bit of a problem

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,
Basically, my problem is that both of my exes are in happy, longterm, loving relationships, and I am still single. Both of them were horrible to me- the first completely broke my heart and now ignores me, the second was really selfish and was also cheating on me with his now-girlfriend. It just gets me down that these horrible people have happy relationships and I'm on my own. Has anyone any advice.

meowCat

gettinmedown wrote:

Hi everyone,
Basically, my problem is that both of my exes are in happy, longterm, loving relationships, and I am still single. Both of them were horrible to me- the first completely broke my heart and now ignores me, the second was really selfish and was also cheating on me with his now-girlfriend. It just gets me down that these horrible people have happy relationships and I'm on my own. Has anyone any advice.

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience.

There seems to be something funny about guys, that they can be the loveliest and most adorable partners if they want to. The same guys can be just right pricks with another girl.

Meaning, it just wasn't ment to be.

I think, no matter how we are treated by our ex-es, it will always be a kick in our ego if they find another partner quicker. Especially if that other partner turns out to be ment for long term.

And, you don't know if they are really that happy!! Nobody can judge a relationship from the outside. That they are dating for a long time doesn't really mean a thing about the quality of that relationship.

Make your peace with the situation. Negative people have a hard time getting someone new interested. Enjoy your freedom during singledom and someone who treats you a lot better will eventually come along! And you will even be glad you got rid of the previous boys so you could get your hands on the new one!

Exon

Nice people finish last!

Stay real and be nice to people though, people who are unnecessarily bad to others are childsbrains.

BeardyGit

I don't know what kind of advice you're looking for to be honest. Maybe the following will help.... [Then again, I've just re-read it and chances are it won't - Sorry it's so long everyone!]

Many years back I got together with a girl I worked with. It was a nice enough thing - Sort of casual which suited me fine. She had other ideas and was very into me. I went along with it anyway as I didn't have anything better to do with my time and wasn't grown up enough to realise how selfish this was. I was having a bit of fun and wasn't really thinking about her feelings. The crowd from work organised a weekend away together and we booked in too - Sounded like a bit of craic. The trip was two weeks away at this stage.

That weekend, I meet another girl. I'm well into her - She's a real little hottie, flirtatious and there's real chemistry between us. I don't do anything much about it but keep my options open, get her number etc.

Next weekend, I'm away with the work crowd and end up in bed with the girl from work. Now, here's the deal - It just doesn't do it for me. The little soldiers putting up a real fight but the morale's low, the heart's not in it to go for le petit mort. So I end up coming across like I'm some stallion in the sack, at it for a ridiculous period of time, even though I'm completely disinterested and can't actually get it over and done with, the lad's still holding the front line, not realising I've surrendered. I end up, believe it or not, faking it. Yes, I kid you not girls - Men do this too. When you're at it long enough you can get away with it....

Next day, she's all rose petals and smiles. I'm bored. No, I tell a lie. I'm thinking of the girl I'd met the previous weekend. I'd actually called her the day before, while away with the crowd from work. You see, a nice enough distraction had become tiresome very quickly, particularly as there was someone much more interesting on the sidelines. So....Here's the worst part of this little story.....

We get back to Dublin that evening - All of us. Bags are dropped off with security at the building we worked in and it's off to the pub. I'm still tired of all the pretense, the smiles, all of it. But I go to the pub, have a pint....Still thinking of the other girl. Here it comes..... I put my coat on and tell her I'm off to the ATM...Back in 10 minutes...blah blah. Off I go with a peck on the forehead and a nod to my workmates....

All the way to a taxi outside, swing by the office to collect my backpack, drop the bag home and straight up to the other girls house. Turn the mobile off on the way and out for the night with her. Never turned the mobile on again, not until I had a new number anyway, never went back to the job, never spoke to any of them again..... :eek:

Was I a turd? You bet. Am I still a turd? Not so much. I had a great relationship with the girl I went to see that night. Several exciting years filled with romance and spontaneity (sometimes anyway!). A relationship that turned me into an emotionally mature man, capable of loving and respecting women instead of treating them like entertainment.

