at 34, and my younger half-brother is also not finding it easy because of all the stress that my sister has caused in the family in the last 5 years.

Sorry for the lengthy post, and thanks if you are still reading.

I guess my main question is

Does anyone have a similar problem to the above with a bad relationship with a parent and how do/did they handle the situation?

Beruthiel

Unregd wrote:

I used to miss my Dad when I was a kid, but when I went to visit him, everything was always done on his terms and he has never been a very good father. When I was very young and before I was born, he was never around, wasnt responsible, cheated on my Mum and never paid any maintenance.

unacceptable behaviour from any parent and I can understand how difficult it must be for you to take on board that this man did not care enough about his kids to make sure they were feed and watered so to speak

This caused and occasionally still causes resentment with my stepdad, who when in a bad mood compares me to my father, saying I am becoming like him in terms of being irresponsible and what have you.

also totally unacceptable and I suggest that you speak to your mother immediately and explain that you are nothing like your father and comments like that one from your stepdad are totally unhelpful and do nothing for your well being or self esteem.
As an adult your stepdad should know better, it needs to be pointed out to him. He probably says it in order for you to change.

even your father managed to earn a living for himself in the end

good lord, I don't understand some people, does she know what's she's doing to you by saying such a thing. A parenting course wouldn't go astray here!

I visited my paternal grandmother recently and she kept calling me by my fathers first name and would occasionally say how like him I am.

Grannies are like that in fairness

I know that my aunty and uncle who I saw while visiting her also deep down think I am the same as him.

We are all a product of our parents in many ways. This does not mean we will turn out like them if we can see their flaws.
I swore to myself that I would be nothing like my mother with regards to bringing up my child, because of her I went out of my way to study up on the subject, even did a parenting course (which was fantastic, every parent should be made do one by law!).
I have managed the job very well I believe and can be proud of myself there.
I'm pointing out to you that if you wish to do something differently to your parents, you can, you just need the will and motivation, nothing is written in stone.

I know my father had a bad upbringing and this probably has alot to do with why he is the way he is and why he never got on with his parents, and I always tried to make allowances for this.

Fair play to you, I was 27 before I could bring myself to understand that, that is the starting point for you. I read a book called "My Mother, Myself" by Nancy Friday before I understood that completely. Your father was taught how to be a parent by his parents, the teaching was obviously very flawed and he never took the time to see if there was another way of doing things. Understanding that he is a product of his parents makes you see him as the flawed human he is. I'm guessing that you have a much more rounded view of the whole situation than either of your parents, be proud of that fact.

But just recently he has wanted me to go and see him

perhaps he is beginning to regret

he occasionally leaves messages on my mobile criticising me in one way or another.

very helpful
btw, are there any grounds for this criticism?
can I ask how old you are?

However I also dont like being compared to my father by those people in my family I have mentioned.

as difficult as it may be, try to ignore stupid comments like this.

but I am not irresponsible and am doing my best trying to find a decent job so I can get on my feet again.

if the will is strong in you then you will do it, have faith in yourself

Does anyone have a similar problem to the above with a bad relationship with a parent and how do/did they handle the situation?

oh there are many people. Did you read the other thread on this forum on the same subject? I handled the situation by reading up on the subject of parenting, parents, relationships and by swearing to myself that I would change what I didn't like (yes, I can admit now to having some of my mothers traits ) working on them, changing them will make you proud of yourself. It can be done.

walrusgumble

right boss how are you , dont worry you are definitely not on your own.

I am 21. parents were married for bout 21 years and officially seperated last month, seperated for 2 years. i can honestly say i was relieved. to be honest i still have the feeling that if there was a gun in my hand and my dad was in front of me i would shoot him there and then and feel nothing.

Like your dad he had a crap childhood, a bad tempered father, dad wass always ill, to be honest he has a mental problem, our do even confirmed it. starngely on my dad's side of the family the eldest son or in his case youngest never got on well with there dads. and this is not just da normal teenage stuff

so like you i have spend over 20 years, all your childhood suffering from the crap and carry on by your father. he was never physically violent (da few times ye but i put an end to that when i was 16 when i went for him and let rip, not proud of it thou) he wa more verbally abusive towards me and my mother and then my brother and sister when they turned 16. imagine what its like to be oftern told that i was a mistake, now that oftern happens but parents oftern joke about imagine being told that alot. or being told tat i wass the cause of the fights between mam and him. now i am not totlally innocent i was and prob still am lippy. but unlike mam i wassnt prepared to sit down and take his crap, one thing i will always stand up for myself, sometimes not a good idea.

