relationship burnout recovery

LegacyUser

Im trying to let go of my bitterness. I know in the end its doing me no favours. I feel so contemptuous towards men that I mock even male friends of mine to their faces and laugh at them behind their backs. I mock them by telling them how hot they are just to see how easy it is to get them horny and it works all the time, and it doesnt matter whether they have girlfriends or not they still have no loyalty thereby verifying my perception that men are just horny and stupid.

And when Im out with girlfriends I see men who are on dates or with their wives eyeing me or my friend up in front of these women they are with and I just get more disgusted.

In addition, I was relating this to my therapist who is a man, and you know what his response was "i find that very attractive". I asked him then if he found it conteptuous and he said he did but that he also found my clever barometer of how horny men are very attractive. So the very person who is supposed to help me let go of this is actually verifying it.

The thing is im so burnt out from a relationship gone sour that everytime I feel like taking the risk of being vulnerable or connecting with a man, I just retreat into my contempt and isolation. And yet Im envious of those who are able to trust.

Can anyone relate to feeling burnt out? Does it go away?

Airblazer

know exactly how u feel but from a bloke's point of view..from everything I've seen I find women to be very untrustworthy and manipulative...it's the whole trust thing I find hard to do..however here's the thing..at some stage you have to let go of all the contempt and bitterness as it only eats you up in the end thus depriving you of the benefits of a happy relationship...at the end of the day no one wants to be alone and I'm sure neither do you..but if you hang onto this this is how you will end up..from what you've said about your therapist..dump him..from the sound of things he only wants to get into your knickers..

sceptre

unregg06 wrote:

Can anyone relate to feeling burnt out?

Yes. Relatively recently too.

Does it go away?

When I find out I'll tell you.

I look at it this way, some people are assholes by nature. Some good people sometimes act like assholes and sometimes nature turns on itself and causes assholes to act like non-assholes. That's not men or women, that's people, maybe men more often but certainly not exclusively so. I could put in the phrase "stupid people" in place of "assholes" and it'd still be the same thing.

Im trying to let go of my bitterness.

It'll eat you alive from the inside out if you don't.

And when Im out with girlfriends I see men who are on dates or with their wives eyeing me or my friend up in front of these women they are with and I just get more disgusted.

I was in McDonalds the other day, busy Sunday afternoon for me, no time to cook anything resembling actual food. Place was packed with the usual parents taking their kids out and fattening them while young and in walked this small crowd in their early twenties including one girl who wasn't wearing an awful lot. Almost instantly almost every male eye in the place took a jump over there. That's one thing. What sort of surprised me was that pretty much every bloke sitting next to his wife with two kids in tow proceeded to ogle the girl for the next five minutes, regardless of her being young and having the careful dress sense that is usually only donned by someone who's two steps away from stealing your car keys. Full five minutes of mass ogling. If it was a cartoon they'd all have been literally picking up their jaws from the floor. You'd think I was a terrible prude from the way I've put that and believe me I'm far from it. But yet again it confirmed in my mind that a pile of people out there are idiots, wallies, plonkers personified, partly to do that in the first place but more so to do it in front of their partners and kids.

There's good news - not everyone is an idiot, either like that or in general. I know I'm not and I'm relatively certain that I could go out and find a handful of others.

As for the bitterness, I don't know what's caused it for you and you may well not tell but obviously it was something that caused quite a bit of hurt and if it's any good to you, you're not on your own in having trust issues. Not that that probably helps, you could be more bitter right now than I've ever been or hope to be for any extended period of time. And while I've known a few people who were genuinely sad, I don't think I've ever known someone who was really bitter for more than a few days all that well so for what it's worth I can offer you some sympathy if not a great deal of empathy. Sadness eats people. Bitterness is worse. And even I know that retreating into isolation isn't the right way to play.

