Marriage V Single life

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my GF for 3 years, she is the ideal woman, good looking, smart, funny, great figurem considerate, easy going, fun to be with - she is my best friend, and I can't imagine my life without her in it.

My problem is that lately I have been getting cold feet, I think about marriage and kids and I freak out, i think about living together and I panic.

I was once incredibly social, always out with different groups of mates, but now whenever we go out its as a couple, and generally with other couples. We are at an age now where most of our friends have settled into couples and long gone are the days of drinking till the wee hours and dancing till dawn, instead we go for 'one or two' down the local, and instead of 2 week boozy package sun holidays, we have one week relaxing holidays with other couples.

I feel like I am having a mid life crisis in my 20's, and I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I want to be single, but its not because I want to go off with other people, but because I just want to be me, the me thats known as me, and not as one part of a couple. I want to go out when I want and not have to take other people into consideration. I want to go out on the lash whenever I feel like it and not feel bad about not seeing the other half.

Lately I cant stop thinking that calling a break with my GF might be a good idea, just for a couple of months, I am not sure what exactly I think that would solve, it just seems to keep popping into my head.

If I could wave a magic wand I would put my GF on hold, just press the pause button, I would go wild for about 6 months and get all this itchy feet business out of my system and then take her off hold again.

Obviously I know that wouldn't be fair to her, and just couldn't possibly happen.

I have started flirtting a lot with other people but not because I really like them, or would ever take it to the next step, but because I love the excitement of an illicit flirt, a sly wink, the ego boost that goes with it, that kinda thing.

I want to have that excitement with the missus, and I feel like I am compensating for that.

Maybe the break time would give me a chance to get back on the social scene with my friends and would also give me the opportunity to really miss my GF, because right now I see her everyday and I think I am taking her company for granted.

I don't get really excited when I see her anymore, and we don't flirt the way we used to.

I feel like we have eveolved from a red hot flirtatous good time couple into a couple of old foggie best friends.

Basically, I do love my GF very much, and I want to be with her, I just need to find a way to get over this cold feet/mid life crisis and get back to feeling good about everything I have got, because I know that there are people who would kill for what I have.

What can I do? Is a break in order? Or is there a way of fixing this without going on a break.

I keep hoping this is a phase and I will grow out of it, but its taking a long time to get over, I have felt this way since around Christmas time, and the longer it goes on the more it troubles me.


(Apologies for bad spelling)

ivan087

youre obviously miserable, how do you think you would feel in a few years time? talk to her about what you said here. consider taking a six months break to australia. go mad for 6 months and then see where the relationship is going. you cant go on like you are now, you'll only regret it in the future.

Oryx

Tell her exactly what youve said here. Bite the bullet, cos it sounds like your going to split with her otherwise. She may be feeling the same, and you may both find a way of injecting a bit of excitement into life without splitting. Good luck.

Lindaloo

Friends of mine were the same, they decided to go off travelling for a couple of months together, they came back stronger than ever and are now engaged. They found out why the wanted to be with each other without the other couples and other friends hanging out with them all the time.

What you have said in your post, there's not one nasty thing in it, you should talk to her, it's very obvious that you do love her and that she is more than likely the one for you but that you need to be recognised for you and not as a couple.

Could you take up a course or something where you will only be known as 'Crisistime' and not One half of ***?

There's also nothing wrong with going on the lash with your mates, organise it and go out with them, the only difference is that you don't have to go through the whole debacle of meeting girls, you can meet them, have a laugh and go home to the girl that you love. Your girlfriend shouldn't have a problem with you hanging out with them, they same as I'm sure you wouldn't have a problem her going out with hers. Does she go out with the girls and if she does, what do you do on these nights?

Talk to her, you never know, she may be feeling as stuck as you are feeling and like I said, what you posted isn't nasty, you can see how much you think of her, it's just that you need some 'you' time.

