Need some help

LegacyUser

Where to begin? Am in a dreadful way at the moment. Went out with a guy for a number of years. Split up just over a year ago. I ended it, our engagement, our life, basically because staying with him would have meant ending mine. I was isolated from all of my friends, had endless broken promises made by him. Still I stayed with him. Why? Mainly out of pity, even though I wasn't interested in him romantically anymore, he was still my best friend. I loved him, but not in the way he wanted. I also have an ongoing problem with depression and in our relationship this was an easy target for him to throw blame at, therefore everything was my fault and he didn't take any responsibility for anything.

Since being away from him I've returned to education and got really good results in exams last year. (I have looming exams this year which so far I haven't acknowledged the existence of) I've also regained my social life.

Now me being me did the silliest thing imaginable. Instead of forgetting the arsehole, I couldn't seem to disconnect the emotional attachment of our friendship. So I worried about him. When we split, his life was apparently over and I was queen bitch etc etc. I hated that I inflicted pain on him and chose my own well-being over his. I searched and worried, searched and worried. Then I discovered in November that the internet isn't such a lovely place after all. Because instead of finding him pathetic in a corner, dying (as he had predicted). I found he was on the verge of having a new girlfriend.

Another bit of history - we met on the net - I was underage at the time - he was 9 yrs older. I went through 4 long years begging him to reveal my true identity to his family and friends. Demoralised, lost all my confidence and spent my days striving to be exactly what this woman is (his age), desperately I tried to fit into his world, with no success, I turned my back and lost my own life - which was perfectly acceptable for a girl in her mid teens.

Getting to the point. He posts up-dates about their relationship and pictures, pictures and more pictures. It's like a sadistic soap opera for me. There are earlier pictures which I should be in, but I've been deleted. . . At first when I discovered this I went back to the site because I couldn't quite believe what I was seeing. Disgusted that I felt so much concern for the guy when obviously he doesn't give a rats ass about me. I'm exceedingly angry with him for being happy, after all he put me through he deserves to go through hell. It's illogical, maybe it isn't, I don't have a clue anymore.

Everything was going fine until all of this. Slowly but surely college has become more difficult, I was attending fine. (I'm agoraphobic and getting out of the house is an issue when I'm going through screwed up phases). I go to therapy once weekly, this has been interrupted by renovation works in the clinic, so perhaps the lack of that recently has something to do with the way I'm feeling now. I haven't felt at all suicidal since leaving him. Not until now. He isn't stupid and surely must know that his site would be easy for me to find? I don't know if he's doing this to get back at me, or if it's just a simple blog type thing. But it didn't start until this relationship did and he has photos of (as far as I'm aware) every encounter with her. (Oh did I forget to mention she also lives in the uk - long distance - and they met on the net).

I only check the site roughly once a month, curiousity is too much and as I hinted above I'd just love him to fall face first into a snare. The main thing I think is that my experience with him has absolutely shattered my dreams of happiness with a man. Like a lot of girls, I was always looking forward to getting married and all that. Now I'm not. I won't let anyone get close to me. Have had plenty of opportunities to start something but haven't. I still want kids but will be visiting a sperm bank. . . at some stage. I'm angry because he's oblivious to all the damage he caused. I'm angry because it would have taken so little effort from him to make things right. I'm angry because I'm too scared to love again and that he isn't. I loathe the creature and totally hate his gutts.

I just want his existence to be blanked out of my brain. I still feel shell-shocked and amazed that I was such an idiot to stay with him for so long. But then I didn't have the maturity to realise, that wasn't how a relationship should be, nor to cop onto myself that trying to be someone you're not, never works.

I constantly think about leaving Ireland for a while to clear my head. Have responsibilities here at the mo and those pending exams I mentioned. Could do something over the summer. Any ideas? Any help with dealing with this and associated anger would be very much appreciated.
In addition have been pondering emailing and asking him to transfer his love affair to a new site, one which isn't so obviously connected to him. I can deal with it being out there, but not in my face - like a big red button saying 'don't press' on it - irritating me every time I check my mail. However, I really do not want to reopen the connection with him, as was adamant that no contact should be made when we split. (Also do not want him to know that he's upsetting me, because if I knew him at all, that's precisely what he wants).

