I'm such an eejit...

LegacyUser

Hi boardsers I have a problem that I should be shot for..
Here goes...

I'm going out with a girl 7 years younger than me, Me being 29, her 22. She's really gorgeous and to boot a really nice understanding funny unselfish person. I don't know what she sees in me, I dont bring her out and I'm always working. Her last boyfriend cheated on her and it took her awhile to trust in me. We're together 4 months.
The thing is I've got issues with dependency and such stuff. When I am on my own for a while I become very ambitious, motivated, and a workaholic. I get things done and pride myself on my drive.
She wants me to spend more time with her, which I cant, because I get emotional and lazy and become a messer in her company, and in that of my friends too. I think this is all spurs from being brought up in a co-dependent family. This effect on my mind lasts for a day or 2, no matter what i do.
To make matters worse, I come from an upper middle class background, her lower middle. Her family are the pub on sunday type, mine papers and healing from the week type. This is affecting my love of her aswell. This makes me a snob i know, but it affects me.
I dont know if i love her or not.I dont know if I want to or not. Ive been telling myself to hang in there and ride the wave till it crashes but I dont want to hurt her if it does. Am I a complete prick? Anyone relate to this?

BeardyGit

Sorry mate but you're asking for this.

Your post suggests that you are indeed a snob. Not a crime of course but certainly not a flattering trait, particularly when one appears ignorant enough to classify ones girlfriend based upon the weekend social pursuits of ones family. Doesn't one agree?

The very same post would also suggest that you're selfish and doing little more than wasting her time. Do you love her? I doubt it as I'd suspect one is too busy with the distractions of ones social standing.

I take it she's rather attractive? Perhaps you could have her stuffed and mount her head on a plaque over the fireplace.....


Really. You're 29 and you don't know if you love her? You're asking us if you're a complete prick? Man, we have the answers. And I think you know what mine are. Just in case you need it spelled out for you:

1. Grow up and be a man. Stop with the nonsense about co-dependency causing you problems. Stand on your own two feet and stop blaming others for you tendency to be a spoilt, lazy and selfish brat.
2. Dump her so she can spend her early 20's without you stringing her along. Don't dare suggest that you're doing this just to see where it ends up. You don't appear to have conviction in this 'relationship' so end it.
3. Don't EVER refer to your families social class as though it's a credit to YOU. You've written little to suggest "class" is an apt word to describe anything about you. Perhaps I'm wrong but I can only go on what YOU wrote.

And to answer your last two questions....

Yes. No.

Gil

magick

1. Grow up and be a man. Stop with the nonsense about co-dependency causing you problems. Stand on your own two feet and stop blaming others for you tendency to be a spoilt, lazy and selfish brat.

I choose 1

And to answer your last two questions....

Yes. No.

heheh....so true

sceptre

I wouldn't be as heavy-handed in replying as Gil_Dub but he's got a few good points in there.

I'm aware that I'm a namby-pamby liberal but even so, having problems with your relationship because your parents had X amount of money and hers have Y is far more dumb than having problems with a relationship because the people involved have X and Y themselves and (here's where the namby-pamby bit arrives) that's pretty silly too.

As for whether you love her or not (or want to or not), make up your mind and stop dangling her around. You could just talk to her about it (or the other stuff in the above paragraph) but assuming you're not going to, at least have the respect to treat her with respect and either drop the mental snobbiness or get out of the relationship and stop wasting her time - with one relationship where she was cheated on followed by another where the guy doesn't know if her sort is worthy of him she may need the healing time.

pbsuxok1znja4r

Okay, OP, I wouldn't go taking to heart what a certain Dub poster has to say, because I'm sensing a giant chip on someone's shoulder there. To be fair, you have come off looking reasonably humble. You've already admitted that it's probably snobby of you to feel that way, so that kind of criticism is kind of undue and uncalled for.

Anyway, if you don't like the kind of person you become in her company, then that's probably the clearest sign that the two of you aren't right together. Be who you want to be, above all else. If that means being alone, then so be it. Decide which you are happier doing, on the whole.

There's nothing wrong with not knowing if you love her or not, so long as you're not stringing her along by telling her you do.

As for the pub versus papers issue on a sunday, you are perfectly justified in having doubts about how suitable that is. This is not a question of class superiority, but rather one of class incompatibility. By this I mean that the problem would be just the same if you were the one from the seemingly "lower" class. It's only as big an issue as you yourself feel it to be, but it can matter. It's a factor in how much you have in common, etc


So, like I said, just assess what you yourself think you'd prefer doing, and whether there's a viable future with the two of you. By the sounds of things, there may not be.

