Tip of the Day!!

Little Miss...

So anyone who has a tip that may come up usefull in our daily lives...please share...for example, mine is :

If attacked by a badger....try and get a hold of a twig nearby and break it as the badger will think he has broken a bone and should go away

falipo

always wipe the toilt seat first even if u think theres nothing on it

Mr.Nice Guy

Little Miss... wrote:

If attacked by a badger....try and get a hold of a twig nearby and break it as the badger will think he has broken a bone and should go away

Is that true? Seems a bit dodgy. I think I'd just kick the badger in the balls.

Little Miss...

It's what i heard anyway.....hey...try it...and let us know k

Ruaidhri

Elephant and pig DNA dont splice.

Crucifix

Mr.Nice Guy wrote:

Is that true? Seems a bit dodgy. I think I'd just kick the badger in the balls.

An old teacher of mine told us he used to stuff his wellies with charcoal to create that crack on badger bites when going rabbit hunting.

Binomate

Little Miss... wrote:

So anyone who has a tip that may come up usefull in our daily lives...please share...for example, mine is :

If attacked by a badger....try and get a hold of a twig nearby and break it as the badger will think he has broken a bone and should go away

Or just punch it a couple of times in the face, or what ever a badgers face is called (A snout I think).

smashey

Don't grow cabbages on north facing slopes.;)

Rhyme

Binomate wrote:

Or just punch it a couple of times in the face, or what ever a badgers face is called (A snout I think).

Or jump over it...

Le Rack

Badgers are dangerous little buggers!

Don't go to school with a sling, you get bombarded with "ARe ya alrigh? Wha happened ye?"

And then don't explain by saying you were fighting...

Binomate

If someone doesn't want to have sex with you don't rape them.

Kernel

Don't eat the yellow snow.

And don't increase your credit card limit.

kaizersoze

Never scratch your arse with a broken bottle.

If it's brown, drink it down. If it's black, send it back.

Rhyme

kaizersoze wrote:

If it's brown, drink it down. If it's black, send it back.

If its yellow leave it mellow, if its brown flush it down... maybe

dubtom

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediatly punching anyone you dissagree with.;)

BrokenArrows

Dont tell anyone but the lotto numbers for saturday are 5,8,22,31,34,37.

Got this tip from my brothers, friends, cousins, uncle.

Archeron

Avoid getting penalty points for driving while talking on a mobile by hiding your phone inside a giant shell. Any passing Gardai will think you are listening to the sea, which is not yet illegal.

pontovic

lather, rinse, repeat

franksm

Red sky at night, shepherd's delight.

Red sky in the morning, take the day off work and have a sickie, 'cos it's going to be a good 'un

Binomate

franksm wrote:

Red sky at night, shepherd's delight.

Red sky in the morning, take the day off work and have a sickie, 'cos it's going to be a good 'un

Red sky at night, shepards delight.
Red sky in the morning means his house is on fire.

mickymg2003

Badgers are dangerous. a friend of mine's dog had its lips bitten off by one.

As Baz Luhrmann Says....Wear sunscreen

Miss Fluff

Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.

Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT ****ing one.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

MiniMetro

To continue on the "animal bite" theme. If you are working with minks, always have a cigarette and a lighter handy. If bitten, the quickest way to get them to release their grip is to blow smoke in their eyes.

IvaBigWun

Miss Fluff wrote:

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Ouch.


In the case of one night stands always go to her place, its easier to escape the next day if you have to

Crucifix

Miss Fluff wrote:

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Ironically a girl invented the over arm throw. Thanks How2.

connundrum

Don't ever sign up to a bill phone. Ever. Even if they offer you sweets and a free lift home in their white transit van. Just beat it :v:

Lump

What's wrong with having a bill phone?

John

connundrum

They give you access to credit and trust you to show restraint. Bad combination. I still owe Vodafone the guts of a €900 bill from a couple of years ago. It may work for some people but not for me and many like me.

*Yes I do have a billphone at the present moment and this does contradict all of the above statements. Still a bad idea though

Archeron

if you're worried about being burgled, simply move everything you own in to your bedroom when you're going asleep. next day, just move everything back to its original place again.

Cinema goers, have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by going to the toilet before the movie starts.

Avoid staining your teeth when drinking red wine all night by simply drinking a bottle of white wine before you go to bed,thus removing all stains.

When fleeing from the police, always run with one arm at a 90 degree angle wrapped in a baby mattress, just in case they set one of their dogs on you.

Avoid hiring unlucky staff members by throwing half of all CV's you receive in the bin.

Mr.Nice Guy

No, the jeans don't make her arse look fat.

(also don't point out the fact that her fat arse makes her arse look fat)

AngryBadger

Ruaidhri wrote:

Elephant and pig DNA dont splice.

a du du du du pig and elephant DNA just don't splice!!!

Blisterman

If you put a worm in the freezer, you can put it in a pencil sharpener and make it pointy.

R0ot

Don't try and move the xbox 360 while on from a vertical to horizontal position, or vice versa.

Zapp Brannigan

When in doubt...

Whip it out.

Takeshi_Kovacs

..avoid being Just another victim of the ambient morality, by eagerly experiencing the anticipation of a new lover's arrival...