Do you ever feel you just want to be free from the shackles that bind you to your past?


p.s. Have just read over my post (soz about the length). Have noticed contradicting myself when discussing concern for his welfare. Am internally torn. One part of me hates him, is angry etc etc. The other misses him and cares for him - bizarrely like a brother. So yes when I searched for a sign of life, part of me wanted him to be hurting, because I was then and had done in the past since we hit the 4 month mark in the relationship. But the initial feeling was genuine concern and worry, because I didn't want him to hurt. I guess I just hadn't expected him to be quite so jubilant, seeing as we had been planning to get married this summer. Explaining to my strict presbyterian family that actually the engagement was off was humiliating (and seemingly unheard of) despite it being my decision. I don't know how to forgive him for that, for his guttlessness to stand up to his mother (who was the main issue when it came to telling them all - actually she's 3 years younger than you think). For making me go through the humiliation of realising that he didn't love me enough to stand up for me, to let me be myself, to be proud of me for who I was. I wish I'd never met him. I wish I didn't have to deal with this.

Victor

PaperbackWriter wrote:

p.s. Have just read over my post (soz about the length).

You're fine. I read the important bis and speed-rea dhte rest.

Once upon a time I was in a very dark place and yea I did think about suicide. But I decided to dismiss it as an option immediately. Suicide means "they" win. They don't deserve to win.

I strongly suggest you don't visit his site at all. Get some blocking software and add his site to the list.

Fanny Cradock

woooh, long post

anyway, i suggest you stop looking at his web space and start moving on with your own life. you're not going to break free from "the shackles that bind you to your past" if you are checking up on him.

considering your history together, your dichotomous feelings towards the guy are understandable. that's all in the past though. he’s moved on. i suggest you do the same.

i feel sorry you are now so bitter after the end of this relationship that you have ruled out the possibility of having another. this seems foolish to me. simply put: you are denying yourself the possibility of happiness with someone else. this bitterness is encroaching into other parts of your life, and it appears that you are (to an extent) the architect of your own unhappiness.

you really need to start living your own life and stop obsessing about his.

LegacyUser

Will be getting some blocking software.

Fanny - I completely understand what you're saying. I do not know why I am doing this, the explanations I gave are about all I can come up with. When I was growing up my family had ideas about where my life should be going, so did I. When I was with my ex, my life became about his life and everything that he wanted. Now I'm five years older and it's like there was a big black hole, that sucked everything out of me and now I have to rebuild everything. The complication being that I'm now older, everything in my previous life has passed and I'm not really sure where I'm at. It annoys me that I was so stupid to give up everything for him, when he gave up nothing for me. Hence why it is easier for him to move on. A friend said to me it takes half as long as you were together for the wounds to heal, if so, I'm half way there. Mentally I'm thinking it isn't a good idea to get involved seriously with someone again. Can I really trust myself not to get involved with another possesive psycho? Foolish it may be, but it's my only way of protecting myself.

Victor

PaperbackWriter wrote:

Mentally I'm thinking it isn't a good idea to get involved seriously with someone again.

Be careful that you don't spite yourself, because of him. We not all completely bad.

Can I really trust myself not to get involved with another possesive psycho?

Don't blame yourself for his actions. He had the advantage of age and other things over you.

No_Regrets

Hey PaperbackWriter...well I am sad to hear that life is really tough and draining on you at the moment. I hope that you can get back to therapy asap and deal with any even possible worries about suicide - this is NOT an option. You are still a young person it seems and you can make a wonderful, fulfilling, happy and exciting life for yourself if you want it. People always talk about fate being there for us all, I say blahhhh to that! You choose your own path in life and if you strive for happiness, you can achieve it. Try to regain confidence in yourself, do stop checking up on your ex's life and soon you will begin moving towards a better future. I wish you all the best and hope that everything works out well for you.

LundiMardi

Sorry but i didn't read all of that, but i read as much as i could. But it seems to me that you're just bitter because he's moving on with his life, and you're not. You have your problems, and he seems to have none. Whatever about how he treated you, it's not your business anymore what he does, you're bringing this all on yourself by checking out his site!

quad_red

LundiMardi wrote:

Sorry but i didn't read all of that, but i read as much as i could. But it seems to me that you're just bitter because he's moving on with his life, and you're not. You have your problems, and he seems to have none. Whatever about how he treated you, it's not your business anymore what he does, you're bringing this all on yourself by checking out his site!

You have to stop looking at that site! It's like picking at a wound that's trying to heal.

You've broken up with the guy - I applaud you for this. Reserving judgement on what kind of guy he is.... You have to take care of yourself. As you said, living your life to service him would've meant misery for you.

