How to dump someone who is suicidal/depressed?

LegacyUser

Right... i really dont know what to do, im stuck in a long term relationship that i dont feel i want to be in anymore. The problem is, she has become very depressed over the past year or so since there was a death in her family and has taken to relying on me and basically her life revolves around me, and this has led to me having no freedom whatsoever, when im not working or sleeping, im with her, and for the past couple of months i havent been sleeping properly, which is only making things worse too. (i know this is largely my fault for giving in to her)

There has been several times when she has said that she was going to kill herself because she felt so depressed, but this would normally be as a result of us having an argument and i sometimes think its almost like she is saying this to get attention and for me to just say sorry and that i was wrong...

right now, i just want out, i dont want to have to deal with her anymore, its taking its toll on me and its causing me to lose sleep and to feel very depressed.
Ive asked her to see a counsellor/psychiatrist but she wont and she feels im the only one she can talk to, but even then we dont talk about it properly and i dont know what to say when we do.
How do i get out of this situation? I know if i tell her its over she'll say she's gonna kill herself, do i just ignore her and assume its a cry for attention?

Santa Claus

Grief is a funny thing, with some people it can take months and others years to get over it (not that you ever really get over losing someone but managing to cope with the loss)

Explain to her that the situation is having an affect on you too and ask her would she see a professional (A counsellor might be the better option to help her through it rather than a psychiatrist than more often than not just medicate the symptoms).
Tell her she needs some form of help and you're not able to give it anymore (emphasise the not ABLE part in case she mistakes it for you not being willing to give her this help)

If this fails, then I'd be inclined to ask her family to help you persuade her to see someone. Other family members will most likely have gone through similar grieving and that might give her some perspective/hope to relaise she's not the only one who feels like this.

I've been through a similar situation with an ex so PM me if you wanna talk about it.

honru

Dump her, and cut off all ties if she reacts hostile.

Her problems are her problems, not yours.

kamobe

Dump her, and cut off all ties if she reacts hostile.

Her problems are her problems, not yours.

Glad I don't know too many people like you

CathyMoran

My brother was in a similar situation a few years ago - whenever he tried to leave she tried to take her own life. He desperatly tried to get her to see a councellor but she would not. In the end he told her friends and family that he had to leave her (not easy), she went through a rough patch, he was still there as a friend but is now happily married to another man.

hepcat

You have to sit her down and talk to her. It takes easily a year to begin to be normal after the shock and trauma of the death of someone close. I know it's hard but try to have a little more patience - you have the worst over ye hopefully.

Counselling is brilliant, and you need to persuade her somehow to see a counsellor. Again, at this stage, she may be more open to the idea, especially if she sees that you need her to do this for the sake of your relationship. Tell her you are finding it hard and that you would love her to seek bereavement counselling. Get the names and numbers of a few counsellors in yoru area, and give them to her. Ask her to at least give it a try.

Whatever you do don't let her continue with the suicide threats - and do not give them attention in any way. If she actually is suicidal, then she may indeed need psychiatric help, even in the form of a short course of anti-depressants.

Whatever you decide, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hope it works out.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Is the possibilty of going to coinselling together an option? Just bantering an idea about. Don't know if it's practicable or not...

pyramuid man

I think that you should sit down and have a major talk and find out why she is so dependant on you. See why she threatens to kill herself whenever you try to leave and discuss your own needs. Tell her you need some space and that you need to have your own life. Tell her how you feel and see if she feels the same. Then come to a decision as to whether you want to be together anymore.

LegacyUser

thanks for all your replies, its a little bit of a weight off me just to say it to someone at least...ive replied to individual comments below just by whatever came into my head when i read them...

