transgendered stepdaughter/drugs

LegacyUser

I have a stepdaughter/son who does not live with us - the child of my husband. He suffers from gender dysphoria - long story but the end result is that he has transitioned from being a girl to being a boy. He is now 19 and not living with us, but with his mother abroad.

My husband has really been lacking as far as parenting is concerned - little contact, mostly due to the efforts of the mother (rather unpleasant) but I also feel he could have made a lot more effort in the past. The gender dysphoria has been hard for him to accept, but he now seems to shrug it off and says what will be will be, even though her still refers to him as his *daughter*There is not a lot of contact - the odd phone call every now and then though I have kept a bit more in touch through emails and such - he seems to open up to me a bit more than to his father.Anyway.....

We had a phone call from his mother a few weeks ago to tell me that he has been taking crack cocaine for the last year, was nearly sectioned by the authorities for being a danger to himself, has tried to commit suicide on two occasions, is friendless and spends all day in his room, has lost two jobs because of mood swings(due to the drugs) has been arrested for stealing money from her boyfriend - the list goes on.

Well the general gist of it is this - mother has suggested that he come and stay with us - she says she cannot cope, will throw him out etc. This is a major dilemma. I know my husband has no CLUE as to the issues his son has/is facing.I'm talking hormones, lifestyle, transitioning etc. I hve done a lot of research, was included in a few doctor/counselling visits in the past, talk about it with him (s/son)so am a bit more savvy.

I can't do it - I cannot take on suddenly this responsibility, which although my husband says he is the *parent* I know damn well I will be the one that has to cope.Need advice!

Boston

This person is in such a state that his own mother is kickign him out, what can you do for him? Do you have other kids? Do you really want a junky around them?

There no pint in giving someone help if they don't want it. It seems to me the mother is tryign to give up her responsibilities. If he had asked to move in with you, it would mean allot more, then her asking you to take a probelm off her hands. You own this person nothing, by all account he's a stranger. You sound like oyu nearing a time in your life where you really don't need this ****e and should be takign care of yourselve.

Your not going to do him any favours by taking him on, knowing you won't be able to cope.

Asiaprod

unregtoday wrote:

I can't do it - I cannot take on suddenly this responsibility, which although my husband says he is the *parent* I know damn well I will be the one that has to cope.Need advice!

I think that the situation can be turned around. I have been there and it requires ruthlessness on the part of all involved to make it succeed.
If you do decide to try to help in order to limit placing all this burden and stress on you, my approach would be as follows. I am sure others can add ideas to it to help refine it to what would be suitable for you. The one caveat I would add is that if you have impressionable kids of your own, bringing this person into your home for any extended period of time will really be like playing with a loaded gun.

The initial issue here for you will be the drugs. Crack cocaine is a very nasty addiction, Upon taking him in, within a matter of days all the problems that his mother told you about, the stealing, mood swings, isolation and health issues will become yours. And there will be even more issues as he makes new contacts, or brings like friends back to his place the chances of bad thing happening will increase dramatically. Birds of a feather and all that stuff.

What is driving usage of drugs is of course a major issue, and one that would require professional help in solving, but the primary issue for now if you were to think of taking him in would be to beat the crack cocaine problem. If you have never had to live and deal with an addict before, I can attest that it is not a pleasant task. If it were I in this situation, the very first thing I would insist on would be for him to become a resident in a drug rehabilitation program where he had to live in. If the mother says he has been on the drugs for 12 months, there are some serious withdrawal problems that will have to be dealt with. You will not be able to deal with them with out destroying part of your own life in the process. Cocaine is not so much a physical problem as it is a mental problem. You need to be trained to deal with the mental side of the issue. Any hope of the family being happily reunited will depend on this drug rehabilitation program. Everything must center on getting him into one. The father can also use this opportunity to learn to understand his new son and support him. As he progresses through the program you will get a better feeling of how he might fit into your home life. On completion of the program, if you were satisfied with his progress and attitude, you could decide to let him live with you. or you both could help him to find his own place and a job and live on his own, but he would need to be really free of drugs otherwise in a very short time he will be back to square one.

