Problems coming clean about my eating disorder

LegacyUser

This may turn into a bit of a rant but I'll try not to. Basically I have finally realised that I have a serious problem with my eating habits. I know you'll probably all say that it's really obvious that I have a problem etc, but it's harder to notice when you're looking at yourself and it has come on so gradually. Anyway, before yesterday I would just have considered myself as a slightly overweight person who makes themselves sick occassionally. I started making myself sick about five and a half years ago but it has never been a regular thing so I didn't think I would be classed as a bulimic. Anyway I've been getting worse and worse over the last six months or so and my boyfriend just can't manage it anymore, he said that he feels like he is way in over his head with me and my problems. I did an online test on a website (www.something-fishy.org I think it was) I display nearly all of the symptoms including some of the physical ones, so it's only just hit me that I have a very big problem. I decided to do something about it so I tried talking to my Dad, he's usually really understanding when I have problems, but for some reason this time he was really unhelpful. I was trying to explain it to him, I guess I didn't start right or something, but he basically doesn't believe me. He thinks that it's just that I'm disorganised and need to structure my life a bit better and then I'd be ok. I told him things about my eating habits and my paranoia and my depression that I have never told anybody but my boyfriend and he basically threw it back in my face. Now I am really upset and embarrassed and humiliated and I don't know what to do. I thought that my Dad would be my biggest supporter but he refuses to believe that I have a problem. Now I wish that I hadn't said anything at all because I don't know how to face him now. What can I do? I can't deal with this on my own, even though I've only just realised I have a big problem I have been trying to tackle it for years on my own and it just hasn't worked. I go through phases of eating and exercising properly and getting on with my life but it always comes back whenever I'm stressed or upset about something. I want to get help but I don't know how to do it without the support of my parents. I am 18 by the way, and I am an only child. If you're responding to this please don't tell me to just get on with it, or to just eat properly, or what the physical damage I'm doing to myself is because I know all of that already. I cannot rationalise it when I'm in that sort of mood, vomiting for me is like a compulsion, right now for example I can see how stupid it is but when I've eaten a cookie or something and I start imagining it turning into fat under my skin I freak out and I can't think about anything else or concentrate on anything until I have it out of my system. I just want to get rid of this part of myself, I hate it, I hate myself for it

laluna

Eating disorders whatever you like to call them are rife nowadays. But there is help to be got in the form of support groups/tablets/hospitalisation/talking to professional. Only you can decide that you want to get better and only you can decide to stay going the way you are. I have been in your position and it is scary giving away the control but you must or this will continue. I hope this helps.

Canis Lupus

Professional help.

Beruthiel

you need to go see your doctor asap.
your Da probably doesn't understand this and therefore is unable to help, it's out or his realm of experience. Don't feel badly towards him, he loves you.
please see your doctor urgently

Rogueish

Congratulations on taking the first steps to recognising and getting treatment for your problem.

I know that it is really disheartening that your Father couldn't give you the support you so badly need. It is probably not something that he can understand and when he looks at you he sees his little girl and feels that if there was something that radically affecting you that he would be able to see it. It is sadly a case where distance of the emotional kind gives the best perception.

You need at this stage to get professional support that can help you and help your familty come to terms with your problem and help you start down the right road to finding a solution.

www.bodywhys.ie is the website of the Eating Disorders Association of Ireland and that maybe your first starting point in finding the help and support that you need.

If you feel that your G.P. is an option as well do not hesitate to call them today. The more professional support that you can get the more that they can educate your parents and help them help you.

Good Luck

DublinWriter

Admitting you have a problem is the first and usually the hardest step to take.

Well done.

Your first step is to contact your GP. He/She will most likely not be able to do anything for you directly, but will put you in touch with a local professional support group.

reptonite

First off, I agree with everyone here. See your GP, immediately. Though you might not realise it, the isolation you feel right now will be compounding the problem. Going and seeing someone trained to help will get rid of this, and be a massive first step to recovery. It is also important that this person be impartial.

You deserve a big pat on the back. Self diagnosis (especially an accurate one) is 50% of solving the problem. You are to be congratulated.

But I particularly wanted to mention your Dad. This situation unfortunately seems to be happening at a time when you are also learning one of life's greatest lessons. Summed up it's this.

To err is to be human. Parents are human too.

It was a blow to me, when first I received evidence that my father had made a fundamental error of judgement. It shattered me (as like you I was seeking help, and therefore vulnerable at the time).

But over time I realised two things.

1. Approaching him in this mental state, I was not looking at him as human, but as my p personal roblem solver. Not getting the help I wanted crushed me.

