I am being over-sensitive??

Bitsie

just want to know am i just overreacting about this. My best friend of 6 years recently had a baby with her boyfriend. Understandably i see less of her because of this. But I seem to be the one who is constantly asking her if she wants to go out or meet up otherwise i rarely hear from her. She then says to me that i never bother wanting to see her and her child. I also feel slightly put out that even though she asked me to be childs godmother (and of course i accepted) her boyfriend wanted his friend too to be godmother and his brother to be godfather. Now the child has 2 godmothers and 2 godfathers.....therefore feel less special being the child's godmother seeing as they just picked everyone!! one of the godfathers doesnt even live in the country and never see's the child!
Is it just me......am i being too sensitive about it all??
because of all of the above i feel less motivated to contact her all the time.

Beruthiel

Bitsie wrote:

Is it just me......am i being too sensitive about it all??

yes you are
being the parent of a small child means you are constantly tired and your priorities change.
She probably doesn’t call you to go out because the lovely warm bed is calling and it’s easier to slip in between the sheets than make the effort to go out. Knowing you can’t lie in the next morning doesn’t help either.
You as her friend have to understand that things have changed now and if you wish to stay her friend you are just going to have to work around this.

As for being a god parent, unless they are very religious, in this day and age, what does that really mean anymore and so what if it's four instead of two? They are trying to keep everyone happy, where's the harm in that?

Nuttzz

yes, children change most people, she feels she has different priorities now. as for being godmother/father what does that matter? are godparents important anymore (where they ever?)

Bitsie

i understand how things have changed since becoming a parent as i said but if i call her to go out she will say yes sometimes so its not that she doesnt want to its just left up to me to do all the asking. i realise that the god parent thing is not as religious as it used to be, i think its just that she always said i would be the godmother but then her boyfriend wanted all his friends and family to be godparents so doesnt seem like such a big deal to them who are the godparents but it is to me i think its an honour.

maybe godparents arent important to you bu they are to me.

BoozyBabe

While I agree with Beruthiel, I also see where you're coming from.

If she's just recently had the baby, then she's got a lot on her plate & you just have to patient with her, but I'm in a similar situation, but tbh, my patience has all but run out.

I've been friends with (what was) one of my best mates for nearly 8 years now (both mid to late 20's)
She has a four year old, but this is not the issue.
She's no longer with the father so they take it week about to have him at the weekends, so every 2nd weekend she's free to party & she does.

We both drive & only live about 40mins from each other.

Why my patience is running out:
The only time we meet up is if I drive to her (so she has no hassle at all) Any time I invite her down, there's a problem.
Every so often I text her to say Hi, etc, & I hear nothing back from her at all, then in a few months later she'll text almost saying why haven't I been in touch & we really should make more of an effort.......

It pisses me off because as far as I can see I'm the only one making an effort. I text her several times over Christmas & I got nothing back.
So, if our friendship is to remain, she'll be picking up the phone, cos I've had enough.

I don't think your situation is at this stage just yet, but I completely understand how you feel when it seems you're making all the effort & it's not being appreciated.

Bitsie

yeah its nothing got to do with her being a parent now and understand all that i have been very patient over the last 8months(thats how old the baby is)! its just like you said im making all the effort to arrange going out and she very rarely comes over to me always me going to her but the thing is it was even like that before the baby! now its just worse! its not that she cant go out because of the child she can she just doesnt bother unless i ask her and then she is all on for it.

Zulu

...aren't you suppoesd to be her friend? If it really bothers you that you call first, then let her call you, or explain it to her.

From where I'm standing, you make it seem like it's a chore to be your friend.

Bitsie

its not a chore i just dont expect to have to be the one to put in all the effort..... and i am being a friend up until now by being patient with her thats why am i asking for advice here instead of blowing up at her its the last thing she needs with the baby.

Zulu

Bitsie wrote:

its not a chore i just dont expect to have to be the one to put in all the effort.....

Friendship shouldn't be about effort. Is it a case that every time you ring, she asks you for something, or always need a favour, or puts you out in anyway?

and i am being a friend up until now by being patient

but you see you are almost implying that she owes you something!?! Patient because you call her before she calls you?!? How old are you?

...instead of blowing up at her its the last thing she needs with the baby.

