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Anyone wanna critique some of my early poems?

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  • 19-02-2006 11:42pm
    #1
    Patricide
    Registered Users Posts: 4,658 ✭✭✭


    Hey all i just looked at some of me early stuff the last day and i realised how little i knew back then an all but still i want yea all to critisize em for me.

    This first one is calld the unaswerable:
    Serving my food on a bed of arsenic
    Not even caring that it will bring me to my eternal slumber
    Although I receive steak
    You poison it
    While the other two were fed gruel
    But without disease
    Which is better I ask?
    A lonely life of great royalty's
    Or a poor life with family, with friends
    The question of personable preference
    The question without an answer

    This next one is called Doing Weights:
    I sit here
    A vacant stare
    I look around and see everything I want
    This should make me happy
    I am in good health
    This should improve my happiness
    But for some reason sadness beckons me
    The weight of the world pulling at my mind
    My body, my soul
    The strongest men cannot contemplate how heavy it is
    The weakest men cannot deal with it
    The strongest emotions overweigh all
    Big strong to small weak
    Both sexes
    Every racial and sexual orientation
    It does not matter
    No one does weights with the gods.

    Lastly We have apure:
    Apure the new emotion
    An intellectual one coming from heart brain and soul
    A death and a new beginning
    An old life destroyed in exchange for a pure state of mind
    This emotion you are not born with
    This emotion you must find
    A secret only music will show
    For yourself find this emotion
    Apure…

    Ill Post up some of my better newer stuff after a while im just plain ol lazy.Happy critisizing!!!


Comments

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    #2
    TerrorFirmer
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29,930 ✭✭✭✭TerrorFirmer


    They don't flow well, and don't read very well either. It's not that they are simple, just - they seem like someone trying too hard to construct something with false depth.

    Just my opinion though, for every one opinion there's another to counter it. :)


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    #3
    Patricide
    Registered Users Posts: 4,658 ✭✭✭Patricide


    Too true my good man, tis pretty much what i think of em now, theres just so much lacking, apure was just somthing that came to me it was never meant to be a poem more a metaphorical statement.The stuff i havbe worked on since is better but i still wanna perfect em before i post em up anywhere.

    Still though its good to hear some truthfull critiques.


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