Before I'm lynched for the above attrocity - Yes, I feel terrible about doing what I did to the girl from work. There's a possibility she'll read this, or maybe one of the others who know's the story first hand as such. Believe me when I say that it's possibly the most awful thing I've ever done to another person and I'd never in a million years do it again. But at the time that's what I did. I don't regret it though. I gained so much from it that I have no real reason. It was a learning experience for me and a very valuable one at that. And in a very cruel way, it was a learning experience for her too.

At this point it's worth mentioning something to you girls who are reading this and hating me. You see, up to this point, any girl I'd met and showed an interest in had gone to bed with me if I'd wanted that to happen. Each and every one of them. I instantly lost interest - I mean immediately, no delay. Next morning I was out of there and wouldn't bother my arse picking up the phone when they'd call. Why would I? Sometimes I may have been seeing them on and off for a couple of months before it would be offered up, I'd take it and then head for the hills. Maybe these girls had entered their own comfort zone in a way and didn't feel the need to hold out or whatever. But as soon as I had my way, I was on my way.

The only reason I changed in any way was because the girl I'd dropped everything for that night didn't offer it up - Not for months, many months. By that time I had been slapped into shape....Too late for the girl from work who I know had her heart broken. But not too late for me. I went from being a complete ****head (substitute your own string of abusive terms) to a nice enough lad in a matter of a few months. It's possible the same has happened to your ex's.

I guess all that won't really help you feel too good about yourself though. I mean, nobody would like to consider themselves lucky to have been used, would they? But maybe something in the above will strike a chord with you and you might take something from it. Doubtless, many boardies will.

Gil
Don't hate the player....He's retired

Ruu_Old

Dont mind about your exes, get out into the world and show them you wont be put down by them. Its about you and not them.

CathyMoran

I do think that you need to move on - the best form of revenge is being happy and living your own life, not thinking about the past and what might have been.

In the end, these relationships were not meant to be, they were not right for you - why would you want to be wth someone who was horrible to you, you deserve better.

Wurly

think of it as a lucky escape. Think how you would be if you were with either of your ex's who treated you so badly. Miserable and low in yourself most probably.

My ex cheated on me with a girl five years ago . They are still together and getting married at the end of the year. When I found out, initially I was a bit jealous. But then I copped on. Im worth so much better than he could ever give me.

Use this single period as a time for self discovery and reflection. Being with someone isnt everything. It will happen when you least expect. So get out there and have some fun. And dont waste a second more thinking about those two losers!!:)

metrovelvet

You need to focus on yourself and not on them. Find ways to be very self centred - in the positive sense not the bad one. Love yourself. Its not that hard. The hardest part is giving yourself persmission to do it.

Oddly when I found out my ex was seeing someone new, it helped me move on quite efficiently. I didnt feel sorry for myself but rather for him and for this new woman he was seeing because I knew he hadnt given it enough reflection to see where things soured and be able to give the best of himself to this new relationship.

Gil Dub - really, why did you spend the energy on such an elaborate lie? I cant see what lesson you learned there either? I ask this without judgement, I just dont get it.

Also - what you lose respect for the women once you sleep with them? Is that just Catholic boy immaturity? I dont get that either. But, it does encourage a theory I have: that we should sleep with guys on the first date just to filter out who are the assholes sooner than later. Who has time to waste on this ****.

LegacyUser

Gil_Dub wrote:

I don't know what kind of advice you're looking for to be honest. Maybe the following will help.... [Then again, I've just re-read it and chances are it won't - Sorry it's so long everyone!]

Many years back I got together with a girl I worked with. It was a nice enough thing - Sort of casual which suited me fine. She had other ideas and was very into me. I went along with it anyway as I didn't have anything better to do with my time and wasn't grown up enough to realise how selfish this was. I was having a bit of fun and wasn't really thinking about her feelings. The crowd from work organised a weekend away together and we booked in too - Sounded like a bit of craic. The trip was two weeks away at this stage.

That weekend, I meet another girl. I'm well into her - She's a real little hottie, flirtatious and there's real chemistry between us. I don't do anything much about it but keep my options open, get her number etc.

Next weekend, I'm away with the work crowd and end up in bed with the girl from work. Now, here's the deal - It just doesn't do it for me. The little soldiers putting up a real fight but the morale's low, the heart's not in it to go for le petit mort. So I end up coming across like I'm some stallion in the sack, at it for a ridiculous period of time, even though I'm completely disinterested and can't actually get it over and done with, the lad's still holding the front line, not realising I've surrendered. I end up, believe it or not, faking it. Yes, I kid you not girls - Men do this too. When you're at it long enough you can get away with it....

