Can't ejaculate

LegacyUser

a rather embarrassing little problem

i'm 22 and have had a fair few sexual experiences. i've been going out with this great girl for about a month now (liked her for ages and came together in march) and we've found ourselves in bed together about 3 or 4 times. the problem is i feel nothing, absoultely nothing. she gives me handjobs, blowjobs, and we'd have sex and i just don't cum.

this is obviously pretty frustrating, and unfortunately it's not the 1st time it's happened. in fact, the only times i've ever ejaculated is when i've had a ****.

the other reason that it's frustrating is because of the effect it's having on my girlfriend, like last night i could tell she was quite upset about it, even though she tried to hide it. i can totally understand that she might feel this might be to do with her, but it's not at all, and ive told her this loads of times. the previous few times we were in bed she was incredibly understanding about the whole thing, which is great for me because not ejaculating after an hour is pretty humiliating to be honest.

i've searched the forum for other posts on this topic and i'm so relieved to see that i'm not alone like this. i've tried a few things that were suggested in the other threads, like thin condoms and relaxing but not getting anywhere.

the reason i'm a bit anxious is because someone on another thread asked the OP is he had desensitised himself through too muck ****. i'm afraid this might have happened to me.

just wondering if anyone has any advice for me? does anyone know the long term implications of this? and is there anything more i can do to reassure my girlfriend that's it's not her?

thanks in advance

the Guru

are you gay !! and I dont mean this in a bad way , you mightn't like girls but you just dont know it yet and this your body telling you.

LegacyUser

I would have to agree with the poster above. I was in the same situation, I came out of the closet last year, literally.

LegacyUser

the Guru wrote:

are you gay !! .. you just dont know it yet and this your body telling you.

Rubbish.


OP, I've heard excessive **** can de-sensitize the sensation of sex.
I think you being worried over this is causing most of the damage here.
You have got to try to relax. I hope you dont think I am being invasive, but do you actually **** alot?

azezil

Unreg789 wrote:

Rubbish.


OP, I've heard excessive **** can de-sensitize the sensation of sex.
I think you being worried over this is causing most of the damage here.
You have got to try to relax. I hope you dont think I am being invasive, but do you actually **** alot?

Eh I don't agree with that notion at all, a recent initiator to the **** arena (heh), I can say from experience before I ever started **** I had little or no sex drive what so ever, since I have, and do A LOT! its shot up!

Could be a stress thing, just need to relax, experiment, try new things.

philologos

have you ever tried to take viagra? it could be an erectional disorder that you have

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

fletch

Its obviously become such an issue now you can't stop thinking about it even before you start to have sex...and under those circumstances it's never going to happen....my advice....go see some specialist
Oh and I dont have any problems before anyone insinuates

Skud

could be a few things but sometimes ppl have to be more turned on than others. Maybe you need to warm up a bit more. It's rare guys have to do it more than girls but it does happen. Try something you like, bath or whatever to relax you and then try your fav position etc. Or somethings kinky. Could always get your gf to experiment and rate the things u like and don't when she checks every part of your body.

I don't think it's the gay thing tbh I think he would have realised it. If something doesnt feel right then you need to question it. But the fact you posted here means you feel something is going wrong. Just got to find what it is...

SoupyNorman

cantcum wrote:

a rather embarrassing little problem

i'm 22 and have had a fair few sexual experiences. i've been going out with this great girl for about a month now (liked her for ages and came together in march) and we've found ourselves in bed together about 3 or 4 times. the problem is i feel nothing, absoultely nothing. she gives me handjobs, blowjobs, and we'd have sex and i just don't cum.

this is obviously pretty frustrating, and unfortunately it's not the 1st time it's happened. in fact, the only times i've ever ejaculated is when i've had a ****.