If you do decide to take him in, you are doing it out of the goodness of your own heart. You do not own the son anything, and are not in any way legally responsible for him (your husband unfortunately is though). You would be advised to set up the live-in program in advance before he moved into your house. I would be looking at him staying with you for no more than one week prior to moving into the program. Any longer and I think you will loose a valuable opportunity to capitalize on the situation which should be working in your favor as he will be in a new environment and will not have had time to develop a new routine. It sounds terrible taking advantage of his vulnerability at this moment, but the moment he gets on his feet he will have no problem taking advantage of you. You have to be cruel to be kind when dealing with drug addiction.

You also need to have the mother involved in helping to get him accepted into a program. For him to recover he needs to feel that this is help form both parents and not an ultimatum or punishment. He also needs to understand some points very clearly 1. that this offer of help is a one time shot only, 2. this is his last chance to have his family help him to overcome his problems, and 3. if does not do this he is out on his own. At 19 he is considered to be an adult, and will have to deal with what ever trouble he gets into on his own. Once he has been weaned of the drug many of his current symptoms will disappear and counseling can be used to help him with the gender issue.

I wish you luck in this task and hope all works out for the best.

Beruthiel

I agree with everything Asiaprod said.
he must be willing to turn himself into a place that will help get him off the crack. If he is not willing to do that, then you have no chance whatsoever of doing anything for him, you cannot help someone who is not prepared to help themselves.

Blub2k4

Rule #1 in combatting chronic addiction is to change your playground and change your playmates, the problem is that in this case that the affected party is not actually party to the decision and until they want to come off drugs all their doing is moving someone with a chronic addiction on to your plate.
If the person themselves expresses an interest in living with you then possibly it would work, if they are merely being ferried from point A to Point B unwillingly then you are in for major problems.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies - I know this sounds awful but quite honestly I don't want the aggravation.I do care about his welfare - to a point, but I have other children. I don't see one good reason for me to take on this hassle. Husband is now coming over all *guilty* and is aware of what a crap father he has been as regards this particular child. Well that cannot be MY problem now.

Asiaprod- I have taken on all your comments and they really sound as if they come from the heart, but you have to bear in mind that I am not the mother here, I am just married to the father and as you say
* if you have impressionable kids of your own, bringing this person into your home for any extended period of time will really be like playing with a loaded gun.If you do decide to take him in, you are doing it out of the goodness of your own heart.* I do have other children and I really really don't want this in their lives or mine even. Except this is going to cause issues with my husband - feelings of resposibility. 18 years too late and I will have to take the c**p

What I really want to hear I suppose is that I am not being a bad person to not take on this aggro, which it will be.

LegacyUser

If you do end up involved, mark out the limits clearly. Make them plain both to your husband and his son. I brought my brother into our home in a somewhat similar situation (drugs not gender issues - other root causes). He stayed for about ten months and then I threw him out - however this was on the basis of limits he had passed, agreed with my wife, and was not acrimonious. I have a young daughter and he brought people back.

He spent a short period in detention and is now (4 years later) pretty together. We also have a strong relationship and he knows I'm there although he doesn't call on it too much.

Don't feel forced into anything but even a limited offer of help can make someone feel part of a family and community which can be a source of strength when they deal with their ****. But be honest all round - especially in your own relationship.

Asiaprod

Unregtoday wrote:

What I really want to hear I suppose is that I am not being a bad person to not take on this aggro, which it will be.

The reason I replied to your post in the first place was because I was so amazed that you were even considering taking this responsibility on. I think very few would. Based on this, I wanted to give you a real clear picture of what would be entailed if you followed this path.

I have no problem with what you decide to do. I do not think of you being a bad person to not take on this aggro. I made it very clear that the issue was a loaded gun and that it would be done out of the goodness of your heart. That does not imply the reverse to be true; if you did not take it on you were a bad person.

There is absolutely no question of any badness on your part. In fact, you are to be highly commended for even considering it as a possibility. Unfortunately there is responsibility here on the part of your husband, but that does not mean that you have to automatically take on the role of surrogate mother. You responsibility is to your own kids not his and someone else's offspring. Support your husband in any way that you see fit, but make it very clear to him that this is his problem and not yours. In reality, all that we have talked about here really should be said to the kids mother. If your husband is so full of guilt, and I feel it is probably deserved, them let him go over there and talk to the mother and son and see what they can do. It cannot be done over the telephone as the kid in question will feel like a product being discussed. It will require face-to-face confrontation.

