Intimacy Problem.

LegacyUser

Hey guys, I have a problem that I would like to get a bit of feedback from people. Im 21 male and I have been in love with girl I have known since we were 14. We were friends at first and lived in different parts of the country. Well anyway recently she kissed me and we have been going out on steady dates for a while now. I'm over the moon and afraid I will mess things up. My real problems is this. Its kinda hard to say this well anyway, when I was 7/8 years old things of a sexual nature happened to me that I was too young to understand. Nothing too horrific but very unsettling none the less. This left me very confused, frustrated , angry and vulnerable during my early adolescent years and I still feel the effects of what happened now. However I am coming to terms with what happened and am determined to move on.
Ok so where do we start. As a result of what happened when I was younger I've become very hung up over the issue of intimacy.When alot of guys my age were all gung ho to loose their virginities as soon as possible I wasnt really into that. Don't get me wrong I want to have sex I just didnt think I could lay with anyone I picked up in a nightclub while drunk. I guess I wanted to be with someone who I cared about. I would consider myself a virgin no matter what happened before. Well as my relationship with my girl progresses and she feels comfortable enough to get more intimate with me I feel very anxious for a number of reasons. First there is the obvious issue of my first introduction to the world of things of a sexual nature being so ****ed up and coming to terms with that, secondly I am anxious about having sex for the first time as alot of people can imagine, and third and most important to me is making my girl happy (sexually I mean). She had been in a long term relationship before we were going out and I presume she is for more sexually experienced than me and I dont want to disappoint her.
So I guess what I'm asking is should I open myself up to her? Or should I bottle it up and hope for the best? I really want to be honest with her but I'm very scared of frightening her off. I dont want her to think I'm broken goods or something. Part of me wants her to keep seeing this confident, funny, good looking(I'm not trying to be big headed here) guy, but another part of me wants to open up to her and show this slightly scuffed, vulnerable part of me. Its like if she can accept this part of me then anything else I'll ever have to tell her will be a cake walk. Maybe I'm being overdramatic but this is very important to me and I have been thinking about this for a while now and well I hope someone here can give me some feedback. I love this girl and I really dont want to **** it up.

man , i'm sorry to hear about what happened in this past but it sounds like to need to take control over your fears and stop what happened to you in the past change the future you'll regret it more otheriwse
i advise talking to the girl about what happened and explain you need more/time to get intimate with her, if things are serious with her she'l be glad you shared and if things last it will probably come out anyway
best of luck

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

You need to be honest. Firstly, because she'll apprecaiate it and it's very unlikley she'll turn her back on you or do anything to hurt you (and if she does, you're better off without her). Secondly, most women can spot bull**** a mile off. Try to bottle it up and she'll sense it. And not knowing what it is or why you feel you can't talk to her about it may well put up barriers.

Some women tend to like a bit of vulnerability. Especially if you can not get too hung up about it (difficult, I know) and still maintain the friendly, witty exterior. In fact, she'll probably appreciate you more.

You don't have to go into your past, if you don't want to. Not yet, anyway. If she's worthwhile she'll accpet that it's there and wait until you're ready to talk about it.

Hope all goes well,

P.

AngryBadger

I think you need to address your intimacy issues on your own before you bring your girlfriend into them.

It sounds like you're only going out with her a short time, but you think she's the solution to a problem you've had for years. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not belittling your issues with intimacy at all. But I am pointing out that if you enter into a serious relationship with this girl, and you tell her everything, you are putting a huge pressure on her, and on the relationship that it may not be able to sustain.

I'd suggest talking to a professional on your own first. When you've had a chance to sort your own head out, then think about having a talk with your girlfriend.

Santa Claus

As others have said, talk to her (go into as much or as little detail as you feel comfortable telling her).
As a friend of 7 years I'd imagine she will be there for you and try to help.

Talking to a professional about it would also be good to help yourself. As you might still be a student and counsellors are fairly pricey I'd suggest contacting this group http://www.oneinfour.ie

As for fears about the first time, that happens everyone...she was a virgin once too (for all you know she may still be) !

LegacyUser

I think you may have touched on something Angrybadger, I really dont want to put pressure on this girl but I also feel this is a very important part of my development as a person. I also feel I need to share this with her. You're right we havnt been going out that long, however I have know her for years as a close friend which is different I know but its not like I'm just dating this girl from scratch.

Nevyn

Yes, but she is not going to be just your friend any more.
A one to one , romanitic relationship has a cery differnt dynamic, pressures and
expectations.
Telling her about it is one thing, expecting her to fix the situation and to fix you is a terrible thing to expect of a person.
Get yourself some proper professional help and start the process of dealing with what happened and how it is effecting you.
I am sure that your friend/gf will be suportive of you, but you are the only on
who can sort you out with the right help.

LegacyUser

I dont expect her to fix me.

Sleepy

She's been your friend for 7 years. I'm sure you can tell her this without freaking her out.

My first proper relationship was with a girl who was a lot more experienced than me. Although I wasn't a virgin,I wasn't far from it. Far from being put off by this, she seemed to get off on 'teaching' me. From doing this myself at a later point in my life and others I've talked to, I think most people are the same. It's an incredible honour to be someone's 'first' and the feeling you get from it can more than make up for an initial lack of technique on your partner's behalf.

Being friends with someone first is the best basis for any relationship. I'm sure you'll be fine!

