Results from Day 1 of road safety conference

prospect

New Guidlines for Irish drivers:

1. Indicators will give away your next move. A confident Irish driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because somebody else will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with LH, MO, CN or MH plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the motorway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ireland during rush hour.

8. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

9. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ireland is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert!

10. It is tradition in Ireland to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

11. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windscreen right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

12. Remember that the goal of every Irish driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

13. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended

Alun

10. It is tradition in Ireland to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

Now, I'm no Michael Schumacher at the lights, but one thing I notice about Irish motorists (having only relatively recently arrived here) is how slow they are at moving away from lights, and accelerating in general. It's as if they're afraid of letting their engine rev at anything significantly above idle speed in case it blows up, and see getting into 5th gear at 30km/h as a fuel saving measure.

unkel

14. Don't bother applying for a driving test. You'd have to wait for ages, it costs money and it will only make you nervous. We'll give you a driving license anyway

15. Disregard any rules of the road. Due to structural capacity issues within the authorities, these are not enforced anyway

16. Don't believe any of the small print in your insurance contract. If you fook up, they'll pay anyway, and handsomely so

17. Don't be bullied. If you're driving at about the speed limit in the overtaking lane on the motorway and someone wants to overtake you, don't let them. They should not speed. Help the Gardai enforce this law by applying left foot brake or by any other means you deem fit to stop those aggressors

18. Never overtake any slow vehicles on single carriageways. You'll only save about 3 seconds in total time on your trip. If you have to overtake, wait for a bend or for an oncoming vehicle to make it a bit more exciting

mike65

hang on someome did this a week or so ago!

Mike.

Alun

Alun wrote:

Now, I'm no Michael Schumacher at the lights, but one thing I notice about Irish motorists (having only relatively recently arrived here) is how slow they are at moving away from lights

In the UK, traffic lights light up Red + Amber for a short time before they go green, rather than straight to green here. This might give the driver time to prepare to pull off?

Alun

ronoc wrote:

In the UK, traffic lights light up Red + Amber for a short time before they go green, rather than straight to green here. This might give the driver time to prepare to pull off?

I wasn't really just talking about reaction time, but the speed at which they pull away at when they actually get round to doing it.

dahamsta

19. If you drive something other than a BMW, bitch about BMW drivers because you can't afford one and have a small penis.

Pataman

20. Red means stop, unless you are one of the first 4 cars.

DukeDredd

Ken Shabby wrote:

19. If you drive something other than a BMW, bitch about BMW drivers because you can't afford one and have a small penis.

Hmmm - not too sure about that one. '95 5 Series ain't exactly the most expensive cars around.

Maybe it should go like this:

19. If you drive something other than a BMW, laugh at people driving really old BMW's who think they're the dogs b0llix.

unkel

Pataman wrote:

20. Red means stop, unless you are one of the first 4 cars.

May I refine that one a bit?

21. Red means stop, unless you are one of the first 4 cars going through and / or the time elapsed since turning red is less than 4 seconds, whichever happens first

Rovi

ronoc wrote:

In the UK, traffic lights light up Red + Amber for a short time before they go green, rather than straight to green here. This might give the driver time to prepare to pull off?

The standard joke among the 4x4 community there is that it's to give Land Rover drivers a chance to take up the slack

.

dahamsta

DukeDredd wrote:

'95 5 Series ain't exactly the most expensive cars around.

Humour. You may have missed it, given your response.

It's '93 actually. I'll be driving 5+ year old cars for quite some time to come, the whole new car thing befuddles me. Toilet, meet money.

Looking for a mid- to late-nineties LS400 atm as it happens, anyone selling?

adam

mike65

Dang computers should'nt be in cars!

Mike.

dahamsta

Honest John reckons tyres and exhausts cost a small fortune, so presumably that's why they come with an inbuilt drinklink.

adam

DukeDredd

Ken Shabby wrote:

the whole new car thing befuddles me. Toilet, meet money.

adam

Well if people weren't buying new cars there wouldn't be anything for you to buy of any age. Don't buy new cars myself but am delighted at all the new ones being bought - more choice for the likes of us over time!

Ken Shabby wrote:

Looking for a mid- to late-nineties LS400 atm as it happens

adam

Excellent choice! Beautiful car in every repect. Would do the same myself but just can't bring myself to pay the motor tax on a 4 litre.

dahamsta

DukeDredd wrote:

more choice for the likes of us over time!

God bless mammy and daddy and gullible people.

The market'll go utterly butterly when the SSIA's start maturing.

Would do the same myself but just can't bring myself to pay the motor tax on a 4 litre.

