What to do?

LegacyUser

I got friendly with this guy in college this year, fancied him from the moment I met him. And now that we've gotten to now each other so well I have serious feelings for him.I spent all before Christmas trying to pluck the courage to tell him how I feel but always chickened out. We get on great. But then after Christmas he tells me he has a girlfriend. So basically what I'm asking is should I tell him about these amazing feelings I have for him, even though he has a girlfriend? What is the etiquette for this? Just wondering if any one has any experience of this!

arbeitsscheuer

Frankly, I know it sounds sh*tty, but basically you're better off keeping those feelings to yourself, at the very least for the time being.
No good can come from telling him. He's in a relationship, and even if it was an unhappy relationship that'd still be no excuse to tell him.

Sorry darlin, I know it's sh*t, I've been there. Unrequited feelings are the worst.

It's sh*t, but that's life.

Victor McDade

Try to find out how things are between him and his girlfriend. Maybe he's not happy with her. But if it looks like they're good then you should probably back off and maybe put some distance between the 2 of you

X-SL

Drop hints, to let him know.. but don't screw up his relationship. wait til it's over

Vegeta

Tell him its not like he's married to the girl, don't let it fester inside of you. I know i go against what the others are sayin but once i was that guy and it would have made my life a lot easier to have known.

Don't ask him to break up with her just tell him how you feel and that you might have to distance yourself til you can sort your head out, at least that way you have been a real friend and honest with him. This sort of thing ruined a great friendship for me. I am still very happy with my girlfriend but now i'm down one friend which upsets me from time to time.

Talliesin

If he was the kind of person who could react well to such a revelation, you probably wouldn't be asking us here. Assuming they're monogamous, you want to keep quiet on it

LegacyUser

Talliesin wrote:

If he was the kind of person who could react well to such a revelation, you probably wouldn't be asking us here. Assuming they're monogamous, you want to keep quiet on it

I dont know how he'd react...I cant imagine him getting angry though...and yes they are monogamous. I dont expect him at all to break up with his girlfriend once I tell him I like him, I'm just wondering will I feel better that I've told him? Like will I look back and regret that I never told him or be happy that at least i told him even if it meant that we couldn't be friends anymore. (I suppose thats my biggest fear at the moment- seeing less of him will make it easier for me to move on but if i couldnt be friends with him I dont know what i'd do!)So has anyone been in my shoes before? And what did ye do?

DirtyDog

Tell him for gods sake, dont spend years regreting not telling him!!!

koneko

What good would it do to tell him? It will most likely just makes things more awkward. If he tells his gf then she'll probably act weird about it too and won't like him spending time with you.

Keep it to yourself, tell him if they break up.

AngryBadger

Don't tell him unless he's about to break up with her. I think you'll just destroy the friendship you do have, and any future chance of being together.

This is because by telling him you're essentially giving him a ultimatum, her, or you. If he chooses her you won't be able to stay friends, and if he chooses you it means he has to break up with her, which he probably doesn't want to do, and I imagine would wind up hating you for.

DirtyDog

Telling him clears her head, and lets him decide what or who he wants...if it was me I'd rather know than not. The friendship is already changed, you cant be friends and be in love with someone, it doesnt work

Vegeta

DirtyDog wrote:

Telling him clears her head, and lets him decide what or who he wants...if it was me I'd rather know than not. The friendship is already changed, you cant be friends and be in love with someone, it doesnt work

Dirty Dog is spot on, you cant just be friends with someone you truly love, it will torture you beyond depression. I am telling you right here and now tell the guy, i have been in a similar situation but from the other side. Your friendship is fecked anyway as if you cant be with him you'll have to put distance between you and to get closure to really begin the self healing process you'll need to tell him.

It doesn't matter that he's with someone, you're not asking him to commit to anything you are telling him how YOU feel. Honesty is the best way to treat these things. Please tell him, it will affect college too. I was ubder depressed for 2 and a half years over my situation. Fell out with a few ppl over it too. I wont even talk to one person over it. Which is not worth it, tell him.