Oh yeah, last thing for now and this actually is advice: that thing you're doing with playing people to confirm your own suspicions and mocking people behind their back? Stop it. It's doing nothing for you. That experiment should be over, it's only making you more bitter at everything. You may kick yourself so hard some day if you do it to someone worthwhile who turns out to not belong in that shyster list you're amassing.

chump

So men look at girls wearing skimpy outfits and you're surprised and it offends you?

Why?

frobisher

I just wrote a long reply and my PC crashed and lost it all! No! I'll go again.

The first thing I would seripously consider is gtting rid of your therapist. One of the best things I have evr done in my life is consuelling but it has tp be with the right person. The only thing worse than no counselling is bad counselling. Sometimes you need to try a few before you find one that you want to stick with. Kinda like butchers!!

At the risk of offending you I'm going to be frank. Teasing/mocking men and bringing them to their boundaries is unfair and manipulative. Whether they are right or wrong is not the point, you can't change them. The only person you can change is yourself. Focus on that. It sounds like what you're doing is creating a pattern where your worst fears and suspicions about men are constantly confirmed. That's not going to do anything for you and is ultimately self destructive. I am a man and have never cheated on a girl and believe strongly in monogamy. We ain't all bad you know!!!

I often think that giving advice in such personal isues is a dangerous game but I think you should consider either avoiding or looking for a relationship on hold for a while. Just coast along without positive or negative expectation and see what life brings you. It has an awful tendency to all work out in the end.

I can understand your bitterness but don't let it be something that becomes your own enemy. It will pass with time but only if you want it to. Which you obviously do or else you wouldn't be posting on here for advice!

PS, Seriously consider your counseller. That remark was well out of order.

CrazySka

OP are you suggesting a woman in a relationship never looks at another bloke?? I doubt it.
Your problem seems to be with the basic layout of the human species, Men are atrracted to Women so what? Just because you had a bad experience doesnt make all of us the same and just because a bloke looks at another girl doesnt mean hes gonna try it on.
I ve been out with my girlfriend many times and seen girls dressed to the nines and yeah ive looked at them, does that mean im gonna leave my gf there and chase her down the street, NO.
Its natural for us to look at other girls cause thats just the way were made. as for attached men eyeing you up everywhere you go i dont buy that. if you get paranoid about something then your gonna see it everywhere. "Eyeing you up" is probably some guy looking around and catching your eye but youre so freaked out about that youre reading far more into it.

Sure there are ar**holes out there but if get hung up on it your bound to see stuff that isnt there.

BigArnie

The only advice I can give the OP is this:

1) Learn to tell the difference between decent, honorable guys and f**king arseholes. When you do you can:

2) Stop hanging around with the arseholes you're hanging around with and

3) Find a nice guy to go out with

It's that simple. Otherwise you can spend the next few years embittered and warped and that's just not an option - you'll inevitably end up just as bad as the people you seem to be bitching about. If you haven't already - horning up other girls b/f's is a dead giveaway.

LegacyUser

Yes I wish I could tell the difference. Experience has taught me they are all assholes in the end. You hit the nail on the head. And the latest one didnt cheat on me, so its not about fidelity. But he was a street angel, so no one would guess what he was capable of. And Im sure this has contributed to me not able to trust my judgement.

Believe me it does eat me up. I know its bad for me.

No im not suggesting women dont do it. But Im not talking about catching someones glance or gaze, im talking about turning around to look and smile at you, or partnered men who hand out phone numbers to women. Believe me I know the difference between the catching of a gaze and a far more solicitous glance. For the record I dont dress provocatively and neither do my female friends who will hold a similar opinion, but without the acidity.

Thanks for your responses. I will consider dumping my therapist. I had thought having a man as a therapist would help me through it, wrong again. Another asshole.

Mexicola

sceptre wrote:

I was in McDonalds the other day.......... But yet again it confirmed in my mind that a pile of people out there are idiots, wallies, plonkers personified, partly to do that in the first place but more so to do it in front of their partners and kids.

