Am I being selfish?

CarlyAna

I'm sorry I have to give a lot of background info in order for you to fully understand the situation.
I've been with my husband for about 4 years and we just moved to Dublin from The US. He had been there 14 years, i had been there for 10 years. For the last 5 years I haven't been able to go visit my family who live in Venezuela (I couldnt leave the US until my immigration process was done). My parents did come to visit a few times, but my sisters couldnt go. SO I havent seen them for that long. They dont know my son and I dont know one of my nephews. We keep very close over the internet and talk almost every single day. To say I miss home and my sisters wouldn't even begin to describe it. Just when my permanent residency over there was finalized, we moved to Dublin, so I dint have time to go to Venezuela.
Now we're in Dublin, I could go anytime. Well, I'm pregnant and wont be able to travel after April. So that would give me a 2 month window to go see them. Now the issue is the antenatal care and delivery is going to cost us around 4000 Euro plus we need to buy a car and pay his mother back some money she lent us to get us started here (she's in no hurry to get it back, 3 months to pay her back would be fine). That's fine, my dad is paying for half the delivery fees and we can afford to pay the car and his mother within a month or 2. My dad has offered to pay for my ticket to go to Venezuela because they're so desperate to see me and the baby. Still my husband says I cant go because if he cant pay his mother back all of the money before I leave, she's going to think we used her money to pay for my trip. His mother is extremely unreasonable as she is getting old and he thinks she wont understand my father paid for my ticket. My husband also claims that we need to respect her feelings because she's helped both of us now with that money, while my father's paying for the ticket only helps me. Well, what about the 2000 for the doctor? He's also given us as much money as his mom is lending us before and we didnt have to give it back, he gave it to us as help, to BOTH of us. I failed to mention that money when we were having this argument, I had forgotten about it even though it's only been a few months ago. So my father HAs helped BOTH of us before with same amount of money she's lent us. He's also going to pay part of the doctor's fees and the plane ticket for me and the baby (husband cant go he just started new job) and it is a gift. So I have to sacrifice going to see my family because his mother wouldnt understand my dad paying for the ticket? He thinks I should just wait until after the second baby is born to go and that way we can all go together, but I have waited so long already. I dont know what else to tell my family as to why I'm not able to go this April. They're helping us with the expenses, paying for the ticket, and I am not working at the moment. They're jus as eager as I am to see each other. I can deal with my own feelings if I have to wait until September or so to go, but I dont want to break their hearts and tell them they have to wait yet another 7 months or so for me to go, specially if I dont even have a good reason not to go in April. I've even begun to think there's another reaosn why DH doesnt want me to go. BTW, in the last 3 years, my husband went to his country to visit his family twice and his family went to visit him twice also.
Am I being selfish for wanting to go now and not wait until Sept-Oct to go?

justsomebloke

all i can say is enjoy your holiday and go as soon as you can.

It is up to your husband to explain to his mother that your father paid for the ticket, it just sounds like he is a bit of a chicken you won't stand up to his mother. Just think of the damage that has been done to your family as they haven't been able to see you in so long and yet he doesn't seem to care about this. If you can afford by yourselfs to go in september i say enjoy this holiday by yourself and enjoy another one as a family. If it has been so long since yous have seen them 2 trips in a year may go some way for you to get to know the family you haven't seen till now

Talliesin

Nah. Go.

Airblazer

definitely not...you haven't seen your family in a long family and your husband wants you to wait another 7 months or so..that's unacceptable on his part...
I'd sit down and talk to your husband..tell him how much your family misses you and how nice it would be for your family to see both your and your child..but from the sounds of it,it looks like he's only using his mother as an excuse and this is not the real reason..maybe he doesn't want you going himself..try talking to his mother and explain your situation although your husband might not like you doing this.

kellxor.1337

Who's idea was it to move to Ireland, Everybody on the board would prob agree that you deserve the trip back home, Since YOUR father is paying for the ticket and HALF the delivery fee, His mother shouldnt come into the argument,You miss your famliy and they miss you, You have every right to go, SO i think you should just tell him That your goin back home in April and there's nothing that can change your mind, Hell if he got to visit his family why shouldnt you,

Hope your pregnancy goes great, And here's to a Beautiful new Baby



Kellxor

AngryBadger

Doesn't seem a bit selfish to me. Presumable the money his mother has given you in the past was given with a view to helping you guys on in your lives, I fail to see any distinction between paying doctors fees, or going home to see your family whom you haven't been with in 10 years, or anything else for that matter.

I'm not suggesting anything drastic, but I think your' husband is being unreasonable.

CarlyAna

My husband always stands up to his mother, so I know that's not the real reason why he doesnt want me to go, that's just one of the excuses he's using. As far as whose idea was it to move to Ireland, it was both of us. He had been wanting to return to Europe for the last few years and we started planning the move 2 years ago.
I know he wants to go to Venezuela too, and I understand him wanting to make it a family trip in Sept or Oct, but he knows what it's like missing your family and I feel he should understand my desire to go in April. Since it's not really costing us anything, I think I can go in April and still take a family trip later on.
Thank you for all your comments and advice, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't the one being unreasonable. I'll wait a couple of days to give us both time to cool off and then bring up the issue again.