Errah, I'm already paying €800+ and I hardly drink these days, the money might as well be spent on something I enjoy.

adam

Seth Brundle

ronoc wrote:

In the UK, traffic lights light up Red + Amber for a short time before they go green, rather than straight to green here. This might give the driver time to prepare to pull off?

Our government ruled this out about 12-18 months ago IIRC.

MrPudding

kbannon wrote:

Our government ruled this out about 12-18 months ago IIRC.

I heard it being ruled out by one of the DCC traffic guys. He admitted that it would probably increase traffic flow but would not be implemented but to the level of red light running.

MrP

unkel

Ken Shabby wrote:

Looking for a mid- to late-nineties LS400 atm as it happens

There's a lot to be said for one of them, like they'll offer the utmost reliability, a super sound system and they're unbelievably quiet. Take one for a good spin first though, to avoid disappointment coming down from driving a BMW. Beauty & beholder and all that, but the looks of it was never inspiring and plain old now imho

dahamsta

I have to say unkel, I'd be more concerned about performance than looks. I've always though the LS has incredible presence on the road, with looks that date far better than, for example, the S Class. I think it's dated just as well as the 7 Series and the XJ.

(That assumes a clean example though, if they're anyway tatty at all they LOOK it, if you catch my drift, i.e. you'll get away with a slightly tatty Jag or Beamer, but not a Lexus. But I'd be going for clean anyway.)

adam

Archeron

unkel wrote:

21. Red means stop, unless you are one of the first 4 cars going through and / or the time elapsed since turning red is less than 4 seconds, whichever happens first

22. If you are a taxi driver, remember, the world is your rank. You are legally entitled to stop ANYWHERE you like, including on roundabouts, in the middle of cross roads, ambulance bays, and disabled spaces. On the rare occasion that someone doesnt realize you are entitled to do this, advise them you are a taxi driver by extending the middle finger of your right hand, and cursing at them profusely. They will in most cases apologize for their mistake and move on.

23. If you drive a muck truck, pay no attention whatsoever to any of the rules posted here. In fact, pay no attention to anything. Remember, if you hit something, chances are you'll be okay. This is why everybody else will get out of YOUR way, leaving you free to admire the wonderful Irish countryside.

24. If you drive a high powered executive car, and you are a bald middle aged business man, you actually DO own the road,and you are fully entitled to ram those annoying micra/punto/anything thats not as expensive as your car straight off the road. If you did not receive your certificate stating your new road ownership, contact your dealer who will be happy to help.

25. Always remember that it is considered rude to overtake only one vehicle on a bendy country road. Always strive to overtake at least 9 vehicles in one go, and always try to beat your personal best. Remember too that a hill AND a blind corner allows to increase your score by 50%

26. As the vast majority of Irish drivers are extremely short sighted, it is considered polite to always leave your fog lights on, even on bright sunny afternoons. People will appreciate your consideration for their poor vision.

27. Never under any circumstances should you allow a child to wear a seat belt. They will be much happier bouncing around on the back seat without a care in the world. And after all, we all know that accidents always happen to other people, not us, so there is no risk whatsoever.

28. Police cars have right of way. No matter what the circumstances. Once that shiny blue light comes on, its your job as a good citizen to get the fcuk out of the way. If you are in an indoor shopping centre and get hit by a speeding squad car, well it serves you right for having such slow reactions.

29. Lána Bus is written on many lanes throughout the country. This means BUS LANE, and this is a suggestion as to one of the many types of vehicle that can use this lane. They didnt have room to write all the vehicles in there, but also included is, people who are late for work, people who couldnt be arsed queueing like everyone else, people who havent noticed that they're even in a bus lane as they are too busy putting on make up or shaving.

30. Parking. Remember that car parks are only for those fussy perfectionists. In Ireland it is perfectly acceptable to leave your car in a place that suits you. Be this in the middle of the road, or nice and dry under a bus shelter, the important thing is that you dont have to walk anywhere. Should you be concerned about leaving your car in a place like this, simply turn on your hazard lights, the universal symbol for "Jaysus, I'm only going in here for a minute, for fcuks sake, whats your problem"

dahamsta

Archeron wrote:

22. If you are a taxi driver, remember, the world is your rank. You are legally entitled to stop ANYWHERE you like, including on roundabouts, in the middle of cross roads, ambulance bays, and disabled spaces. On the rare occasion that someone doesnt realize you are entitled to do this, advise them you are a taxi driver by extending the middle finger of your right hand, and cursing at them profusely. They will in most cases apologize for their mistake and move on.

22a. The light on your roof is there for a reason: Please turn it on and off randomly to keep prospective fares on their toes.