Supporting a Friend Who Was Raped

LegacyUser

Hi,

About 6 weeks ago a friend on mine was raped, she's a 19 year old student in first year in college in Northern Ireland. She was out one night, met this guy in a pub/bar and invited him home for one thing and one thing only. He was very rough with her, she wanted him to stop but he didn't, he ruptured something so she lost a bit of blood. A few days later she went to A & E as she was still in pain, they ran a few tests, pregnancy, STI etc but she wasn't examined downstairs. I think she told the A & E doc she had safe sex rather than she was raped. There was blood in her urine and the doc said it was probably from trauma, I'm guessing if my friend didn't give the doc all the info she couldn't do a proper assessment, I think the doc just told her to have safe sex in future and seemed quite dismissive sort of "another daft young student" without saying it kind of way. Obviously, I'm not familiar with all the details as I don't want to ask too many questions it's probably best to be gentle and supportive.

She doesn't want to go the PSNI as she doesn't want her parents to find out what she has been like since she started college, she doesn't know the surname of this scumbag or where he works or anything like that. It has obviously really turned her life upside down, she's relying a bit on drink and cutting now to cope, her sleep is pretty non existent, she has nightmares, she is very drained, keeps blaming herself and cries a lot. She is very jumpy too.

Since she started college she has been on a pretty bad self destructive path (she has been cutting herself for a few years) but in college she has used a fair few drugs, drinks quite a bit, sleeps around and gets herself into silly situations. Some nights she would drink, do drugs - prescriptive and non prescriptive and random sex. OK, to some extent it's experimentation, pushing her boundaries and perhaps partly the perks of the student lifestyle but most of what she has done above she doesn't like. Before the rape happened she seemed to use the student lifestyle as a fallback excuse but I think her problems were more complicated than her being a student. I think it's possible the sleeping around was sparked by a breakup with her ex in the Autumn, shortly after it happened she went out and was with any on the street just to spite herself (her words). Yes, it was somewhat inevitable that she would crash at some point, she knew it herself, she said something along the lines of she would walk the plank some day. Obviously I'm not going to have a go at her or moralise (people can sleep with who they want to once it's legal etc) and what not. Now she keeps going "what if" a lot about inviting him back and she thinks she was stupid to invite a rapist home. I've tried to reassure her that she couldn't have known his intentions.

I've been there pretty much consistently but I've also kept in mind that I that don't want her to feel suffocated and wreck her head with too many ideas. She doesn't seem to want to get full support at the moment, she doesn't want some stranger to see the impact it has had on her, poor sleep, not eating properly, hard to be in the same lecture hall as any guy etc etc. I know there's only so much I can do, she needs professional help but doesn't seem to want to take it at the moment, says she is stubborn. I've told her getting help doesn't mean she is weak or anything and she deserves care and understanding. She feels guilty too I think, worrying that if this guy does this to another girl it will somehow be her fault for not reporting him. She doesn't seem to want to try counselling or have to tell her story, she's quite on edge these days and fears she might end up dead. She has emailed the Samaritans so hopefully she will get a reply.

I'm at a bit of loss now to be honest, I'm not sure what else I can do other than listen and be there. Any advice would be helpful, thanks.

Miss Fluff

The Rape Crisis & Sexual Abuse Centre in Belfast 04890 329002 is there to support not just victims of rape, but friends and family of victims also. May be worth giving them a call and they may be able to recommend some first steps for your friend.

justsomebloke

as suggested either try and get her to ring the rape crisis number or you ring it as they will probably able to advise you on things that you maybe able to do.
All you can do is try and be as supportive as possible and try and get her to get some professional help not just for the rape but also for the other problems which she has, with the self cutting and low self esteem which is has her life spiralling out of control. But be there as a friend is the most important thing

I would suggest and i am probably going to get shot down for this, don't push her into actively seeking the rapist. yes get her to report it but she is probably best just reporting it and not going much further as you seem to suggest that it started off being consensual but then it turned to rape. Rape will be very hard to prove if she initally gave consentand the case will probably be thrown out casuing her yet more pain if she has to relive it.

hepcat

Rape Crisis Centre and further medical attention immediately...easier said than done, maybe, but your sound like a good friend and she is just a young woman and if she was injured internally this really needs to be checked out. She sounds like she would also benefit from counselling. It seems she knows she needs help if she has contacted the Samaritans, so gently persist with trying to get her to seek as much help as possible. She is lucky to have a good friend like you, fair play.

the Guru

I think at this stage it might to late for the doctors to do a rape test, and get semen swabs from her

It must be very traumatic for her , been so young and away from home.

