Did I do the right thing?

GusherING

I would appreciate your thoughts and comments on this please.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for just over 18 months. Were both in 2nd Year of college. During 1st year, we always met up with each other 2 or 3 nights a week. This was my first proper relationship, and to an extent hers too. I feel that by the first 6 months we were in a pretty serious relationship. It continued like that till our 1st anniversary. Since starting 2nd Year in September, we have seen each other less and less, its about once a week, and our relationship has fallen back a bit. I don't feel the intensity we once did. I think thats down to both ourselves living very busy lives. For the last few months I've gradually felt that our relationship became one of just being friends, rather than girlfriend/boyfriend, but with the pretence of actually being girlfriend and boyfriend. The future seemed grim, as she would be going on an Erasmus in 2007, we were both going on J1 trips for this summer to different places and then when I'm back in college, my focus will be on finals . This all makes the status quo likely to remain.

At the same time, I don't know if I'm ready for a long term relationship, only since I met this girl has my confidence really developed, I feel I could really enjoy being a single lad in college. I know its selfish, seeing as my confidence has emerged from this relationship, to spurn the girl who gave me it. All I can say is that if I met her in five years time, when life would be stable and I have matured a lot more, then I know she'd be the one for me for life. Therin lies my conundrum.

Last night I rang her up and asked her is that description an accurate one. She said yes, I said to her 'lets call a spade a spade' and suggested we break up. I knew she would get upset, truth be told, thats the part that I've feared the most for so long and why I kept putting it off. I know that whatever the future holds for us, our relationship has a different dynamic. Its not like that we dislike each other, we do like each other, indeed I think she loves me. I just feel that I'm not being true to myself or herself if we keep this relationship going in the form it has taken for the past 18 months. Did I do the right thing?

LundiMardi

Yes you did do the right thing, don't worry about it now, what's done is done, it was never going to be easy but it seems that it's an amicable break, just be thankfull for that and enjoy...

Nuttzz

GusherING wrote:

I
only since I met this girl has my confidence really developed, I feel I could really enjoy being a single lad in college.

Far away hills are greener, having said that you were right not to lead the girl on if you felt the way you say you feel.

arbeitsscheuer

An incredibly mature and smart choice of action tbh GusherING.

You were honest about your own feelings and considerate to your now-ex-girlfriend's feelings. That's all ya can really strive to be.

LegacyUser

my and my boyf broke up 4 summer coule years back on J1. went out with other people. it was hard to get over but sometimes u just need to do these things. we now live together and are happier than ever

tbh

yeah you really did, and fair play to you.

Ag marbh

Was with my girlfriend for almost three years and done the same thing last Tuesday. Breakups are up there with one of the most stressful things you can do in life but acknowledge the good times had and it will get less painful each day.

mountainyman

good man very mature.

LegacyUser

Jeez, that post hits very close to home...
My girlfriend and I are going out over a year, and haven't been seeing each other too much lately, largely because I don't make the effort anymore. We're both in college, i have a bit of acne for which i'm on strong antibiotics, and they leave me drained. So between that, college, and work, I'm often drained. But that's not the only reason I don't make the effort... I just don't feel attracted to her anymore, physically or to her personality, and I find myself actually getting irritated listening to her. Surely not a good way for a relationship to be.

but as it is, you could say i'm "comfortable" at the moment. Since i have a long-term girlfriend, my friends, etc., don't expect me to be out trying to get stuck into girls in clubs and the likes, which I would like to do, but the acne kinda makes it difficult (it's not on my face, but my body, so it'll be a 'surprise' if we start getting more physical :rolleyes:). So she can be an excuse, in essence. But she's also really in love with me, and she tells me every so often out of the blue, I often think to make me feel like I *can't* break up with her, because she senses how distant I've become.

I've been feeling like this for months now, so I don't know how I let it get so bad... I think it's just cos I can't bear to upset her. We actually had a bit of a fight about 3 months ago, and I told her that I think we should break up, but she broke down in tears (as did I), and kinda kept saying 'no no no, [we'll keep going out]...', and of course I being such a wuss, agreed to give it another shot.

I don't know what to do... I know that the relationship is going nowhere, I'm not gonna be marrying her (she knows this, and we're quite young, so it's not expected), but would breaking up with her at this stage be the best idea, since it is leading her on? She broke up with her previous boyfriend of 2 years and started going out with me a few weeks later.



Sorry for highjacking your thread OP, but the situations are similar! I think that you did the right thing... I guess that means I should do the same. I am in essence using her to boost my own confidence and that's not fair.

GusherING

same_boat_man wrote:

Jeez, that post hits very close to home...
My girlfriend and I are going out over a year, and haven't been seeing each other too much lately, largely because I don't make the effort anymore. We're both in college, i have a bit of acne for which i'm on strong antibiotics, and they leave me drained. So between that, college, and work, I'm often drained. But that's not the only reason I don't make the effort... I just don't feel attracted to her anymore, physically or to her personality, and I find myself actually getting irritated listening to her. Surely not a good way for a relationship to be.

but as it is, you could say i'm "comfortable" at the moment. Since i have a long-term girlfriend, my friends, etc., don't expect me to be out trying to get stuck into girls in clubs and the likes, which I would like to do, but the acne kinda makes it difficult (it's not on my face, but my body, so it'll be a 'surprise' if we start getting more physical :rolleyes:). So she can be an excuse, in essence. But she's also really in love with me, and she tells me every so often out of the blue, I often think to make me feel like I *can't* break up with her, because she senses how distant I've become.

I've been feeling like this for months now, so I don't know how I let it get so bad... I think it's just cos I can't bear to upset her. We actually had a bit of a fight about 3 months ago, and I told her that I think we should break up, but she broke down in tears (as did I), and kinda kept saying 'no no no, [we'll keep going out]...', and of course I being such a wuss, agreed to give it another shot.

I don't know what to do... I know that the relationship is going nowhere, I'm not gonna be marrying her (she knows this, and we're quite young, so it's not expected), but would breaking up with her at this stage be the best idea, since it is leading her on? She broke up with her previous boyfriend of 2 years and started going out with me a few weeks later.



Sorry for highjacking your thread OP, but the situations are similar! I think that you did the right thing... I guess that means I should do the same. I am in essence using her to boost my own confidence and that's not fair.

Thats exactly how I felt. I really know where your coming from. Thanks for all the helpful comments everybody.

cupsoftea

I think you did the right thing. If your heart is not really in it, then its better to let thing go, especially when you know its what you really want anyway.

But for when you are much older, and maybe ready for a proper relationship, please do remember that intimacy doesnt' just happen. It takes nice nights out, romantic gestures and kind words and has to be continuously looked after. All couples will grow apart if they don't make time and effort to see each other and do nice things. And the first 6 months of every relationship will be the most intense and "couply".
Take care of yourself and enjoy your single years, they're great!