Next day, she's all rose petals and smiles. I'm bored. No, I tell a lie. I'm thinking of the girl I'd met the previous weekend. I'd actually called her the day before, while away with the crowd from work. You see, a nice enough distraction had become tiresome very quickly, particularly as there was someone much more interesting on the sidelines.

Sounds very like what my second ex would say about me. He used to tell people he felt bad for upsetting me so much because I liked him more than he liked me, but then he went and turned a load of my friends against me because the new girlfriend had a problem with me, he just never, ever stops to think about how I might feel, I don't think he ever has either.

CathyMoran

When a relatonship turns sour it is difficult, a particular bf was absolutely horrible to me, his new gf turned him against me. I picked myself off the floor, did myself up, faked a smile, then the smile became real and I met a wonderful guy...it killed him more that I was happy. I know how difficult it is but you owe it to yourself to move on.

tbh

meowCat wrote:

There seems to be something funny about guys, that they can be the loveliest and most adorable partners if they want to. The same guys can be just right pricks with another girl.

very true, if by 'guys' you mean 'people' and by 'another girl' you mean, 'another person'.

@gil: very honest post there Gil, couldn't have been easy either. fair play. @op: look at gil's post. your ex's just were not right for you, it happens. sorry they were not mature enough to handle it well, but don't tar all men with the same brush. You've gotta kiss a lot of frogs, etc etc.

blueshirt

gettinmedown wrote:

Hi everyone,
Basically, my problem is that both of my exes are in happy, longterm, loving relationships, and I am still single. Both of them were horrible to me- the first completely broke my heart and now ignores me, the second was really selfish and was also cheating on me with his now-girlfriend. It just gets me down that these horrible people have happy relationships and I'm on my own. Has anyone any advice.

They may seem to have happy loving relationships; you don’t know that for sure. The only person you are sure about is yourself. Don’t forget everyone thinks that everyone else is better off then them. That’s just not true. There are lots of people who envy you. So just put it all behind you and move on, forget about their “relationships” and just concentrate on your own life. Remember what Oscar Wilde once said; “the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about”

BeardyGit

gettinmedown wrote:

Sounds very like what my second ex would say about me. He used to tell people he felt bad for upsetting me so much because I liked him more than he liked me, but then he went and turned a load of my friends against me because the new girlfriend had a problem with me, he just never, ever stops to think about how I might feel, I don't think he ever has either.

There's a difference in a sense - I didn't tell anyone about this until very recently, and then only you folks - Strangers each one of you. I was quite ashamed in some way, even then, at the way I was handling it. I just didn't have to emotional maturity or personal experience to address what I saw as a 'problem' situation any better. But even then I certainly wouldn't have gone speaking to anyone to try excusing my behaviour - That's just rubbing salt in an open wound....

metrovelvet wrote:

Gil Dub - really, why did you spend the energy on such an elaborate lie? I cant see what lesson you learned there either? I ask this without judgement, I just dont get it.

Sorry Daisy, I don't get the question. My post is truthful, absolutely. The 'lie' in telling her I was off to the ATM wasn't demanding in terms of effort, only in facing a guilty conscience for quite some time afterwards. I was tired with the job and the people I worked with anyway and at the time couldn't care less about the implications in just walking away from everyone - It was an easy escape from a 'complicated' situation.

The most valuable lessons are usually learned the hard way, always at a cost to someone. Sadly, it's not always the person learning the lesson who pays the most. In this case I know for a fact that a nice girl was hurt badly by my actions. When you grow as a person, in my case quite rapidly, you realise just how wrong you've been when dealing with people and situations. It took time for me to learn that you can't just treat people like that and expect it all to be okay. That, dearest Daisy, is a lesson learned. It's not a nice way for anyone to benefit but that's what I've done. I've become a better person as a result of my attrocious actions when dealing with a girl who deserved better. At what has mostly been her expense I'm in a position to know better than most how not to behave when dealing with someone elses heart-felt emotions. Sure, conscience comes into play and at times I too pay a price in a sense. But on the back of that nice girls suffering I've grown. Ultimately the experience I've gained contributes in untold ways to a positive and healthy relationship with someone I really care about in the present.