The more I think about it, the more I favor this approach. You support your husband by urging him to go talk directly with the concerned parties. Let him know that whatever idea there maybe of this son at a later date spending any time living with your family, there is no way it is even going to be discussed until the kid is by his own choice (and that is a very important point) absolutely drug free with no intentions of going back down that road again. Let him know that you are not prepared to put your own family in jeopardy for a situation which irresponsibly was let get so out of hand. If he is coming over all *guilty* and is aware of what a crap father he has been as regards this particular child, then let him go over and face the problem, himself and not expect his current family to pick up the pieces that he conveniently let drop. As you have said, that cannot be MY problem now, and I agree, but if something is not done it could become a very big problem for all later. Urge him to go sort it out, and rest assured that you have done all you can for the moment in doing the right thing. Look after your kids and make sure they don't go down a similar path in the future.

I do hope this helps to make you feel better about the situation, I assure you there is no reason for anyone to think badly of you for wanting to protect you own.The best approach I believe would be to push the concerned parties to sort out their own problems lest they do become YOUR problems at a later date.

Boston

Unregtoday wrote:

I do have other children and I really really don't want this in their lives or mine even. Except this is going to cause issues with my husband - feelings of resposibility. 18 years too late and I will have to take the c**p

No offense but a mothers dutty above all is to here own children first, not to her husbands bloated sense of failure. How is messing up his other kids going to undo the damage he's caused to his daughter? I can't believe you're even remotely thinking baout having a junkie around your kids, I can't believe that your husband thinks its a good idea either(he's really sounding like a selfish twat). Perents go to great lenghts to keep drugs away from their kids, and you'r going to bring it into your home? YOu think a junkie is going to follow your rules?

Even if he/she does shoot up in your home, what is it going to do to your family life, it's not going to be good, and you'll be spending a lot of time takign care of, watching this stranger.

You want someone to tell you your not a bad person, I'll go futher and say fuk your husband's daughter, its sad but she made her choices and your not to blame.

doctor evil

Thats quite harsh LiouVille and correction its son, is it the transgender issue that got your back up?.

Boston

doctor evil wrote:

Thats quite harsh LiouVille and correction its son, is it the transgender issue that got your back up?.

If I was talking to a transgender person I'd call them by whatever gender they would like. Obviously it's the drug issue thats "got my back up", and not wanting to see the choices of others forced upon innocent kids. A junkie is a junkie. tbh I've no idea why the orginal poster didn't just turn around and say "I've other kids, I might pitty this person, but I love them, No."

Asiaprod

LiouVille wrote:

A junkie is a junkie. tbh I've no idea why the original poster didn't just turn around and say "I've other kids, I might pity this person, but I love them, No."

Possibly because she is a caring person, she was trying to do the best she could to help out both her husband and the son, and in the end realized that she was getting caught between a rock and a hard place. She sought opinion from others before she made her choice. Very commendable in my book. I understand what you are saying and agree, but the delivery could use a little work.

Also, a junkie can be cured.....I was.

koneko

Absolutely, a junkie can be cured, but I think he should go somewhere to do this (like a rehabilition clinic, like you mentioned Asiaprod), rather than do it in her house around her kid. Children are impressionable, and I don't think introducing him into their home is a good idea if he's still addicted and this upset (possibly could attempt suicide again or take drugs in the house or bring the wrong kind of people back to the house).

OP, you really shouldn't feel guilty or bad. You have your own child to think of, and as others said, this is a huge responsibility that very few people would actually take on. It's very admirable you're even considering this.

Blub2k4

Asiaprod wrote:

Also, a junkie can be cured.....I was.

Ditto to that, it's an illness not a natural state to want to be in.

Blub2k4

LiouVille wrote:

Even if he/she does shoot up in your home, what is it going to do to your family life, it's not going to be good, and you'll be spending a lot of time takign care of, watching this stranger.

I hate to nitpick but seeing as you have ranted I wanted to clarify that crackheads dont shoot up crack they generally smoked it, is the rest of your post as ignorant and ill-informed?
And saying f()ck you to a junkie is gonna be very positive, it will do a lot for their confidence, well thought out there.

The Clown Man

Yes but this Junky is not her problem.

Personally I'd say lay down the law and fully commit to not letting this clear maniac anywhere near your kids and family. Some people you cannot help and he/she/it sounds like one of them. And anyway, you don't seem to be in any position to help with the welfare of your kids rightly being your prime concern.