WhiteWashMan

there is absolutely no reason to split.

itsw ok to want these things, but wha tyo uhave to realise is that you are no longer 18, you have responsiblities, and you will find that you will get bored of going out continually with other single people.

yo uare not the same person you once were, and i think what you are missing is what you used to be. it just wont work anymore.

but you could do with though is some time to yourself. to do the things you want to do.
and not just an hour here, or an afternoon there. why not just take some time out for yourself. explain to your girl that you want these things, becuase every now and then, you just need some alone time to do the things you want to do. even if its just lying in bed.

youre getting nervous becuase you feel you are being tied down.
youre not.
its in your head. i think everyone in a long term relationship goes through it. i did. figure out exactly what you think it is you miss and want to relive.

then try and relive it. i bet you will not find it an enjoyable or rewarding experience.

and think abotu al lthe great things about being with your partner, and then wonder why you would even think about sacrificing what you have just so you can get some silly notions 'out of your system'

better to talk with her, explain, and then try and do the stuff you felt you needed to do.
again, i reckon oyou will find its just not as much fun anymore.

believe it or not, going out and getting rat arsed, heading to a nightclub and spending 50 quid and 7 hours of your life trying to get laid by some other drunken lonely person is not as rewarding as you think.

and if you are worried about the future, talk to your girl about it. she may be petrified as well, and wondering what it might be like if she was single again...

justsomebloke

ye there is no reason to have a break and only bad would come of it. You love her she loves you (we hope) all is well.
The problem is that you probably spend a bit too much time with her and this is what is causing your itchy feet. The easiest way to solve this is to spend less time her i.e. go out with your mates without your girlfriends and have a laugh every so often, you don't always have to go out together. Also take you a hobby or pastime that you do once a week without her to give you some time to yourself.
If after this you still feel that may you need a break then at that point go down that road.

that and also plan a kinky weekend away for the 2 of yous with no other couples that or plan some other exciting things to do together

LegacyUser

There is some really good advice in here. I dont think my BF will mind me mentioning that I have been going through the 'wanting to be known as sillysausage and not one half of a couple' thing myself lately.

I was quite the social butterfly, and I miss socialising with different groups of friends. Like the OP, alot of my socialising now tends to be in couples, and to be blunt, that can get a bit boring.

I am going to take some of the advice from this thread and start rekindling old relationships with my mates and get back on the social scene as an individual - because thats what I am, not just half of a couple.

When your in a couple your single mates tend to think you wont want to go with them when they are hitting the clubs, they shouldn't be so dismissive, I love getting dolled up and hiting the dance floor. You don't have to be single to want to get your groove on, and if you are in a relationship and go clubbinh without your other half, it doesn't automatically mean that there is trouble in paradise.
I think it can often mean the opposite, if you can go clubbing with you pals and leave your BF/GF to their own devices then it says a lot about the trust and quality of the relationship.

hepcat

I dunno, I agree with a lot of whats been said, but I also find it true that a lot of people are not ready to be in a long term relationship in their twenties. There is nothing necessarily wrong with this - it is just a shame that you might be sacrificing the best love of your life. You will not get that back - even if ye "take a break" as a couple, there is every chance that things will just not be the same again. And remember, even the best of relationships need working at, and that involves riding out the boring times too.

You know yourself you cannot put her "on hold". It is also hard to bring up an "I feel like taking a break / I feel too tied down" conversation without running some serious risks. Try WWM's advice first?

connundrum

You're post is headlined with Marriage V Single life.. and from what I can make out, nobody has proposed. So your fear is in your head, no? So its a normal relationship, but you feel trapped cos all you're looking at is the years and years with this girl to come, without concentrating on the good times you say you're having now (ie. she's your best friend, you love her v much etc).. much like reading the last page of a book before you've opened the front cover.

Live your now life, don't dwell on your future life (I know that's gramatically wrong). Go out with the lads, let her go out with her mates, do shiit that you used to do before you got with this girl.
This is probably how it happened..

Boy meets girl
Boy loves girl
Boy sees less of friends and more of girls
Boy quits playing football
Boy and girl look at each other and start blaming each other cos now it appears they have no outside friends
Boy needs to start playing football again

Easy, no?

Another thing you may wanna consider is whether or not this girl will wait round for you while you finish off being single. If ye're all in love now this might turn her right off you.. has she expressed the desire to give it a break?

