Scared about the future

I think the title says it all. I'm in a job I'm not happy with and am planning to hand in my notice soon. However I don't think I'd be happy getting another job in this area. There's very little to do and because I'm 5 miles from a town I'm housebound as I don't drive.
My family left Dublin in July 1996 and since then I've always had a vision in my mind that Dublin is a brilliant place and life would be so much better up there. Whether its true or not I'm still here almost 10 years later because I'm just too afraid to break out of my comfort zone and make the move. I keep thinking "where will I go?", "what job will I get?", "will I end up in the wrong crowd or encounter bad people?" It overpowers me.

I'm seeing a clinical psychologist soon as its suspected I have Asperger's Syndrome (and difficulty adapting to change is one of the main signs). But is there anything I can do to make the change easier for me? If I don't do anything now I'll still be here in another 10 years.

Airblazer

get off your arse...get a car and learn how to drive..
christ's sake..there seems to be a new name for lack of motivation and sheer laziness...

optiplexgx270

REAL helpful there Airblazer :mad:, having said that learning to drive and getting a car isn't a bad idea.

Maybe visit old friends in Dublin, Spend weekends and look for jobs while up there etc.

Airblazer

Airblazer wrote:

get off your arse...get a car and learn how to drive..
christ's sake..there seems to be a new name for lack of motivation and sheer laziness...

Laziness has nothing to do with it. Do you ever get a feeling of major anxiety when you're about to do something you never did before? If not then you don't know what I'm going through and your comments are best kept out of here.

rsta

Hey karsini
im on your side, i understand about the anxiety and comfort zone thing, its scary to make a decision to change all that is safe and known... but if u want to get on and make a new path in your life you are going to have to try to embrace change....
it is a good idea to learn to drive. are you living with your folks? maybe one of them could lend you the car or teach you? its very liberating to be able to drive. i just recently passed my driving test and me and my sis ripped up the L plates in celebration!

democrates

Good for you for posting here, clearly a sign of someone who wants the current situation to change, and that's the first step. Change can cause fear, usually because it entails uncertainty. Fear of the uncertainty usually means fear of not being able to handle a new situation, and that's perfectly natural. All species have the innate instinct to tread carefully. Humans weren't always top of the food chain!

The fact that you worry about what crowd you get in with suggests low self esteem. Mark this, you choose your friends, don't let them choose you. If you think about it, why be worried about who you cross paths with? If you build your self-confidence, it won't matter who they are, what they think or say, because you are your own person and you'll only do what's good and right for you. Here's who I am and how I operate, and I apologise to no-one for it.

If you're staying in dublin for the nightlife and you drink, a car won't necessarily make much difference to the socialising, though it can be cool for feeling you can do what you want when you want, be it shopping, going for walks, to night courses etc.

I assume you're single or at least not in a rewarding relationship. If you were, geography wouldn't matter so much. And maybe low self esteem is tripping you up in exploring that avenue. Maybe joining a club, doing a night course or what not would be good ways to start testing the water.

Seems to me your main objective is to build yourself up, be good to yourself, value yourself, and be assertive with others. Don't let yourself be easily swayed. We all have to make our way in life, including you. If you are contemplating a move, do your research, for jobs, accomodation, nail all that down and minimise the uncertainty.

but make a decision now, I won't be as I am now in ten years, step by step I'm going to sort my main issues and put in place the building blocks of a happy life. And enjoy it, it's a great journey!

Esel

Hey Karsini, you didn't say how old you are?

Do you have any close relatives in Dublin? Or close friends?

Don't hand in your notice until you have formulated a definite, realistic plan. Are you sure there is no other type of work available - which you might get more fulfillment from?

You should talk about these issues when you get to meet the psychologist.

Take things easy!

Ignore the Airblazerheads.

Ickle Magoo

I think everyone is scared of change to a certain extent......it just depends on your motivation.....ok Airblazer is neither very polite nor very explanitory in his post but I agree that learning to drive would be a good start in giving you some freedom - I also agree that motivation drives us to make changes and if you haven't made any changes, it may well be a motivational issue (NOT neccessarily laziness, however!)....how much do you REALLY want to move back to Dublin? Try writing down all the issues you have with moving (job, friends, etc) and then write possible solutions for each of them....now you know the possible problems and you know how to solve them, what have you got to stop you now?!

Sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith and see what happens....if we all thought the worst that could happen in every situation nobody would ever do anything.....try assuming you will get a great job, make great friends & have a ball....and talk it all through with your psychologist - they will be able to give you much better advice than any of us....best of luck

democrates

democrates wrote:

The fact that you worry about what crowd you get in with suggests low self esteem.

Yes, I've been fighting depression for the last 5-6 years so my self esteem isn't very good, never was.

democrates wrote:

I assume you're single or at least not in a rewarding relationship. If you were, geography wouldn't matter so much.

Also correct. I've never had much luck with girls. I never understood why and that fuelled my low self-esteem, kept wondering if I was ugly or whatever.

esel wrote:

Hey Karsini, you didn't say how old you are?

lol, sorry about that. I'm 21.

esel wrote:

Do you have any close relatives in Dublin? Or close friends?

