the Written approach

MayoMy

This is something that has been playing on my mind for some time now and I was hoping the good people on boards.ie might be able to give me some advice.

I have been dating my girlfriend for close to 18 months now. We broke up (my decision) about half way through but got back together some weeks later. I missed her greatly and we agreed to give it another go. However, I have come to the conclusion that it's not meant to be and it would be best for the two of us for me to bring the relationship to an end. I am filled with too many doubts, I miss my freedom and to be perfectly honest with you I am not sleeping very well lately worrying about the situation. Maybe I am too soft.

We have had a great time together. We both are very comfortable with one another when alone and I do care very deeply for her. This makes it all the more difficult as you can imagine.

One problem however has been our inability to simply let each other know we feel. We simply don't talk about the things a couple should get out in the open such as the future or how we feel about a particular situation. Quite simply, we are just no good at saying "no!". For example, the opportunity for the two of us to move in together will arise soon but there is no chance of this being discussed until the very last minute. The only time we have really 'talked' was during the few arguments we had. These were always nasty and things were said which were later regretted.

I have no doubt that a second breakup will hurt her greatly. The idea of this does distress me. If I cared little for her feelings it would be so much easier but as I have mentioned she is someone special to me. So I am considering writing her a letter. In it I will tell her how I feel and what I think is the right thing to do for both of us. This way she can perhaps read it over a few times and let it sink in. I will of course let her know that I will be close by to talk about it all.

Perhaps you think I am a selfish, cowardly person resorting to this course of action in an effort to avoid a heated, emotional confrontation. That may very well be the case. Considering our last break up that will most likely happen. I know I will have to face her eventually. I simply think that I will let her down a little easier this way. At least she will know exactly how I feel.

I'd appreciate any advice or stories of similar breakups. It's good to at least tell my story to people who know something about this kind of thing.

Thanks for reading.

M

py2006

Hmmm. the letter idea might be a good idea! Aslong as you express to here from the off that you find it difficult to discuss and articulate your feelings by word of mouth.

Let her know that you needed to get all your thoughts and feelings out and the only way you feel you could do this is by writing it all down.

Also, as you said let her know that you are willing and available to discuss it at any time.

I am not sure if I helped you out or not as I have no experience of this myself.

chump

MayoMy wrote:

problem however has been our inability to simply let each other know we feel. We simply don't talk about the things a couple should get out in the open such as the future or how we feel about a particular situation.

Why are you waiting for her to start up this element of your friendship, why don't you grow a pair (buddy) and start communicating with her and hope she obliges by talking back to you.

MayoMy wrote:

I am considering writing her a letter.

Because you don't have the ability to talk to her properly, and are afraid to actually start, you're going to do one of the wimpiest most pathetic things someone can do and break up by letter...

MayoMy wrote:

Perhaps you think I am a selfish, cowardly person resorting to this course of action in an effort to avoid a heated, emotional confrontation. That may very well be the case.

It doesn't have to be heated, and it mightn't have to happen at all if you learned to talk to her properly in the 1st place...



Good luck with what you do...

tk123

Sorry but I think the letter is a bit of a cop out. You say you care about her and she's somebody special to you etc but you can't even say how you feel?! She could feel the same for all you know - TALK TO HER!!!

Chucky the tree

Grow some balls and do it face to face. a letter? Pathetic.




Edit* just reliased chump said pretty much the same thing, but i did it in a more condensed(sp) way.

Ruu_Old

Nah forget about the letter friend. Instead why not ask her to write a letter explaining how she feels about you and you do the same, then at the same time, sit down together and read each others. You might have a laugh with each other and then would be more at ease to discuss things. Best of luck

rsynnott

A letter's not a good way. I got dumped by email at Christmas; I am STILL irritated with him, while I wouldn't really have minded too much if he'd been honest and done it face to face. Don't really see that a letter's any different.

Tim06

i dont think that a letter is a bad idea. you can put down exactly how your feel and the reasons why you think its better that you finish it. if you break up to her face you will be nervous (rightly so) and wouldn't be able to communicate as clearly the reasons you feel that a breakup is necessary.

Wurly

I was dumped by letter before and its horrible. And you're just going to look like a total coward. I would break up with her in person and then write the letter explaning why you did so. I think that would be much better.

Tobias Greeshman

Writing your gf a letter to discuss your feelings is all well and good, but writing a letter to dump your gf is just very cowardly tbh. If there's no way you can be part of the relationship anymore, then talk to the girl face to face, she definitely deserves that.

I'm sure you'd be more than gutted if she turned around and handed you a long letter explaining how she likes you but can't stand to be in a relationship with you any longer.

Its a step up from dumping someone by a text message, and not much of a step up at that.

pyramuid man

C'mon. The Dear John approach is the worst way to do it. You can write all you like about why you are doing it and tell her everything you feel for her in a letter but at the end of the day she is just going to have something painful to look at whenever she is feeling down and also you can put anything on paper but you cannot express your feelings fully in written format. There is the distinct possibility that all these feelings and love you's are just padding for the breakup.

In other words, all she will have is something that she may believe to be bullcrap and she may not want to talk to you anymore and lose their friendship. Face to face is the best option and then you can answer any questions she may have.
For all you know she may have already realised that it is not worth it and does not want to hurt you.