Miss Fluff

You are not being selfish or unreasonable chica. Your family have given you a lovely gift, a gift for you to come and see them. Go and see them, you've waited long enough. Try and get your husband and mother-in-law together and explain to them both that it's a gift, completely independent of any loan agreed with your husband's side of the family. I'd be interested to hear her opinions on it, sounds like your husband may be telling a few fibs and just not want you to go as Airblazer suggested earlier. Nobody could begrudge you spending time with your folks after so long apart. Hope you get to go and have a lovely holiday with your loved ones, always wanted to go to Venezuela, supposed to be gorgeous

mickymg2003

I'd go. Explain that your dad paid for the tickets and go.

tinkerbell

You're not being selfish or unreasonable at all. If anyone is being selfish and unreasonable, it is your husband. He should understand that you need to see your family and let you go. As for this stupid reason of saying his mother will be angry - well to hell with that! That's not your problem. She's not your mother, she's his mother. It's up to him to sort out that. This money has absolutely nothing to do with her, so just forget about her moaning and just go to see your family.

Hope you have a lovely time

ferdi

CarlyAna wrote:

My husband always stands up to his mother.

as do many sons, its natural, dont mind him or his mother, they'll get over it.

get yourself on a plane to Caracas at your earliest convenience and make your long over-due family visit.

Canis Lupus

YES YOU'RE BEING SELFISH!!!




*I just said that to be different

BeardyGit

I'd say this is between you and your husband to be honest. You don't sound selfish at all, but I'll risk a roasting by saying your husband doesn't sound so terribly selfish or unreasonable either.

I know your father has offered to pay for the flight and that's wonderful for you and your parents. But look at it from your husbands point of view - The two of you owe money to his mother and he could very easily get it in the neck from her if she doesn't understand very clearly that your dad is paying for you to go home and visit. That might sound like a cop-out but that depends on something else....

Do you get on well with your mother in law? If you're on shaky ground as such, is it possible your husband could be trying to avoid a deterioration in your relationship with his mother? Yeah, it might only be a small thing but I guess it could be possible. Have you both had to work your backsides off to get back to Ireland (I'm guessing so)? Maybe he really would like to take that family holiday together later in the year when you've paid back your debts. If your dad helping pay for the flights later in the year (instead of now) would make the difference between being able to afford the trip for all of you to Venezuela, after his mothers loan is returned, after you've had your new baby etc., then I wouldn't see it as a particularly selfish approach for him to take. He's not a bad bastard from the sounds of things and I'm sure his mam isn't that terrible either so try getting to the bottom of it with him before making your decision. Maybe all he needs is reassurance that both of you will visit your parents in the near future, even if you go now without him.

Just food for thought I guess.

Gil

funk-you

Its your family, just go. Fu(k the conmsequences with his mother, it doesnt really matter - you'll still be alive tomorrow.

If all else ever fails use the best two works on the planet : FU(K IT.

-Funk

CarlyAna

Gil Dub,

HIs mother lives in Spain, I have only seen her 4 times since I got married. She's old and very unreasonable and absolutely hates me for no reason at all. She's hurt by what his ex-wife did to him and takes it out onme. My husband knows thta and he knows we can barely stand to be each other more than a few days. He wants me to be the bigger person and try to understand her, but I dont think I have to give in this time. And yes, my husband is not bad at all, i thin he just actually doesnt want me to go because we are never ever apart. We've only been apart for 2 weeks since we moved in together, which was a year before we got married. We relocated to Ireland from Texas through his job. The company is paying for the moving, the tickets, the hotel, meals, etc. the thing is we are getting reimbursed, so we had to pay for it ourselves and are now waiting for the money from them. That's why we can pay his mother in amonth or 2.

Ickle Magoo

Hi CarlyAna,

Ok, you never complained about his 2 trips home, you were happily relocated halfway around the world (halfway around the world away from your family) and he knows how much you want to see your family but he wants you to wait 7 months so that A) he can go & so that you can continue the tradition of never being apart, and you're asking if you are being selfish?! :eek:

I'm sure your man is a lovely fella but he seems to be calling the shots and giving pretty sketchy reasons for not wanting you to go home....I live in another country from all my family & although I discuss with my husband (who is Irish) when I/we go to see my family - he would never tell me I coudn't go home or to hang on over half a year (!) because he wanted to come too, or blame his mother for puting barriers to travel up....I really don't think he is being fair at all.....OK, so you don't go until Sept.....that means he gets to go too & his mother is appeased....what about what you want?! I really can't understand the sentiment that he would happily have you missing your family (and them you) for another 7 months or so rather than explain something to his mother or spend a couple of weeks on his own.....he wants you to understand how his mother feels & why but he doesn't want to acknowledge how you feel & why.....it does sound quite selfish.....

Talk to him about what you have said here & maybe let him know that you feel he is really just looking after his own interests.....in fairness, he may not realise he's doing that at the moment......I can't see why you can't go yourself in April & as a family when the new addition to your family arrives....they are your family - no-one should stand in your way of seeing them as often as possible without a really good reason - and I haven't heard one of those yet.....best of luck