Nearly married

LegacyUser

Here is the story so far.

I am in my mid twenties have been engaged for nearly two years and am to marry the love of my life this summer.

We have been going out for more than six years and despite this have never had sex. We do play around and masturbate and I tend to give alot of oral but I don't receive alot or even any and am very frustrated.

I am at the point now that I would love to meet a random stranger and have sex all night. The love I feel for my GF is what stops me from doing it. i am happy to wait until after we are married for sex but would love to just have her suck me and cum and do sexual stuff which is fun but her appetite is very low, whereas mine is very high. It normally leads to arguments which are increasing of late and we often agree it is one of the only things we fight about.

i masturbate around twice to three times a day on average and would be lost only for the WWW and amateur porn!

Advice please.

eth0_

Are you not having sex for religious reasons, or does she just not want to?
Something could have happened her in the past that has made her scared of sex. You're getting married, you should be able to communicate about things before walking down the aisle.

Heyes

Firstly at least you are talking about it and both realise that it is a big problem. From what i can see and forgive me if im wrong but it looks like there s a lot of give from your side but your not getting a lot back in return. Before you get married you will have to realise that you both have different standards of needs and will have to accomadate each other to some exstent, and ensure that you are both happy rather than that been very one sided. As for having the one night stand, well in my opinion you would be out of your trees for doing that, what you have with your girlfriend is worth a lot more, so talk to her and explain everything of what your feeling.

LundiMardi

No sex. wrote:

Here is the story so far.

I am in my mid twenties have been engaged for nearly two years and am to marry the love of my life this summer.

We have been going out for more than six years and despite this have never had sex. We do play around and masturbate and I tend to give alot of oral but I don't receive alot or even any and am very frustrated.

I am at the point now that I would love to meet a random stranger and have sex all night. The love I feel for my GF is what stops me from doing it. i am happy to wait until after we are married for sex but would love to just have her suck me and cum and do sexual stuff which is fun but her appetite is very low, whereas mine is very high. It normally leads to arguments which are increasing of late and we often agree it is one of the only things we fight about.

i masturbate around twice to three times a day on average and would be lost only for the WWW and amateur porn!

Advice please.

DO NOT GET MARRIED!!!

Wait until all this is sorted out for your own sake!

Ruu_Old

Explain to her that you have needs and you want to make her feel loved also, communication is a problem here i think.

dudara

Do you think her sex drive is going to magically increase once you are married? Probably not, which is why you need to talk about this before you get married. Get therapy if neccessary, but getting married is not going to fix this problem, in fact it will only excarbate it.

Heyes

LundiMardi wrote:

DO NOT GET MARRIED!!!

Wait until all this is sorted out for your own sake!

Agreed unfortunately

Beruthiel

No sex. wrote:

but her appetite is very low, whereas mine is very high. It normally leads to arguments which are increasing of late and we often agree it is one of the only things we fight about..

are you not having sex because she want's to wait till you are married or is it just that she's not bothered?
I was married for 10 years, let me tell you now, that it will most definately not get better after you are married, it will get worse.
Sex is not the most important thing in a long term relationship, but, if it's not there to the satisfaction of both parties, I can tell you now that you're marriage is doomed.
I strongly advise you to sort this out before you decide to spend the rest of your life with this person, otherwise your marriage will be a very lonely place to be.

LegacyUser

There is nothing in the past that is the problem, we are both catholics, I don't see a problem having sex with the person u love but she feels strongly about it and I respect that, hell I have been totally faithful to this woman for more than six years. Would just love to have my needs fulfilled in some small way but no. Is it me am I being totally selfish? I am tending to slip into bad moods over this and often take it out on my GF by not being cranky and awful.

Airblazer

no sex in 6 years and you think you're selfish??

get a grip and get this sorted out before you get married..it'll be some other excuse then!!

Beruthiel

No Sex. wrote:

Is it me am I being totally selfish?.

are you mad!?
I couldn't last longer than 6 days, certainly would refuse to wait 6 months and wouldn't even entertain 6 years.

Hagar

No sex. wrote:

would be lost only for the WWW

I don't know how wrestling will be of any help in this instance.

airblazer wrote:

get a grip

That doesn't seem to be helping either.

All joking aside this is a very serious issue which you should address long before marriage. There is no reason to suppose that your GF will change after marriage and I am afraid that it will lead to tensions which will seriously affect you both as time goes on. Perhaps she has need of counselling for something in her past that she hasn't shared with you?

Zombrex

No Sex. wrote:

but she feels strongly about it and I respect that

Not to be too cynical in this day and age, and I don't know how religous your GF actually is, but I doubt it is that.

There are a lot of emotional and physcological causes for why a woman would not want to have sexual intercourse. In fact pain during regular sexual intercourse because the woman cannot relax (due to emotional issues with sex and imitacy) is seemingly the most common problem seen by councilors and therepists in Ireland with relation to sex. It is called something but I can't remember, but seemingly it is very common in women in Ireland (don't know if it is linked to Catholic guilt or what).

So I would be asking are you suddenly going to have a full blossoming wild sex life after you get married? Are all your gf issues with sex going to disappear and she is going to suddenly become a nympho to make up for the 6 years with you and no sex.

