Got no friends

LegacyUser

Basically, I have no friends; in fact my only friends are my brothers and because of this I am really down. No one and I mean no one talks to me in my college course and whenever I try to be friendly I get either a non reply or a one word answer. There are times when I pass these people on campus; say hi and then nothing comes back. I have asked people if they want to go for drinks or coffee and they ALL reject; and to make matters worse, I discover about the 'great' night out everyone had.

Please help me !!

funk-you

what are you into?
can you join any clubs or societies?
Are you really forward when asking them to go for coffee?

Sorry bout all the questions but if there are any clubs or societies in college or your area go and join one. They are a good way of making friends. Dont be expecting a full on friendship after only talking to someone a couple of times either. Just chat away and let things develop to a stage where its comfortable for them and you to see eachother as more than 'this fella who i'm in college with' rather than this 'fella i barely know keeps asking me out for coffee'.

-Funk

Ruu_Old

Surely there are some groups or clubs that are available in the college you go to. Try joining some and you will find people with similar interests.

Kell

OP-

Not that it should matter, but are you male or female?

Dont be phased. Did this always happen when you were at school as well or just since you hit college?

Its my experience recently, that most people are more worried about what people think of them than anything else including being bothered about whether they have manners or not. Seems you cant speak to someone these days without having an "ulterior motive" or being (in their minds) "a psycho". We have all heard the story from "Jen", the brainless brunette in the college canteen about the "fúcking psycho" she encountered yesterday when in fact all the chap said was "isnt the weather changeable today" in passing at the bus stop.

I wouldnt worry about it to be honest. People who dont reply when greeted or shown courtesy to, arent actually worth knowing and probably suffer from self confidence issues, hence the absence of replies because they dont actually know what to say in return for fear they will fúck up.

Dont worry until you are in year four and are still not out on the bend engaging in all sorts of debauchery on a nightly basis.

K-

simu

Yeah, try the socs or your college's online forums to meet people. Many people in college seem to decide that they already have enough friends and don't want to make more and it would seem that this is the case with your class comrades.

lizanne

Unreg 32564 wrote:

Basically, I have no friends; in fact my only friends are my brothers and because of this I am really down. No one and I mean no one talks to me in my college course and whenever I try to be friendly I get either a non reply or a one word answer. There are times when I pass these people on campus; say hi and then nothing comes back. I have asked people if they want to go for drinks or coffee and they ALL reject; and to make matters worse, I discover about the 'great' night out everyone had.

Please help me !!

ill be your friend

Look some people are just assholes- i doubt its you- you said its getting you down so maybe they pick up on that- ive a friend like you but the difference is she doesnt even try- i wouldnt worry about it

Or if its really annoying you id ask them whats wrong

daithimac

the usual thing you can do is be yourself, if you don't think that will help you then there are certain things you can do such as work on you deportment and how you build repore with people. I would recommend you read how to win friends and influnce people by dale carnige and the game by neil strauss for this. but the advise you got about joining clubs and socs is also very good. you must be sure what kind of people you want to surround yourself with and not just take what is available. I have know smart people in college who messed up because they started going out with the wrong type of people

Aziraphale

ill be your friend

I'll be your friend too.

You could latch onto people and talk to them till they pay attention to you. What should you talk about? Their homework answers might do...

And go out anyway! There's nothing to stop you going to the same pub/whatever as them. If they don't like you to start with, it can't make you more unpopular.

If being nice isn't working, be aggressive. Make people realise you're cool. Don't be passive.

TheNog

All advice given here is good and you should try to take it as much as possible. My advice is to make sure you are presentable in your clothes, personnal hygiene, habits (picking ur nose or making snorting noises) etc. I don't want to make you paranoid but in some cases this is the problem. After that try to be as optimistic as you can and show that enthusiaim (SPELT WRONG i know). People tend to be drawn to others with a certain level of confidence and withdraw from those that moan or seem depressed.

Again I don't want to freek you out. Also why don't you talk to your brothers and ask them for advice. Maybe they can help you out, they are family after all.

Wolf

I would ask, what kind of friends are you seeking? I mean are you trying very hard to only talk to people that you want to be your friends? Or will any old person that you meet do?

I know people that didn't have many friends because they wanted to be in a certain group and perhaps they saw themsleves as a peson they truly aren't.

The other thing I would wonder, is that apart from the few lines we have read we know notthing about you. So another question I would rasie is that I have meet people who are a bit weird or come across as aggresive or dissmissive and as such if they asked me to go for pints I wouldn't want them out.

One such example was a girl in college who basically was an asshole I am sorry, but, we tried with her and she was. She was the kind of person who if you told a story about been pissed the other night after drinking a bottle of wishkey and then having a 3 hour walk home, she would instantly have a story basically the same where she drank 3 bottles and walked 5 hours home. She also would try to drink to impress and end up in such a state that we would end up having to put her in a taxi at 8/9 ish and often having to pay for it or someone having to go with her. Obviously we ended up avoiding her and not wanting her to join us on nights out. She ended up getting quite upset by all this, although, she blamed us and not her behaviour.