So you've to decide whether you wanna stick it out and try being a normal person (ie. join that football club and go out with the lads) or go on a break and risk it all being over forever. You might want to put her on pause, but she probably won't want to go on pause.

Good luck anyway!

LegacyUser

If I did decide to call a break i could only hope that she would still be there when the break came to a close. If she wasn't, well then I guess I would have blown it and it wasn't meant to be.
If something is for life then I dont think a month or two break is really going to make all the much difference.

I think that a break might do her some good too.

Maybe its what we both need, maybe it would be the end of us, who knows, if we couldn't last a month apart then maybe its just not meant to be.

So many thoughts running through my head. I am confident that if we did part for a month that we would get back together afterward and be stronger then ever before because we would have had the opportunity to find outselves again, get back in with our buddies, and more importantly, remember why we got together in the first place, because not seeing each other for a month, for me anyhow, would be hard, and i think it would make me realise how much i miss her, and how much i lover her, and how much i never want to be apart from her ever again.

Victor

CrisisTime wrote:

I was once incredibly social, always out with different groups of mates, but now whenever we go out its as a couple, and generally with other couples. We are at an age now where most of our friends have settled into couples and long gone are the days of drinking till the wee hours and dancing till dawn, instead we go for 'one or two' down the local, and instead of 2 week boozy package sun holidays, we have one week relaxing holidays with other couples.

Having at least one day and one night off a week from your other half might be very useful.

metrovelvet

I cant see what peoples problem is with the OP taking a break. Relationships are hard work. We all take holidays from our work so why cant we from relationships.

A month is no time. Its nothing. You need to build space into the regular patterns of your relationship.

CathyMoran

Having been the person who thought the grass was greener being single and who in a longwinded way, broke up with my partner, I would really suggest more space, not a break. We both ended up seeing other people during the break and it still hurts me that I dated someone else and that he dated someone else. Sure, we are back together, getting married soon (touch wood), but I would not wish the past few years on anyone. Just my two cent. The post by WWM is excellent, I just wish that I had been given that advice at the time.

impr0v

If you ask for a break with this girl you will regret it in ways you can't even imagine now.

What you're feeling is natural and you need to find your own ways to cope with it because it will ebb and flow throughout your life with her, but what you have now isn't easily found again or rebuilt after the damage a break does.

Chucky the tree

CrisisTime wrote:

If I did decide to call a break i could only hope that she would still be there when the break came to a close. If she wasn't, well then I guess I would have blown it and it wasn't meant to be.
If something is for life then I dont think a month or two break is really going to make all the much difference.
.

Its risky. If she isnt feeling like this at all, she will be very thrown by you wanting a break and will thinking "maybe he doesnt really love me."

Why not take a holiday with your mates for 2 weeks? That way you get a break and she wont think there are any relationship problems. Or even start by going out 1 night a week on your own with your mates.

A break might not feel that big a deal to you. But go back to about a year into your relationship and ask yourself how you would of felt if she asked for a break?

connundrum

CrisisTime wrote:

If I did decide to call a break i could only hope that she would still be there when the break came to a close. If she wasn't, well then I guess I would have blown it and it wasn't meant to be.
If something is for life then I dont think a month or two break is really going to make all the much difference.
I think that a break might do her some good too.
Maybe its what we both need, maybe it would be the end of us, who knows, if we couldn't last a month apart then maybe its just not meant to be.
So many thoughts running through my head. I am confident that if we did part for a month that we would get back together afterward and be stronger then ever before because we would have had the opportunity to find outselves again, get back in with our buddies, and more importantly, remember why we got together in the first place, because not seeing each other for a month, for me anyhow, would be hard, and i think it would make me realise how much i miss her, and how much i lover her, and how much i never want to be apart from her ever again.

Ok so, ye go on a 2 month break and thats cool. What if you see someone else in the intervening time and she doesn't? Won't you feel like shiit. What if that situation is reversed and she sees someone and you don't?

Say it all does work out and ye get back together again in 2 months.. but what happens in a years time, when all thses feelings start piling up on you again? Will you wanna take a break then too?