Unless you feel that he/she/it is a good person at heart and you want to try and help. Which you sound like you dont.

Blub2k4

The Clown Man wrote:

Yes but this Junky is not her problem.

This Junkie is her husbands son, would that it was all so black and white as some of you people here think it is.

I was a junkie a few years back, it didn't stop me getting straight and I never became a burden on society, I worked and earned my money legally to sustain my heroin habit, so stop talking ****e you know very little about this particular situation.

p.s. you could also show some compassion or at least recognise their legal position as a male and stop with the "it" digs.

Boston

Asiaprod wrote:

Possibly because she is a caring person, she was trying to do the best she could to help out both her husband and the son, and in the end realized that she was getting caught between a rock and a hard place. She sought opinion from others before she made her choice. Very commendable in my book. I understand what you are saying and agree, but the delivery could use a little work.

Also, a junkie can be cured.....I was.

A addict is always a addict, they can stop shooting up and get their life together and stay on the straight but it's always there. Same with alcoholics, same with any addict.

Blub2k4 wrote:

I hate to nitpick but seeing as you have ranted I wanted to clarify that crackheads dont shoot up crack they generally smoked it, is the rest of your post as ignorant and ill-informed?
And saying f()ck you to a junkie is gonna be very positive, it will do a lot for their confidence, well thought out there.

I said junkie and I said shoot up, I never mentioned Crack, I never said you inject crack. I'll cop to fact I'm persuming that this addict/junkie/whatever is mainlining. You missed my point completely, the junkie made his/her choices, children didn't, so fuk him/her. You asked if my post was ignorant and ill-informed. I'll ask you, when you where using, do you think it would have been a good idea for you to be around kids? Would you put getting you're life together ahead of a childs safety? Are you that selfish?

PS Transgendered people arn't legally recognised as anything but their orginal gender. Are all you opinion this ignorant and ill informed.

Asiaprod

Blub2k4 wrote:

I was a junkie a few years back, it didn't stop me getting straight and I never became a burden on society, I worked and earned my money legally to sustain my heroin habit, so stop talking ****e you know very little about this particular situation..

You and I both brother (or sister). And why was I a junkie, I felt unloved, rejected, and how about this....came from a home where my old man f**ked of with some one else and showed no interest or love for what he created, but raised two more who got the finest education while I got a Christian Brothers Boarding School and all the crap that went with it. Does this sound a little like the current post?
And Like Blub, thanks a million for the support, I pulled myself out of it, paid my debt to society and went on to get happily married and am currently raising my own kid. I never hurt anyone, other than my family emotionally. I paid my own way, and I paid the price without complaining or blaming others. Addiction is just the result, of the original problem.

Now lets drop the subject of junkies, or move the issue of ex-junkies to another thread. We are not here to tell the OP what to do. We are here to say do what you feel is best for you, your husband and you own family. Neither are we here to condemn the decision when its made. Its not our business, and we don't have all the fact. We are trying to support, right?
Then lets get on with supporting.

Beruthiel

asiaprod wrote:

Now lets drop the subject of junkies

yes
lets get back to the topic of advising the OP people.
If ye wish to discuss the finer points of being a junkie, take it to Humanities

Boston

I guess I've just meet allot of fuked up people, more then one with a similiar back story to you Asiaprod, and I've found,more often then not, they **** on those around them rather then help themselves, to such a degree I don't think it's a good idea to be around those people if you're a child.

Asiaprod

LiouVille wrote:

I guess I've just meet allot of fuked up people, more then one with a similiar back story to you Asiaprod, and I've found,more often then not, they **** on those around them rather then help themselves, to such a degree I don't think it's a good idea to be around those people if you're a child.

Hey LiouVille, no problem, know where you are coming from and could not agree more.
Just remember that every one makes mistakes and there are some genuine people out there that have screwed up, but they have taken responsibility and have put things right.
You just met two of them:)
Kids and Junkies are a bad bad mix. Protect the innocent, but act with compassion.

Blub2k4

Asiaprod wrote:

Protect the innocent, but act with compassion.

nicely put.

Certain words and subjects awaken the irrational in people, people sometimes need to be set straight.

Victor

I think what the mother needs is a respite from the antics that come with junkie territory. I suspect the best place for respite care for the child (teenager? adult?) is in rehab.