Santa Claus wrote:

If this fails, then I'd be inclined to ask her family to help you persuade her to see someone. Other family members will most likely have gone through similar grieving and that might give her some perspective/hope to relaise she's not the only one who feels like this.

because of all this she is actually becoming less close to her family, i only really see her side of things but from what i see her family either dont realise she needs help or just dont care enough to try, they fight alot and its likely because she thinks they dont care and they think she's just constantly pissed off at them or something...

hepcat wrote:

You have to sit her down and talk to her. It takes easily a year to begin to be normal after the shock and trauma of the death of someone close. I know it's hard but try to have a little more patience - you have the worst over ye hopefully.

its been quite a bit longer than a year im afraid...and it only seems to be getting worse

pyramuid man wrote:

I think that you should sit down and have a major talk and find out why she is so dependant on you. See why she threatens to kill herself whenever you try to leave and discuss your own needs. Tell her you need some space and that you need to have your own life. Tell her how you feel and see if she feels the same. Then come to a decision as to whether you want to be together anymore.

been there...done that
she doesnt want me to leave because she feels she doesnt have anyone else, but she doesnt see that her dependance on me is actually making her lose her friends and family. no matter what i do, she just wont give me any space and to be honest, i dont want to be with her anymore and i think one of the main reasons she gets like this is she's afraid of being alone and she thinks she'll have no one else if i leave.

Seraphina

whattodo_ wrote:

been there...done that
she doesnt want me to leave because she feels she doesnt have anyone else, but she doesnt see that her dependance on me is actually making her lose her friends and family. no matter what i do, she just wont give me any space and to be honest, i dont want to be with her anymore and i think one of the main reasons she gets like this is she's afraid of being alone and she thinks she'll have no one else if i leave.

you need to stop pandering to her. she sees her threats of suicide as a way of keeping you, you cannot let it continue like that. if she thinks it works (which it clearly seems to be) she'll just keep doing it.

honestly, i know you're probably terrified that she'll do something stupid, but you've just gotta break up with her. as someone else said, they are HER problems, and if she wont try and do something about it, how can she expect anything to get better? if she mentions suicide or anything like that, point out that emotional blackmail is no basis for a relationship, and that you're tired of being threatened into staying in a relationship you no longer enjoy being in.

make a counsellor appointment for her, and insist she goes.

in the long run, she'll be much better off without you. she'll hopefully learn to cope by herself again, and not be so dependent on others.

b3t4

Ikky Poo2 wrote:

Is the possibilty of going to coinselling together an option?

I second this idea.

You have also been through an awful lot in the last year, don't forget that. Counselling for yourself would be very beneficial as well.

It'll be easier to talk and get the issues out in the open when there is a mediator in place to help keep things on track. Also, it's in a semi safe environment for both of you.

It also eliminates whatever she feels about counsellors. If the focus is on you and not her problems it might allow her to finally realise her problems in a roundabout fashion.

I do agree that you need to get out of the relationship, I feel the above will make it a little easier on all parties.

A.

LegacyUser

I'm a fairly regular responder on this forum but I'm going unregged for my reply here but to the original poster I feel for you and the predicament as a few years ago I was in a similar position which I think was slightly more ominous than yours. If you can't be bothered reading on, my advice in short is to get her slightly less dependent on you and make the break. Her threats re. suicide are probably just that and should not stop you leaving her. If you go and she does try it you are not obliged to do anything; she is your past history. Put yourself first and get out of the misery.

In my case had I basically become my then girlfreinds counsellor, helper, best friend - everything. Her situation was peculiar as she had no real family to speak of and I was the one who had to deal with everything. I kind of assumed this role from day one but that was my fault for telling myself she needed me more than what she actually did. Our time was a rollercoaster and I was too inexperienced relationship-wise to know that this wasn't normal. Anyway, after a year I discovered she had attempted suicide (almost successfully - was resuscitated) some years previously which became very worrisome for me. I wanted to leave her as time had run it's course but before I could her estranged mother died and she took a load of pills in response. I had to clean up that mess and it had me on the verge of a breakdown as I so did not want to be with her. Anyway, a year later she seemed much stronger so I split up with her. On new years eve she texted me and wished me a happy new year. 2nd Jan came and I got a call from her asking me to bring her home from hospital. Her arms were bandaged up. You can guess what had happened. I brought her home and discovered her bedroom was covered in blood, the ceiling, floor, all the walls and the bed ware soaked in it. The next two months I had to watch her, even though I ws not her boyfriend any longer. In the end she got some professional counselling and eventually got over her problems and hasn't looked back since.

