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Abortion, can't get past it!!!

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  • 22-03-2006 4:23pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Ill try make it short and sweet (as possible anyway)...if anyone else has been in a similar situation I'd appreciate your views...

    I'm going out with my boyfriend for the past year, when we were together about 4 months he told me that when he was in college his girlfriend got pregnant and she had an abortion. Im totally against abortion, and was pretty shocked when he told me. I tried to get it out of my head, but the fact that he had agreed to it, I honestly thought he was as much against it as I was, he said it wasn't the right time etc etc..no excuse in my opinion!!!
    Anyway, after a while he told me that this girl had slept with someone else around the time that she got pg and he didn't even know if it had been his... All the same he went with her to England to have it done and stayed with her after that aswell.....During the summer one day we were just sitting around and he turned around to me and said, todays the anniversary of the day me &
    went to England for her to have the abortion - I was not only stunned but sick to my stomach...Am i totally overreacting or was this a fairly horrible thing to tell me!? He knows how I feel about it!! And he knows how I feel about her, the mere mention of her name puts me in bad form now!
    I saw this girl for the 1st time a while ago and she totally went out of her way to come over and talk to my bf and completely ignored me, even after being introduced to me!! And every time she sees him on his own now she tries it on with him, she has even asked his friends for his phone number!!!
    I'm not usually an insecure person but it just feels like they have a more intimate past with everything they went through together, I can't help but think they'll always have something!!!
    Please someone help me, even if its just to tell me to cop on, I cant talk to my friends as I wouldn't break my bfs trust and speak about his past!
    Thanks...


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    #2
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Friedbrain wrote:
    but it just feels like they have a more intimate past with everything they went through together, I can't help but think they'll always have something!!!

    this thread title is misleading imo, from what you say above you are more bothered about this girl than the fact that she has had an abortion.
    The fact that she did have one is none of your business.
    If you cannot handle the fact that your b/f was ok with it then perhaps he's not the man for you.
    All of us have had ex's and all of these ex's have been intimate, I'd suggest you get over it like the rest of us or move on.


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    #3
    tabatha
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,078 ✭✭✭tabatha


    i second that!


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'm sorry I know the post is a bit jumbled, I do have a problem with the girl purely because of the way she carries on to my b/f!! She acts as if butter wouldn't melt and has said some pretty awfull things about me aswell which I can't understand as who the hell is she to talk?
    I know its none of my business that she had an abortion, I didnt say it was, I was saying I didn't agree with it and couldn't get over the fact that my bf supported someone in having an abortion who was carrying his baby!!
    Look Ill leave it at that, i can see where the title may be misleading etc.


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    #5
    Angels
    Closed Accounts Posts: 440 ✭✭Angels


    I agree with Beruthiel. I was on the understanding from reading the title that you had an aborotion & couldn't get past it. Not your boyfriends ex.

    That must have been a hard decision for her to make & she may feel close to your boyfriend cause he was there for her.

    Fair enough if your against it thats an opinion, this ex of your boyf had to make a tough decision. You just don't go & get pregnant & then say im off to have an abortion.

    Try to be sensitive about it.


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    #6
    the Guru
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,362 ✭✭✭the Guru


    That last post is deleted now, I see. Very clever, im surpised they're not banned


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    #7
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Friedbrain wrote:
    I was saying I didn't agree with it and couldn't get over the fact that my bf supported someone in having an abortion who was carrying his baby!!.

    again
    if you cannot handle that fact, then he is not the man for you.


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Maybe you are right! Sorry I won't take any more of your time. I appreciate the replys all the same.


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Well both you and Beruthiel, I'm selfish and I should try and understand! I'm probably a lot more insecure about everything than I realise. Maybe he's not the one for me if I can't get past this.


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    #10
    Cnoc16
    Closed Accounts Posts: 50 ✭✭Cnoc16


    I would agree that he is not the man for you, but for different reasons.

    I, like you, completely disagree with abortion, and would find it very hard to be with someone who agrees with it. In my opinoin, he went along with what he believed to be his unborn child being destroyed, and I would not want to be with someone like that. - But that is just my own personal view

    Before this gets thread gets out of control, like this topic always does, the rights/wrongs of abortion argument need not come into this. You already know how you feel on the issue. The fact of the matter is that he agrees with something you feel very strongly about, and you must make up your mind if you are ok with that, otherwise it wont work out.