Mr Picky

tell her mate.
if she's a decent woman she'll value your honesty and the trust in her that you revelation implies and (hopefully) this will...
1) bring you closer; &
2) help you put your experience to rest and move on to enjoy a lovely life.
Best of luck to you. :-)

Hermione*

(hugs) Firstly, I'm sorry that happened to you.
I would advise you to speak to somebody about it seperately to deal with it as an issue on its own, as well as something affecting your relationship. Either a professional, or a priest/ college chaplain/ similar, somebody impartial with whom you can be open and whom you trust.

If this girl is worth it, she'll accept you as you are. Your past experiences are not something you can be blamed for. She's been your friend for seven years, I'm sure she'll understand the trust you're showing in her by telling her something so huge.

God bless.

Asiaprod

Thaedydal wrote:

Yes, but she is not going to be just your friend any more.
A one to one , romanitic relationship has a cery differnt dynamic, pressures and
expectations.

I am sure that your friend/gf will be suportive of you, but you are the only on
who can sort you out with the right help.

I have to agree throughly with Thaedydal on these two points. I believe that you need to start the healing process off first yourself. This is something in your life that you are going to fix. Far better to explain to your love that you had a problem in the past, but that you are already receiving help with it, than to just land the problem on her.
Since we do not know what the problem is, and you should not discuss that bit here, you might find with the proper help that your own mind has turned this past experience into a bigger issue than it should be. We do do that you know, I do.
Imagine if you could shake this off without ever having to tell your lady.
Would it not be well worth trying?

spiritboy

QUOTE=Asiaprod]I have to agree throughly with Thaedydal on these two points. I believe that you need to start the healing process off first yourself. This is something in your life that you are going to fix. Far better to explain to your love that you had a problem in the past, but that you are already receiving help with it, than to just land the problem on her.

Would it not be well worth trying?[/QUOTE]


first off I’m heartfully sorry that you have had to go through what you did.

as asiaprod and Thaedydal have said you do need the start the healing process from within.

You say you know this girl 7 years or so, I assume that she is completely unaware of what happened to you as a child. But then if you live so far apart and have remained friends for so long and have now begun to take the next step as it where then I think that yeah you should tell her. but not the big bombshell in the lap sort of way. As the others have said try seek some help. Maybe not a councillor or anything, possibly one of the peer groups or if you as so inclined a minister of your faith. But remember that ultimately the answer to your problem is inside you.

I have to admire you and respect you for not being one of those guys that just picks up any yoke in a bar to get his end away I really do. My first time was when I was 20, most of my friends long before that. But it never bothered me and to be honest I doubt it will bother this girl. From my experience the girl in question was honoured to be my first, and I remember her asking “are you sure you want to do this? Coz we only just met” and when the table was turned I did exactly the same thing to a girl I ended up with for a long time when we first started being intimate. So I doubt this woman will have a problem. And if she does then she isn’t the person you thought she was.

You say you’re afraid you will not make her sexually happy, I’ve just started a relationship with a wonderful woman and I too feel that way. But then in any new relationship you will feel that way no matter if it’s your first or hundredth and first. Why? Because what did it for one woman doesn’t for another. And example if I may. One of my previous girlfriends did not like to be on top, she said it hurt her too much another loved it. Another did not particularly like receiving oral sex. Why? Because she said she couldn’t kiss me after I had done that unless I went and washed my mouth out and brushed my teeth. My current girlfriend loves it. Some like it rough others don’t and so on. What you have in front of you is a clean slate so to you everything is good and a new experience so enjoy it and embrace it. You’ve lots of good times ahead ;-) and as for the girl well like others have said she may get a kick out of being the teacher, hell get her to dress up like one if it does it for her.

Think if you will to the future. 4 - 5 years down the line and you eventually feel that you can now tell this woman your past. One of two things will happen. The first is the worst case, that she will feel that you kept something from her and if you have kept that from her what else are you hiding. The second is that like most good honest people will do is she will feel your pain as others on here have done. Will she think you are damaged goods? I doubt it very much but again if she does you’re best shot of her anyway.

My best advice is you’re starting down the path of a new relationship. Your friendship has lasted 7 years so is stringer than most. You have been there for each other through the hardest years of your lives so far so just remember that. one thing I must point out is that before ant healing can start you must remember that no matter what has happened, it wasn’t your fault. You where innocent of it all and still are. And if you do go to talk to someone remember to let it all out because they have probably heard it all before so it wont shock them. But once this burden is lifted from your shoulders your spirit will be free and you can enjoy life. Again as aisaprod said for now probably best not to say anything, but at some point tell her. She will know you are keeping things in. women always do. Even just tell her that you want to tell her but don’t know how yet if she starts to prod.

king_of_inismac

First of all, well done for asking for help/advice.

Count yourself very lucky for finding a girl you can trust to have your first sexual experience with.

EVERYONE gets nervous the first time, but that just makes it special. You must understand that she'll be equally as nervous as you, even if she has been with someone else before...

Think of it this way, things are going well with this girl, and over the course of your relationship, you'll have sex loads. The first time is just one of these times, albeit the most nerve-wreaking, but do treasure it, it's special.

Sex doesn't make a relationship, you have that already, it just adds to it. So take your time, talk to her. Take things slowly, and even if its not totally perfect the first time, its only an excuse to practice ;-)

Anyway, best of luck, and remember sex is fun!