not speaking to parents

tallaghtdave

after many years ,im back speaking to my mother
im sure she ,as much as i regreat it.
almost 6 years long story. but we resolved now
over a silly thing you may say.
has anyone been in the same boat?

sachamama

yes. i stopped talking to my mother last september. not over anything silly at all.

Bosco84

sachamama wrote:

yes. i stopped talking to my mother last september. not over anything silly at all.

Why? life is too short, chief

Nevyn

It happens, usually due to lack of respect on one side or the other.
Sometimes you have to but in some distance, but I don't think that never speaking to your parent/s is a way to live your life.
Even if it is a short call once a month to let them know that you are alive.

sachamama

my mother is damaged. she cant see past herself and i did live with it for years, put myself between her and whoever for years and became damaged myself because of it. I got better, got married and got my life. but now i have children. and i saw her doing it with them, the lack of respect, the lack of personal boundaries. going against my wishes, going behind my back with her agenda. thats when i said no more.

so i did it to protect them. i cut off a piece of myself and thankfully my children are too young to miss her. i miss her, but its the mother i never had that i miss. the woman that gave birth to me needs to do work to get better. she wont do it and i cannot do it for her.
its been the hardest thing ive ever had to do.

Nevyn

You have to do what is best for your children.
But that doesn't mean you can't send her the occasional card with pics of the grandchildren in it for her so she know how they are.
Unless this results in untold grief and hassle from her, in that case and if she
can not respect you as another adult and as a parent then as harsh as it sounds
you have to limit the impact she has on your life.

Heinrich

This must be the new maturity! So you fall out with your mother, showing how you arer eally much better that her. Frankly, she is better off with you out of her hair.

Feel sorry for yourself when the same sort arrives for you in later years.

fuzzywiggle

Well done for patching things up Dave.

TheNog

Heinrich wrote:

This must be the new maturity! So you fall out with your mother, showing how you arer eally much better that her. Frankly, she is better off with you out of her hair.

Feel sorry for yourself when the same sort arrives for you in later years.

I don't think u read sachamama's posts thoroughly. Either that or you are an eejit.

I say fair play to you sachamama!!! Most parents try their best not to make the same mistakes their parents did.

arbeitsscheuer

Yeah been through something similar.
Tried my best to avoid my parents, they just irritated the hell outta me, especially living at home - familiarity breeds contempt is not just an idle turn of phrase.

But like with yourself, getting some distance helps; I lived alone in a flat for a few years when I came to college. Moved back home about 3 months ago, and it's much more amiable. None of the animosity and tension, not to mention massive fights, that there used to be.

They still get on my tits sometimes tho.:D

Huggles

Probably going to get hammered here but I think that regardless of your issues with the folks they are still your parents and you should respect them. I am very lucky as I have a great relationship with both my parents but it wasn't always peachy, these things have to be worked at.

Honestly, I understand protecting your kids when there is a real illness involved but life is far too short for egos and stubborness to get in the way. I'd feel terrible if they weren't in my life and something happened to either one of them

tallaghtdave

thanks very much lads for giving me some of your stories.
as now i know i was not alone . them years id love to turn them back. but were gona be as close as ever in the future.
how silly i was.
cheers
you only get 1 time here on earth and one set of parents so im told by the brother. he was right .somtimes you gota swallow your pride .

Hagar

This is an incredibly sad thread.
As an ex-child I can empathise with the children and as a parent I know how that side feels.
Two kind words tomorrow do not equal one kind word today.
There may be no tomorrow for some people.
Find a way to get on. Impose conditions, boundaries or whatever but do it now while you still can.

Bluebells

Its all relative. What about a parent who has beaten you for years, mentally or in any other way abused you? Why allow this person to destroy your adult life aswell. Fair enough if they just annoy you a bit, that ofcourse would be silly. Just because someone is related to you it does not give any excuse for them to act in this way and get away with it.

LegacyUser

Bluebells wrote:

Its all relative. What about a parent who has beaten you for years, mentally or in any other way abused you? Why allow this person to destroy your adult life aswell. Fair enough if they just annoy you a bit, that ofcourse would be silly. Just because someone is related to you it does not give any excuse for them to act in this way and get away with it.

My mother physically and mentally abused me from the age of 3 (as far as I can remember), I did go to therapy about it but for me forgiving her and getting on with her was the only way that I got through things, I just can not live with her but otherwise.

