Should I leave?

LegacyUser

Hi, I am new to this board and I live in the US.

This is my situation. I have been married for 15 years and have two children. I love my husband but we have not a so great past. He beat me for years after we married, it had stopped for awhile and then started back up again. It's been 4 years since he has done anything but he is still verbally abusive .. he has even recently become verbally abusive to the kids, especially my son. I have been giving some serious thought lately as to leaving him. I have taxes coming back soon and was thinking of moving to Ireland with the kids. I fear to stay in the states because if I do leave him, he will come after me.
Yes I am aware of the shelters in my local area and have even been to one before ... it took him one day to find it.

Please any advice or suggestions would be appreciated ...

Talliesin

You'll need to talk to a lawyer if you're considering bring the kids out of the country without his consent to that. The laws on doing so vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction and I'm not sure what they are in the US, though iirc you need both legal parents consent just to cross a state line with a minor.

OMcGovern

Have you gone to any agencies which deal with tackling domestic violence ?
They'ld probably be able to give you a lot more advice than us.
From what you're telling us, it seems clear that you'ld get custody of the kids in a divorce, as long as you have some proof of abuse. Eg. police reports.
I imagine it's not that easy to file a police report if you're still sharing the house though.

In summary, a phone call to the right agency is 100 times better than a hopeful e-mail posting.

regards,
Owen

jimmycrackcorm

Does he realize what he is doing and could you get him to deal with his anger management. It's a bit like an illness where you get to suffer the brunt of the symptoms. But if his anger management could be solved would you want to stay with him?

seamus

http://www.womenslaw.org/

Best of luck.

simu

Get out for the sake of the kids, if nothing else. Even if it never gets past verbal abuse, that's a great strain to have around you growing up.

tbh

yep, the impartial advice would be to get out, although I know its never that easy. If he's never been treated for his anger, it's always going to potentially come back. He needs to sort his head out, and maybe you leaving will make him do that. Either way, if you stay, know that your son has a good chance of turning out just like his dad. Hope it works out.

Beruthiel

men like this never change
do whatever it takes to get away from him
find a shelter he cannot locate, perhaps the one you were at before can point you in the right direction.
is it possible to get a barring order on him? do they have that in america?

this is not advice I am giving you next, but it is what I would do if I found myself in your situation.
I would bring my kids on "holiday" to ireland and not look back, I have a feeling that's what you have in mind?

Tall suggests a lawyer, and that is probably the best idea, but in america will that not cost an arm and a leg?
I don't pretend to know anything about this of course...

Khannie

caimin wrote:

if you stay, know that your son has a good chance of turning out just like his dad

This would be the key issue for me.

Sounds like a very rough situation to be in, but the impartial advice seems to point towards getting out and I would echo it.

If you're considering coming to Ireland, you should do some research. In particular, living expenses are higher, and wages tend to be lower though (and I am probably biased) I would definitely much rather raise my children here than in the US.

Have you relations here? That would ease the transition a lot.

Khannie

Beruthiel wrote:

is it possible to get a barring order on him? do they have that in america?

They certainly do. It would be a great start.

dlofnep

Khannie wrote:

and wages tend to be lower though (and I am probably biased)

No they don't.

Khannie

dlofnep wrote:

No they don't.

Well put. :rolleyes:

Ok, let me give you a solid example. I started on £19K punts in my job when I left college. The equivalent starting salary for my job (edit: in the same company) in the US was $59K.

If I lived in the US, I would expect to be on around double what I currently am.

tbh

not to "me too" this issue, as it's off topic, but yeah, wages tend to be lower here (Ireland). I work for a multi-national, and we get every month in Euro what they get every two weeks in Dollars. Roughly.

Souperfreak

You have to leave.

But if he is the jealous crazy type you have to be tatical. Seek advice from a lawyer, find out your rights of moving the children out of the country. If you just take off and take the kids that work against you in the divorce and custody battle.

I would get a lawyer starting documenting incidents and occurences of abuse. Examples are necessary. Starting providing your lawyer with the information.

Start looking for places to live around where you live at the minute. The judge would look favorably on you if you tried to live there before you took the kids and left.

1) get tatical
2) get a lawyer
3) get out of there


good luck seriously tough situation

FoXXy

yup, id agree with the other posters that you shouldn't stick around.. its not healthy for you or your children- and believe me children notice EVERYTHING that goes on in the house.
your best bet is to get information together... itll help you plan your next move and will make you feel more at ease, the more knowledge you have.

hope it goes well and safely

4Xcut

you don't just owe it to yourself or children from an aspect of safety but you must do all you can to make sure they know this sort of behavour is completely unaceptable both legally and morally.

Nevyn

The thing is it is one thing to go on holidays to see family and 'suddenly' realise that things can't go on and you want to stay with in the support of your family.

To coldly and delibratly plan to flee a county/state and flaunt the county/state/federal custody laws and to check those laws with a lawyer before doing so...........................