Do you not think that this girl dresses like for the exact attention she received? I am not trying to chnage the thread but it sounds to me like your bitterness has total control over you. Of course blokes are going to look over at a girl if she walks in with revealing clothes or whatever. I've seen it so many times aswell (also guilty as charged! ). There's a difference between looking up at her and then getting back to what you were doing or becoming fixated on her for the rest of your meal...

Get rid of your pervy cousellor too!

AngryBadger

Counsellor sounds a bit dodge all right. What's a street angel?

tbh I don't have much track with this complaint. The main thrust of your problem seems to be that men get horny really easily, which seems to be a problem for every woman. Why can't you just accept that our biological imperative is to reproduce as often as possible, with as many partners as possible? That doesn't mean we're going to sleep with every woman we look at, but it does mean we're going to notice them. And besides, women do this all the time, so what are you complaining about?

I'm not proposing that as an excuse for guys being jerks, or cheating or whatever. But aside from giving out about guys getting horny i don't really see what your complaint is. We've all been mucked around to some greater or lesser extent, but you can't just tar the opposite gender with some mad brush because you can't address your own issues.

Also, while i realise you claim this is a result of being bitter, but if you're that horrible to guys, well what do you think you're going to attract?

Not saying you should be all sweetness and cream, but if I find a girl to be that lacking in respect I just walk away, end of story. The only guys who will hang aorund when you behave like that are the ones who figure if they listen to enough of your garbage at the end of the night they'll get laid.

BoozyBabe

Op, I've no real advise to give you as I can't relate to your problem.

But whether in a relationship or not, everyone (man & woman) is entitled to look at the menu! It's only wrong if they order from it!!

Besides, can't you see it as a compliment that although they're constantly eyeing up other people, at the end of the day it's you they're with & stay with. (Plus, as the gf walks away from the bf to go to the bar / loo etc, the bf's prob eyeing the gf up too)

BigArnie

unregg06 wrote:

Experience has taught me they are all assholes in the end.

Whether you really believe that or not will determine whether or not you'll ever be truly happy, to be honest. If you have become a man-hater then I'm really sorry to say it, but you'll be living in a counterproductive environment the rest of your life and no self-respecting man will go near you with a 100 foot bitch pole.

A reality check here for a second - you need to cop yourself on, stop tarring all men with the same brush, stop 'mocking' them (because let's face it, it makes you ten times worse than them) and you also need to deal with these severe anger/bitterness issues you're harbouring.

unregg06 wrote:

And the latest one didnt cheat on me, so its not about fidelity. But he was a street angel

I've no ideal what this means. What DID he do that was so bad that you hate men so much? How old are you and how much experience do you have in relationships?

LegacyUser

To the OP... if all men are untrustworthy, look at your Mum and Dad the next time they sit down together. Tell your Mum straight out that you can't trust him. You'll really win their support alright... Ease up would you for cryin' out loud. It's not like most of ye women are God-fearing angles.

LegacyUser

What seems to totally escape the OP is that men are, sexually, animals. Simple as.

There is a saying in the gay scene that goes something like "gay men have the kind of sex life that straight men would if women would allow it".

But women don't allow it.

It seems to me that a lot of women cannot seem to separate sexual arousal from personality. I mean, if one of you have a tom-cat at home, do you consider him to be a total asshole because he goes around chasing every cat that is in heat? Do you consider him to be a total tosser with a **** personality, and a totally shallow cat? No you don't, you bring him in, and let him watch TV with you as he purrrs up against your leg.

The cat is not to blame for his sexuality. You forgive it, after all, hes just an animal right?