Something to keep in mind. I really think you need to talk to your girlfriend about this though.

seamus

As others have said, you're not guaranteed a nice happy sex life after marraige.
There are three possibilities:
1. You get married, sex is wild and great.
2. You get married, sex is good, but you both begin to realise that you have a lot of learning to do.
3. You get married, sex is OK for a while and then it becomes sparse. Cue frustration.
Obviously, 2 can eventually turn into 1. From the start though, you probably have an equal chance of scenarios 2 or 3 occuring.

As Wicknight touches on, it's possible she has some unresolved problems as regards sex, particularly in terms of giving. I would recommend seeing a relationship counsellor before getting married - even if you had a perfect relationship.

It is not going to all go away. And don't worry too much or feel guilty about the "random wild sex session with a stranger" thing. Most people think about it at some point, male or female.

the_syco

As the lads have said, she may have some past issue's.

Did she have a previous bf? If so, something may have happened, and if so, a counsellor maybe able to help her, as she may not trust you with the issue (no offense, but she may be frightened of your reaction).

Or, maybe sex hurt during a previous relationship, and she may think that she should wait a bit before she trys it again.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

Is she saying no to sex before marriage because of her religious stance on the subject? If so, you can choose to respect it or hassle her about it....but as you are due to get married in the summer, whats a few months after six yrs of waiting? (6yrs!!! :eek: BTW)

Apart from that issue - she doesn't really seem to be willing to compromise with regards to whatever sexual relations you do have - and after requesting you wait 6yrs for sex, that doesn't seem very fair to me....infact it seems a bit mean.....

As Seamus has pointed out, some women do have very low sex drives, some womens' sex drives diminish after marriage, children, etc, etc....but some don't - some women love sex even after yrs of marriage & having kids, so don't assume she will automatically throw you into the spare room as soon as the honeymoon is over! The bottom line is you need to discuss what is going on & how it makes you feel....if you are frustrated, you need to tell her that....if you feel worried that in the future you will still be frustrated, then you need reasurances from your fiance that this is not going to be the case.....

It is one of the major difficulties of not getting to try before you buy, as it were - is that there is a risk that there may be non-compatibilty, non-activity, etc, etc.....and you don't get to find out until it is too late....maybe you just need to hear your g/f promise that things will definately liven up once you are married! Best of luck

Miss Fluff

No sex. wrote:

We have been going out for more than six years and despite this have never had sex. We do play around and masturbate and I tend to give alot of oral but I don't receive alot or even any and am very frustrated.

I think it may be a good idea to go and see a relationship counsellor before going ahead and getting married. You obviously love her very much but any relationship should be two-sided and equal and it seems like there is a serious lack of give and take here.

Has she expressed her excitement at getting married and finally "doing the deed" as it were? I think you need reassurances from her that she intends to indulge in a healthy and fulfilling sex life with you....both your definitions of that may differ wildly and it's better to establish that now before throwing yourself into a lifetime of commitment, albeit a really frustrating and sad one.

Talk to her and establish what your hopes are. If she's unable to communicate with you, a counsellor may be able to help. As for indulging in a one night stand with a random punter to get your jollies, that's really not a good idea. You've waited 6 years and doing that would achieve nothing. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you

LegacyUser

No Sex, obviously you aren't 100% convinced that your gf is waiting for marraige. If you were confident that that is the only problem why would you be asking for advice just months before your marraige? It seems to me that you have doubts that this situation will continue into your marraige.

I am going unregged here as I don't wish for anyone to figure out who I am talking about. But recently a friend of mine ended his 25 year marraige. Shortly before the marraige ended he fell into a huge depression and went for counselling. During this he revealed that NOT ONCE in his entire married life had he and his wife had sex. When his counsellor suggested that suggested bringing her to a session and talking about it together she flipped out that he had told a third party about their problem and their marraige ended quite soon after.

While sex is not everything in a relationship, it is important. It brings an intimacy that is not possible without it. And also it is pre-requisit to having children. As my friend admitted that his wife would not consider fostering or adopting in case it led to a revelation about why they could not concieve naturally. So he was denied both sexual initmacy and children.

I know that this is an extreme case but it is more common than is admitted. Whether it is a problem with the man or woman it is something that needs to be dressed. Please, if you are at all worried that your partner's problem is anything more than religious belief try to work on it before you marry.

LegacyUser

Here's something to stir it up, I had a short lived relationship with a nice girl a while ago, but it didn't work out. One of the reasons?
We had sex a few times, but it was a tight fit, and painful for both of us.
Even if we had been perfect for each other in every other way, I don't know if we could have worked past that.
Lucky I didn't marry her.....

oulu

She gives you no oral at all and you give her any mount, I love giving and receiving oral , so for me I would not have married my wife if I knew she was not into giving head, as I know I would look for it else where, she knew this brfore we got married but does enjoy giving and receiving oral, I think you should have a serious chat before you get married, because when married and you are in a position to get head od a girl you might just take it and this would not be your fault your wife would have to share the blame

tinkerbell

No sex. wrote:

We do play around and masturbate and I tend to give alot of oral but I don't receive alot or even any and am very frustrated.

First of all, her reasons sound a bit warped to me, in that she is "waiting to have sex after marriage". Eh, what does she call oral sex then?

The whole sex after marraige is all types of sex, be it oral sex or full penetrative sex. It just sounds like a stupid excuse to me. It's ok for her to receive oral from you but then won't return the favour or put out? Having oral sex is almost having proper sex.

I reckon you need to sit down and talk to her because it sounds like she's being totally unreasonable. She says she wants to wait, yet why is she letting you give her oral then?!