the other reason that it's frustrating is because of the effect it's having on my girlfriend, like last night i could tell she was quite upset about it, even though she tried to hide it. i can totally understand that she might feel this might be to do with her, but it's not at all, and ive told her this loads of times. the previous few times we were in bed she was incredibly understanding about the whole thing, which is great for me because not ejaculating after an hour is pretty humiliating to be honest.

i've searched the forum for other posts on this topic and i'm so relieved to see that i'm not alone like this. i've tried a few things that were suggested in the other threads, like thin condoms and relaxing but not getting anywhere.

the reason i'm a bit anxious is because someone on another thread asked the OP is he had desensitised himself through too muck ****. i'm afraid this might have happened to me.

just wondering if anyone has any advice for me? does anyone know the long term implications of this? and is there anything more i can do to reassure my girlfriend that's it's not her?

thanks in advance

They say the brain is complex but I dont think its nearly half as complex as the purple brain! Your problem is a potential relationship destroyer so its not to be commented on lightly.

The theory you may be gay is probably the least likely answer, I went through a stint where i couldnt piss in public a couple of years ago it was unbelievable.....I would be standing at a urinal counting the friggin tiles, whatever it was went away as I kept confronting it until it went away (i.e I kept using urinals instead of cubicals on purpose). Now its kinda off the point but i'd say its in your head mostly and if you let it consume you it could never go away. Do you happen to know your girlfriends previous lover as sometimes ppl are afraid of not being able to preform as well as previous partners.

As for excessive masterbation.....thats nonsense, complete nonsense. If what you say was the case you would be able to hit my fella with a hammer it would of de-sensitised that much. Put it this way, ive a girlfriend the last three years and we have sex just about every day and I still masterbate, so does she its 100% natural thing so i dont see how it could do harm!

If you have only really started to see each other you maybe a bit nervous still, are things abit arkward when taking off each others clothes?, do you kiss for ages before even so much as a button is undone? If so its purely a nerves issue.

Best advice I could give is dont hide away from it, keep at it and USE LOTS OF LUBE.....and most importantly when you want to come make sure and adopt the doggy position, always remember sex is great so dont take it so seriously just relax and give it socks (but take your socks off)

Just be thankful you can get it up and you dont ejaculate prematurley.........both are much worse then your prediciment.

Best of luck with the ridin

Skud

could be a few things but sometimes ppl have to be more turned on than others. Maybe you need to warm up a bit more. It's rare guys have to do it more than girls but it does happen. Try something you like, bath or whatever to relax you and then try your fav position etc. Or somethings kinky. Could always get your gf to experiment and rate the things u like and don't when she checks every part of your body.

I don't think it's the gay thing tbh I think he would have realised it. If something doesnt feel right then you need to question it. But the fact you posted here means you feel something is going wrong. Just got to find what it is...

LegacyUser

You are definitely not alone on this one. Ignore the first few comments, people always try to play the gay card to patronise the situation. I too have difficulty ejaculating. I don't have a whole lot of sexual experience but I have never cum from penetrative sex, only masturbating myself or by a girl. I even sometimes find it hard to cum when **** myself, usually have to beat the hell out of it leaving my arm throbbing! All men masturbate, some more than others but unless your cracking one off 10 times a day you've nothing to worry about. I'd say maybe we grip to tight, and we are used to more friction that a woman can provide.

I too worry about what a girl would think - as if I was ubable to make a woman have an orgasm I would not be happy, but as men usually never have problem climaxing, you can understand why a girl might feel bad or think it is somehting to do with her and become self concious. Hey, many men can't last more then 2 minutes so any girl should count herself lucky that guys like us can f**k them all night long!

Can any women please give their opinion on what they would think if they were with a guy who never climaxed when having sex? And what to do about the situation?

LegacyUser

stallion wrote:

people always try to play the gay card to patronise the situation. Can any women please give their opinion on what they would think if they were with a guy who never climaxed when having sex? And what to do about the situation?