Miss Fluff

jsb wrote:

I would suggest and i am probably going to get shot down for this, don't push her into actively seeking the rapist. yes get her to report it but she is probably best just reporting it and not going much further as you seem to suggest that it started off being consensual but then it turned to rape. Rape will be very hard to prove if she initally gave consentand the case will probably be thrown out casuing her yet more pain if she has to relive it.

I completely agree with you on that score JSB. Majority of cases unfortunately result in a not guilty verdict which just exacerbates the trauma unfortunately.

Lux23

I have had experience with rape myself and the rape crisis centre in Dublin was very good. I am not sure if its the same as Belfast but I had 1 to 1 counselling and now I go to a group session every couple of weeks. All you can do for your friend is what you have been doing so far, the only thing that will make things easier for her is to time so don't get down if you feel you are not helping her. I don' t really know what to say about her other problems, I did all that myself in my late teens/early twenties and it was mainly a phase I was going through. Just keep an eye on her and try to steer her in the right direction but she is the only one who can make decisions about her life.

hepcat

the Guru wrote:

I think at this stage it might to late for the doctors to do a rape test, and get semen swabs from her

It must be very traumatic for her , been so young and away from home.

She should still seek medical attention if she received internal injuries as stated by the OP. I would not like to panic her, but she may want to have kids in years to come and sometimes injuries of this nature can be insidious in that an infection/injury may occur, and she may get over it, but it can do long-term hidden damage. I really feel the OP should persist in getting her to seek further medical attention.

Sleepy

Most colleges provide some form of counselling service. It would be a good idea to help her get in contact with this service as this really is something she needs professional help with. It may also help open the floodgates so to speak and help her deal with the cutting etc.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the sensible replies folks.

I'll see if I can nudge her to get in contact with the Rape Crisis Centre. She got a reply email from the Samaritans, I won't go into details for obvious reasons. Another friend of hers did offer to go any beat the guy up a day or two after it happened but obviously that wouldn't have solved anything...Yeah, obviously rape would be hard to prove if she initially consented by inviting him back to her college room. She said she wouldn't have stopped him if he didn't rupture something, I don't know if that means if he was rough and she hadn't lost blood she have stopped him or not...if that makes sense.

I'm aware cutting is not attention seeking but a coping mechanism. I know she dislikes herself quite intensely. I'm not sure if her behaviour (drinking, drugs, casual sex) is just a phase or late teenage rebellion. As I've said before these seem to be deep seated problems. After each event she didn't really seem to learn, a few weeks before she was raped she woke up in some guy's bed with no memory of how she had gotten there, this didn't seem to stop her, it gave her pause her thought but perhaps not enough. I dunno what the problem is, impulse control, mental illness, the role of genetics (dad has a drink problem), sorry, probably sound a bit panicky there. She doesn't seem to enjoy college at all, she likes her college but seems really lost, gone from being well known in school to a little fish in college, she likes her degree but perhaps it's the environment, despite all her experimenting she does she doesn't seem to like the social scene. She has said some of her behaviour before this was just making up for lost time (excuse?) but then other times she doesn't like it and would class it as disgusting.

I know counselling/psychotherapy can work as I've been there but any work in that situation involves the client utlimately helping themselves with resources, methods, self awareness etc etc that can potentially be developed through counselling. She doesn't seem to want to go near counselling at all in any shape or form. I think has bad experiences in the past, think a nun told her to stop harming herself because it was against god or something daft. I don't think she has sat down with a fully trained and properly qualified counsellor before so maybe hasn't given it a proper go. I brought up counselling before she started uni but she didn't go for it and at her uni I think there's only 10 sessions per student or something like that. I guess for something like this though they'd try to point her in the direction of something more long term.