Now I am not saying that this is you, but, I could quite easily see her making a post just like yours!?

I would suggest going to one of the boards beer bashes. Its a case of random people turn up from boards and many of them are very nice, interesting, people and on the whole not too judgemental. Indeed as others have said I'll be your freind. What I mean by this is I'd be more than happy the next time I am in Dublin, if that where you are, to invite you along with my mates for a drink. However, I would be prepared and so should you that maybe, we might not get along, but, I would be willing to try.

All in all what I am getting at is ask yourself why you find it so hard to make freinds mayeb you might have something to work from. What are you doing that is so different to everyone else. I found in my own case that once I was happy and comfortable with myself that making and finding friends became practically easy, if anything, after a few bad experiences I found that I needed to be a little more selective. You have to be able to offer freinds something so that they in trun can offer something to you. Its a two way door.

I hope some of this is in some way helpfull and remember, as people have said pm them, post here we'll take you out for a drink, although if you are an odd ball try to take any advice or freindly critisisim with good nature and take it on board. I mean you may come across as a try hard and if so I would probably say to you "Here mate tone it down a bit eh."

You are not alone and it will be ok, seriously take the offers and have a luagh.

Hermione*

I've lsot friends in the past, and found it incredibly isolating at the time. But I try to accept that people grow apart.

If you're friends with your siblings, why not go out with one/all of them? Some people I know who have a number of friends but aren't friends with their siblings often complain about the lack of a relationship between themselves and their siblings. My little sister is one of my very best friends, but since we don't live in the same city we don't get to get out together very often. That being said, our friendship is so much more valuable because I know I'll never lose it.

Take care.

BoozyBabe

Ok,

I'm not trying to insult you in any way, so if this is not you, then please ignore!

In class, do you find that you think you know the answer to every question asked?
(if so) Do you feel good about letting everyone know you know the answer?
If people in the class are discussing something, do you always feel you have to input your point of view without being asked?
Is your personal hygiene up to scratch (I'll go no further there, I'm assuming you know what level is up to scratch)

These might seem like strange things to ask, BUT:- when I was at college there was a guy there who was exactly as I described above.

add to that:- he never ever washed. There was such a sour (i think could describe it) smell of him, so much so, the lecturer would come into the room, ask what's the awful smell & then open the window.

I'm not a bitch in any way, nor were most of the other people in the class, but you could not, & would not want to talk to this guy:- the smell & filth of his clothes was nearly reason enough, but he was always right regardless, & well people just don't like that personality trait.

If you're nothing like that, then ignore this, I've no advice for you, cos I've no idea why people won't talk to you.

If any of the above applies to you, then do something to change it just a little.


(Sorry if that was WAAAAY of point)

LegacyUser

Hey i know where your coming from im studying nursing and everyone on my course is either married or settled wit bf etc n im totally up for doing things outside of uni but they wont do anything at all. iv found it so hard this year to make a good group of friends. As for socities iv been a few times but with placement 6months of the year i cant go every week Im not completly alone but i dont have many people to go out n have a mad one with or people i can talk too.

alantc

OK, let's cut the crap... it's probably you. It's pretty easy to get along with people in college. What do _you_ think you're doing wrong?

Try going onto bebo and adding everyone from you college as your friend. Half of them will be stupid enough to just click add and the one's that don't will check out your page anyway, giving you a higher page count, and therefore social standing. Your name will be recognisable by lots of people and when they notice that their friends are on your friends list then they'll trust you a little more. I guarantee more people will talk to you in class.

Also, shower daily and go to the gym... people are superficial and any small thing like this will help minipulate them into being friendly with you. Wear a cologne that noone else wears so it gives girls something to spark conversation about. Brand name clothes also work, get few tommy hilfiger or polo tshirts.

Keep ahead in your course so people will turn to you for help.

Follow my advice and you'll br Mr. Popular in no time. (also, Mr. Popular would be a good login name for bebo)

Dave!

ignore the troll OP

alantc

I'm totally serious about how superficial people are and how you can use this to your advantage. And that you do need to look at yourself and see if there's anything you wouldn't like if you were hanging out with you. I do see that the last line of my post might have made me sound like a troll, but it is good advice.

Amazotheamazing

As distasteful as alantc advice is, people are superficial. The easiest thing is to talk about the usual things like soccer, music and girls/boys.

Esel

Aziraphale wrote:

...
If being nice isn't working, be aggressive....

Eh, I think the word you are looking for is 'assertive'.

