Abused as a child

LegacyUser

Hi all. A friend of mine (late 30's) was abused as a child and its affected her personal relationships since then. She's on medication for depression and wants to come off it but doesn't think she can until she deals with her past. She's currently in a relationship with a man who treats her like a queen, knows about her past and is mad about her. She's put barriers up all her life and doesn't know how to break them down. She's been to a rape crisis centre councellor and to a hypnotist but doesn't feel like she was getting anywhere with them. I personally feel that she hasn't given them enough of a chance to see the results and it seems to me that, although she's denying it, she wants a quick fix. Can anybody offer any suggestions?

Victor

I'm not sure if there is a "quick fix". Quick fixes tend to be temporary in any case.

You mention shes has been to a rape crisis centre councellor, but there are others who might provide a different aspect of counselling that might help - relationship counsellors or various general forms of counselling. While she may have discussed her past with the RCC counsellor, she may not have discussed her future.

Also you don't mention a doctor or a psychologist / psychiatrist. Is she seeing anyone in this front?

Best of luck to both of them.

monkeyfudge

For a friend wrote:

She's been to a rape crisis centre councellor and to a hypnotist ?

The Rape Crisis Centre makes people relive thier experience, and anyone I've talked to said it was very traumatic and made them feel even worse. Hypnotism is a dodgey area too, as the person can wind up being convinced that more happened than actually did.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

She's seeing a doctor for the prescribed meds but the doctor who did know her background is now off work with a terminal illness and not likely to return. She's not seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist because she doesn't know how to go about it, do you just pick a name in the phone book or get a referral from the doctor. She saw the dr this morning about her meds and he told her to contact the RCC again. While she was with the RCC she said the councellor just sat there and looked at her; didn't delve into anything, didn't ask questions or anything. She said she gets more from talking to me that she did the RCC!

The hypnotism didnt work because she felt she couldnt relax enough to be hypnotised. I'm at a loss as to what to suggest to her.

Kell

Hey can you post registered so I can PM you.

People who feel they arent getting very far wiuth therapy are generally holding out information or the therapist is crap. Usually the former though.

I do know an outstanding one that has helped a lot of mates through similar experiences both from sexual abuse and parental abuse and has really made amazing differences in the people involved in a very short period of time.

As I said, post registered and I'll PM you with her number.

K-

Miner

Hi Kell, thanks for that. I'm not used to boards and I forgot my login. Lokk forward to the PM

Hippo

Therapy definitely the only way forward. But beware any suggestion of 'quick fix'...any kind of sexual abuse can take literally years of therapy to work through.

Talliesin

For a friend wrote:

While she was with the RCC she said the councellor just sat there and looked at her; didn't delve into anything, didn't ask questions or anything.

Counsellors generally will not lead much, especially at first, since they don't want to push the client further than they are able to go at a given point in time.

It is worthwhile, but not something that can happen too quickly.

Mina Loy

For a friend wrote:

Hi all. A friend of mine (late 30's) was abused as a child and its affected her personal relationships since then. She's on medication for depression and wants to come off it but doesn't think she can until she deals with her past. She's currently in a relationship with a man who treats her like a queen, knows about her past and is mad about her. She's put barriers up all her life and doesn't know how to break them down. She's been to a rape crisis centre councellor and to a hypnotist but doesn't feel like she was getting anywhere with them. I personally feel that she hasn't given them enough of a chance to see the results and it seems to me that, although she's denying it, she wants a quick fix. Can anybody offer any suggestions?

You know, you can try everything, self destruction, trying to hurt the people who did it to you..but the honestly only way you can deal with it is to forgive them. Not talk to them or be all friendly, but to forgive them. I know what I'm talking about. Once you resolve within yourself the fact that God, or Buddha or whoever the hell will deal with them in karma or in another life or what their guilt they will feel (because they WILL feel guilt) will be enough .Then you have to forgive yourself knowing you didn't do anything wrong nor ask for it. Then you can start to get over it. It takes enormous strength and resolve but it really is the only way.

faninia

Seriously., Are you for real???

That has to be the most recdiculous thing I have ever read. why would someone need to forgive themselves if they havent done anything wrong!

Thats not how somebody would start to get over something like that. It differs for each individual, but forgivness and pity is the last stage in resolving the issue. :mad:

ETA: OP you cannot do anything until your friend is ready to go for help. It takes a strong person to go forward, and admit that they need some form of help.

You will need to give her as much time as she needs, and be there for her if she needs to talk.
the rape crisis centre is a law onto themselves. (been there done that)

Maybe shes afraid of what will be uncovered if she startd talking about it? and shes not ready to face those feelings?

Hippo

Mina Loy wrote:

You know, you can try everything, self destruction, trying to hurt the people who did it to you..but the honestly only way you can deal with it is to forgive them. Not talk to them or be all friendly, but to forgive them. I know what I'm talking about. Once you resolve within yourself the fact that God, or Buddha or whoever the hell will deal with them in karma or in another life or what their guilt they will feel (because they WILL feel guilt) will be enough .Then you have to forgive yourself knowing you didn't do anything wrong nor ask for it. Then you can start to get over it. It takes enormous strength and resolve but it really is the only way.

Ok. Unreal. This is not the only way. If you believe 'whoever the hell' will deal with them in 'another life' fine. Forgive yourself? For what? Just do the therapy!

