What If Jack Bauer Ran A Starbucks?

aidan_dunne

Happened to stumble across this on another website earlier on and thought I'd post it up here. Gave me a chuckle anyway!



What If Jack Bauer Ran A Starbucks?

---

The camera pans up on a Starbucks counter in suburban Los Angeles. A strung out Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) stands at a cash register, looking non-plussed. A businessman in a suit, carrying a briefcase, walks up to the counter.

Man 1: "Venti Vanilla Soy Latte."

Jack: "There's no time for that! Here's a large coffee. Now gimme three bucks and you won't get hurt."

Man 1: "Umm, but what about my Soy?"

Jack: "F**k your soy, can't you see the world's in danger?"

****

A hip web programmer walks in and sees Jack at the counter.

Man 2: "Yo dude, venti 8 pump soy chai latte, dude."

Jack: "There.... Is.... No.... Time!"

Man 2: "There's always time for chai, man."

Jack: "We are runnning out of time. We can't stick to protocol here, you know I'm right and you'll just have to trust me."

Jack hands him a mocha and pushes him out the front door.

****

Jack goes to refill the milk jugs and finds them empty. He marches back to the storage area, where his co-worker is bound and gagged to a chair, looking panicked. He removes the gag and draws the gun out from the waistband of his black jeans.

Jack: "WHERE IS THE CREAMER!"

Employee: *whimper* "Don't kill me man, please!"

Jack: "WHERE IS THE GODDAMN CREAMER!"

Employee, crying: "I dunno man, this is only my second day."

Jack shoots him in the foot, Employee screams.

Jack: "We don't have time for this, just tell me where the creamer is before I really snap!"

****

Jack is holding a clipboard, looking at the manifest for his supply delivery. A swarthy delivery man is moving boxes out of his truck into the supply room.

Jack: "Wait a minute. There are only six boxes of latte flavour bottles here."

Delivery man, in accent: "I bring what I have."

Jack: "Don't give me that, I know what the chart says, you're supposed to have eight boxes for me."

Delivery man: "I know what I have, I have six."

Jack: "I've got the Interpol overnights RIGHT HERE! It says EIGHT!

Delivery man: "SIX! I have six!"

Jack draws his gun.

Delivery man: "SIX!"

Jack grabs him and pushes him into the corner and puts the gun to his head.

Jack: "Now, I know what protocol says, and I know what I'm feeling right now, and I know they're different. Don't make me kill you."

Delivery: "Seven?"

****

Jack is cleaning the counter when he spots that the guy in the corner is still there! He storms over to the guy and slams shut his iBook, narrowly missing the guy's fingers. Jack hurls the table into the wall and yanks the lurker out of his trendy chair.

Jack: "WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?"

Guy: "Wha.... what? Nothing. I'm just chatting!"

Jack: "You've been here for SIX HOURS!"

Guy: "This is my OFFICE."

Jack: "No, this is MY STARBUCKS! [takes his gun out and puts three rounds in the guy's iBook] NOW, WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?"

Guy: "I'm writing a novel."

Jack: ....and I'm the President! [shoots him in the foot] NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE UP TO!"



Makes you wonder, though, what Jack would be like running other businesses or working in different jobs. I think it would be fun if we started coming up with a few ideas ourselves, don't you?

Sparky

and then i ask myself, if jack went to Iraq would the war be over?