Further medical advice/intervention might be a good idea, yeah, I'd agree. I guess her injuries may not be as obvious as a broken limb but something could be badly damaged. She needs to eat more too, she doesn't like cooking in general sometimes goes for a few days with only something like toast to keep her going.

Sleepy - yeah, opening the floodgates sprang to mind and I hope it will, it's definitely a wake up call, she knows that herself. However, given past events it's hard to be certain as to whether she will follow through and really learn from it, I hope so, I care about her deeply but as others have said only she can choose her own path.

I know she is intensely angry about this both at herself and this guy, she wants to stop thinking about it for just a few minutes but is finding it very hard to do so. Thanks again for the advice.

Victor

Why not give the RCC a call and see if they have advice for you, as a friend.

LegacyUser

OK, I rang the RCC a call and they were helpful, supportive and said I could phone them again if I needed to. They said she should get further medical attention and professional help.

She still seems unsure about help, won't go to a doc or counsellor. She is pretty much unable to relax and can't really sleep at all, up til all hours. It's obvious she is very drained and to some extent is putting up a front and it isn't working, it seems she is slipping badly...she said she feels very vulnerable and such. She wants to pretend it didn't happen and doesn't want to deal with it in an adult manner. Don't think there's much more I can do other than be a friend and listen.

Without wishing to sound alarmist (though perhaps unavoidable) but without help couldn't this trigger PTSD or something?

Lux23

I am not an expert so don't quote me on this and she really needs to be see a doctor but I would imagine that PTSD is what she is suffering from already.

LegacyUser

Possibly though does someone not have to have symptoms for a few months after an event before it would be classed as PTSD. Not sure, I haven't seen a DSM IV lately.

Definitely needs a doc though, yup.

pepper

i had an incident like that when i was 14- i did say i wanted to have sex but half way through it i was crying because it hurt so much and i asked him to stop and he said" shut up i need a thrill" i tried to get up and he held me down til he had finished- then left- he was very big and played rugby and i was 9 stone and compared to him i was weak- i did try to push him off but i couldnt...

Since then ive took drugs and had random sex to block it out and honestly i NEVER sought help and it still kills me today.

I think its great u stand by her because my "so called friends" at the time said" id said yes to sleeping with him so it was my fault"

I know now that when i said "no" he should have said "ok" and not held me down

Ive since gotten rid of my friends from then and ive better friends- and your a great friend- she is lucky to have you

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear about that pepper, sounds like it was awful. Good to hear you've better mates now.

She is intensely angry these days and sometimes I end up in the firing line. Apparently she doesn't need my sympathy and can do fine without me. However, she apologised quickly after that outburst. I know that when she is like that that it's not directed at me personally it's just frustration boiling over...

She has another friend who is nearer to her college and seems to want to force help on her if she doesn't do it herself/get her act together, can someone do that? He has connections or something.

Victor

DSean, sometimes for a victim to admit they are a victim can be very difficult, as if they are admitting there is something wrong with them, that they feel they are inherently "bad" or that they allowed what happened to happen.

I sometimes have similar feelings, although in the circumstances of an accident, not a rape.

Try to spend some time with her, even if its simple day-to-day stuff.

Feel free to PM me in confidence.

LegacyUser

DSean, Firstly you sound like a brilliant friend - keep it up, she's going to need you a lot more before she comes out of this.

I was raped when I was 8/9 - still can't remember much about what happened and I'm 35 now. But I've spent the last 2 years in counselling dealing with deep seated feelings of self hatred, depression, suicidal thoughts etc. I spent most of my life running away from what happened to me, denying it until my body gave up and my psyche made me deal with it. It might be the same for your friend, she's pushing herself to her limits with the self destructive lifestyle. It might be only when her body breaks down that she can start to build herself up again. She will certainly be hating herself right now and blaming herself for what happend. Most of her anger will be turned in on herself, even though outwardly she will also be angry at her assailant.