2. It did not occur to me that what I was telling him might trigger the flight or flight reflex in him, or be upsetting him to the extend that he wanted to slip into denial. I only saw the rebuff.

So, what I am saying is that while it is unfortunate that he acted in the way he did, I'd lay money on the fact that wanting the best for his only child, this human being is just distressed at the whole concept, and wants it to go away.

I know you are disappointed, but try to look at it from another perspective.

Here is a man that loves you above all others. He is also a man probably (after his knee-jerk reaction) wracked with guilt over the way he acted. A man too that sees you as a child (and probably always will) and just doesn't want anything to be wrong with his little girl. But above all, he is a man, and believe me, we fail sometimes.

Get help. You will be surprised what dealing with one major problem will do to aleviate another. OK?

M

sachamama

congratulations, yes admitting you have a problem will really help you to face and deal with it.
but dont hate yourself. the hate keeps the cycle going. as hard as it is to understand, all parts of yourself must be cherished. if you can let go of the hate, embrase all the parts of you that make you the unique person that you are, it will really help you when you go and do the work.
and forgive your father for not understanding. you have support, you are not alone.

LegacyUser

hey! ive done the same as you, throwing up my food when my life feels out of control. go see your GP, trust me they can help. its the first step but i havent felt the need to throw up in a good while so i hope you can get over this too!
dont worry about your Dad, the whole thing was probably just a shock to him and he didnt know how to handle it or what to say. once he understands he'll be there for you. sometimes its hard to remember that Dad isnt a superhero but normal
hope your feeling better real soon!

meow

Its great you've realised you have a problem,t ahst the first step. The second os asking for help, its harder than it sounds.

I've had an eating disorder for going on twelve years now and kept it quiet for the first five. Alot of behaviours and negative thought patterns became well-rooted in those five years and now I'm finding it extremely difficult to break them. It can be done, but it does take time.

Bodywhys have an email support now if you want to chat and ask their advise.
Your GP is your first port of call, from there you can get access to a dietitian, counsellor (which is vital) psychiatrist or specialist help. The sooner you do this, the quicker you can get your life back on track.
Just something to be aware of too, some GP's can be a little flippant of it. If you feel you're not getting anywhere with him/her, keep going back, insist on blood tests and if all else fails find someone else.
It'sextremely important for you to be checked out.

In reality few people with ED's are seriously underweight, most look like your average person walking down the street but in their mind, they're tormented.

Bulimia is deadly, you're electrolytes go haywire which can lead to a heart attack, everytime you vomit you risk rupturing your stomach and oesphagus. Your teeth turn to stubs and there's a hell of a lot more that can go wrong.
You said you've already been to SomethingFishy, I'm a member of the forums there and you can get some support if you decide to join (its free)
There's also plenty of information for you regarding health issues, treatment options and associated dangers.

As for your dad, some people of a certain age tend to think problems like this are about attention seeking, or worse, about greed.
You know its not but its very hard to explain it to someone who's never experienced it before. If you go to your GP, you can get him/her to speak to your dad afterwards to explain exactly what the disorder is, its dangers and treatment. There is a section on SomethingFishy too where you can print out info and tips on how to help for your dad.

I can't urge you strongly enough to seek help now, eating disorders are deadly deadly serious, one out of every ten sufferers dies while the rest either recover of die still suffering. Its no life, trust me. Its grip is vice-like and early intervention is so so vital.

I'd love if you could come back for a little update when you go see your GP, and maybe I might 'see' you in the Fishy Forums someday, I have the same username there.

Good luck

LegacyUser

I still feel like I'm too fat to have an eating disorder, you'd never tell just by looking at me. I can't help thinking that that's one of the reasons why my Dad doesn't believe me, if I was skinny maybe he'd have an easier time of it. Well, it seems you could tell I'm upset just by looking at me though - I got off a bus yesterday and as I was walking away from the bus stop this man stopped me and asked if I was alright, he said he'd never seen anyone looking so sad in his life. I don't know why but I started to cry then and I had to run away before he asked me anything else, I can't manage people asking me questions because when I start thinking about it I always burst in to tears. I never used to cry by the way, I didn't cry for years and years, and now every little thing is setting me off. I'm still upset about my Dad - I mean, thinking about it maybe I shouldn't have expected anything, I remember when his father was dying I was surprised at how he acted because he showed so little emotion, I guess he just can't cope with emotionally charged subjects and maybe me springing this on him was a bit too emotional for him - but I just can't believe that I told him that I eat and I vomit and I use laxatives and I've vomited up blood before and he thinks it would all go away if I just tidied up my college notes a bit better?! That if I was more organised I wouldn't have any problems?!!!
Anyway my boyfriend is getting me to make an appointment with the college counsellor, unfortunately I can't afford to go to my GP so if I wanted to go I'd have to get the money off my parents. I'll see how the counsellor goes, I don't see how they'll do anything though.

meow

If you can't afford to go to a GP, apply for a GP only medical card.
As you're eighteen, your parents income isn't taken into account.
I can't see any reason why you wouldn't be granted one.

