Ex back on the mind...WHY??

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
Just wondering has anyone ever thought they were over an ex, and for quite a while, only to start thinking of them constantly again for no apparent reason?

Suppose a bit of background wouldn't go astray. I was with this girl for the bones of 3 years really. First girl I ever really loved. Anyone before I might have thought I had for a while, but only after this girl does it fit into context that I hadn't. Basically we hit it off from the start and were like best mates as well as boyfriend and girlfriend. The whole relationship seemed to just get better and better all the time and we were so smitten with each other. We never fought or anything, we just got on. The closest to a fight would be argueing over whether such and such an album is good or bad for example and we'd end up joking about it in the end.

That is untill a year down the line and we were just back from our first holiday together which was fantastic. One night shortly after she just decided that she wanted a bit of a break, no real reason at all was given when I asked. She just wanted space for a while. So fair enough I gave it to her, wondering what the story was. Talked to her a bit during this break, but not too much. Then 2 weeks later she decided she wanted to get back together, she just had a few things in her head that she had to sort out. Fair enough I reckoned, everyone probably goes through a patch like that and I presumed all was fine again and whatever issues she had were sorted. Of course I was going to take her back I was mad in love with her.

Every thing is hunky dory after that, and for the next year everything seemed great again. We seemed to have a lot more "healthy" arguements and were always able to talk things out. There was never anything too serious anyway and our communication never seemed a probelm. Fast forward another year down the line. So after another great year with this girl who I was mad about and who said she was mad about me suddenly everything is gone pear shapped again. I had just finished my final college exams and she told me basically, "sorry it's over". At this time all her friends were pretty much single and enjoying themselves the whole time where as a lot of my friends seemed a bit more settled with boyfriends and girlfriends. She told me that she basically wasn't ready to settle sown so much. As we were together 2 years at this stage bar that 2 week break. BUT, she said she was still completly in love with me. But apparently all her friends had been at her asking as to why she's getting so settled etc. It's not like I didn't get on with her friends or they didn't like me, quite the opposite, but I guess their comments and thier single status just rubbed off on her.

This didnt make to much sense to me as it was completly out of the blue, although she was probably holding off a while till i finished my exams, but still. In my position I wouldn't have cared about friends single status or lack of, I wouldn't see any reason to break up with my partner as long as we were both happy and certainly if we were BOTH still in love with each other.

Sorry, I'm really dragging this out. I've you've read this far thanks for the patience, I think I just need to get it all off my chest or something. :-)

Ok so after that I had no other choice but to respect her decision, as much as I disagreed with it and I never asked/tried to get back with her. I went on my way about trying to get over her. I still stayed in touch and we tried to do the "friends" thing. Strange seeing as we were both still in love with each other. I saw her from time to time and it wasn't easy so basically I decided to go travelling for a while and try and get her out of my mind. I kept in touch with her with a couple of emails alright but not much more. So go forward 5 months from the break up and a lot of effort trying to get over her in the mean time, the day after I come back from my travels and she wants to see me as soon as I get home.

Trying to keep it short but basically I met her and she ended up pleading with me for us to get back together. My initial gut reaction was to say no after all I went through getting my mind top the point where I was of being on the way to being over her. She told me how stupid she was to let me go in the first place and that she was happy back then. She was just listening to her friends and was starting to feel trapped in the relationship etc cos we were still young enough and she didn't think she should be so settled at that stage etc. etc. But that if we got back together she was more or less prepared to marry me i.e. she said that there's no way she'd ever dump me again and that how we panned out would all be down to wha ti wanted to do and that she wanted to take the risk of putting it all in my hands.

I eventually agreed to get back with her and we'd see how it went because even though I still loved her I wasn't sure if it was the best thing to do after all the getting over her I'd done. So a rough few weeks followed while we were getting used to each other again put it all settled down again and we seemed to be as happy as ever if not happier. Go another 5 months down the line and surprise, surprise completley out of the blue again, I'm dumped. This time I didnt get any reason, just thats that.

Again we were doing the friends thing for about 9 months, probably more for my benefit than anything. It seemed as though there was no getting over her this time, I couldn't even get to the stage that I got to after my bit of travelling the first time round. That was at the 9 month after stage. So I decided I didn't want to be in contact with her for my sake to try and just get over her. That was 3 months ago and she was cool enough about it and understood. So since then I haven't been in touch bar 1 or 2 txts in the first couple of weeks. I really felt that I was starting to get somewhere and was moving on just before this and thought the no contact was going to be the final step I'd need to take.

Within a month it seemed to work. I hardly thought about her and felt a lot better. So for the last 2 months I've been grand and really thought I was finally over it, completly. Then all of a sudden the other day I just started thinking of her again and I nearly feel like I'm slipping back to square 1.