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    #11
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    the Guru wrote:
    That last post is deleted now, I see. Very clever, im surpised they're not banned

    keep it on topic.
    he has been banned :rolleyes:


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    #12
    Going Demented
    Registered Users Posts: 405 ✭✭Going Demented


    I agree with Beruthiel.

    It is none of your business that this girl had an abortion. Whether you agree with it or not does not matter. This is her and your boyfriends past. I'm sure it was a difficult time and a difficult decision. It has nothing to do with you or your relationship. If you feel it is an issue for your relationship, get out. We all have our pasts, our own experiences. If its an issue your boyfriend supported his ex girlfrield in a decision then your relationship is doomed IMO.


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Cnoc16 - I have to say thanks ver much for your reply.,I do appreciate it as I do all the replies!
    And another thing Im definatley not trying to start into a discussion on abortion....too many of thos already!


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    #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Goin Demented - I dont think its very nice to say our relationship is doomed! I do realise that I prob have things to sort in my head but thats a bit harsh!


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    #15
    BeardyGit
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,946 ✭✭✭BeardyGit


    Friedbrain wrote:
    .....During the summer one day we were just sitting around and he turned around to me and said, todays the anniversary of the day me &
    went to England for her to have the abortion - I was not only stunned but sick to my stomach...Am i totally overreacting or was this a fairly horrible thing to tell me!? He knows how I feel about it!! And he knows how I feel about her, the mere mention of her name puts me in bad form now!
    ..........
    Please someone help me, even if its just to tell me to cop on, I cant talk to my friends as I wouldn't break my bfs trust and speak about his past!
    Thanks...

    I doubt he sat there with a big grin on his face.

    I'm in a situation similar in some respects to your boyfriend. I was in a long term relationship (4 years) and my girlfriend became pregnant and had a termination. Unfortunately I wasn't told until a few days after it had taken place. Without a doubt I can say that this was the most traumatic experience in my life.....And I guess it must have been for her too. While this swiftly saw an end to an otherwise wonderful relationship, the remorse we shared (albeit for vastly different reasons) is something that will never really leave. Like it or not, it's a cruel bond between us.

    Years have since passed and although the feelings surrounding these events have largely passed, there are times when I think about it and it becomes difficult to go about my day with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. At these times I have nobody to talk to about this as it's always been a well kept secret from our families and friends. On the one or two occasions when each of us have reached breaking point we turn to each other as nobody elses shoulder is big enough to soak up our tears.

    Your boyfriend travelled over the water at the time to support his girlfriend but this doesn't mean he agreed with her decision. All it means is that he was with her to provide support that she needed at that time. This is something that will likely return to 'haunt' him and while he may just mention it in passing, you can bet that inside he's really aching. A quick mention on the anniversary sounds to me like he wanted to acknowledge what happened and maybe have a chat with someone who'd help him feel better/okay about it.

    I'm not saying you should council him - You're obviously too opposed to the 'deed' in which he indirectly played a part. But perhaps instead of reacting by confusing her ignorance on a night out with his feelings and bottled thought about this, you could urge him to speak with someone who can lend a sympathetic and understanding ear. Believe me, I had nothing to do with my ex' termination, but guilt and remorse still get the better of me from time to time......Far too many "what if" scenarios.

    Gil


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    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Gil_Dub - I have to say that your response has been enlightening to me! I could never really undersand it all but to hear it from someone unconnected to me makes it a bit clearer. The day he spoke of the anniversary I didn't go mad or make an issue of it, to be honest I never have other than in my own head, I just listened and let him talk about it, even though it hurt to listen to it! You're right he didn't sit there with a smile on his face, he actually looked like he was hurting! I dont want to be his shoulder to cry on in this instance, as I don't feel I am the right person for him to be talking to about this, but hopefully I'll eventually get over my hang ups on the whole situation!


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    #17
    ferdi
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,598 ✭✭✭ferdi


    OP, you and your fella obviously have very different outlooks on whats right and wrong. many couples can work and see past such differences but i'd presume there is a lot of work and compromise behind that.


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    #18
    Battlesnake
    Registered Users Posts: 96 ✭✭Battlesnake


    you are more bothered about this girl than the fact that she has had an abortion

    I totally agree with this. From what you're saying the main problem is the history your bf and his ex have and also the percieved threat that she is. I had a similar situation to deal with (although nothing to do with abortion). A now ex bf of mine told me something that I didn't need to know about himself and a close friend. She was his best mates gf, I didn't take to her and disliked her from the start. However when he told me about something happening/almost happening with her, prior to our being together and whilst she was still with his friend - I was instantly passionately against the woman. My moral code doesn't think cheating whilst in a serious relationship is acceptable. My point is that my initial dislike was compounded by her past intimacy and my bf's ready acceptance of her company, thus making me feel insecure, something which I too wasn't used to.