anyway i try to keep it short bout my story. much of it is similiar to urs. i left my town for the other side of the country. even though hes been gone for 2 years but still only round the corner, but because the court case draged on his stench is still at home. it has really f^&ked me my sis and bro and i think ma is begining to crack. this whole crap has left it hard for me to trust people,put me off marriage and only for s3x put me off relaionship(exception to 1 or 3)

walrusgumble

with regard to your step dad and mam, try not take this harsh but maybe thats a wake up call they are trying to get you to get out of his mode. i got it i have a temper like my da. i think first get a paper write all the sh^&e tats on ur mind, uncensored, the hatred guilt etc. go away then look at it and see if your mind has changed, question yourself what makes u similar to ur dad. i dont know if it advisable to isolate yourself from everyone, u need ur family and close friends (ur real ones) try to sit down and speak to your mam about it (less of that ah im a lad i cant express myself it too g6y becuse its rubbish, if more people did it things maybe different) please lisen to what ur mam gotta say. just remember who will have loads of friends but honestly your best friend should be ur ma (no it aint g3y lol) what do you think of ur step dad? you gotta accept that ur ma loves him and he prob makes her happy, better in long run for u to be friends for ur sake and ur ma. talk to him if ya can but just listen no fighting and getting defensive, try to control temper, ye ya mightnt hear wat ya wanna hear but least ur getting the truth.

maybe u need to talk to a counsellor, to be honest i still havent done this but i will have to. my sis has one. i am ok when i am not aggravated, but i have really lost it (though never let rip) in the last few months me and my ex were with each other. we were with each other for ya year. to be honest i realised i wass coming like my da, stopped trusting her etc in my mind coming out with same crap as my da, even began to understand his attitude towards women.yes sometimes they are c&*ts but theres always two sides to a story, we lads just ass bad, anyway everone shocked we finished usual people coming up saying sorry bla bla, (fu7k off i always taugh u were a kn*&head anyway was my response in my head) anyway the break up was for the best i knew that was cool with it. time was up and i wanted to end. but beause i have learned to chill out and the fact i am able to identify what makes me similair to da i always promise myself not to be like him. sometimes it doesnt always work to plan, i think u know what i mean by being a twat with people. ya dont mean it but i comes out cause somethings bothering ya. by getting a counsellor (look around or maybe a true friend will do, just make sure there not condesending t$ats, just people who will listen) they can give u professional help on ur probs, they dont know u so they can give u an honest evaluation. dont worry no one needs to know. just if u need to talk talking to ur mates all the time may lead u to wrecking their heads.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. It helps to see other perspectives and know it is not just me in a situation like this.

(Beruthiel I am 25 yrs old by the way - I think you asked...)

Did a search of old threads and came across a few similar situations.

Today home has been awkward yet again. My Dad called as I expected and I just didnt need to speak to him...he left a message saying "you're sacked". That was all he said.

I think I said he tries to be quite controlling - he seems to think I am some kind of employee at his beckoned call. Admittedly I have done some stuff to help him with his business - emailing, faxing, setting up a website, etc., but all the time I felt a bit used.

Although I have tried empathising with his side of the story, I really dont think him having a bad upbringing justifies the fact that he treats me so badly.

I am a fairly understanding and empathetic person - I take after my Mum in that respect - and there is every chance I will be in a sympathetic mood one day and my Dad will ring and I will say "oh all right then," and keep in touch again.

At the same time, I am already emotionally damaged by all of this, and I want to just try and get on with improving other areas of my life. I really dont need more hassle.

I know that not staying in touch with my Dad, I will think about him now and then and feel guilty - that is just the kind of person I am.

It is not like I can just blank forget about him - I look like him and there will probably be more comparisons and criticisms as I have spelled out above.

It occasionally makes me think "I am just fed up of being me," if that makes any sense. And that is not good, I realise.

I am fairly sure if I was living away from home again and having a tough time, I would turn to drink as I have done in the past...

Reading all of the above, although I have a good psychological awareness of myself, I am starting to think I should seek some kind of therapy, as I have been thinking for some time that I might need it.

walrusgumble

ur self esteem is down cause of ur dad, any family around u. speak to ur da tell him straight out what u hink of him seeing he was never shy doing that to u, bear in mind be ready to leg it it could get nasty. stop returning his calls. my sis had to change her no. he was going round my mates an bro trying to get my address in college and no. luckily they knew better. u be surprised how much , when he is on his own, the guilt he will feel when he finally lost his son, and in some time HE WILL.

the reason ya gotta cut off links with him is so to give urself space. hopefully u will prove u have enough of him and his crap. to be honest for now u gotta be selfish u gotta look after urself no one else will, take the help of ur family and mates by all means.