Can anyone tell me why I might have suddenly started thinking about her again and why is it getting to me so much. Nothing I can think of could really have triggered it, I haven't seen/spoken to her or anything or her friends, or gone to any of our old hangouts etc. I'm just confussed. Maybe is it a subconcious thing and I'm starting to miss having a girlfriend etc. I dunno. any ideas?

Doodee

TO be honest with you, your never going to forget that person, no matter how hard you try, it just happens.
However, before when u broke up, you did something to get her off your mind, however, when that ended you found yourself in a situation where you were forced to think of her. Now, your obsessing. I dont know about you, but i think of it a little like sleep. the harder you try to sleep the less likely you are to actually go to sleep, as soon as you become distracted, you can't even remember what you were thinking of before you nodded off.

My advice to you would simply be live your life, that includes your thoughts of her, and just let it slip away as the weeks go on. Think about your life, and not about her not in your life.

Hope it helps ya.

daRobot

It's a tough suitation to be in mate.

From what I see here, is you constantly returning to a person who has repeatedly dumped you.The dumping obviously causes you pain.

It increasingly hurts every time, but she "Fixes" the pain by taking you back, and even though you managed to block it out for a bit, it seems the pain has reached a plateau.

You're not back to square one, but i'd guess that you're missing that closeness, and maybe thinking subconsiously that due to your history with her, the kind of closeness you had with her, will be difficult to achive with a new person.

I suggest that you cut contact and start thinking of her in a negative light.Remember how much she's messed you around and hurt you.Remembering the good times in these types of suitations ain't helpful.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Hey man,
Been through a similiar situation 2 years ago now and I still think about her all the time, but it hasn't effected me in a negative way in a good while now apart from when I occasionally see her and for a while I slip back to square one. I wouldn't recommend you thinking about your ex in a negative way, its a bad idea you'll start to hate her, did that for a while to and to be honest it did more harm than good, just got very fustrated.

Take your time to get over her, you were in a long term relationship and you loved her, its going to take a while for her not to effect your life but trust me, you will get over her. Just don't be surprised if every now and again you slip back a bit. Go out meet new people, get involved with new stuff and life your life. Best of luck man.

metrovelvet

Read CUTTING THE TIES THAT BIND. And do what it tells you.

Tim06

mate same sort of thing happened to me a few years ago. as the previous posters say you aren't going to forget about her. she was a major part of your life for 5+ years, things do get easier you'll meet someone else eventually and hopefully have happy memories about this relationship. I do think that you made the right decision in breaking contact. Its not easy at all but it does make it somewhat easier in the long run to get over her

Borat_Sagdiyev

Thats a rough situation to be in mate, I know how you feel.

As a previous poster said, don't bother trying not to think of her. My advice is to go and live life. The more you're busy doing things, the less time you'll have to think of her.

As a (female) mate of mine says, "The best way to get over the last one, is to get under the next one!"

Morrigan

My heart goes out ot you, it really does....

Maybe the fact that she came back into your life last time when you were feeling good made you think of her once you reached a stable place again... subconciously expecting her to come back...?

whacker4fun

its your 1st proper love man,you will always think of her from time to time even sometimes for weeks on end..........its happens to all of us.its a bit ****ty really

gonementhol

My God man, I practically could have written that post myself. I know exactly how ya feel. It seems to be like a mirror image of what I've been/am going through. Like some of the others said, I reckon there's no point trying to forget because you can't choose what you remember or not. You're just going to remember everything. The only thing that changes is how often you think of it. I reckon the out of sight out of mind principle is the way to go. I helped in my case, but you'll always catch yourself thinking back every now and again. But there's not much you can do about it. All you can do is try and fill your mind with other distractions, be it hobbies or friends or find someone new. Although you can't choose when to find someone, I reckon it's just one of those things that will happen when it happens. There's def no point in hooking up with someone just for the sake of it either as a replacement. It'll never be what you want. Besides that I dunno what to say. Just give it time, unfortunatley we never no just how much time it will take.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses guys. It's really nice to get some feedback.

daRobot wrote:

You're not back to square one, but i'd guess that you're missing that closeness, and maybe thinking subconsiously that due to your history with her, the kind of closeness you had with her, will be difficult to achive with a new person.

I suggest that you cut contact and start thinking of her in a negative light.Remember how much she's messed you around and hurt you.Remembering the good times in these types of suitations ain't helpful.