OP - Make sure you make a clean break swiftly. No time is a good time but you have to look after number 1 before you get in even deeper.

ianmc38

f®eak s&#169 wrote: »

Dump her, and cut off all ties if she reacts hostile.

Her problems are her problems, not yours.

A man with a sensitive side.

sachamama

i became very dependant on a boyfriend once, but i wasnt suicidal. he loved me and wishes now that he was mature enough at the time to have helped me deal with the problems i was having. instead, he ran away, and regretted it for years afterwards.

Nobody has asked you if you still love her.
Do you?
because you still could love her even if you dont want to be with her anymore.
If you do still love her, and just dont love her problems, then therapy together would be ideal. dont shanghai her into it. tell her you are having problems with the relationship and think you both should sort them out together.

if its been over a year the wound, though still open, is not raw. you should be able to hold her attention for long enough to get through to her. you are just as important a person as she is in the relationship and she cant see that. she needs to see it.

If you dont love her, she is becoming a noose around your neck and you could grow to hate her. thats dangerous for you, and for her.

Do something about it now, rather than later,
walk in beauty.

Victor

whattodo_ wrote:

.... has taken to relying on me and basically her life revolves around me, and this has led to me having no freedom whatsoever, when im not working or sleeping, im with her, and for the past couple of months i havent been sleeping properly, which is only making things worse too. (i know this is largely my fault for giving in to her)

It sounds like you need to reclaim your own life. Set aside at least one day and one night a week, where you can do your thing, without her. It would be good for both of you.

Ive asked her to see a counsellor/psychiatrist but she wont and she feels im the only one she can talk to

Is she seeing anyone at all? I think its time for an ultimatum. She can start with her GP.

LegacyUser

sachamama: its nice to have a female opinion on this too, you asked do i still love her... and i guess i cant say definitely yes or no, but i do know that my answer would lean more towards no, i did love her, but i just dont feel the way i used to

~peaceofmind~ : sorry to hear that you went through that, but at least it worked out alright in the end...i think your right, a clean break is best

Victor: ive tried the at least one night a week thing before, think it was actually two nights, it just didnt work, after a couple of weeks it was back to seeing eachother every night, which was probably my own fault, but its hard to ignore someone who is crying down the phone to you because they had a major fight with someone in their family

Ikky Poo2, b3t4: to be honest i dont think i need counseling myself, i do feel stressed by whats going on but i can manage that on my own, ive offered before to go with her if she would go, but she didnt want to... she's talked to her gp, but that was a long time ago and she didnt really tell much and also its gotten worse since then

Seraphina: i do give in too easily, and i know this has made the situation worse rather than better, if i could turn back time i would have gotten out a long time ago, but its too late for that now.

I reckon a clean break is necessary and i hope she realises how dependant on me she has become and that there are so many other people in her life, she just needs to open her eyes and see it for herself, i think if she improves her relationship with her friends and family then it will be much better for her and she will not feel so depressed.

LegacyUser

i think for your sake and also for the girls sake you need to end this. Its doing you no good being depended on like this and she is never going to get any better while she has you to lean on, you said yourself that she has you she doesnt need anyone else. It may sound harsh but if you leave her it may force her to get the professional help she needs. her threats of sucide are most likely threats,there is a big difference between sucidal intent and sucicidal obsession (i know obsession sounds harsh but thats the medical term for it according to my doc)
I hope you resolve this, its not a nice situation for anyone to be in.

Untense

OP, You are right in your choices. She needs to help herself.

This thread has touched a nerve with me as I was in a similar situation to yourself.

Can I just suggest that you be very clear as to why you're breaking up with her?
It's important she realise that it's not her that was the problem, but her issues themselves. Hope all works out well for you, and her.