Well guess what? Men are animals also! And as a man I acknowledge that when it comes to sex, we are one step - no, actually a few steps - closer to the animal kingdom that most of us will admit. Women don't like to face this fact, but it's true. Any man who claims any differently just wants to rub you up the right way so he can ... erm, ok, going off topic now,

Anyway, basically for men, sex = sex. Sex is quite a dark thing. I struggle with all the sexual desires I have every day. I am trying to better myself, but find it hard not to stare at legs of some beautiful students around this town, I find it hard to resis a good stare at the asses of a bunch of niteclubbers as they go into town for the night, I find it hard to prevent myself from having sexual feeling for JUST ABOUT EVERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I SEE EVERY DAY! Heck.. it's the way we're wired. But we're doing our best. Give us a break.

It doesn't have anything to do with being an "asshole" or being "stupid". Many of the most intelligent men I know are the same as I am. You will find many of us sincere, loving, genuine people, with a lot to give in a relationship, and with great personalities. Guys who will make you feel wonderful about life. In fact, some of my friends are doing PhDs right now, and I'm doing an MSc. So we aren't completely dim witted... but being intelligent and having a nice personality doesn't make one any less crazy about seeing a young teen wearing a wonderful denim miniskirt, **** me boots, a crop top and with bleached blonde hair and plenty of make-up walking down the street swinging her hips...mmmmmmmmmmm. And I'm sorry to break it to you, but the majority of men are like me.

Relationships, love, children, families... well they are a beautiful, wonderful thing.

But for men sex is a pretty dark area. Something a lot of us can't do much about no matter how much we try to bottle it.

Females - it seems to me - can totally switch off their sex drive at will. We are - in general - slaves to it. But I'm bettering myself... give me some time babe, I'm working on this...

PeterGriffen

Does the revelation that it's easy to get men horny surprise anybody in the slightest? If a beautiful women showing a lot of cleavage is in close proximity, we are compelled to look at her (discreetly in most cases). It's how we are built. This has to be common knowledge to all but the most deluded women these days, right?

Zulu

I hope you like cats.

Crucifix

Zulu wrote:

I hope you like cats.

Best advice yet
To the OP: What's a street angel?

Nuttzz

i assume she mean street angel, house devil i.e. nice in public a pr1ck behind closed doors

you mock your male friends to their face and yet all men are arseholes?? get over yourself already.....

The Corinthian

And today's thread, kids, was brought to you by the word 'Misandry'.

Zulu

Perhaps you reap what you sow?

turbot

OK. This isn't what you expect.

It's really stupid to tease men, then resent them for reacting and getting horny.

It's about as stupid as offering someone who is hungry food, then resenting them for wanting some.

It would be just as stupid for a guy to stand outside a shoe and handbag shop, and resent women for wanting accessories women love.

If you set a context for resenting men based upon genetically programmed behaviours, like getting horny when receiving attention from an attractive female, you are going to end up defining a lot of people as assholes.

IMO, what you are doing to men is complete asshole behaviour. You are stimulating them to get a reaction, to prove your social superiority and control, then complaining about it.

What you need is a good spanking.

Until you get to a place where you have earned this, interim measures to help you release bitterness are:
- Salt baths
- Walks in the countryside
- Vigorous exercise
- Healthy food
- More spanking

Iago

I'm guessing that a street angel is a type of charity worker, or someone who works in social work circles etc. At a guess if he didn't cheat on her but did something that no-one would believe he would do, it was probably abuse of some kind, verbal, mental, physical who knows. The likelihood from that synopsis (if true) is that he is incapable of dealing with the stress and mental pressure associated with that type of social work and when he leaves it he takes out his frustrations in private on the people in his life. It's a common enough thing and happens in every walk of life but particularily with people who spend their days dealing with the abused and/or mentally broken who have such high emotional needs and such horrific stories to tell.

The point about guys ogling women is well put, but is also something we are predisposed to do. The male brain is incapable of focusing intently on more than one thing at any one time. So while women sneak glances at attractive men, men believe they are taking sneaky glances when really they are almost staring intently. We don't realise it at the time, but it's simply because it takes us longer to size up anything that we are focusing on. There is also the fact that generally we have more areas that we look at when seeking attraction to a member of the opposite sex than women do.