No, you're not a prick. You seem to be fairly considerate of her feelings. Shame on those who said you were.

Yeah, so, hope you make the right desicion. Good luck to ye.

Canis Lupus

OP you list issues about your girlfriends/girlfriends family. You've been going out with her for 4 months. You either let these issues affect your relationship or not.

Are you a prick? Strong possibility, drives me mad to see the rubbish at the end of your post....

Anyway, you're 29 and surely grown up enough to decide on the future of your relationship.

Dragan

What makes you think you need to be in love with someone after four months??????

You can just be going out with someone without thinking about love and all the ****. You only need to like someone to go out with them you know.

Christ.

And yeah, get over your attitude, and yourself dude. It pretty obvious that all the work your doing and money your gathering is not making you happy, it's just distracting you from the fact that your not.

My advice : sort yourself out kid.

~Leanne~

For someone who is 29 you dont have much cop on! Your not even trying in this relationship, saying that she is lower middle class - so what.
You really have issues that you need to sort out and until then its prob best you stay single until you do - or this girl will get her heart broken again!

*Oul_Doll_Cork*

I agree 100% with Gil_Dub!

I don't think you deserve this girl, you can't give her what she wants. Obviously she isn't what you want so just finish it now and save yourself the hassle in the future!!
You might find some nice woman who doesn't care if she sees you from one day to the next! She will keep herself occupied during the day by spending your money on manicures and gucci shoes!! I'm sure you will be very happy!!!:rolleyes:

metrovelvet

I have found, that ultimately people do what they want and the rest is just excuses for it.

It sounds to me as you already know you dont want her and you are seeking validation for your reasons.

It is certainly better to cut someone free then to string them along and tie them to something that has no viability. If you do you are a time waster and valuing your time but playing with hers.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

You tell us this girl is 7yrs younger than you & she is gorgeous - and as a side issue you mention she is also nice, understanding, etc, etc....to me that speaks volumes....and perhaps also says why you are with her?

When you fall love someone you want to spend plenty of time with them....staring dreamily into space and loosing motivation goes with the territory....but congratulations on convincing yourself of reasons not to......

You are going out with her, not her parents so I can't see how their social persuits of a weekend are of any consequence....and yes, it does make you sound like a prick....

In short - I don't think you really like her, or at least not for the right reasons...I'd move on & let her do the same....best of luck....:)

MonkeyWrench

I think the safest thing for you to do is to end it sooner rather than later man. you will only end up hurting her even more if this is dragged through the mud for another few months. it sounds like you are making excuses for reasons not to like her, all of them pretty lame no doubt.

LegacyUser

Thanks alot everyone for the input. Seriously, it helps.

I change my mind on her every 15 minutes. I was single for a long time, self admittedly I dont think I'm very good looking, and not very funny. It could be a while before I find someone else.
You see its kinda complicated, Ive been torn between 2 different personalities for the last 10 years, mainly due to booze I think, and over the past 6 months I've been trying to get sober and sort my issues out, try to kill off the happy go lucky funny unselfish fool that has no clarity, and wild dreams of life. Then she just kinda came along, and we got together. As she was young and I was trying to keep her entertained, I slipped back down the rocky road of excess again, and my head clouded. So I had an honest chat with her that I was gonna have to go through a period of a few months at least in self rehabilitation, and I thought it best if we broke up for that time. She however, maintained that she wanted to support me through it and help me, and she has. She gives me an excuse to stay in at the weekends and avoid my mates, who to be honest, are just booze pals, good for a laugh but nothing more, and shes great to talk to. So it again makes it all the worse the fact that she has put so much in. Its valentines, and I'm gonna cook for her tonight but even still, the doubt about us will be seated at the table aswell.
Scouser Tommy, thats exactly it, incompatibility, not inferiority or superiority.
Her family are very nice people. I like them. Maybe I'm just scared. Ive never really been in proper sober relationships before.
Why cant I just let go! Live life without always worrying about other peoples judgements and opinions...
Is this all really a problem..or just a spoilt brat that wants to be left alone to his vices. I know that if I let her go I will go straight back to getting messed up every weekend and spending the weekdays in depressive hell again being underproductive... That says I'm selfish by using her though... How do I love her back!There are no answers to love and no way to work it out.. But absence does make my heart grow fonder of her.. is this a form of love?

Gil_dub - Hey its me your boyfriend! hehe

Ps I told her 3 weeks ago we should take a break, so we could see if we really love each other, but she started crying and told me she may not come back if I do that. So I just told her that we should cut down on seeing so much of eachother. Which we have, its only 3 or 4 times a week now.