Agreed. The OP did not mention any confusion with his sexuality. If he does, then, that will change things. He seem to genuinely care for his gf and seems upset that she is blaming herself on this.

OP, a little more info would be great.

sportswear

hey i suggest not whacking off for ages and then you will be extremely horney and should be more likely to cum


it is possible to desensitize your skin through mastrabation but this will come back if you slow down on it.

its a simple case of your body adjusting to its environment.

this is a psychological problem. you will have no problems after the first time you come.

guaranteed.

sportswear

oh and the gay thing is an idiotic thing to suggest.

LegacyUser

OP: i was casually seeing a guy a few years ago who had this problem. i really liked him, and we had pretty wild sex, but after a few times it became clear that he never came. i asked him about it and he admitted that he never came during sex and only with **** and blow jobs sometimes.

i was really confused about it all, because i had been with a lot of guys and never ever had any trouble controling their orgasms, and most had occasion to tell me i was the best ever. so i didn't want to believe he didn't like me that much, so i tried to figure out what it was - asking was there anything different i could do, if it was some emotional thing, if he had some mad fetish i could help with, tried handjobs and blow jobs and everything. in the end i gave up trying. he never came for me, except if he was **** himself.

he didn't seem to be too bothered about it. i was really bothered because i'm the type of person who needs to know the other person is really turned on/coming before i can myself. so we stopped seeing each other.

the next guy i was going out with for about a year, everything was going fab. we'd be coming all over the shop. then one day i just stopped, and no matter what he did i couldn't come. we tried everything. i still found him attractive and everything, so it wasn't to do with him, i just couldn't come. when i masturbated alone i could sometimes, but i stopped caring about it. so we broke up.

then i got back with the first guy around xmas for a while and we'd end up having sex for ages, yawning, getting bored and stopping. it was really frustrating. i have still to this day not figured out a solution. the only thing i can think of that would have helped might be if we talked about it more and made more jokes about it, so it was less of a dissappointment when one ot both of us would get tired of trying and stop ****ing. maybe u could try this? i don't know. i'm as much in need of help on this subject as you.

sojust to let you know ur not alone -its crap, i feel your pain.

LegacyUser

bravestarr082 wrote:

I went through a stint where i couldnt piss in public a couple of years ago it was unbelievable.....I would be standing at a urinal counting the friggin tiles, whatever it was went away as I kept confronting it until it went away (i.e I kept using urinals instead of cubicals on purpose).

off-topic, but anyhoo's... how did you overcome this problem? Have the same problem myself, I know its its nerves, but haven't any idea how to get over it

If you have any tips, I'd be grateful.

Wez

I dunno like, I lasted 2 hours once, of intensive stuff, and I normally have no bother!

LegacyUser

stallion wrote:

I even sometimes find it hard to cum when **** myself, usually have to beat the hell out of it leaving my arm throbbing!

Next time this happens, try opening the legs abit. Instead of standing with feet together, place them about 2 feet apart, and allow your knee's to be apart a bit. Don't have the same problem as the OP (actually, I wouldn't know, I'm still a virgin)but this should work for stallion.

From what I know, if you "suck-in" your d|ck (can't explain it any more percisely), clasp your ass, you don't cum (was nearly caught whacking off once). So maybe relax more, and try a different position. Instead of the position or her legs on the outside, yours on the inside ("her leg|your leg|your leg|her leg"), try something like ("her leg|your leg|her leg|your leg"). This will make your legs more apart, and may solve this problem.

