Am I being unreasonable?

LegacyUser

God, I don't know where to start! Well, I suppose from the start would help!!!!...
I met my boyfriend almost 2 years ago, we really hit it off from day one we got on really really well. He was really into partying when I first met him and took drugs at the weekends, he told me after a few weeks that he wanted to get out of this lifestyle for a while and it made it so much easier for him that I wasn't into the drug scene as much as he was. So he came off the drugs, well he tried at least but found it very difficult and had to go to NA meetings a lot. Our sex life became non existant.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, our sex life is still crap! In other words we never have sex!!! We are both living at home so never really have anywhere to go but anytime I suggest that we head off somewhere he makes excuses that we don't have the money...
His mother died a few weeks ago and he has been even more distant since.... I'm trying to be understanding and I'm really going out of my way to please him but I feel like its a complete one way relationship.... when he calls to my house he just go's straight on the computer while I'm in another room watching tv. If I come in and speak to him he practically ignores me and if I make any signs of affection towards him he makes a face and pulls away and sighs!
I came into a bit of money last week and I gave some to him to settle some debts that he had, I didn't think anything of it as we have always shared everything and I think he would do the same for me. There was a few hundred left over that I needed to pay my car insurance and he had it in his pocket when he went to the pub with his friends the other night....
..... He took the car with him and parked outside the pub. I was going to collect him later on in the night but I rang him and he said he was in his friends house. I asked right away how he got to his friend's house because he has a habit of taking the car with him after a few drinks and I am completely against it! So he told me they walked (his friend lives about 10 minutes walk from the pub!) I had a feeling that he was lying so while I was dropping my brother into town I drove past the pub and didnt see the car. So I called him and questioned him about it!But he wouldn't tell me where the car was parked!!! He was really pissed off when I collected him he insisted that we go and see where the car was parked to proove that he didn't take it!! The car was parked about a mile from the pub, closer to where his friend lives!!!! I knew straight away that he had driven the car there and hurried back to his friend's house before I collected him!! He also had all the signs of someone after taking 40 lines of coke! I didn't confront him about the car or the coke because I thought he is going through a tough time and I didn't want to make matters worse..... the next day though I asked him for the money for my car insurance and he said he must have lost it when he was out the night before! I still didn't say anything.....
So we were going to head out tonight with another couple.. I was at home getting ready as us girls do and just when I'm ready to go out the door the phone rings and it's my boyfriend!! He said he wasn't feeling up to it and he is going to relax for the night. He sounded really down so I just said fine and didn't let him know I was upset we weren't going out. I called him a half hour ago to see how he was feeling... he completely led me to believe that he was at home but I heard a car in the background and he told me he was over in the local with his stepdad! I was a bit shocked because he wasn't feeling up to it when he was going out with me.... but he said he just went for a quiet drink with his stepdad and it's really upsetting for him because it was the pub his mother drank in so everyone is buying him drinks and all his mother's friends are there....So again, I don't say anything because I don't want to upset him more!!
Now I know for a fact he isn't seeing someone else!!! He wouldn't do that to me!! The thing is though I don't know how much more of this I can take.... I am feeling completely unwanted and unloved but at the same time I feel so selfish for wanting attention from him when his mother has just died.... am I being completely unreasonable?? Should I confront him about everything?? I just don't know what to do, I don't want to give up on our relationship because I do love him to bits.
Please help!
P.S. Sorry for the long post. Sorry if it's a bit hard to read!

py2006

Wow, I read all that!

Its definitely a tricky situation! The only thing I could advise is sitting him down sometime and talk through everything!

Obviously it is a difficult time for him after loosing his mother but it sounds to me like he has had alot of issues prior to this!

It sounds like he really needs to talk to somebody! Not only yourself but perhaps a councelor.

Could he be suffering from depression? It sounds like it.