Bluebells

Its different for everyone. Whatever works best for the individual.

bug

Bluebells wrote:

Its all relative. What about a parent who has beaten you for years, mentally or in any other way abused you? Why allow this person to destroy your adult life aswell. Fair enough if they just annoy you a bit, that ofcourse would be silly. Just because someone is related to you it does not give any excuse for them to act in this way and get away with it.

yeah, I'd agree, its up to the individual to judge the relationship really adn the different aspects of it.

Parents are people, and in that respect there are just some people that arent good for you.
By the same course, children are people too, and some are just too touchy, never grow up, and blame everything on their parents.
It is all relative.

Victor

Its not so much that I'm not speaking to my parents, more I don't speak to them and even a little of I don't know how to speak to them.

Exon

I'm the exact same as Victor. I'd love to kick my parents heads in.

Victor

Not the type of disfunction I was hinting at.

sachamama

to all who posted in reply or in defence of me - thanks for your understanding. i forgave my mother a long time ago, but she is stuck in a bad place and refuses to see beyond it.
it was heartbreaking for me to realise that she wont ever change, and to move away from having her in my life. now, for the first time, i am learning freedom and happiness.
i havnt said permanent NO to her. i'm hoping she will be motivated to heal by our absence from her life. if so, if she wants us back, then she is better off without me "in her hair" constantly reminding her that she has work to be done. and if she doesnt do the work, i am better off without her.
all i know is that my life has never been as clear and free of stress as its been since i mourned this loss of mother and moved on. and that my relationship with my own daughter has improved immensly now that my own mothers influence was removed. and for me, thats more important.
thats why life is too short. too short to f*ck up another mother daughter relationship. the new generations break the chains of hurt and move to a better place. in doing this, i feel ive done my bit for evolution.

Bluebells

Well done, that was very brave, great to hear.

LegacyUser

Right well my story is so so long but my relationship with my mother was so destructive that I actually had to leave the country to get away from her.

I had to leave the life I had, the lives my children had, everything I and my family including my husband held dear and just go- it really truly was the only option left to us. It does sound ridiculous, but her interference in my/our lives became so insiduous and wicked that truly it was the only option left.

I nor my children have had any contact with my mother or my sister for 5 years.She has no idea where I am, we just disappeared and that is the way I want it. I am resentful. I will never ever forgive her.

LegacyUser

wow, parents who'd have em eh?
I went through some tough times with my mum the past five years or so. the option wasnt there to move out, much and all as i would have liked to. although there were times my mum jsut stopped speaking to me so its like i wasnt there anyway.
Kinda like sachamama my mum cant see past her problems and wont help herself. I've tried to help her but theres not much I cant do because she doesnt listen to me. But she is in councelling now which is a huge step for her so hopefully things will get better because even after everything i still coudnt be without my mum. crazy as it sounds she can at times still be my best friend in the whole world.

tallaghtdave - glad your back on good terms with your folks and hope everything goes well

jonny68

tallaghtdave wrote:

after many years ,im back speaking to my mother
im sure she ,as much as i regreat it.
almost 6 years long story. but we resolved now
over a silly thing you may say.
has anyone been in the same boat?

I didn't speak to my ma for about 8 months over something very very silly,and i was too proud to say anything but on xmas day 2 years ago she said we should stop this nonsense and i agreed so i was very much relieved to be honest and i should hope we will never fall out again after all it is your mother who reared you.;)

Beruthiel

many years back, my mother did not talk to me for 4 years.

long story short, she read some private letters to my sister which she found by going through my sisters bedroom one day. She did not like what she read and sent me a letter telling me never to darken her door again.
So I didn't.
Four years later my Da had an accident while in a cycle race, it was touch and go for a few days. That accident was a reality check for all of us, especially for my mother, the woman changed (for the better), and is now so far from what she used to be that it's quite shocking.
Our family has become much closer than it was because of it.

The thing is, we can tell ourselves that if this horrible parent died tomorrow we would not care. I'm afraid that's total bullsh!t, we will care, and a lot more than we can ever imagine, but at that stage it will be too late and the regret of not having a relationship with them will hurt for a long time.


jonny68
animated sigs are against boards rules.

sachamama

Unregnotreally - I'm so sorry that things went so badly in your case. I hope that you can let go of the burdens of guilt and anger and move on with your life.

Beruthiel - you were lucky that your mother changed. im glad things have worked out for you.

As far as death is concerned, I have made peace with myself and dont need to make peace with my mother. If she died today I would have nothing to feel bad about. I did as much as I could do and am confident in that. If the reason why a person falls out with a parent is a misunderstanding or lack of communication, then yes, life is too short and people should compromise and get over it and get on with it! however, if there is something deeper, evil, malicious and manipulative about a relationship with a parent, life is too short to have to live with it. its her loss, my mothers loss. not mine.