LegacyUser

thanks for your thoughtful replies

Unreg789 wrote:

Agreed. The OP did not mention any confusion with his sexuality. If he does, then, that will change things.

no, im definately not gay!! think most people have sussed theat for themselves at this stage.

at this stage im nearly afraid to have sex with her. of course i want to do it, i think both us want to, but i can't help thinking that when we start out that it's just going to end up in disappointment on my part, and on her part who knows? upset obviously.

so here's where i'm stuck - do we keeping having sex and get disappointed? i mean, how can i know when im gonna cum? so we could just stop having sex and leave it a while, and then when we get back to it, hopefully it'll have sorted itself out. but what if the same thing happens again?! stress

LegacyUser

cantcum wrote:

no, im definately not gay!!
so here's where i'm stuck - do we keeping having sex and get disappointed? i mean, how can i know when im gonna cum? so we could just stop having sex and leave it a while, and then when we get back to it, hopefully it'll have sorted itself out. but what if the same thing happens again?! stress

Right, I know its a little embaressing, but you didnt mention how frequently you masturbate? Do you think you would go without it for a while?
You have yourself in a knot about it all to be honest, which is making it worse. Your gf cares for you, she will hold off on the attempts for a while till you de-stress. just let her know why you are doing it so she doesnt get the wrong impression all together. and when you start again, start small.

Dont over think it too much, by doing that you cant become properly aroused. You are chasing your tail untill you learn to relax.

Good luck OP.

LegacyUser

cantcum wrote:

so here's where i'm stuck - do we keeping having sex and get disappointed? i mean, how can i know when im gonna cum? so we could just stop having sex and leave it a while, and then when we get back to it, hopefully it'll have sorted itself out. but what if the same thing happens again?! stress

naw, don't stop having sex, obviously u both still enjoy sex, right? i mean, its fun, even if u don't come! just accept that you'll have sex, but maybe you won't come, and thats not the end of the world. seriously just tell her, and expplain that your really annoyed about it too, but that if you both take it easy and have some nice friendly sex where your both just aware of each other and your emotions, then even if you never come your doing something more fun than not having sex with her. think of it like a spiritual thing mroe than a sex thing maybe

just my opinion. thats how i try and deal with it anyways.

SarahMc

Are you on any medication, some, particularly anti-depressants can have this side effect?

turbot

Ok, it's probably a good idea for you to explore:

1) What do you think about when you masturbate and can come?

2) What state of mind are you in by yourself when you masturbate and can come?

It might be that you are somewhat self conscious around her, and the tension caused precludes you from relaxing enough to orgasm.

3) You could try it the other way around; where she ties you up and tells you you're not allowed to orgasm (perhaps with consequences), and then proceeds to do everything to get you to orgasm.

4) You could get her to watch you masturbate

5) Though I can't advocate the use of illegal substances, in his book "Sex, Drugs and Magick", later released as "Sex and Drugs" Robert Anton Wilson desrcibes how some drugs like good mari juana and acid can massively enhance sexual experiences ;-)

I suggest:
- Don't masturbate except with her
- Do everything neccessary to get yourself to physiologically relax - get massages / go to the gym / chill out in a sauna / spa / plunge pool / meditate / swim / exercise a lot
- Take lots of vitamins and eat heathily such that you increase your libido
- Tell her you are primarily interested in getting her to orgasm over and over, and you have the staying power to do so...

Relax and chill... it might be helpful to read books by Nancy Friday (like Women on Top), or act out various sexual fantasies .... or generally discuss this with people in multiple anonymous contexts online... for the purpose of improving your situation.

DublinWriter

OP, could the demon drink be a cause?

When you masturbate, do you do so sober?

When you get home with the gf, do you do so after many scoops?

As a younger dude, I had no problem raising the flag, but had problems similiar to yourself after a night on the sauce with my then S.O. No problems when sober.

Just a thought.

LegacyUser

Unreg789 wrote:

Right, I know its a little embaressing, but you didnt mention how frequently you masturbate? Do you think you would go without it for a while?

I'd say about 5-6 times a week. Haven't a clue if this is a lot or what. But yea, will be choking the chicken less in an effort to sort this out.

Not a foreskin/medication issue.

turbot wrote:

Ok, it's probably a good idea for you to explore:

1) What do you think about when you masturbate and can come?

2) What state of mind are you in by yourself when you masturbate and can come?