Can I ask, if you had a major infection or puenomia would you find the money to get yourself to a GP? I'm guessing yes.
Bulimia is no different, its a serious illness and just because you can't see it, it doesn't make it any less real.

I can't stress how important it is for you to see a GP, you need at the very least a whole set of blood tests done and an ECG.


Take care

Someone close to my heart went through the exact same thing. Seeing them gradually get thinner and thinner just broke my heart. And almost broke people apart

What people don't realise that it is a mental illness more than anything else.

In reply to meow, its true.. an ECG is the best thing you can do, as it will tell you if the anorexcia/bulimia has taken its toll on your body. Its what this person did, and having discoverd a problem, they were hospitalised straight way. It was this person's third time being hospitalised with anorexcia and still havent gotten better. I know I am spelling things wrong all over the place.

I don't want to say how I know this person, just in case someone here knows them. I shouldn't be discussing their personal issues in public, but it relates to this, and I have gone through it .. it impacts the other people alot.

You should see your GP, but also councilling. Like I said, it is also a mental illness, and you can try and cure your body, but your mind will still be affected.

mazroo

Hey,

I too have suffered with bulimia for a couple of years. A rough background hear-I always compaired myself to my freinds and felt like i needed to control something. I wasnt in a rush as much as my friends were to gro up and be with guys so food was my thing...I could contol that. I started dieting and lost weight. I got complements and felt great, I stopped losing weight and wanted more so started making myself sick. Your right, I was at the time, by no means skinny nor fat. Just slightly over average but in my eyes it was disgusting and all I cold do to make myself feel like I was Doing something was to vomit. I started off thnkin I was grand.. I kept breakfast ad lunch downa and just 'got rid' of dinner. .. this escalated to two meals and then all.. I would gorge on food and guzzle water and felt 'high' from it and then for it to have no impact on me cuz I threw it up was the best... Mam got a little suspisious so I tried to hide it from her. Fine- Untill mam cought me in my bedroom vomiting into a bag. I confessed to it all and swore her to secrecy. Dad was angry at me cuz of my constant mood swings when I was freaking out when I couldnt purge.. I starved myself to compensate and lack of food me me irrational and Irritable. I told him why and he told me to get a grip and eat.. This KILLED me but he, like most men of that generation dont see the pressure your people are under to conform to socities 'perfect image'. He sees you for the person you are nad his little girl. In his eyes(AND PROB MOST EVERYONE ELSE AROUND YOU)your his beautifull smart little girl and he finds it hard to understand why an intelligent girl would do that to herself and why she would want to. Its something they dont understand. And unless they see hard facts they wont. Its a physcilogical thing, a lack of esteam and body dysmorphya . log on to eatingdisorders.ie and it explains how your mind works and how these irrational thoughts happen. Its very helpfull. I had many long years of mental torture and I stil get days where I binge and my instinct is to throw up but I dont.. It was a bad day and ill pick right up. I have too. If today, i think, thats turning to fat, i rember back to how tormented I was in my own head when I was living in secrecy. Its not worth it... Please, seek professional advice. It is NOT an easy road believe me and finding someone you can trust to talk to about this will be hard too but its worth it. Your father will eventually come around that I promise. Mine did... after 8 years tho.. so this one you may have to do without him.. He loves you though that Im sure of... Be good to yourself

LegacyUser

Sorry to be dragging up an old thread I know everyone hates it, but I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who responded to this thread with advice, I really appreciate it. I had my third appointment with a counsellor today in college, and though I haven't been to the doctor yet I have an appointment made for early next week. I'm not better yet, but I'm not making myself sick as often as I was at the time I started this thread, and I'm trying to take more exercise and I've stopped my mother from buying junk food so I won't snack on it when I'm feeling low. My Dad and I are back to talking normally again though neither of us has mentioned our earlier conversation about my eating disorder. I'm still sad about it, but I don't feel angry at him anymore. I suppose I was expecting a bit much, and though I'm still disappointed in him and will probably never be able o confide in him about anything again, I suppose I can see it a bit more from his point of view. I know it's going to take a while but I'm just hoping I can at least control this soon. I really mean the thank you by the way, you guys helped more than you know.