As far as the whole thing of sleeping with someone and losing interest - I don't know if it's relevant to the OP's plight. But I'd happily re-hash something you and I both know has been covered at length in many threads in PI over the past year. You give it up too easily, he might just take it and walk away. That's the way it works and even now with the benefit of well over a decade as a sexually active adult, my rules of engagement here would probably remain largely the same as when I was an immature 19 year old. Open a new thread if you want to take this any further as I don't think taking issue with this statement will help anyone in the context of this thread.

I'm not being smart and hope that answers your questions for the most part. As far as a contribution to the OP's train of thought, let me say this: Not all men are out to break your heart. Not all men are cruel, heartless, cold blooded predators, not for long anyway. But realise that until each of us has gained some experience in relationships, no matter how warped they are proven to be, you just have to take a chance on it while watching out for number one. We're not rotten apples, those of us who have in the past dealt with a situation badly. Most of us will develop a healthy respect and understanding of the mutual needs of any partner in a secure and loving relationship. But until we reach that point, we just might break your heart.

I'm no stranger to the flipside of the whole "he/she broke my heart" thread. I'm just telling the side of the story you probably need to hear, and won't from most, in order to give some sort of balance to your thinking on this subject at this obviously difficult and trying time.


Goodnight all....

Gil

sceptre

meowCat wrote:

There seems to be something funny about guys, that they can be the loveliest and most adorable partners if they want to. The same guys can be just right pricks with another girl.

That's not "guys", that's "people". Perhaps particular people who happen to be users or assholes but being an asshole isn't decided by whether someone has a Y chromosone or not.

edit: I see tbh has already pointed that out.

metrovelvet

I guess Gil Dub your story reminds me of that saying:

"A woman can fake an orgasm but only a man can fake an entire relationship."

I just cant figure out what you got out of expending that kind of energy. Wouldnt it have been easier just to be honest.

BeardyGit

metrovelvet wrote:

I guess Gil Dub your story reminds me of that saying:

"A woman can fake an orgasm but only a man can fake an entire relationship."

I just cant figure out what you got out of expending that kind of energy. Wouldnt it have been easier just to be honest.

Easier? No. The right thing to do? Yes.

We don't always make the right decisions at the time. People get hurt. Life goes on. You might not understand it but that's the way it works with some people and it sounds like the OP has maybe taken the hit up to this point. I'm hoping my frank disclosure will provide an insight to the OP so she'll maybe realise that it's not as cut and dried, "men are bastards", as she might be inclined to think. And even more importantly, the same story should illustrate that sometimes you just can't carry out a post-mortem on a failed relationship and arrive at a point where you can understand why it failed. Sometimes "It's not you, it's me" is true. I didn't even pay the courtesy of saying that but if I'd been forced to give a reason verbally, that's as much as I'd have given.

I'm out of this one now anyway. Hoping the OP comes back at some point with a comment or two....

Gil

Kell

gettinmedown wrote:

Hi everyone,
Basically, my problem is that both of my exes are in happy, longterm, loving relationships, and I am still single.

So you havnt really let go of your previous situations because you envy your ex's happiness. You must hate them quite a bit.

gettinmedown wrote:

It just gets me down that these horrible people have happy relationships and I'm on my own. Has anyone any advice.

Get over yourself. Stop looking at other people to gauge your own happiness and look after yourself. Why on earth would you torture yourself looking at someone else being happy to decide you are not. If these guys treated you badly remember that YOU let them do it to you.

Go forward making sure that you dont let it happen to you again. Also, forget these arséholes. They arent worth the effort.

K-

panda100

Tri wrote:

think of it as a lucky escape. Think how you would be if you were with either of your ex's who treated you so badly. Miserable and low in yourself most probably.

Couldnt agree more with this!!Leapords dont change their spots or if they do they change very slowly.It might look from the ouside like their in 'loving' relationships but the b*stard inside these guys doesnt just dissapear over night.
Why would you want to go through life being treated like s*it by these guys...you really did make a lucky escape and deserve so much better.

LegacyUser

I know they're pricks and I'm glad I'm not with them. What gets to me is how come assholes like them can have long relationships with people they really like and then there is me, who is always nice and thoughtful etc to boyfriends, left on my own.