Mina Loy

Have you ever been abused? Especially as a kid? You DO feel tremendous amounts of guilt, thinking its your own fault. I know this because I was and it is what I felt for years. And I'm not some freak of nature, nearly every body does. You feel guilty that it was somehow your fault because you're naive and young. You feel guillty later on for not knowing how wrong it was at the time, and thinking it may be a 'normal' thing that went on in every family because it could have started when you were so young. You beat yourself up about it every ****ing day in some way for the rest of your damn life. You know you could have stopped it by telling someone if you knew better. And yes, ****ing forgive someone. I went to counsellors and psychotherapists and whatnot who made me worse, made me re live every ****ing detail as part of 'therapy' but it did jack ****. I don't believe in medication for that type of thing, it's not a disorder, it's something that was inflicted on you by heartless bastards and you have to deal with it to get it out of your head. By Forgive in a sense I mean just to let it go, it may feel like its your place to stab someone (which i felt like doing plenty of times and nearly did it too) and get your revenge in the way you most feel like but its honestly easier to let them go, and the whole experience go and realise it's not who you are now. Please don't preach to me like that when you MAY OR MAY NOT (not presuming) know what you're talking about.


To the OP a website i reccomend is www.oneinfour.org I think thats the correct link. It has a lot of articles about real people who took the offenders to court, even 20 years later. I know of someone who did this,(her father) she had the support and strength to do it. That way is right for some people, and not for others. For me it's not because I personally wouldn't have the strength which is a sad thing. But I think I've dealt with it the most I can and I hardly think about it any more. Hope everything goes well.

Mina Loy

Hippo wrote:

Ok. Unreal. This is not the only way. If you believe 'whoever the hell' will deal with them in 'another life' fine. Forgive yourself? For what? Just do the therapy!

Just doing 'therapy' isin't the answer. You can do that in conjunction with other things. I don't know anyone who has ever had therapy solely by itself and it 'cured everything'. It's almost like a journey of self discovery you have to go on and it's by YOURSELF and nothing to do with anyone else.

Shabadu

Mina Loy- While it's great that forgiving their assaulter works for SOME people, you have absolutely no right to say it is the 'only' way for people to heal. That is what I like to term 'utter bullshít'. You have no right to dictate how people should heal.

Gordon

Everyone has their advice, I'd prefer if people gave their advice, made their points and didn't try to force other opinions out of the discussion. There is no correct answer (to most of PI's threads) so everyone please don't force-feed your advice.

Mina Loy

I apologise if it looks that way but I was just trying to point out that the only answers so far seemed to be all about therapy, and since I know I have personal experience of what the OP was talking about I was trying to show my view, and of course I did get a little annoyed when people jumped on me, which I was surprised at because I was making myself a little vulnerable here which I don't think was very considerate or polite at all. Either way , yes we all have advice and I hope it all helps. I won't post again here if I'm not asked to by the OP..and I would like to ask that people not try to dissect my post and aggravate me because...well it's just not mature or considerate at all.

So, apologies again.

Gordon

No need to apologise, I was talking to everyone. I'm trying not to hinder discussion but this subject in particular is quite an emotive one to many people in Ireland as I realised when I lived there. There seems to be quite a history of child abuse in Ireland so naturally it's a contentious topic for PI.

turbot

Hi,

Does she know her abuser?

PM me privately and I'll offer some suggestions.

T

Martly

I think everyone has their own way to deal with things like this..Some peolpe dont want to talk about it and relive it every time they go for a therapy session esp if the abuse happened a long time ago...
I know a friend who went through abuse as a child and what she did was to write a letter as if she was talking to the abuser,telling him exactly how he made her feel then and how she feels now and how much of a sucess her liife is now..The letter was not posted but burned..She said she felt a lot better afterwards..
Hope this helps

Mina Loy

Gordon wrote:

No need to apologise, I was talking to everyone. I'm trying not to hinder discussion but this subject in particular is quite an emotive one to many people in Ireland as I realised when I lived there. There seems to be quite a history of child abuse in Ireland so naturally it's a contentious topic for PI.

You don't live here in anymore? ..weird..I thought all the mod's did..but tis the t'internet after all! I get that now. I kinda get 'emotive' about it hehe and don't really talk about it only when someone asks/or I'm trying to help someone else.. s'why I may have sounded snappy at other people who were trying to dismiss me. Anyway this was completely off topic. I is quiet now.:)

Gordon

There are a large number of users here that are outside of Ireland btw.

turbot wrote:

Hi,

Does she know her abuser?

PM me privately and I'll offer some suggestions.

T

turbot, if you make a suggestion like this again on PI you're banned for a month.

Hippo

Ok Mina, I take your point. And I do know what I'm talking about. I don't mean a therapist will cure someone, but they can point the way, especially when that person is so upset they can't see the woods for the trees.

meow

There are no quick fixes when it comes to this- I know, I've been in therapy for four + yrs and am still dealing with it.

If the person she saw in the RCC didn't suit her she can request to see someone else, just as you don't get on with everybody you meet, you won't necessarily get on with the counsellor you're seeing.
It takes time, and lots of it.

Maybe your friend has deliberately stopped seeing these people because she's afraid of what she's feeling.
Its deeply distressing talking about this stuff and only natural for someone to want to hold it in, it's self-protection, unfortunately in the long run its self-destructing.

Don't push her, I promise she having a tough enough time and punishing herself for choices she's making.

Some people never get over something like this because they never take the risk of allowing someone in close enough to help.

As a friend, be patient with her and love her, its her decision and hopefully in time she'll take the steps she needs to heal.

I know there are some online groups, if you Google it you're sure to come up with something.

Victor

monkeyfudge wrote:

The Rape Crisis Centre makes people relive thier experience

I think this statement is really slanted. The RCC counselor might get the perosn to explain what happened or explain how they feel and reliving the feelings (not the actions) can be traumatic. The difference being they are having those feelings in a safe place, where the victim can stop at any time. Its going to take weeks if not months of counselling to change things, its not a big bang.