little help here?

LegacyUser

I need some advice- its complicated but ill try to be concise.

In 6th year I fell in love with a another girl in my class ( to my initial horror cos id had a few boyfriends before that and thought I was straight). Anyhoo, a year went by, I was doing a teaching course in college and I had become intensly paranoid and depressed because I hadnt told anyone yet. In contrast, my girlfriend's parents had no problems with it and I eventually had a freakout and dropped out of college and moved in with her and her family. My parents kept asking what was going on but I dodged all questions.

I tried to pull myself together and applied for a different degree and was accepted, I knew Id need financial help from my parents so I had to come out. I sent them a letter explaining it - it was really tough to say it in person- and I went to talk to tthem a few days later. To my surprise they said "we love you anyway... but we think your girlfriend has brainwashed you and its a phase... you can come live at home and we'll help you with college on condition you dont tell anyone else in the family..." my course was about to begin and I really wanted to do it so I went along with this thinking they needed some time to get used to the idea.

I couldnt have been more wrong- It's 5 years later now and Im about to finish college ( having repeated a year for various reasons), me and my girlfriend are better together than ever and I really believe we are made for each other. In 5 years my mother has never once mentioned it except to make snide comment s about how my girlfriend is influencing me, my dad has made a few awkward attempts to acknowledge her but is clearly trying to avoid it. Im so confused- I had expected them to either tell me they wanted nothing to do with me or adjust to the idea over time- but this just left me floating in limbo. I held up my end of the bargain and never told anyone else in the family- this has been really painful for me because my little brother is my 2nd most favourite person in the world and I feel increasingly uncomfortable and dishonest around him.

The thing is, after 5 years this shame and paranoia has become ingrained in me- all the way through college Ive been anxious and quiet in social situations even though I used to be pretty cheerful and outgoing. I certainly didnt advertise my sexuality , never joined the lgb society though I kinda wanted to, and never really formed a close friendship with anyone. And now my girlfriend has given me an ultimatim about this because its even affecting my sex drive and how I act with her around other people...

I know its coming to a head now and I need to change something but If I even try to imagine doing it I have an intense physical nervous reaction. Ive tried to come out to my brother a couple of times, but the words just wont come out of my mouth.
Its gone past the point of rational behaviour now and I dont know how to fix it... I suppose I just wanted to know if anything like this had happened to anyone on here and what( if anything) they did to resolve it??

(sorry bout the long post..)

energy69

Coming out, if you are okay with me using an analogy, is like the Leaving Cert. Its like this wall that you can't see past and have the worst possible fears of. Once you overcome it, you scratch your head and wonder what all the fear was about. It makes so little difference to most real genuine people what we do sexually. The people that are important will always be there for you. When I fell in love with another guy I wanted to scream it from th roof tops although my partner was far from able to let anyone know. It really hurt me that it had to be this secret because it felt right to me. The denial of it felt like an opposition to something that is natural. You are who you are and that is something to be proud of. Your parents will come around once they get over the obstacles they have in their head. You have being more than considerate and respectful to them and it is there time to accept you for who you are. Why live a lie for others! Stop pretending on their behalf. It sounds like their fear has become yours. Love it and let it go. You can and you will.

Very best of luck and remember there always people there that are willing to talk.

Hmm_Messiah

get counselling, not because of your "orientation" but because of the paranoid feelings you say have developed. You will need to re-learn behaviour and thats an awful amount to tackle by yourself.

Do what you know is the thing you really want, and the thing you really want for your girlfriend.

Tell your little brother, even if for now you have to ask him to keep it quiet. it's so cool that his your 2nd favourite, and even if he understands why this was kept from him ,some part of him will resent it, or at least he'll hurt. And there has been too much hurt here

That you found love, and that its enduring makes you very lucky, you shouldn't have all this crap to deal with. Explain that to your family. It might take a second difficult letter, but highlight how wonderful you should feel towards how you do in fact feel. THen confirm in person somehow the same thing, even if you only ask in person did they read what you wrote.

Don't be too hard on your parents, but also remember you've your own life to live, and its your responsibillity, if you hand it over to them for any more time, in the end how bad things are will become your responsibility too.

From the little said it sounds like your Dad finds this all difficult too, and would like it different but its hard for some people to accept your relationship. Maybe its the same sex thing, and how foreign that is to their world. Often its a sadness in their heart thinking their child whom they love will be forever childless, or end up unloved, isolated etc.

It may well be in this case that its actually a personality thing to a great part with your girlfriend. If so that makes it tougher in some ways, but parents don't get to choose who you are with. In the end parents should love you without condtion, So should your partner, so should you yourself.

But ideals don't always fit how difficult a simple life can be for some people. You've tried hard, you've been loyal to your parents. Five yrs later its time to respect fully your partner and your relationship. It may be difficult, but will be so transformative in levels of your own happiness. And you brother so needs to catch up and be included in the fullness of your life .

I don't mean to have all the answers, or to make them seem easy, its just you've accepted your feleings/reactions are distorted, and we need to cut through all the haze.

I hope it goes well for you . At the end of the day all you can do is love all the people involved as fully as you can without sacrificing your basic need to be healthy and happy . And like energy said, there are always people willing to listen .

PAX

Boston

Would i be right in saying that your mother made msot of the decisions with regards to your up bringing? It's just you seem more concerned with here reponse then your fathers. You've admitted that he has tried to take the first step, he seems to be the obvious place to start and build on, yet you haven't, why is that? Yes he probably doesn't want to talk about it, most fathers would be the same, but perhaps he's realised that he's missed out on a major part of his dauhters life, and now he wants to be a part of it. Allot of perents don't want to say the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all, it seems to be whats happening here. Have you tried giving them any rescources to help come to terms with it?

You also have to look at why it's so hard for you, do you really want to be out ? The promise, i think it a convient excuse, that allowed you to side track the decision.

grizi

Do you think you might be able to talk to him on the phone or show him around and introduce him to you friends, maybe he'll come to the right conclusion without you having to make a confession as it were. You do know how to fix it but you're just struggling to find the right way and the right time - my advice is the sooner the better. Other things happen in life too and it's better to have a clean slate in case they do.
In my own case I came out to my whole family and directly to all the friends I thought should be told directly. I'm glad I did because I was able to share my life with them and we've suffered a couple of bereavements in the meantime. I would be so guilty now if I hadn't said anything