I hate to say it but I think her problems are caused by a lot more than a relationship breakup - it sounds like she has bigger issues than a failed romance to deal with. I'm not suggesting that what happened to me happened to her but there may well be a trauma of some kind in her past that has come to the surface, hence the drugs, sex drinking. Sorry for the long rambling post but I guess what I'm trying to say is that, unfortunately for her, you and anyone else who cares about her, she may be on a difficult path that has to follow a particular course and she has to hit her version of the bottom before she can start to heal. Give her lots of love and just be there for her as much as you can - she needs someone who will love the person she hates (herself) more than anything and it sounds like that's what your doing. I really hope it works out for her.

LegacyUser

Thanks folks.

A bit of an update, she has gotten professional help which is good news. Hopefully this will help her in the long long run, she has been brave and mature in reaching for this help, I've made sure to tell her that. I know it sounds terrible but I'm a little bit relieved that she has done that (I don't mean that she was being a burden, she wasn't) but a) I'm not trained and b) if left without proper help god knows what state she could have ended up in. It's taken a lot of guts for her to go forward and there'll be tough times ahead, I appreciate that.

There have been some lighter moments, she's been telling jokes and making me laugh which is good to see too.

Oldbird (hey, you're only 35!), I'd agree that she was pushing herself to her limits with her lifestyle and yeah, it's probably only been now when her body says it has had enough can she focus on building herself up again (which takes a long time). She is angry at herself, I can sense that.

I know the cutting started a few years ago I know she was assaulted though I don't believe it was sexual, it might have been her dad whilst intoxicated. As for some of the happenings at college, I'm not sure what kicked them off, she hadn't even touched cigarettes before going to college, I doubt she woke up some morning and said to herself "ah sure, I'll start sleeping around, get drunk and stoned often". She did move away from home, the breakup, maybe peer pressure but I don't know really. I think at college the cutting lessened so maybe some of these other behaviours took over in terms of self harm. I'm not going to ask her what sparked things but in time she might tell me, I guess it would be useful for me to know so I can understand things more and so forth. I guess that sort of lifestyle is one of extremes, getting high drunk, stoned etc and then when that goes your mood can go the complete opposite direction, not much balance or stability methinks.

I will continue to support her in whatever way I can, thanks again.

Shellie13

just keep supporting her it might take ages! A good friend is invaluble in this situation! Shes lucky to have you- she need someone to let her know that no matter what what her behavior was like this was not her fault!

LegacyUser

DSean wrote:

...QUOTE]

*Firstly * you have been an excellent friend to her by even coming here and seeing help. I really hope she gets the help she needs, but you have got to encourage her when she is weak to take positive steps. Yes, this guy could do it again, so for her and for anyone else he might encounter, help her be strong . anyone can be caught off guard you know - help the girl. Im sure she would do the same for you you

tj-music.com

I suppose one way to bring about a calming effect would be a Reiki session. The practitioner doesn´t need to know a thing and it is relaxing and revitalising.

LegacyUser

Hi, sorry to post again. Thanks for your comments.

I don't think she had a great Easter...not really sleeping, nightmares and horrible flashbacks, stuff like that. I know she is suicidal...and quite strongly so. She also got a few extra blades for harming. She didn't go to her next counselling appointment in college because she didn't want to. I've said that is OK but if she's feeling low she should reconsider getting help. I think she partly wants to pretend it didn't happen which I guess isn't very realistic.

She feels quite uncomfortable at college now she's back after the holidays. There are only a few weeks left until she wraps up for the year, what if she doesn't get help, what if she goes without professional help during the summer? I don't think she will get help when she returns home as she probably couldn't afford to. I suggested visiting her home GP but I don't know if she'll go. I'm concerned if this goes unchecked/without long term and continuous help.

She still blames herself for what happened, maybe she thinks sleeping around meant she was effectively wearing a bulls eye target on her head, I don't know. She did mention a few times over recent months she would end up seriously hurt, (I figured she'd end up in A&E because of drink or something, not rape though) she felt it coming and knew playing with fire...:(

Other than listening I'm not sure what else I can do...I know I can offer some advice but she has to want to grab hold of it.