DirtyDog

Vegeta wrote:

Dirty Dog is spot on, you cant just be friends with someone you truly love, it will torture you beyond depression. I am telling you right here and now tell the guy, i have been in a similar situation but from the other side. Your friendship is fecked anyway as if you cant be with him you'll have to put distance between you and to get closure to really begin the self healing process you'll need to tell him.

It doesn't matter that he's with someone, you're not asking him to commit to anything you are telling him how YOU feel. Honesty is the best way to treat these things. Please tell him, it will affect college too. I was ubder depressed for 2 and a half years over my situation. Fell out with a few ppl over it too. I wont even talk to one person over it. Which is not worth it, tell him.

Exactly what I was trying to say, just too busy to type it

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I can't help thinking if he had the same amazing feeling for you he would A) have ended it with his g/f or he wouldn't have told you he had a g/f & gotten to know you better to continue with the status quo to see how things developed between you.....

I always assume when a man says to a girl he is friends with, that he has a g/f - he is actually setting boundaries within that friendship & ensuring that the girl is harbouring no illusions as to what the friendship is & where it is heading.....often because he senses the girl has feelings that are over and above what he is interested in....

I think if you tell the guy that you have amazing feelings for him when he has given you no encouragement - in fact has discouraged you - then you may well be throwing away your friendship with him. If you think you can't be around the guy anyway unless there is more than friendship involved then you have nothing to loose but a bit of pride - and it may make you feel better & help you move on.....best of luck

AngryBadger

DirtyDog wrote:

Telling him clears her head, and lets him decide what or who he wants...if it was me I'd rather know than not. The friendship is already changed, you cant be friends and be in love with someone, it doesnt work

No I disagree. if she was attracted to him then she should have made her move before he got with someone else. Just because she has feelings for this guy doesn't mean she gets to ruin his relationship with someone else, that's totally selfish IMO

This has been done to me before, and I wound up writing the person involved off as being a complete bitch

Ickle_Magoo wrote:

I always assume when a man says to a girl he is friends with, that he has a g/f - he is actually setting boundaries within that friendship & ensuring that the girl is harbouring no illusions as to what the friendship is & where it is heading.....often because he senses the girl has feelings that are over and above what he is interested in....

Magoo is a lady who knows what she's talking about.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote:

OP,

I can't help thinking if he had the same amazing feeling for you he would A) have ended it with his g/f or he wouldn't have told you he had a g/f & gotten to know you better to continue with the status quo to see how things developed between you.....

Yeah, I'm not a complete fool really,(although sometimes i do think i am!). I do understand that the fact he has a girlfriend, makes it obvious that he doesnt like me. I know this.

Ickle Magoo wrote:

I always assume when a man says to a girl he is friends with, that he has a g/f - he is actually setting boundaries within that friendship & ensuring that the girl is harbouring no illusions as to what the friendship is & where it is heading.....often because he senses the girl has feelings that are over and above what he is interested in....

This post is really good. Made me really think about things from a whole new perspective. But has really made me think-god, my head is f****d up and i just dont know what to do to make me feel sane again.The easiest option is to just not tell him ever and continue being friends. Because not being able to talk to him is just unthinkable.

Ickle Magoo wrote:

If you think you can't be around the guy anyway unless there is more than friendship involved then you have nothing to loose but a bit of pride - and it may make you feel better & help you move on.....best of luck

I'd hate to think I was a person that couldnt be round someone unless there was more than friendship...I never thought I'd be like that. I like him as a friend too. Its just I have feelings for him more than friendship too.

AngryBadger wrote:

No I disagree. if she was attracted to him then she should have made her move before he got with someone else.

I really should have told him before he got with her, but fear of rejection was just so overwhelming. Now, its not even that rejection is a possibilty, its a certainty. I dont know why this makes it easier to tell him, but it does.

Thanks for the replies--keep 'em coming! I still dont know what to do...kinda verging on the side of not telling him. although DirtyDog nearly convinced me!I do really think that my happiness should come first, and if telling him and losing him makes me happy then I'll do it. But if not telling him and remaining friends with him does i'll do that. I just have to decide. But i cant decide!