Surly that isn't an option. Just have a sit down with her. Explain calmly to her that you require a certain level of attention and appreciation from your friends, that if you don't get that you feel rejected. Explain the she isn't giving you the said amount of attention, and while you feel flattered that she'd honour you by asking to to become a factor in her childs life - a spiritual mentor - you feel that it's really just a sham role since you are sharing it with two of her boyfriends best mates. :rolleyes:

Beruthiel

Bitsie wrote:

up until now by being patient with her thats why am i asking for advice here instead of blowing up at her its the last thing she needs with the baby.

blowing up at her?
sorry, you come across as a teenager there, any 'friend' of mine did that I'd tell them where to go.
I seriously don't see the big deal here, so what if you are the one to call all the time, if she's happy to go out with you when you ask, where's the problem?
I'm not a great one for calling people to go out either, that doesn't mean that I don't jump at the chance if they call me.
It's not because I don't want to see them, I'm always happy to, I just tend to have no problem finding other things to do with my time.
imo you're making a mountain out of a molehill

Bitsie

Zulu wrote:

Friendship shouldn't be about effort. Is it a case that every time you ring, she asks you for something, or always need a favour, or puts you out in anyway?

exactly it shouldnt be about effort but the fact is both people have to make a certain amount each!!


she doesnt owe me anything, just to feel its not all my work. even this christmas, its the first time i never got a card or anything and i never got a thanks for the presents and card i gave her and the child for christmas. so i guess i do expect a little thanks of appreciation for that, its just manners! :rolleyes:

Bitsie

blowing up is just a phrase...dont take it so literal i meant it in a good way that i didnt want to get angry with her over it. i dont see why people cant make the effort to make a call or text every once in awhile instead of leaving it to everyone else to keep in touch.

aidan_walsh

Bitsie wrote:

blowing up is just a phrase...dont take it so literal i meant it in a good way that i didnt want to get angry with her over it.

Thats what Ber meant (as far as I can see), that you seem somewhat immature because you're getting upset that your friend, a new mother, doesn't seem to have time specifically for you any more. You are vastly over reacting.

Bitsie wrote:

i dont see why people cant make the effort to make a call or text every once in awhile instead of leaving it to everyone else to keep in touch.

You have no idea what having a child takes out of a person, do you?

Bitsie wrote:

i feel less motivated to contact her all the time.

Why do you need to be in constant contact with her? Why not just call once or twice a week to see how she is getting on, is there anything you can do to help, catch her up with the latest gossip, etc.

Zulu

Look, I'm not meaning to have a go at you here, it's just I'm one of those people who don't get in touch. ...and I don't apologise for it.
I don't have any expections of my friends, they are nice people who can be trusted. Other than that I'm delighted to see them happy. If thats ringing me, super, if it's not ...well we probably won't meet up too often, but we're still friends.
If someone "expected" me to be calling them, they'd be quite dissapointed, and pobably loose a good friend. And I do consider myself a good friend because I would do anything for a friend (...except trivial things like phoning them to talk rubbish about nothing). That being said I'm blessed with friends who understand and like me for who I am.


...it's hard to explain, and it's probably a trait assoicated more so with men. Bottom line is: is she your friend? do you like her? do you trust her? Then be thankfull you have a good friend and appricate her.

evie

Why don't you sit down with her and talk to her rationally about this. Since you have been friends for a long time, she should understand your point of view and it will also give her a chance to explain her side of the story.

Talking to the person themselves is always the most direct route I find!

Bitsie

aidan_walsh wrote:

You have no idea what having a child takes out of a person, do you?

yes i do and i have already said that several times here so im not going to keeo repeating myself just read the full thread.

Shabadu

Ha- I can't WAIT until you have a child and feel like such a tit about all this. At eight months, her child is probably crazy with teething. Seriously- if you're such a good friend and a godmother you should be offering to babysit to let the mum go get her haircut, or have a meal with her partner, or see a movie.

Dave!

Yes, you're being too sensitive, and in some ways selfish.

Bitsie wrote:

just want to know am i just overreacting about this. My best friend of 6 years recently had a baby with her boyfriend. Understandably i see less of her because of this. But I seem to be the one who is constantly asking her if she wants to go out or meet up otherwise i rarely hear from her. She then says to me that i never bother wanting to see her and her child.