LegacyUser

I can understand where you're coming from OP. At the moment I'm out of college and working, I've found that it's much worse than college. Just feel that all my friends from college are off doing their own thing at the moment and I rarely ever hear from them. The friends that I do have are too quiet and reclusive, so a good night on the tear rarely happens with them. It's really depressing, especially when you see other people having groups of friends. :mad:

Any advice I can give you is to get to know people in your class by maybe studying with them, when it comes close to exams/assessments. You can always have a right laugh with them, bitching about a certain lecturer, etc. Also if you meet people from your class out on a student night, stop and have a chat to them for a minute or two, then you'll have something to talk about in class when you meet them again. Also most societies have nights out every so often, so joining a popular soc, you're bound to meet some interesting people. That's all the advice I can give you.

Wolf

alantc wrote:

I'm totally serious about how superficial people are and how you can use this to your advantage. And that you do need to look at yourself and see if there's anything you wouldn't like if you were hanging out with you. I do see that the last line of my post might have made me sound like a troll, but it is good advice.

I was trying to get at this in my pervious post, perhaps it might be something with the OP, however, yours is a little more, eh, direct shall we say

However, people are very superficial in general. However, changing yourself to fit into others views is not healthly. I mean the first time I was in Uni I sort of did this (I was still true to my morals etc) and ended up head of ents and all that, I knew everyone in college and I still felt incredably alone, in fact for feeling alone it was one of the worst times in my life.

Thats not to say the self improvement might not be a good thing though. But being a try hard and trying to fit in is very different from trying to be a better person. Been comfortable with yourself is far more important and attractive than trying to be something you are not.

As for the Bebo tip, do you really want to be a big shot on Bebo? Do you really want Beboers as friends? Well, each to their own I say.

turbot

As an outlandish suggestion, you could go up to some strangers and ask them for their opinion.

Being popular is easy IMO; basically you have to be in a good mood, listen and have lots of jokes at hand, bother to spend your time talking to lots of people, and do stuff.

Easy ways to make friends are:
- Do stuff that is social (society driven)
- Participate in these things
- Afterwards, it's natural to socialise

Are you sure it's not that you are pretty depressive? If you harbour a really negative vibe, you can bring other people down. IF you are pretty to very depressed, then you can do different things about it:
- See a doctor
- Do a detox and eat better so you have more energy
- Take all the right vitamins (read optimium nutrition for the mind by Patrick Holford)
- Try new stuff
- Listen to upbeat music...

Aziraphale

esel wrote:

Eh, I think the word you are looking for is 'assertive'.

No, I meant what I said. To aggress is to approach, to do, to be active in the plan.

LegacyUser

I'm in the same scenario as you OP. I have next to near no friends and i'm incredibly depressed over it. I feel like i'm the only one, everyone who i know have amazing social lives, they are out drinking and socialising at least 2 nights during the week, they have endless amounts of friends, they are meeting more and more people and i'm the one left behind. It kills me inside. I suppose i've always struggled socially with people to an extent. I was bullied in my early teenage years which destroyed my confidence and self esteem. I went through a period of about 3 years having no friends at all.
In my late teenage years i pushed myself more with people and made friends but in all honsety these friends i made were more people to be around with. I still never had that best friend the one who i could trust and talk to about anything and it was quite clear i was down the pecking order in popularity among my group. I noticed great changes in these friends when everyone started going to college, acting differently being colder around me etc. I was feeling more and more uncomfortable around my group but i stood by them until a some of them started all sorts of crap with me and i was left with no choice but to take the hard option and walk away leaving me back to square one by having no one. A lesson from my experience is to only makes friends with people who can genuinely trust and feel comfortable with.
I'm in college too and even though i know a fair few people i still havent met anyone who i could call a friend. College can be a tough environment to meet people. Clubs, socieites or whatnot are a potential medium to meet people but they're not always the solution.
The thing is in my situation too is that i know alot of people but i struggle to get an ample opportunity to get to know them better and build friendships. In the 18-22 age category which i'm sure you fit into if you're in college it's immensely difficult to make new friends. The majority of people have vast social networks and don't have the time or space to fit new people into their lives. It's a pain in the arse but it's fact that we've got to live with. Despite all this i would describe myself a good looking person with a fun lovin' personality who takes great care of themself. In theory i should have a big social group, loads of friends but deep down inside i'm lonely bit i do have good self esteem about myself abliet lack of confidence in certain situations. I know i've been unlucky with the people i've met, i've had other factors go against me which has prevented me meeting people but deep down i probably do realize that people do have an ability to suss out someones confidence or weakpoints.
I know this has been a very long post but i just want to let you know that you're not the only person out there who feels like you do. Maybe you can relate to some of things i've talked about. Even though i'll admit i feel down and out at the moment you've gotta keep your head held high and get on with life. Keep active, stay healthy, any opportunity that arises to meet people take it, i've met a few people from this very site and they were such lovely people. Stay true to yourself, don't conform just to try to fit into a social clique. I'm thinking about doing voluntary work or something along those lines in order to boost my confidence around people more than anything, maybe you should think about doing something similar? Life can be tough, people in general can be a very tough nut to crack but i can guarantee that you will find friends out there by believing in yourself.