Kell

collegegirl wrote:

So basically what I'm asking is should I tell him about these amazing feelings I have for him, even though he has a girlfriend?

That, my dear, depends on how grown up you all are about it. I say "why not". He may decide "Fúck it, I like the OP better than I like my GF" or he may not.

If you can deal with him saying he likes his GF more then you, then go ahead. If you think you cant, dont. Kell's motto- nothin ventured, nothin gained.

K-

Dr. Loon

Ickle Magoo wrote:

OP,

I can't help thinking if he had the same amazing feeling for you he would A) have ended it with his g/f or he wouldn't have told you he had a g/f & gotten to know you better to continue with the status quo to see how things developed between you.....

I always assume when a man says to a girl he is friends with, that he has a g/f - he is actually setting boundaries within that friendship & ensuring that the girl is harbouring no illusions as to what the friendship is & where it is heading.....often because he senses the girl has feelings that are over and above what he is interested in....

I think if you tell the guy that you have amazing feelings for him when he has given you no encouragement - in fact has discouraged you - then you may well be throwing away your friendship with him. If you think you can't be around the guy anyway unless there is more than friendship involved then you have nothing to loose but a bit of pride - and it may make you feel better & help you move on.....best of luck

Ahh... clarity. Heed this persons words.

DirtyDog

collegegirl wrote:

I do really think that my happiness should come first, and if telling him and losing him makes me happy then I'll do it. But if not telling him and remaining friends with him does i'll do that. I just have to decide. But i cant decide!

Look after No. 1, no one else will - tell him and clear your head.

singingstranger

Definitely tell him. It's happened me a few times before; I can't explain the regret that you'll have if you never do.

Anyway, it's definitely possible to be friends with someone you like/liked/were in love with.

tonyinuae

I don't see what harm could come from telling him - if you feel you would really regret not doing it. Why would he get all upset, even if he doesn't have those feelings for you (and it looks like he doesn't)?

If he's adult enough to handle the situation, and is very fond of you as a friend, he will treat the matter with delicacy and discretion. Whether you want to continue to see him on a friends-only basis will be entirely up to you, I should think.

The question remains, however: If you're sure he doesn't return your feelings ('rejection is now a certainty'), really what is the point of telling him at all? Over time your feelings are bound to change, you won't stay in love forever while he's in another relationship. You could just wait for the situation to change by itself, naturally over time. Couldn't you take a break from him, just for a while, for the sake of clarity?

athena 2000

collegegirl wrote:

Thanks for the replies--keep 'em coming! I still dont know what to do...kinda verging on the side of not telling him. although DirtyDog nearly convinced me! I do really think that my happiness should come first, and if telling him and losing him makes me happy then I'll do it. But if not telling him and remaining friends with him does i'll do that. I just have to decide. But i cant decide!

I can see how this stuff has driven you mad.:)
But really, you should take a break for some clarity like Tonyinuae suggests. If you make a decision now, you'll beat yourself up about it later. With this mindset you'll play the "if only" and "why did I?" game and either make your friends want to stab you or tape your mouth shut.

Of course you could confess your feelings, he'll throw his girlfriend overboard, grab you and sail away to happy breezy island...
which would be great, but not likely.

Consider waiting and telling him if they break up.

I think you should tell him.

I mean whats the worst that can happen? As other posters have said, you are already on a one way ticket to misery if you like him that much but intend to keep it a secret.
It will do your head in.

It could be you know that he does like you but like you he was too shy to do anything (that could be the case regardless of whether he is normally cócky or not)

He's not married to this girl is he? They've only been going out a short time so you dont know but that it was her that did the running for him.
It's also possible that he's either given up on you(If he's not confident enough thats a feeling that can easily take over) or that he thinks, hey I'll go out with another Lass and maybe that will get her(you) to say something (It rarely does)

So Go for it.
I doubt he'll react badly but if he does, you will see another side to his character Or he could be very supportive.
Either way I think you should find out and nip this in the bud ASAP.

Vegeta

well collegegirl did ya tell him?????

If he's recently aquired this girlfriend then go for it
its worth your while letting him know

if they are together longer than 3 months leave it