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A poem. Honest feedback appreciated!

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  • 07-02-2006 12:06am
    #1
    frobisher
    Registered Users Posts: 2,413 ✭✭✭


    Honey Lung

    A bit of my writing:

    Honey Lung.

    When you breath I hear the sound of honey lung.
    And when I lie upon your bed
    and I stare upon you sleep,
    from your ears eyes and mouth I watch lung honey seep.
    I soak it up with cotton that I carry in a jar,
    rub it on my body,
    twice upon my pleasure scar.
    It drips around my organs,
    thick and gold and sweet,
    slowly engulfing my face until I can no longer see,
    and now I am with you,
    now I can join you.
    In sleep.

    This is the first of my poems I've put in front of anyone, feedback appreciated!


Comments

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    #2
    hullaballoo
    Administrators, Entertainment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 18,722 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭hullaballoo


    Beautiful.


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    #3
    manonthemoon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 570 ✭✭✭manonthemoon


    Yummy & sexy. Well done


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    #4
    Gross Halfwit
    Closed Accounts Posts: 451 ✭✭Gross Halfwit


    Ehm...the visuals are somewhat disturbing. Sounds like someone has quite a bad chest infection.

    "Pleasure Scar"? Fricking "Pleasure Scar"?!! If this is in reference to what I think its in reference to then that is the worst metaphor for it I've ever heard.

    If this is the calibre of your work...I'd stop writing. Sorry.


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    #5
    manonthemoon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 570 ✭✭✭manonthemoon


    Gross Halfwit wrote:
    Ehm...the visuals are somewhat disturbing. Sounds like someone has quite a bad chest infection.

    "Pleasure Scar"? Fricking "Pleasure Scar"?!! If this is in reference to what I think its in reference to then that is the worst metaphor for it I've ever heard.

    If this is the calibre of your work...I'd stop writing. Sorry.


    And just what is the calibre of your work, Gross Hlafwit?


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    #6
    Lothaar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 473 ✭✭Lothaar


    I like this poem. I agree that it seems to have a disturbing undertone, but I like that.


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    #7
    Gross Halfwit
    Closed Accounts Posts: 451 ✭✭Gross Halfwit


    manonthemoon wrote:
    And just what is the calibre of your work, Gross Hlafwit?

    The name is Halfwit, not Hlafwit ... oh the irony. As for your query, I need not prove the calibre of my work to give opinion on someone elses. If I was comparing my work to theirs then it would be a different case obviously. Poetry is a matter of taste, not education nor experience with the medium. I like what I like and I didn't like that.

    Case.
    Closed.


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    #8
    Sarky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 31,967 ✭✭✭✭Sarky


    You have heard of being civil, right? One more post like that and I kick you out until the calibre of your manners improves.


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    #9
    frobisher
    Registered Users Posts: 2,413 ✭✭✭frobisher


    Thanks for the feedback.

    Halfwit: Quote ""Pleasure Scar"? Fricking "Pleasure Scar"?!! If this is in reference to what I think its in reference to then that is the worst metaphor for it I've ever heard."
    I asked for honest feedback but thankfully I'm not too sensitive about what I write! Not everyone is the same and writing is a very personal thing. Maybe be careful about what you say to others about their work. Or not bother.


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    #10
    slinky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 57 ✭✭slinky


    A good effort. I liked the rhythm of your poem in particular.


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    #11
    Thomas_S_Hunterson
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,151 ✭✭✭Thomas_S_Hunterson


    The word "organs" just isn't in keeping with the mood of the poem,


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    #12
    pisslips
    Closed Accounts Posts: 833 ✭✭✭pisslips


    Whats this, only comment when it's supportive!?
    anywho, I liked it until we reached the word "JAR", which goes nicely with catch And scar, but after that to me this poem became more of a thing that ryhmes and less of a thing of beauty.

    Honey lung, is great though, What a great pair!


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