WhiteWashMan

get your money, get your car, and get out.
he isnt willing to heal himself and he wont let you help.
the only person who can get him to work it out, is himself.

meanwhile you will just stay by his side, getting lied to, getting the p1ss taken out of you and being used by a junkie who cant seem to get a grip on his life.

he is leeching off you, he is drgging you down. sure, his mother died, and life sucks, but you are not responsible for his position. only he is.
and if he is lying to you about drugs and drinking and making excuses to not go out with you, what makes you think hes not fúcking someone behind your back as well?

get your books and your bags, and get out.

Chinafoot

unloved1 wrote:

So again, I don't say anything because I don't want to upset him more!!

Stop doing this for a start.

If it was me I'd take a major step back and leave him to sort himself out. He's doing drugs, drink driving and lying to you about it all. Maybe he is reacting like this over the death of his mother.....maybe (and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh) but maybe he's using this as an excuse to slip back into his old habits.

I'd give him some space. Don't give him money, don't let him come to your house to ignore you and stop being a doormat.

Only he can sort himself out.

lazydaisy

Your what they call THE ENABLER. You are facilitating his disfunction and self destruction and killing yourself while you're at it.

If you love him - that is you want to see him independant and healthy - then you must leave him.

And you dont know for a fact that he's not seeing someone else. If hes that high and drunk hes not sure himself.

Sorry honey. I know its tough but you have to do this for both of your sakes.

I agree with everyone here - get your money etc and get out of there asap.
He comes over to your house just to go online? Takes your car and money and lies a lot? Nuh uh. Leave.

py2006

WhiteWashMan wrote:

get your money, get your car, and get out.
he isnt willing to heal himself and he wont let you help.
the only person who can get him to work it out, is himself.

meanwhile you will just stay by his side, getting lied to, getting the p1ss taken out of you and being used by a junkie who cant seem to get a grip on his life.

he is leeching off you, he is drgging you down. sure, his mother died, and life sucks, but you are not responsible for his position. only he is.
and if he is lying to you about drugs and drinking and making excuses to not go out with you, what makes you think hes not fúcking someone behind your back as well?

get your books and your bags, and get out.

Sounds harsh! I was reluctant to give that kind of answer but your probably right!

Exon

You sound like a nice girl, why do you love him? He's a d!ckhead. Dump him by the sounds of it you could do much better..

Shabadu

Look- I know you feel that he won't be able to survive or cope without you, and that he needs you. He doesn't. He'll be happy just to suck the life out of you untill you have nothing left. If it's not you, he'll just find another person to do it to. He is not going to change, or make any step on the road to recovery, irrespective of his bereavement. Get out sooner rather than later.

Miss Fluff

Sounds like he's back on the coke and used your insurance money to pay for it. Not the way to be treated by anyone, irrespective of what's going on in his life at the moment. Agree with WWM, get your money, your car and get out.

franksm

I think the name you picked says it all: unloved

You're obviously an intelligent person with a good head on your shoulders, and this guy, I'm afraid to say, is a scumbag - nothing more and nothing less. There are plenty of lads out there who would be lucky to have you as a girlfriend. Best thing for you to do now is to get out and start afresh as far away from this guy as possible. Unfortunately because of the money thing, it might act as a magnet for him, what with his drug habits and all, so be strong and keep being strong.

LundiMardi

WhiteWashMan wrote:

get your money, get your car, and get out.
he isnt willing to heal himself and he wont let you help.
the only person who can get him to work it out, is himself.

meanwhile you will just stay by his side, getting lied to, getting the p1ss taken out of you and being used by a junkie who cant seem to get a grip on his life.

he is leeching off you, he is drgging you down. sure, his mother died, and life sucks, but you are not responsible for his position. only he is.
and if he is lying to you about drugs and drinking and making excuses to not go out with you, what makes you think hes not fúcking someone behind your back as well?

get your books and your bags, and get out.

Thread closed!!

OP - You're being played for a fool!! Cop on a bit and get out while you still can.

ando

I agree with everyone. You need to get out of that situation