rant

LegacyUser

ok honest opinions wanted here .i dont want to resolve anything but just want some opinions and maybe a guys insight

.my friend has a baby last summer and is coping quite well...she had been going out with a guy about 9 to 10 months and she had felt the relationship was getting a bit tired it was not like they were gonna get married but she had a lot of time for this guy..anyway he dumped her once she told him ..he pays maintenance but has never seen this child nor has no interest in doin so ..its not that he is afraid of my friend wanting commitment as she made this clear to him that she didnt think they wud b good together ..i find this just horrible esp when i see this child.. i think that life is way too short for this ...i know this has happened to plenty other ppl besides my friend but really how can ignoring ur own child this b really justified ..i know im not really in a position to judge as im not a guy but why !! sorry this is so all over the place but its upsetting me today . has anyone ever been in similar sit

py2006

I can't really advise you on this one as I have never been in this situation!

I guess if he doesn't want to be part of the childs life there is nothing that can be done about it. At least he is contributing financialy!

Perhaps, he will come around to it one day!

Lux23

He may come around to it but it will be far too late. Im surprised he is actually giving her any money.

Kiera

I met a guy in a bar a few years ago and we swapped numbers. We ended up txtin each other non- stop for about a week and at one stage I asked him (was kinda joking and kinda fishing) how many kids he had. He told me he had one but that it wasn’t a problem as he had never seen him and had no intention of ever seeing him so the baby wouldn’t get in our way.

I deleted his number straight away!

Maybe the guy had his reasons, I’ll never know. All I do know is someone as selfish and heartless as that could never be right for me.

Your friends ex will get whats coming to him!

hepcat

Are both young? Perhaps he is scared of having a kid at a young age? Maybe she could talk to him again, and in a non-confrontational way get him to see that he may hugely regret ignoring his child later in life. Other than that, no-one can make him have an interest in his child. At least he is being a responsible guy in one way, by paying maintenance. Did she not know his feelings on the issue before she went ahead with the pregnancy?

py2006

Kiera wrote:

I met a guy in a bar a few years ago and we swapped numbers. We ended up txtin each other non- stop for about a week and at one stage I asked him (was kinda joking and kinda fishing) how many kids he had. He told me he had one but that it wasn’t a problem as he had never seen him and had no intention of ever seeing him so the baby wouldn’t get in our way.

I deleted his number straight away!

Maybe the guy had his reasons, I’ll never know. All I do know is someone as selfish and heartless as that could never be right for me.

Your friends ex will get whats coming to him!

Perhaps he feared you wouldn't want to go out with him if he had a kid! Perhaps he does see the kid but only on weekends or whatever! But played it down so you wouldn't be put off. Not saying you would be or anything but its a genuine fear that single parents have. I could be wrong though!

Kiera

py2006 wrote:

Perhaps he feared you wouldn't want to go out with him if he had a kid! Perhaps he does see the kid but only on weekends or whatever! But played it down so you wouldn't be put off. Not saying you would be or anything but its a genuine fear that single parents have. I could be wrong though!

Single parents might be afraid of telling someone of the opposite sex about their child which i understand but never once would they say "but its ok coz i have nothing to do with it so it wont get in the way"

Ickle Magoo

It really depends on lots of things....

Did he want to be a father & changed his mind? Was she supposed to be taking care of contraception? (9-10 months is long enough to expect to be able to trust your partner to take the pill or whatever....), did they discuss what they both wanted (morning after pill/abortion) after the event or did she just tell him to cough up maintenance?

It's a tough one.....on the one hand it's a crying shame that any child should have to grow up without knowing their father and it's sad that your friend is now a single mum and won't have the help of a loving partner (or at least not the father of her child) to help her out physically & emotionally....

On the other hand there are so many methods of contraception available these days that there really are very few "accidents" and most accidents can be prevented by taking the morning after pill - most pregnancies are due to carelessness.....I feel quite sorry for men whose partners get accidentally deliberately pregnant and try to force them into fatherhood.....incidentally, not knowing the details of this case, I'm not trying to insinuate anything about your friend....

Ultimately when a (hetro!) couple have sex you have to acknowledge that pregnancy is always a remote possibility and if the pregnancy is a genuine accident & abortion has been ruled out, both have to own up to their responsibilities - financially and parentally.....the law can make him pay but it can't make him want to be a Dad.........

py2006

Kiera wrote:

Single parents might be afraid of telling someone of the opposite sex about their child which i understand but never once would they say "but its ok coz i have nothing to do with it so it wont get in the way"

Yep, not the greatest thing he could have said!

LegacyUser

hi tks for responses

this was definately an unplanned pregnancy on my friends part and her boyfriend at the time ..they were both 22 when it happened and she was not on the pill for her own reasons but he knew about that and was ok with it


..she did consider abortion but decided against.. he disagreed with this she also did try in a non confrontational way to let him know he was welcome to come and visit or whatever but he told her that wud not b happening and that was it ..
.i mean i cud understand him having the right to choose but why really wud u go on pretending like it hasnt happened ! i cant get my head around it .

im not tryin to get him back maybe she is better off with him gone ..im just upset about it

LegacyUser

Sounds like my own father. He ran away from everything, including me when I was born and only paid my mother maintenance once. He has never seen or spoken to me since then and I don't think he has any intention to. What really gets to me is that he left me notes and sent cards up until I was 3 saying how much he loved me etc. but never once bothered to see me. And even now, 20 years later, when I give him a chance to see his own child (after much searching for him), he is still ignoring me.

People who abandon their children like this should be lined up against a wall and shot. It absolutely disgusts me. I feel sick and so angry at myself that I actually tried to contact him now because he doesn't and never deserved it. It has made me want to be a better father myself one day.

OP - it cannot be justified. Don't waste you time thinking about this low-life uncaring scum. Be happy the child has a loving mother.

Oh and some advice - advise the mother never to "hush" up the subject of this child's father. Let him know if he asks where his dad is and why he doesn't want to see him. It will save much heartache down the road.