Advice on Breaking Up

LegacyUser

Ok - going unreg for this one.

My girlfriend is away at the moment, won't be back for three weeks. I've decided though that I want to break up with her.

I'm very unsure when I should do it because I don't want her to be any more upset that she has to be. (It's not going to be easy for me either).

I feel like a bit of a phony cause I know I'm going to end it but am putting on a brave face so to speak until she comes back. I don't want to break up with her over the phone because, well, it's just not all that nice really.

I'm just not sure how to go about it though. Should I wait a few days before she's back or do it pretty much as soon as I see her. She's coming home and straight over to my place.

Any advice would be appreciated. We've been together for 2 years and I have a lot of respect for her so no 'just dump her, who gives a **** if she's upset' comments thanks.

I do realise that it will be hard but I just don't want to cause any more upset that is neccessary.

LegacyUser

Just make sure you have an answer ready for the 'But, WHY??' question that she will ask lots of times.

No need to pile the hurt on, hell you could even hold back if there are a lot of reasons on your side. Hopefully those reasons for breaking up are some problems that you two have talked about before, unresolvable, and won't be a surprise to her.

cheekyass

try and be sensitive, put yourself in her position if at all possible, how would you like to be treated if it were her breaking up with you!?

Good Luck!

BeardyGit

Just be as honest as you can without hurting her feelings. She might say she wants to know the truth but chances are you'll only hurt her if you're really honest with her. Give her enough that she knows you want out - But not enough to leave her feeling she's the problem.

If she's coming straight over to you when she gets back from her trip, make arrangements now that you want to talk with her about something so not to make plans for the two of you to go out. She might sense something's wrong, and that's okay. Better that she be prepared for *something* rather than walk into the dreaded "You're dumped" conversation.

Also, if you're breaking up with her - DON'T give her any hope. DON'T answer her calls or texts with anything other than a brief and direct reply indicating that you're sorry she's hurt but you have to be honest with yourself. You'll probably feel guilty that she's upset but if you give her any hope that you still 'care', she'll cling to it and it's only going to hurt her more.

You've a nasty little task ahead and I guess your post shows you're not being a winker about it. If it's come down to this, stand by your decision and don't mess her around. Sorry, I know I'm going on about it but too many of my mates mess girls around in the hope it'll make it easier on them - It doesn't.

Oh, yeah - make it quick.

Gil

Gaillimhtaibhse

Try using the Golden Rule? Do unto her as you would want her to do unto you, if the roles were reversed? Perhaps in that way you can still stay friends?

BeardyGit

Gaillimhtaibhse wrote:

Try using the Golden Rule? Do unto her as you would want her to do unto you, if the roles were reversed? Perhaps in that way you can still stay friends?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

Sorry - I know you're offering comforting advice but you can't remain/stay friends. It's possible in a few years time you can become friends *again* but everyone has to understand that you CAN'T stay friends with someone you've just broken up with, out of the blue. It doesn't work and we'd cut down on the size of the PI archives if people just got this into their heads.

If you're dumping her, you're dumping her. The "Let's be friends" finalé should be left for teenagers and american soap operas.. Adults have too much invested in relationships for this approach to be relevant.... I know there are *rare* exceptions to the rule but you (OP) sound like you're in a text book dumping situation. Follow through and keep your eye on the ball.

Gil

py2006

Gil_Dub wrote:

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

Sorry - I know you're offering comforting advice but you can't remain/stay friends. It's possible in a few years time you can become friends *again* but everyone has to understand that you CAN'T stay friends with someone you've just broken up with, out of the blue. It doesn't work and we'd cut down on the size of the PI archives if people just got this into their heads.

If you're dumping her, you're dumping her. The "Let's be friends" finalé should be left for teenagers and american soap operas.. Adults have too much invested in relationships for this approach to be relevant.... I know there are *rare* exceptions to the rule but you (OP) sound like you're in a text book dumping situation. Follow through and keep your eye on the ball.

Gil

Prepare to get your face bitten off for saying that!

I agree with you but I said something similar before about it being impossible to be friends after a breakup and all hell broke loose!

Usually if two people are trying to remain friends its false and awkward and usually one of them deep down hopes they will get back together!

murfie

I think Gil is right on the money with this one, and if all hell does break loose they don't know what they are talking about or were in past relationships where they did the dumping.
Coming from the other side its impossible to be friends as you are always clutching onto that slim chance they might change their mind. So to the OP, listen to Gil, very enlightened!!:D

omb0wyn5ehpij9

Gil_Dub wrote:

You'll probably feel guilty that she's upset but if you give her any hope that you still 'care', she'll cling to it and it's only going to hurt her more.
Gil

Best piece of advice ive read on this forum in a long time. You don't sound like a prick, you don't want to make it harder for her, so fair play to you. But do NOT give her false hope, it will hurt her even more, trust me

LegacyUser

tell her and then get out of there quick fast. text her and see how she is in two days time. dont get drunk one night, ring her up, and go over to her place and scoring her. that will only give her a glimmer of hope and you dont want that to happen as it will be cruel on her. I just recently broke up with my girlfriend too. hope it goes ok man

xXxnaoisexXx

i think you should first talk to her about your problems and why you feel you want to brake up with her........ unless your just bored of her because if you are just end it when she comes over

stol3n_lif3

no matter wot way it works out within a relationship.. it always ends up the same..

you both get hurt..

its easy to say "i can do this.. i'm ok".. when reali deep down inside u jus wanna curl up in a ball and die... I've recently been dumped by a girl i loved so so dearly.. and it came as a shock to me..

We had the greatest relationship.. i loved everything about her...

one day.. we lay cuddlen.. tellin each other how much we loved each other..
the next minute.. she burst out in tears and told me she couldn't be wit me anymore.. that things were moving along too quickly, she wanted to see the world.. i was deeply heart broken.. and still am... but i still love her...

am i wrong?