That's because she has a CHILD! I gather you don't have any children, because you obviously can't appreciate that her life has to revolve around the baby now. That is her life. She can't just "go out" or "meet up" somewhere at the drop of a hat -- those days are over. She isn't ringing you up to go clubbing anymore because she's too busy with feeding the baby, burping it, putting it to sleep, feeding it, burping it, putting it to sleep, wondering why it's crying in the middle of the night, feeding it, cleaning up its sick, changing its nappies, etc etc. You don't come into this equation -- she has a LIFE to take care of. She can't just nip out for a few scoops while the babóg is napping. And the last sentence makes it sound like you never come over and visit her and the child; if she's making that complaint, then it seems like she still wants to stay in contact and still wants to be your friend and obviously still wants to have a life, but like I said, the baby comes first, so if you actually give a sh!t then you'll stop being selfish and have some empathy for the girl, and go over every so often and have some coffee and a gossip, or even babysit on the odd occassion and let her have a break.

So basically, she has a child, so she doesn't have time to ring you up all the time, and if you want to keep in contact you'll have to make the effort and appreciate her situation.

Bitsie wrote:

I also feel slightly put out that even though she asked me to be childs godmother (and of course i accepted) her boyfriend wanted his friend too to be godmother and his brother to be godfather. Now the child has 2 godmothers and 2 godfathers.....therefore feel less special being the child's godmother seeing as they just picked everyone!! one of the godfathers doesnt even live in the country and never see's the child!

Jesus, this sounds REALLY selfish... The godparents are supposed to look after the child if the parents die -- the more the merrier! She didn't make you godmother to make you feel all tingly inside... And also, do you not think that the father should have a say in this situation, no?

So yeah, you're being over-sensitive and selfish, and you need to get out of the mindset that your friend doesn't have responsibilities just because you don't. Things have changed.

Bitsie

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS IS NOT ABOT HER HAVING A CHILD!!! you obviously couldnt be bothered reading the whole thing and just getting on your high horse as im sick of repeating myself here! thanks to the people that did actually have something decent to say instead of spouting off about me not having kids and being really selfish.......have no idea.

Bitsie

DaveMcG.........your the most unhelpful poster......thanks for your kind words! try reading the whole thing first.. pure dribble!

evie

I just want to repeat what I said.
There's always 2 sides to the story. Sit down and talk to her about this and I'm sure you will find that her side is just as relevant as yours.
Honestly, there's no point in speculating anymore!

Bitsie

yeah i know evie your right. thanks. ill try sort it with her.

Dave!

Bitsie wrote:

DaveMcG.........your the most unhelpful poster......thanks for your kind words! try reading the whole thing first.. pure dribble!

Bitsie

whatever that link was meant to be, it just opens to a blank white page

Fanny Cradock

you have ignored nearly everyones opinion until now. what do you want to hear? no, you are not being over sensitive


things have changed. maybe your relationship wont be the same as it was before the baby. who knows? however, because you appear to accept few of the opinions here, the best thing to do would be to take evie's advice and talk to your friend.

Bitsie

i have excepted a few peoples opinion and i know i need to talk to her, its people who keep writing "oh you havent a clue what its like to have children" when i have repeatedly said its nothing to do with her having a child. so ill say it only one more time......thanks to the people who did help.

Fanny Cradock

well from my reading of your first post it is ALL about the child. you asked if you were being over-sensitive and the general consensus seems to be that you are. you don't accept this - OK. but why post?

you know what to do now!

Bitsie

ok maybe i am being over-sensitive so. thanks.

Dave!

Bitsie wrote:

i have excepted a few peoples opinion and i know i need to talk to her, its people who keep writing "oh you havent a clue what its like to have children" when i have repeatedly said its nothing to do with her having a child. so ill say it only one more time......thanks to the people who did help.

What are you talking about? It's EVERYTHING to do with her having a child!

Her life has changed, and the child is #1 -- can you not comprehend that?! That's all there is to it, really. She has no time for you or for a social life because she has a child.

End of.

chump

Bitsie, I think I understand what you're saying...

