Oh the ex

half_in

I'd like to get a bit of advice of the floor.

I went out with a girl for almost four years. We broke up in pretty acrimonious circumstances. She went teaching English abroad and travelling and pretty much ignored me immediately. She was upset and unsure the first month so contact was incessant. Then she hooked up with a group and within a week she had pretty much lost interest.

Yet continued to make a huge effort to contact both our mutual friends and some friends of mine?? Detailing all she was doing/who she was doing. This, needless to say, hurt like hell. Took me a long time to move on.

And now three years later she's back. And seems intent on having some sort of contact. She has tried to engineer a meeting between us twice. At christmas she lied to a mutual friend about coming to a house party in order to try and get me to go.

Now I've moved on. Am with a new girl and things are much much better - it puts all the hardship and dysfunction of the previous relationship in stark light. And I think this is why I don't hate the girl - cos I've found someone new.

But here I am thinking about it enough to ask what the hell i should do. A flatmate of mine is in a similiar situation and she thinks you can't truely get over an ex till you at least talk to them.

And that's something I never had. Last time I actually talked to her in person we were going out. Then she left. And I always think thats stuck with me. I never had the chance to tell her how upset I was with her. Or anything like that. She just pretty much ignored me and I was left to stew.

Mmm. What do ye think?

Blub2k4

Tell her you've moved on, just let her know maybe that the way she left it with you means you wouldn't bother even having a friendly relationship with her.

justsomebloke

when she went away she was looking for excitement and new experiences and probably didn't want the hassle of worrying about her life back home, you being an ex boyfriend where probably part of the life she was escaping from for a while and cause of that probably didn't want to email you with "sho she was doing" as you nicely put it, as she was probably looking for no strings fun. However now that she is back she is ready to settle down a bit and is probably ready for a long term relationship. So it looks like she still has feelings for you and probably wants a second go.
You however have moved on but are probably wondering 'what if' what if she hadn't gone away what if we where still going out etc etc etc. however that is all you should wonder, what if? as you have already stated you have moved on to better things

hepcat

Few things I don't get - you say last time you spoke ye were going out - yet at start of post you say she needed to be in constant contact for a month, until she met a new group and moved on??

Also, if she wanted to meet you could she not just ring you?

Are you sure she tried to meet you by lying about going to an Xmas party?

Or is there any possibility that you are fooling yourself and you really want to meet up with her?

Otherwise, if you genuinely feel you just want to let her know how much you were hurt, why should you not meet her and have this discussion?

jubi lee

depends what you want... do you want to talk to her or do you not? totally up to you..

half_in

right up to her leaving (drove her to Shannon). Slept with her just before she left.

And she was leaving, yet there was never really a break up (unbelievably stupid not to sort things out i know. but ye live and ye learn). So she went away and I was in the middle of finishing my degree (enormous workload) and continued to spend all my time reassuring her, helping her etc.

Then bang. She'd found her feet and couldn't be bothered talking to me anymore.

Party was an attempt to engineer a meeting I think -i'd made it clear to her friend that i wouldn't go (was with my current gf) if she went. All sorted then bang - houdini appears. I've met her briefly in passing at one point but was too pissed & stunned so she went away.

I don't think she wants to get back together. But I think what jsb said about leaving her life here then returning rings true.

She was heartless and manipulative in what she did. She wanted her life here in the backround of her new perfect life, she wanted to organise things with our friends AND mine but wanted me out of the picture, lest it sully her new perfect life. That's how it felt.

But now she wants to be 'best buds' or something. She talks as if nothing ever happened!?!? Tis strange.

I dunno I know I don't have to have any major contact with her. But I'm sick of all our friends tippy toeing around resulting in no big meet ups (which are a rare thing since leaving college). I'm confused.

hepcat

Well then, maybe it would be best not to avoid her. Let the inevitable meeting happen, and let her no there is no going back and you don't see ye being friends, but that if ye mix in same circles you'd prefer to clear the air and keep it amicable.

All break-ups are hard, and its sounds like this was a case of an unsustainable long term relationship that ye did not sort out. Is all the fault on her side? Anyway, it is all in the past now, so if you don't want to be friends let her know that, but don't let her influence your enjoyment of your social life.

Zombrex

TBH honest a lot of the anomosity between the two of you might just be in your head. It seems likely that as far as she is concerned you broke up when she went away, you stayed in contact for a bit but then drifted apart when she found her feet. And now you are simply another ex-boyfriend who she wouldn't mind catching up with.

I mean, she might not realise you were so hurt by the break up, or when she cut contact. So I'm not sure you can expect her to know you are still angry about the breakup.

Anyway, live and learn.

The lesson here is when you are breaking up break up properly. Don't keep in contact. You say you were supporting her for the first little while, but at the same time she was also really supporting you. And when that ended properly you were just as upset as when she went away. It was a second break-up. It would have been better to properly break up when she left.

But at the same time you can't really punish her for the mistake you both made. Neither of you should have stayed in contact, she was just lucky enough to find her feet after the break up quicker than you, which lead to you getting hurt more than her. But that wasn't really her fault. What did you expect her to do?

But if you can't get passed it I don't think meeting up is a good idea.

The idea you are never over someone until you meet them is bullsh*t. You are not over someone properly until you don't care about meeting them either way. You obviously still have a lot of issues with this girl, so it is clear you are not fully over what happened.

Meeting her is only going to make you feel worse.

metrovelvet

I dont think you need to talk to an ex to get over someone. Sometimes it makes it worse.

It really depends on what you want. You dont have to do anything you dont want to do. And this is what you need to focus on what you want not on fantasies about what she wants. Though if shes "engineering" meetings I have my suspicions.

It sounds like its your friends who your more worried about. They will feel more comfortable when they see you being comfortable. Set the example.

If you do meet her, bring your girlfriend.

Kolodny

Sort of sounds like she never got 'closure' on the relationship - even though she cut you out for a while, she might have been expecting a reconciliation when she returned, and now you've moved on and she hasn't quite as much. If you're comfortable enough to meet her as a friend then go for it - it might do her good to see you've moved on. I think it's a bit silly that your friends are 'tip-toeing' around it after so long though - it's really your business, but I suppose that what friends do.