All of my relatives live in Dublin, only my parents and siblings live here in Kerry. But my eldest brother lives in Palmerstown, he moved back up to Dublin in 1998 as he hated the area. I also have one close friend, we were friends in primary school and stayed in touch since. We meet up any time I go up there.

democrates

You poor divil. Depression since around 15. It's not right.
So you're looking back and thinking what a waste of years I should have been having a ball, comparing it with other people of the same age, and the thought of the next ten being the same is really freaking you out. It's almost like you have to grieve for that loss, the life you believe you should have lived.

But in fairness those years can't have been a total write-off, no doubt you've achieved experience in work/college and matured a good bit. And who knows where another path might have led, you could have got married and divorced, killed in a car crash or what not (as my best friend was). You're still here, you've survived, and anything is possible in your future so by that measure you've salvaged quite a bit

Without offering instant diagnosis on the basis of a couple of posts, I'd place my bets that the low self esteem is the main issue to tackle, and the fear of change asparagus syndrome thing is a symptom of this. If there are other traumatic issues from your past that you don't want to mention here, chances are they are the wellspring of difficulty. Deciding not to think about something does not equal dealing with it.

A lack of self-confidence can develop over time. Small things can feed off each other, and you stop doing the things that make you feel good. Even if it's not Shakira or 7 of 9, you can chat to girls but leave it at that because in the back of your mind you now believe you are not likely to keep a good relationship going.

Getting a girlfriend right now might seem like a tall order, yes you could make youself do it, but if you still don't feel good within yourself would you be confident in the relationship lasting? Some definitely could, if you get the right girl and she's supportive, your confidence gets a boost, you have more fun, a virtuous circle, but if you get the wrong one, she could make things harder, no pun intended. I think the easiest step forward might be to get yourself feeling good again, then start chatting up girls and flirting for the crack, just to enjoy the company.

For the best future, there's a certain type of counsellor who specialises in changing from self-defeating thoughts to building confidence, anyone know out there what this type are called? A few sessions at that might help you get your thoughts in order. And actions follow thoughts, as you heal your mind, you can improve your life. Know you can do it, know you've got happy days ahead. You deserve it God damn!

AARRRGH

Look. Stop blaming other things for your problems. Forget about this disease, forget about the depression, forget about the "what ifs?". You're just holding yourself back.

Airblazer isn't totally incorrect: you have got to take responsility for your situation and get off your arse and do something about it.

I always say this, but it really works...

You gotta start with the basics.

Change your diet to healthy food.
Join a gym and get strong and healthy.
Take better care of your appearance (hair, clothes, skin, personal hygiene.)

Take up some social hobbies.

MOVE TO DUBLIN. It's not difficult. You won't hang out with the wrong crowd (I have no idea why you're worrying about this.) There are plenty of jobs in Dublin. Finding a flat is difficult, but with some work you'll sort something out. LIVE IN THE CITY CENTRE. Do NOT move to a depressing suburb.

Make an effort to cure your ****-with-women problem. It won't magically fix itself. Women are not aliens. They're women! Nice, gentle, need-love women. All you have to do is talk to them, listen to what they are saying, and try to make them feel nice about themselves. It's amazingly easy to meet someone in Dublin. The people who can't meet someone are not trying hard enough. I'm an average looking guy, a bit of a wanker, yet I still find it hard to not meet women.

Stop making excuses. Take control of your life. Worst case scenario you can move back to Kerry or whatever. But that won't happen. Get a job, get a life, take care of yourself - physically and mentally, force yourself to meet people. It'll click into place.

Complaining about your situation won't change it. JUST DO IT!!!!

Edit: my girlfriend, from a tiny tiny town in France, moved to Dublin with NO FLAT, NO ENGLISH and a rather naive/innocent personality. She survived. You will too.

Beruthiel

perhaps you should get that book "Feel the Fear and do it Anyway"
that's how all of us grow in confidence and self esteem, by doing things we are scared of and realising that it didn't kill us

Mexicola

Airblazer wrote:

get off your arse...get a car and learn how to drive..
christ's sake..there seems to be a new name for lack of motivation and sheer laziness...
__________________
Sig??? Couldn't be arsed!!!!

Look at your sig ffs. You plonker. :rolleyes:

Nevyn

Mexicola unhelpfulposts, off topic post and insulting other posters will get you banned from this forum.
Do read the charter for this forum and abide by the rules while posting.
Die dulci freure
Thaedydal

Miss Fluff

Karsini wrote:

I'm seeing a clinical psychologist soon as its suspected I have Asperger's Syndrome

Have you read The Curious Incident of he Dog In the Night-time? If not, do.

skywalker

Like has already been said, getting a car & learning to drive would be one of the best things you could do to bridge the gap for yourself before you take the plunge (or to help decide if your gonna take the plunge).

Spend a couple weekends up with your brother/mate & learn the lay of the land, spend a sunday afternoon with 1 of them in the car & drive around dublin so your a bit more comfortable with the place.

Also realise that if you do move up & are driving you can always go home to kerry for the odd weekend.