[Jackass]

I have a friend who is exactly the same, she hangs out with her boyfriend every waking second she isn't in work...she gets him to meet her straight after work, walk her home, they hang out there, might go out and do something, then he drops her home, she goes to bed, only to do it all over again the next day. And the only time she's not with him (work) she never stfu talking about him!! wreck....my....head....please....

I don't know the guy well, but he seems like a bit of a soft touch and she does the exact same stuff your g/f does...sometimes we get the impression he's sick of it and I can't even imagine what would happen if he dumped her! She never sees any of her friends or anything, so without him she'd have nothing, and she's only really friends with one girl in work...

I dunno man, it seems like if you're going to do this, it's got to be short, sharp and to the point. Don't give her a oppertunity to get her shpial on about killing herself and removed yourself from the situation (have an escape plan ) .... turn your phone off...and leave it off (new sim card tbh).

Get your family to be on stalker alert and i she calls to say you're out (or the people you live with get them to say you moved out.)

After that, in time you'll be in the clear (and I very much doubt she'd actually do anything to herself, she just seems like a emotional bully, and a drama queen)

AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON THE SOLES OF THOSE PEOPLE SHE WORKS WITH/ SPENDS HER DAY AROUND!!!

I just hope you're not the same dude going out with the girl I know in work...

Victor McDade

Mate, i think you need to talk to a professional yourself, even your GP. If she really is suicidal then you need the best help you can get, and it wont come from a website.

Saintly

A few things - first off, be honest with her. Clearly, you want to end this relationship. You seem pretty clear about this, so you need to sit down and tell her the truth - that you want out of this relationship, end of story. Don't allow yourself be distracted by other issues.

Secondly, address your concerns regarding her mental health. Any mention of suicide should be taken seriously and there are well established assessment models which can determine the seriousness of intent. There are a few key steps to take. First off, encourage her to visit a G.P., offer to accompany her, if this would help - as a friend.

If she refuses, speak strongly to her family and friends, advise them of your worries in clear plain English - 'She told me she wants to kill herself' Let them know that you need to take a step back and that you are essentially entrusting her to them.

The good news is that suicide intervention techniques are proving successful. There are a growing number of supports available in the community and this girl and her family can avail of them. One way or another, you would not be the best person to guide her through your break up and the emotional consequences for obvious reasons - end it, resource her as much as possible and bow out.

BTW, the HSE have imported an excellent (and free) suicide intervention workshop called 'ASIST' - it is targets everyone, professionals and community members. Everyone could potentially have someone in their lives with suicidal thoughts, this workshop gives you all the skills you would need to identify someone at risk and assist them in the short term.

Saintly

Kell

whattodo_ wrote:

Right... i really dont know what to do, im stuck in a long term relationship that i dont feel i want to be in anymore.

OK. This might sound a little harsh and a bit too straightforward to swallow easily.

This is what you do- Dump her. Delete her number from your phone. Never reply to emails/texts etc. Treat her the same way you would dumping anyone else.

You dont have to carry responsibility for what someone does when you leave them. In fact you dont carry responsibility for them when you are with them. Stupid people will attempt to tell you that you are a b*stid for dumping her when she needed you most. Fúck them. People who lean on you as a crutch dont have the resources to realise what it is they are doing to you and how much they are fúcking with your head. Put yourself first. You werent put here to be someone elses emotional crutch. Thats their own job.

Dont be hard on yourself either. The decision is made as far as I can see. Just go and do it and dont carry any guilt around. No point in you getting depressed over it too is there?

The delete her number and not reply to communicae thing is a pre-emptive move against her turning completely fúcking psycho, which she more than likely will. You will go from being the nicest most wonderful person in the world in her eyes, to being the biggest cúnt god put in shoe leather as soon as you stop being as nice and dependable as you were.

It wont be pretty- just do it.

K-

Victor

Harsh, Kell, harsh.

Nevyn

Tis true Victor.
If someone one is hitting rock bottom and you are the only thing that is stopping them from doing so and getting the help that they need then,
you have to walk away cleanly and give them the time and space to sort them and their life out.