It might be that you are somewhat self conscious around her, and the tension caused precludes you from relaxing enough to orgasm.

3) You could try it the other way around; where she ties you up and tells you you're not allowed to orgasm (perhaps with consequences), and then proceeds to do everything to get you to orgasm.

4) You could get her to watch you masturbate

5) Though I can't advocate the use of illegal substances, in his book "Sex, Drugs and Magick", later released as "Sex and Drugs" Robert Anton Wilson desrcibes how some drugs like good mari juana and acid can massively enhance sexual experiences ;-)

I suggest:
- Don't masturbate except with her
- Do everything neccessary to get yourself to physiologically relax - get massages / go to the gym / chill out in a sauna / spa / plunge pool / meditate / swim / exercise a lot
- Take lots of vitamins and eat heathily such that you increase your libido
- Tell her you are primarily interested in getting her to orgasm over and over, and you have the staying power to do so...

Thanks for the tips turbot, but we haven't been going all that long, so not sure if i'd try these things out just yet.

Reading through people's replies, I've come to realise that it probably is just the **** thing - not that I think I **** a huge amount, but more that I really go at it when i do it. Someone earlier mentioned it might be a friction thing, that you don't get the same friction from sex that you do from ****. So gonna give it up for a while and see how it goes.

Bosco84

I reckon its must be the booze as well as **** too much. Or maybe your chick was with a bloke before with a big dick who may have widened her too much for you. Just a thought. Maybe it is her fault after all?

LegacyUser

DublinWriter wrote:

OP, could the demon drink be a cause?

When you masturbate, do you do so sober?

When you get home with the gf, do you do so after many scoops?

As a younger dude, I had no problem raising the flag, but had problems similiar to yourself after a night on the sauce with my then S.O. No problems when sober.

Just a thought.

Thanks for the reply DW, no we've mostly been sober tbh. And I've no probably raising the flag, and not trying to blow my own horn or anything put it flies relatively high, the gf seems pleased enough with it

Willymuncher

You're way too anxious and because you think you should come, you're not going to because you're focusing too much on that and not relaxing enough, I had that problem a few times and I felt bad for it....but I managed to snap out of it, it really is a mental block....I don't believe its anything physical. When you **** you're doing it yourself and you've only yourself to please, when you're doing it with someone else you think you've to please them too and it only gets worse when you know that certain problems might be upsetting them.

LegacyUser

cantcum wrote:

I'd say about 5-6 times a week. Haven't a clue if this is a lot or what. But yea, will be choking the chicken less in an effort to sort this out.

Well it varies from man to man to be honest, sounds about average.
But yes, try to hold off for as long as you can. When 'choking the chicken', a guy knows exactly how firmly / loosely he needs to be held, speed at which to to be stimulating at to make himself cum. He generally wouldnt want to make a long session out of it.

So really you are bringing the same impatience into sex with your girlfriend, and might have done this a few times before you started to think there was something wrong with your 'chicken' All of this has raised your stress levels on the matter now, but we know you arent gay, we know its not a foreskin issue. Relax, leave the chicken alone for a while and see if it makes a difference. The woman wont know what hit her
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metrovelvet

Have you had this trouble with other women in the past or is it specific to this relationship?

I have had two male friends have this problem, one chronically and one acutely. I will tell you how they explained this:

The guy who chronically had this problem claimed it was that he got so used to masterbating he couldnt relate to a woman in that way. It was a vulnerability issue.

The acute: this woman he was seeing was particularly selfish and he literaly could not "give" anymore. He felt he was the generous one in the relationship and that this imbalanced feeling eventually showed up in bedroom and was manifest in his inability to ejaculate when he was with her.

From a female perspective - its too hard to generalise. It would really depend on the circumstances.

To avoid dissappointment in life the key is in adjusting your expectations.

Do you think its her technique? Or a lack of chemistry between you?