Party

Night_Rocker

“PLEASE, PLEASE---!”
The music is too loud,
Could you please turn it down?
I’m trying to tell her I love her
And she can’t hear a sound!
More drink for the king!
For the time has come for that,
To talk of many things!
Could you, could you, could you---?
The time has come for a sing!
Could we talk outside,
Because I can’t hear a thing!
I go for a kiss
Come close, but miss!
On my back I fall flat!
All for a friendly pat on the back!
“Tonight’s not your night!
I SAID, TONIGHT’S NOT YOUR NIGHT!”
Can we please turn it down?
Because I’m spending another night alone
As I’ve just been shot down!
How should I presume?
I hope this night ends soon!
Because there’s too much drink for the king
And they’ve all begun to sing!
But I can’t join in
Because I’ve to think of many things!
Of life and death and how I should begin!
And while they all sing
She wonders if it is worth it to be alone
Rather than to sin!
“T. S. ELIOT IS WHAT I AM QUOTING,
DO YOU KNOW OF HIM?”
Can we please turn it down?
Because I don’t know if you care or noticed,
But I’ve been sorely shot down!
!!!
“BECAUSE, BECAUSE, BECAUSE---”
It’s too loud in here!
“I’VE NEVER HEARD OF HIM!
IS HE, LIKE, A SINGER?”
Are you, too, like me alone?
And do you sit at home
Reading passages and poems?
Of queens and kings and better things!
Of hospitals and Rome!
And could we possibly have anything in common?
“THIS ONE’S RUN OUT! ROLL ANOTHER ONE!”
Could we listen to the same song and
Agree on things we like?
Could you come into my life
And point me homeward bound?
“CAN WE PLEASE TURN IT DOWN
BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO THINK ABOUT MY LOVE
AND WONDER IF SHE’S AROUND!”

Blush_01

I'm sorry, I haven't read it all, I will, but I couldn't at this hour of the morning. I got about half way through though.

I liked it, and I have a few initial suggestions. If you don't want any, don't read on!

I think it might be a good idea if you didn't force the rhyme so much in places. Organic rhyme is much healthier for you. So much less stressful! Also, the poem is very long as one unit... divisions might make it more easily digestible for readers... or just me.

Night_Rocker

Yeah i know! I'm actually thinkin of adding more and dividing it up alot!

And i'm not sure why i forced it to rhyme so much. I do that alot. It's annoying..

and the '!!!' part of the way through is kinda like a divider... kinda

Evin

I liked your poem - its just sounds genuine and interesting and not pretentious. technically it doesnt sound amazing but theres lots of good bits. 'more drink for the king' is a cool line and i like the second half where theres no shared interests. Its a good concept and you could make it really cool.

It reminds me of a written version of Diageo's 'dont see a great night wasted' ad too!

Good luck!

Outcast

I like it. I think it does a great job of pulling off a drunken flow of conciousness kind of vibe.