Poem

manonthemoon

Me and Cato’s Daughter

I

A wild southern night
A meeting in the city alone
Dirt papers fly as the Oldest Band in the world plays one last song


II

Shops and Bars turn to look
Neon Reds nod their heads
Saturday’s Queens huddle up close to watch some boy and girl


III

Over green bottled gutters
Along exhausted streets
Walking with her, I am the millionaire who gave everything away


IV

Whispers through the trees
All the heroes are dead
A first kiss outside the Orient Hotel. And when we kiss, the wind stops

shiv

Intriguing..
It has an unusual rhythm, I like it.
I think you could lose the very last sentence, it would make it stronger.

manonthemoon

Thanks Shiv,

I am still working on that last line alright. I am tryin go get "the wind stopping" and a "first kiss" into the same sentence. (Its a true story!)

shiv

How about

"A wind-stopping first kiss outside the Orient hotel"?

Silent Grape

much praise for this poem.

what about leaving out 'and when we kiss' and just leave it

'the wind stops'.

its a great poem though, but that last sentence takes something away from the whole tone.

'A wind stopping first kiss outside the orient hotel' is a baaaaaad move

manonthemoon

I think I have it finished will post on Monday

shiv

Silent Grape wrote:

much praise for this poem.

what about leaving out 'and when we kiss' and just leave it

'the wind stops'.

its a great poem though, but that last sentence takes something away from the whole tone.

'A wind stopping first kiss outside the orient hotel' is a baaaaaad move

You don't have to sound so sheepish, it was only a suggestion

manonthemoon

Cato

I

A wild southern night
A meeting in the city alone
Dirt papers fly to the wind as the Oldest Band in the world play one last song


II

Shops and Bars turn to look
Neon Reds nod their heads
Saturday’s Queens huddle together to watch some boy and girl


III

Over green bottled gutters
Along exhausted streets
Walking with her, I am the millionaire who gave it all away


IV

Whispers through the trees
All the heroes are dead
We kiss for the first time at the Orient Hotel as the wind dies in the street

shiv

Well done on the final draft!
Just goes to show the author usually knows best!