You did the best thing all round.

But you need to move on. You've moved on a bit but now you're looking backwards. Does it matter what twisted rubbish he posts for his digital girlfriend? You've moved your life on. You're working hard at improving your prospects with education.

You've put a lot of hard work in - keep going. NO MORE LOOKING at that bloody site.

Nevyn

PaperbackWriter, is is possible for you to see your therapist elsewhere while the work is being carried out ?

Your doing well in your life, your have moved forward and are looking to your future with going to college.

You can't live you life in reaction to some one elses and what they did to you when you were younger, trust me not a life plan.

It is great that you are distancing yourself from him but really you do need to cut him out of your life and your head space, other wise you are still giving him
permission to hurt you ( and you will be hurt even if he is oblivious to your exsistance ).

Emotional mutliation is a form of self harm and everytime you go look at that site it is what you are doing to yourself.

I can understand that it is horrendus to you that he is just continuing blightly along with his life and has no reguard for you or the the things you have had to endure and recover from.
But you know really sod him, karma is a bitch and people get thiers eventually.

You are doing the best thing for yourself in living and living a good happy life is the best revenge you will get.
Every day you don't think about him is a victory for you.

As for relationships in the future, you are wise in not jumping in and out of relationships until you get yourself sorted first.

Your in theraphy, in college and in a space where you are fixing yourself and your life these are all wonderful brave things instead of opting out through
drugs/drink/self harm/meaningless sex.

Chin up you will get there.

The Sweeper

Hey PBW

Bottom line to me is this.

Your healing should not be dependent on how your ex-boyfriend feels about you.

Just because you made a large piece of your life dependent on him, his approval, his wants and wishes and his demands, it does not mean that your recovery is dependent on him:

a) mourning your loss
b) understanding that he didn't treat you properly
c) feeling bad about what he's done
d) regretting the fact that he has now lost you
e) lamenting his own stupidity and hurting over it

Even though all of the above would justify what you did for so long while in a relationship with him, the sad fact is that they're never going to happen. You left him because you realised you shouldn't be with him. However, you're finding it very difficult, having made that choice, to come to terms with the fact that you could have made that decision earlier than you did, sparing yourself some of the pain you're feeling now.

First though, stop beating yourself up. You need to stop, now, immediately. STOP JUDGING YOURSELF BY THE STANDARDS OF YOUR EX BOYFRIEND.

You are not a bad person. You're not selfish or horrible or unlikeable. Just because your ex-boyfriend isn't wearing sackcloth and ashes and torturing himself that doesn't mean you're worthless.

Stop measuring yourself by what your ex-boyfriend thinks. Stop thinking that the fact that he's getting on with his life means you can't get on with yours.

Try to stop checking out his website.

You made a decision to be free of your ex boyfriend. Now stick to it.

As for the rest - the worries about the future - give yourself a chance. Healing is different for everyone - there's nothing that says you should be back on your feet and able to move on with a certain number of months.

Lastly - if your therapy clinic is closed for building work, can you find another therapist in the short term? Sounds to me like you need to keep it up.

Fanny Cradock

Hey PaperbackWriter,

"everything in my previous life has passed and I'm not really sure where I'm at"

i can imagine how confused you must feel. you've invested so much time and effort in something that didn't work and thats got to hurt. however, without sounding cheesy, this is a good thing. the unhealthy relationship is over and you now have the possibility to live your own life and seek your own happiness. you may be a little older, but that's not a bad thing.

to me it seems like you have gone through the process of moving on (going to college etc.), but you've never made the emotional disconnection. the thing is, you may very well be obsessing about a guy who rarely thinks about you.

as with your relationship together, this situation you now find (put?) yourself in is still "sucking the life out of you". in other words, the damage that he may have caused in the past, you are now inflicting on yourself.

you are probably right about not needing a relationship now. but don't judge all us guys by one bad apple. please dont rule out anything because of this guy.

it's a beautiful day, paperbackwriter. you are still young. your posts suggest that you are an intelligent and thoughtful person. no doubt you have friends and family who care and support you. finally, if you choose, you CAN be free of a relationship that was damaging for you.

forget the loser. concentrate on the positives in your life. find happiness.

blackbird98

You're better off without him, he's a user n abuser. you should try to concentrate on other things and forget about him. his new partner will probably feel the same as you do in a few years. Take up a hobby as well as your studies and concentrate on these. Depression can be very difficult to handle, but if you think positively, you can get over this. best of luck in the future