You're annoyed because she doesn't seem to give much of a damn about you any more and she never makes an effort to contact you - even though it's not necessarily because she's too busy looking after the child (because she often comes out at the drop of a hat if you make the effort to ask her) but is instead because she's too lazy to give you a call and make the effort?

I understand, I think other people here are being a bit harsh on you.

I think basically you've found out that now she has a child, and a busier life, the time she has to think about you and make an effort at your friendship has disappeared. She probably doesn't even think of you any more when she has spare time, and I reckon that's fairly hurtful to you...

It's definetely not your fault, and I can see why you're pissed. But there's not much you can do.

It looks like yall have to find a few different friends.

Bitsie

thanks chump....finally someone who can see where im coming from. its not got to do with the child, obviously her time has been cut dramatically since then and thats cool.....but like you said if i do ask her out she has no problem doing that so does have time if she wants...

Megatron

Bitsie wrote:

i think its just that she always said i would be the godmother but then her boyfriend wanted ......

This could part of the problem. You had your expectiations set , and now this curve ball has trhown you... not the boyfriend , but what he wants ( i'm not call you selfish) It's that between you and your friend you have decided that you would be the goodparent, however only your friend and her partner are the ones that decided this.


Yes Kids do have a habit of changing your whole slant on life.
No matter how much your deny it , she has Changed ALOT since the kid was born. There is a big difference in planning for a kid, and then once it arrives.


IN all honesty , talk to her. But don't invite her out everytime you want to talk to her, Drop over to her and see her and the ankle bitter. Yes it can be a pain , but it's worth it in the end.

Bitsie

cheers Megatron.......sorry just want to add that she decided she wanted me as godmother after child was born and that her boyfriend was going to pick the godfather but then he changed his mind and wanted to choose both.

Zulu

Bitsie wrote:

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS IS NOT ABOT HER HAVING A CHILD!!!

...but it is about her having a child - you just don't seem to be able to see that.
You see, you need to consider this from her perspective, and from her perspective you'll find a child.
You appear content to only consider this from your point of view. Do you always take this approach?

Bitsie

no i dont and i have also said a million times that i completely understand her life will have changed. but its the other things like knowing she does have some time casue when i ask her to go out she will, not acknowleding the fact that i spent alot of money on her and baby for christmas. having to keep driving over to her yet i know she drives to her boyfriends friends house with him and stuff like that.

and before somebody jumps on me for saying having spent money on her for christmas its not the money fact its the fact that she never said thank you even after i brought it up.

evie

Ok, at risk of sounding like a broken record, sit down and talk.

According to you, she recently had a baby with her boyfriend. I know you want her to want to spend time with you but the reason she's making an effort to go out with him is probably because she wants the child to spend time with its' father which is, I think everyone will agree, relatively important.

However, you are feeling hurt about the fact she doesn't want to appear to do the same with you.

This represents, somewhat, both sides, am I right?

Here comes the broken record again, sit down and talk to her about it. You may be surprised by what she has to say and she may be equally as surprised by what you have to say.

Zulu

Bitsie wrote:

no i dont and i have also said a million times that i completely understand her life will have changed.

...no I think you realise that her life has changed, but you can't accept it, or don't understand how her life has changed.

but its the other things like knowing she does have some time casue when i ask her to go out she will,

So the problem appears to be: when she has free time - she spends it with you, but she dosen't call you enough, or make the arrangments. She leaves that to you.

not acknowleding the fact that i spent alot of money on her and baby for christmas.

That's about the only thing I can sympathise with you; she should have said thanks. ...but I'm beginning to think she did - she just didn't make a big song and dance about it.

having to keep driving over to her

...you don't have to load a baby + equipment. Now I don't have a kid, but my brother does. He doesn't drive over to me. I get the dart/bus over to visit him.
Do I resent that? No.
Why? because it's like mobilising an army for him to visit me. It's far easier for me to visit him.

Bitsie

i know she has to load up the car to do that but she will do it to go other places and other peoples houses. and NO she didnt say thanks for the present...nothing at all. So im not imagining it as you seem to think she did say it....how you know that i dont know!!

Zulu

Well, if she didn't say thanks...

Dave!

Maybe she just doesn't like you, then :rolleyes:

Bitsie

maybe. anyway thanks to the helpfull people. bye.