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Kappar

A deafening silence and empty vision
Where day is night and night is day.
What unfortunate fool captured by foreign state.
The cool metal burns and by whip he learns what it is like to be in chains in the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Custom22

right

The_Minister

Kappar wrote:

A deafening silence and empty vision
Where day is night and night is day.
What unfortunate fool captured by foreign state.
The cool metal burns and by whip he learns what it is like to be in chains in the land of the free and the home of the brave.

I will be cruel here as I expect you want feedback

Kappar wrote:

Where day is night and night is day.

Pretty old and used. I think it actually dates back to the bible.

Kappar wrote:

A deafening silence

This is what we call a cliché.

shiv

There's no need to be so harsh here...
It takes a lot to post anything in this forum.

I would say you need to flesh it out a bit, put more meat on its bones to make it have more impact.

But there's something there, I think you just need to work on it a bit.

Night_Rocker

Forgive me for being cliché

But what isn't cliché now days?

Blush_01

Spagetti Bolognese. With grated cheese. That's just tasty.

In all seriousness, I don't really like how the thing is written on a visual level. The last line is far too long and rambling and should be condensed or divided, in my opinion.

I have no problem with clichés, familiarity breeds affection so that's not a problem for me. Although, Firespinner, you are a cantankerous old trout at times! That said, what you said was neither cruel nor brutal.

If the day/night comment dates back to the bible, so it does. As Marina Carr once said (I'm only paraphrasing her here, it's not a direct quote) there's no harm in stealing as long as you do justice to what you've stolen. Talent borrows, genius steals - yet another comment that springs to mind. If that's the only flaw you can point out, there seems little to criticise.

I do think there's something there, but it does need work. It doesn't seem to fall into itself, if you know what I mean. Man, I'm so inarticulate at times it hurts almost physically!

Night_Rocker

I think i love you Blush

That was such a good point.

I only wish I could say those kind of points...

Oof!

is_that_so

I'd recommend looking at Conrad, particularly Lord Jim for descriptions. At the same time there is nothing wrong with starting with something like say

"He'd lost track of the days. And the nights. Nothing but heat, constant heat."

Then off you go with a more detailed description.

Night_Rocker

Ok

I just actually read the thing. And i have to say. It is bad. Like, really bad.

What the hell are ye ramblin on about?

It's just a bunch of paradoxes!