She, my unknown beauty

This is a poem I wrote ages ago, waiting for a bus.. sitting down with my legs crossed and the notepad on my legs, as I feverishly wrote. Anyways, its slightly long, so apologises, but enjoy.


Don’t put me on this podium,
I’m afraid of heights, of falling
Into the uncertainness of life,
Lights blinking on and off, off and on
Blind me slightly, confuse my perspective
On the void which dwells within my
Heart and soul; waiting for She-
The one I’m yet to meet, to fill
This nothingness in which I awake.

Last night I saw her; her angel-like
Eyes peering into my soul, seeing me
In this new light, changing my life,
Reshaping my world, moulding it
To her liking. Her unknown beauty
Fills my soul with true joy.

And then I awake- Rain pattering
Against my window. I lie, unsure of
What is real, and what was that
Glorious dream, which partly remains
At the depths of my subconscious;
Glaring at me like some untold story,
Like some forlorn lover who knows
My pain, who knows the emptiness of my
Heart and soul.

I await for you, o’ heavenly angel,
O’ dearest one whom I have yet to
Meet, I await for you to free me
From this misery which I have found
Myself entombed.

I fall in love with you each time
I close my eyes, my heart belongs to
None but you. My soul speaks to
None but you.

Yet I am unsure as to whether I
Shall ever meet you, or have met you
And know you, and just don’t realise it.
And yet…
And yet I hold the image
Of you in my soul; You’ve embedded yourself
Under my skin, o’ one I am yet to meet.

Take my hands in yours, let me look into
Your angel-like eyes. Let me hear your
Heavenly voice, release me, release me
Of this passion and desire, for only your
Kiss can set me free.

I am like a caged bird waiting
For the key. Be my Aphrodite, be my
Eve, Be my Venus, set me free.
Love me like the angel you are,
O’ unknown one.

I want to awake in the morning sun,
And still see you, to be able to reach over
And hear your heart beat.
Then; my love, my unknown beauty,
This void, which I hold in my soul can
Be filled. Then I can truly awake
With a smile. I shall not have to
Fear the coming of the sun, which
Makes you a distant memory ‘til I
Can close my eyes and sleep once more.

Your smile outshines the morning sun
And the moon at night. Your eyes shine
With the beauty of a billion stars. Your soul;
So clear… so clean, grabs on to mine and
Sets me free, takes these bandages off my wings
And lets me fly…

I get lost in your eyes,
I end up in your soul,
And everything changes, everything gets clearer.
I feel happier as I float as free
As the clouds

But then I awake yet again, heart feeling
Like lead, staring at the roof and wondering
And wondering …
Is she really out there waiting for me?

Blush_01

I'm sorry, I have the attention span of a flea with ADD at the moment, but while I liked what you were doing, I drifted off at about half way through and started muddling around in my own head. I think that while the words you use are great, you need to work on the structure of the stanzas, otherwise it'll retain that messy, confused feeling it has that you get from the way some of the lines are divided up. I know lots of that is down to poetic license, but it'd sound better if tweaked a bit.

I like what you're getting at though, and I'd love to see another draft of it with more focus on the sound as read, rather than from your own mind.

Blush_01

Blush_01 wrote:

I'm sorry, I have the attention span of a flea with ADD at the moment, but while I liked what you were doing, I drifted off at about half way through and started muddling around in my own head. I think that while the words you use are great, you need to work on the structure of the stanzas, otherwise it'll retain that messy, confused feeling it has that you get from the way some of the lines are divided up. I know lots of that is down to poetic license, but it'd sound better if tweaked a bit.

I like what you're getting at though, and I'd love to see another draft of it with more focus on the sound as read, rather than from your own mind.

That was basically the frame of mind I was in whilst writing it. Just random thoughts slushing around in my head.

shiv

I'd agree it needs to be tightened up--this would strengthen its impact.
Also, more original metaphors would make it stand apart.
I like the underlying feeling: the waiting, the what if, is-she-out-there, can-she-make-it-all-better hopefulness mixed with sadness.

Silent Grape

Thats the thing with poetry you have to work on them over time just like anything else. sure ill write things down all the time on the train or whatever, but wouldnt say it was a poem until it was worked on.

im not saying its not good or anything, just work on it like anything else before showing it. like if im working on a painting in college, i dont show people the first layering and then talk about it like its the finished product.

so random thoughts and words slushing round in your head arre the ideas behind what you have written, when you sit down with all these random ideas in front of you, then, with rational thinking, (ie, this sounds like a very twee cliche, lets not use it, or, i like how that sounds but maybe not there etc etc etc) you can turn a few feverish ideas and jumbled thoughts into a coherent and beautifully written piece, using a few well selected images.

also you change the style of writing and stanza shape all the time. is this deliberate? and the run on lines sometimes seem to have a pattern, then lose it, then regains it. i do like how it gushes, but it could gush like that in a much more powerful way. the way a poem is written is just as important and carries just as much message as the words you choose.

Good luck,
M