as for da rest of ur family, dont kno if this is all legit or good advice but it means well, but u gotta say to urself f&*K them i gonna prove to them i aint like him. i gonna prove myself. everyone does have the potential to be great. maybe not great as in genius like pro footballers or fancy lawyers and business people, but great as u can feed urself get a job tat U like, be INDEPENDENT. by the way i aint saying of all religious and spritual etc lol. maybe it would be a good idea once u patch things up with ur sis, ma, step dad, dad to some extent and friens and most important YOURSELF to leave the area u live an find a palce to start a fresh. this wont guarantee that ur probs will leave maybe u will have new ones there. but thats life man ya just gotta get on with things and take small steps and try to deal with it.

whatever u do stay the hell away from drink and drug abuse. the high might be good now but the comedown will be waiting, and it will kick you. i always am happy that i never went that far. why? i had a great ma,sis and bro and friends. they are my family. stand by eachother.

walrusgumble

like i said ONLY YOU WILL BE ABLE TO HELP YOURSELF. things cant be that bad you cant be a bad fella, ya havent been kicked out of home etc. YOU JUST NEED A CHANCE. there are good people out there. maybe get involve with youth clubs or voluntary groups. helping people and realising ur good at it may help esteem. you maybe good at this you know what its like to be down in the gutter and the whole world kicking ya down.

i know some of that sounds daft i know what my response to some of this would be if u said this to me, i maybe who the f*k u on bout u know nought bout me etc. but look what always makes u happy? what do u love the most what gets u away from the crap. start doing things that make u happy, if it means turning on music and dancing round ur bedroom like a gimp so be it but obviously do it with curtains close lol. hopefully ya get the drift.

as for ur dad, ye right now ya dont need him. sometimes in some families the mother or other siblings resent that that that one of the kids are still in contact with the da. well u do cause u still love him. fair enough. or maybe ya feel guilty or sorry for him.reasonable. but look u are not fault for the marriage break up f78k what anyone says. ur da must have been a pr89k ur ma had enough of him so dont drag urself down with him. UR NOT HIM, U KNOW THIS, NOW PROVE TO URSELF THAT U R U, DIFFERENT FROM HIM. WHEN U CAN DO THIS THEN ITS EASIER TO PROVE TO EVERYONE THIS. then they will back off. dont be afraid tell ur mam that it doesnt help when u are being compared to him.

hopefully once you get ur esteem back build relationships with friends then u can attempt to build a better relationship with ur dad and step dad. time does heal and this really really is true. ok its not like when ur mad bout something really stupid then 20 minutes later ya laugh and wonder why ya were so p1st off, but at some point time does heal.

keep replyng and tell me wat u think. and wat ur doing. honestly i cant say if i will ever speak to my dad again, its being 3 years, but at least its my choice. the anger is going. just stay positive things will sort it self out

sachamama

we are all combinations of both parents. both my parents ****ed me up big time, the hardest part for me was seeing them in myself and not hating myself.

dont worry, you are not alone. certainly not.

it sounds to me like its time for you to look deeper into yourself. it might be co-incidence that everyone around you is likening you to your dad to make you face this in yourself. you are also like your mother in some ways too, but most of all you are yourself. dont forget that part.

i have my fathers nasty hurtful temper and it took me years to sort out how to deal with it. i still catch it, i still lash out and ive stopped hating myself for it. i just acknowledge it and try to soften it. sometimes i would sit in the car outside the house before i go in, because my fathers worst time of day was coming in the door from work. i dont want to be like that.

i also have my mothers laugh, her taste in art and music and her liking of sparkley things. but i have to acknowledge that i dont have her selfish streak, her manipulitive behaviour and i dont treat people without respect the way she does.
i let her go from my life and in doing that i embraced the good things i have from her. and ive a lot of good things from my dad too - he has a great sense of humor and a brilliant way of knowing a person just by looking in their eyes.

so you are not alone. its good to talk about it. you have some work to do, by yourself and get help if you need to there is nothing, nothing wrong with doing that.
thank the stars, god, or whoever you believe in for leading you to this moment in your life. because from here, your life can begin.

walk in beauty

madeleine42

Hi there,

I can totally sympathise with your situation. My parents divorced a few years back and my father was also not the best..really just had no idea how to be a father. I must admit that he was always fairly okay with me but he really messed my brothers up and I resent that a lot.

Basically, I think all we can do is not let our parents actions define us. Yes, sometimes history repeats itself and people end up like their parents, but these are people who choose not to examine their own lives and you are clearly not one of these people. Whatever your family say to you about being like your father is unfair and i'm sorry you have to put up with that. Understand that parents are only people.They are flawed and messed up (by their own parents) and sometimes don't realise the effect they have on you.

as long as you can try to keep some objectivity about the situation, learn from their mistakes, then you can be happy in the knowledge that you are deciding what kind of person you want to be and not them.

As for your younger sibling, just try to be there for them - let them know that you understand how they feel, that life isn't fair but it can be good.

You seem like a genuine, caring person to me. Don't let them get you down. You're in control of your own life.

take care!
m