Good luck

I think you have a bit of a point there daRobot, sometimes I do find it hard to imagine that I could have the same with someone else as I had with this girl. But then I always take a step back, think logically and realise 1000's of people everywhere find new love everyday. It just seems like a lost cause sometimes when you let yourself get too caught up emotionally. I don't believe there is a single ONE for everyone, although she was the one for that time.
Also I did try do think of her in a negative light for a while, and sometimes I still do. I used to get angry over the whole situation and blame her. Not that I ever told this to her as it's not going to do either of us any good. In the end I began to think that the angry approach was just getting me more depressed so I try not to go there. It is hard to sometimes because I was good to her and can't help feeling hard done by most of the time, especially as it was her begging me to take her back the last time. It was me taking the gamble and believing her promise.

beenthruthat wrote:

Take your time to get over her, you were in a long term relationship and you loved her, its going to take a while for her not to effect your life but trust me, you will get over her. Just don't be surprised if every now and again you slip back a bit. Go out meet new people, get involved with new stuff and life your life. Best of luck man.

beenthruthat, I also agree with you on this. I have had little 'slips' for the last long time, but for some reason the last few days seems to be more than one of them. It really does feel like I have accomplished nothing in the last year at the moment. I don't know why this slip is such a big one.

Morrigan wrote:

Maybe the fact that she came back into your life last time when you were feeling good made you think of her once you reached a stable place again... subconciously expecting her to come back...?

Morrigan, maybe this is the reason. But if it is, it REALLY REALLY must be some subconscious thing.

[QUOTE=gonementhol I reckon there's no point trying to forget because you can't choose what you remember or not. You're just going to remember everything. The only thing that changes is how often you think of it.

All you can do is try and fill your mind with other distractions, be it hobbies or friends or find someone new. Although you can't choose when to find someone, I reckon it's just one of those things that will happen when it happens. There's def no point in hooking up with someone just for the sake of it either as a replacement. It'll never be what you want. [/QUOTE]

gonementhol, I tend to agree also that you can't decide what you remember and what you forget. Otherwise wouldn't so many things in life be so much easier. The frequency of the thoughts is the only thing you can try and work on and like you and the other's said, distractions help.

I also think you're right about not starting a relationship with anyone new just to fight off the lonely feelings. It would only be doomed from the start if that was the case. I am open to a new relationship now though and I do think it would be good for me. But I don't want to do anything unless it's the right person and I feel like a proper relationship could actually grow out of it if you follow me.

This isn't helped by my current situation in the sense that I don't often meet many new people. So if I've already decided that there isn't much chance of a decent relationship with anyone I know now, I have to do something about finding new people.

Perhaps this should be the start of a different thread... but how do you guys find you usually meet new people. I'm not particular shy nor reclusive. I go out with my friends every week and I don't mind approaching girls for the most part. However, I don't find I do it very often for the simple reason that it seems so hard to strike up conversation with people in clubs or pubs for exaple these days. It just seems people aren't as approachable for the most part or the music is simply too loud to have a conversation! Probably sounds silly, and I'm probably going to the wrong places. So I guess I'm wondering where the rest of you find yourself meeting new people.

frobisher

Many, many people have been in this incredibly difficult situation. If I told you how much I think of my ex after 3 years you'd think I was mental!

To be really honest, a parting like this from someone you love so much is alot like a bereavement. We never get over it but you learn to live with it and as time goes by you get stronger and really do learn about yourself and the nature and value of love.

I think the feelings you describe are a rite of passage for everyone. We all have to go through it. Some of us several times and some of us late in life. One thing is certain, you will feel better and one day you will meet someone else and be incredibly glad that this whole thing as happened. Trust me, I've been there! Until then just follow frobisher's secret guide to happiness: Do what makes you smile!

Best of luck!

quad_red

that man.

It is a rite of passage and something we all are faced with at some point. You ain't mental or mad or silly. It's something you can't just 'get over'. It's a natural process with a pace of its own.

What I will say is appreciate all you have now. Personally, I think you're better off without her.

This is just a rough patch, a retrospective moment. Don't freak out or think you're going backwards - You're not. It happens to the best of us. Just realise that ye are not together for a reason. If things are meant to be they will happen. Yourself and this girl were NOT meant to happen.

And that frees you up to find a girl who you'll have a more stable relationship with and, I would bet, that you'll end up loving her in a way that'll make your past loves seem like youthful thinking.

oulu

your biggest mistake is always been available when she comes a running, she knows that you are always there MR nice guy waiting like the faithful puppy, we all had crushes and by christ they hurt and **** up your head , but you must believe there is someone better than her for you and you wont find her while your heart pines for this heartbreaker of a girl, you will meet the right girl and when you do this other girl will begin to slip from you mind that of course is saying that this heartbreaker is not the one for you, maybe she is the one for you but you are not the one for her hard I know but as I always say play it by ear, and when you least expect it bang there she goes this new wonderful woman who lights up all your dark days comes to you and loves you forever and ever amen