    You didn't like her to begin with, who in this world is comfortable with their lover's ex? The fact that she has done something you completely disagree with, gives you the chance to hate her even more and fixate on that rather than face the undercurrent of what is really going on. You have to ask yourself. . . Can you trust your bf? Can you be with someone who isn't completely of the same opinion as you?

    I would say this. She cheated on him. You haven't. Who is higher in his estimation? Also he agreed to the abortion because he didn't want to have a child with this woman and obviously he couldn't trust her due to the doubt surrounding who the father was.

    Steer away from obsessing over this girl who has absolutely nothing to do with your relationship. Analyse what you're really feeling about him and why you have cause to feel insecure. Talk to him about it and explain how you're feeling - do be careful if mentioning the trip to England etc, from what you've said he still is a bit emotionally distraught about it. (Perhaps encourage him to offload a bit, put it in the past?). Here's a thought - Do you know if he has talked to anyone else about this? He confided in you because he felt he could trust you and was comfortable enough to talk about what is a very delicate subject. He didn't want to hide anything from you. If he wasn't intending on staying with you and being mr faithful and happy, why would he do this?

    I know now that my fixation, blaming everything on the girl - her being the cause of my paranoia- was unfounded. With hindsight I realise it was my gutt telling me that all was not well at the home camp. However my heart didn't want to listen and therefore diverted my feelings, which ultimately were nothing but trouble because they were flowing in the wrong direction.
    Listen to your gutt, tell your heart to have a cold shower, step back and see that you and he are exactly that - a couple - spring clean the nest and hopefully everything will be resolved. Communication is key.


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    #19
    ravenhead
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,001 ✭✭✭ravenhead


    I really don't think that this is any of your business to be honest, this is a very personal & private thing that your b/f went through with someone else who at the time he probably loved.


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    #20
    BeardyGit
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,946 ✭✭✭BeardyGit


    I'm sorry but I think it's quite fair to say it *is* her business to an extent. Her boyfriend told her about it, mentioned it again on the anniversary etc.

    If she'd been told by someone else then maybe it wouldn't be her business. But he has introduced this layer of complication to their relationship. She has every right to work this out in her own head now and by all means, mention it here anonymously for input from anyone who has something constructive to add.

    Whether anyone likes it or not, this is a difficult situation for all involved, the OP included. Moral convictions can't be overturned overnight and in this instance I'd say it's more about tempering your conviction with understanding of the situation in which both your boyfriend and his ex find themselves.

    Maybe they're both okay with it.....But I doubt it. If his ex is being a bit too clingy for your liking, you'll have to seperate it out from the abortion thing and deal with it as two seperate issues - One being her coming onto him, the other coming to terms with your boyfriends past experiences and how that either makes or breaks you as a couple. Either way, you can't get anywhere without talking to him about both.


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    #21
    NewOxfordReview
    Closed Accounts Posts: 76 ✭✭NewOxfordReview


    I think you should finish with him, or he should finish with you. I find it difficult to see how people on different sides of the abortion fence can go out with each other as people on different sides have very different outlooks on life.


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    #22
    ravenhead
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,001 ✭✭✭ravenhead


    Gil_Dub wrote:
    If his ex is being a bit too clingy for your liking, you'll have to seperate it out from the abortion thing and deal with it as two seperate issues - One being her coming onto him, the other coming to terms with your boyfriends past experiences and how that either makes or breaks you as a couple. Either way, you can't get anywhere without talking to him about both.

    Completely agree with this - I mean do you think that because he told you about his ex that maybe you might be reading a bit too much into the way she acts around him? Also you said that she doesn't really talk to you when she's talk to him, I get this too from one of my b/f's ex's.. I think its a good thing to be honest, I wouldn't like her trying to be friendly with me


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    #23
    rsynnott
    Registered Users Posts: 4,003 ✭✭✭rsynnott


    I think you may be over-reacting a bit. When it comes to it, he didn't NEED to agree with it; she could do it anyway.


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    #24
    mountainyman
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,268 ✭✭✭mountainyman


    NewOxfordReview wrote:
    I think you should finish with him, or he should finish with you. I find it difficult to see how people on different sides of the abortion fence can go out with each other as people on different sides have very different outlooks on life.

    There is no reason to finish with him.
    Talk to him about how you feel WITHOUT saying 'I don't understand how you could allow it' or whatever. Talk to him about how you feel about her and so on.
    TAlk about how it felt for him and his motivations (not a politico ethical discussion)
    NOT IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN GOING OUT FOR LONG.

    If you haven't been going out for long just suck it up or break up.

    MM


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    #25
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    It is a rough thing to have happen to anyone.
    If you can't or wont be supportive then I suggest that maybe you suggest to your bf that he seek couselling about it.


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    #26
    Boston
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,163 ✭✭✭✭Boston


    Friedbrain wrote:
    Ill try make it short and sweet (as possible anyway)...if anyone else has been in a similar situation I'd appreciate your views...

    I'm going out with my boyfriend for the past year, when we were together about 4 months he told me that when he was in college his girlfriend got pregnant and she had an abortion. Im totally against abortion, and was pretty shocked when he told me. I tried to get it out of my head, but the fact that he had agreed to it, I honestly thought he was as much against it as I was, he said it wasn't the right time etc etc..no excuse in my opinion!!!
    Anyway, after a while he told me that this girl had slept with someone else around the time that she got pg and he didn't even know if it had been his... All the same he went with her to England to have it done and stayed with her after that aswell.....During the summer one day we were just sitting around and he turned around to me and said, todays the anniversary of the day me &
    went to England for her to have the abortion - I was not only stunned but sick to my stomach...Am i totally overreacting or was this a fairly horrible thing to tell me!? He knows how I feel about it!! And he knows how I feel about her, the mere mention of her name puts me in bad form now!
    I saw this girl for the 1st time a while ago and she totally went out of her way to come over and talk to my bf and completely ignored me, even after being introduced to me!! And every time she sees him on his own now she tries it on with him, she has even asked his friends for his phone number!!!
    I'm not usually an insecure person but it just feels like they have a more intimate past with everything they went through together, I can't help but think they'll always have something!!!
    Please someone help me, even if its just to tell me to cop on, I cant talk to my friends as I wouldn't break my bfs trust and speak about his past!
    Thanks...

    You make it sound like he had the choice in this, or that he supported the abortion because he supported her. Things arn't that clear cut. Also what do you expect from the guy? He's never going to forget that abortion, and it will live with him, it's not something you can just put beyond you and move on because your new girlfriend wants you to. As for her, he was probably the only person who stood by her when she had the abortion, she's not likely to forget about that.


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    #27
    tk123
    Registered Users Posts: 14,032 ✭✭✭✭tk123


    He stood by this girl even thou he didn't agree with what she was doing - that's a good quality in my book....?!?


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    #28
    NewOxfordReview
    Closed Accounts Posts: 76 ✭✭NewOxfordReview


    Totally apart from rights and wrongs, how is that a good quality? I wouldn't stick by my friends if they were robbing banks. People should act on what they believe in or else they are weak.


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    #29
    rainbow kirby
    Moderators, Regional Abroad Moderators Posts: 26,928 Mod ✭✭✭✭rainbow kirby


    tk123 wrote:
    He stood by this girl even thou he didn't agree with what she was doing - that's a good quality in my book....?!?
    Agreed 100%.


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    #30
    Boston
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,163 ✭✭✭✭Boston


    NewOxfordReview wrote:
    Totally apart from rights and wrongs, how is that a good quality? I wouldn't stick by my friends if they were robbing banks. People should act on what they believe in or else they are weak.

    I don't agree with abortion, whatever about womans choice, I don't agree with the act itself. However if someone I cared about(friend/lover/family) has decided it was the only choice for them, and they wheren't to be convinced otherwise, I'd support them. Theres no way in hell I'd let them go through it alone, or force my morality on them. Theres right and wrong and then theres not wanting to see someone you care about hanging from a ceiling or dead in a bath tub, because you where too full of your own crap to see they needed you.

    To the op. What ever way your boyfriend looks back on his relationship with her, it's got to be with allot of pain. Thats worth taking note of.


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    #31
    secret_squirrel
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,357 ✭✭✭secret_squirrel


    LiouVille wrote:
    Theres right and wrong and then theres not wanting to see someone you care about hanging from a ceiling or dead in a bath tub, because you where too full of your own crap to see they needed you.

    Excellent post - sums up my view entirely.

    OP has it occured that until you discuss this a bit more with your BF that the events and trauma he went through may very well have influenced his current anti-abortion stance?


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