In addition to this we are encumbered by the subconcious and involuntary instincts of our race. That is the need to protect the continuation of the human race through procreation, as the male instinct is to impregnate as many women as possible we tend to be automatically drawn to look at attractive women and "size them up" if you will before we realise what we are doing. The fact that we have a partner already is irrelevant to our subconcious as we are programmed in a different way. This doesn't mean that we are going to cheat on our partner, or that we are even considering other women in a significant way, it's simply habitual instinct taking over. You have to remember that monogomy is a relatively new concept introduced by society and acceptable behaviour standards which actually goes against our instinctual desires.

For women it is easier as their habitual instinct, and the desire to protect and develop the human race is to find a single partner who will be a good provider for them and their children, and who will produce healthy and strong children, which results in the whole "Tall, Dark and Handsome" predisposition which has been with mankind since the dawn of time.

For guys who are married/involved and are giving out their numbers, they're a$$holes and unfortunately you get them everywhere you go, that doesn't mean that everyone is the same. If every man was the same then no relationship would ever last longer than a couple of months.

My advice to the OP is this
1. Get rid of your counsellor, yes they even have a$$holes in that area

2. Open your mind to things, you don't have to give your heart away to the first guy you meet but you do need to give them a chance.

3. Take your time, meet a guy, go for a drink, go for dinner. Get to know them over a period of time before opening yourself up to much. That way you don't have to worry about your trust being broken and you can really get to know them as a person first.

4. cease your vendetta, not all men are ba$tards and not all women are angels. Men are only human and are as vunerable to flattery and attention as women are, if you want to be treated with respect then you need to treat others the same way.

edanto

I feel so contemptuous towards men that I mock even male friends of mine to their faces and laugh at them behind their backs. I mock them by telling them how hot they are just to see how easy it is to get them horny and it works all the time, and it doesnt matter whether they have girlfriends or not they still have no loyalty thereby verifying my perception that men are just horny and stupid.

I can just imagine the PI thread written by one of these blokes... "One of my female friends constantly comes on to lads in our group only to back away at the last minute. We don't know what the hell she's trying to prove other than verifying our perception that women are just horny and stupid."

Don't you see that your behaviour is deceptive, manipulative and designed to fuck with people's heads? To my mind, you're causing some of the problematic situations your complaining about. Try being honest with people - dismiss the advances of people you're not into and only flirt seriously with people that are attractive and available and all of a sudden you might start to enjoy the game (I'm calling it that since it seems as if you like to play) a lot more.

In addition, I was relating this to my therapist..his response was "i find that very attractive"

Yellow Pages. quick.

The thing is im so burnt out from a relationship gone sour that everytime I feel like taking the risk of being vulnerable or connecting with a man, I just retreat into my contempt and isolation. And yet Im envious of those who are able to trust.

Trust and risk are inseparable.

You're right, you have a lot of bitterness that you need to let go of. Stop blaming other people. I think your behaviour, as you've described it, is attracting assholes and I think you should ask yourself why you act like that.

rsynnott

The Corinthian wrote:

And today's thread, kids, was brought to you by the word 'Misandry'.

Funny, you don't actually see this too much. There are about 10 threads a week about how evil and manipulative women are tho.

The Corinthian

rsynnott wrote:

Funny, you don't actually see this too much. There are about 10 threads a week about how evil and manipulative women are tho.

Here we go, the usual implied “misandry doesn’t exist / should not be taken seriously” idiocy from the PC brigade :rolleyes:

Beruthiel

now folks
lets stick to the topic shall we?
B

LegacyUser

Iago, you basically said the same thing as me, only better

Seriously, to the OP: once you understand guys, you will be able to give them another chance. what Iago said was good.

rsynnott

The Corinthian wrote:

Here we go, the usual implied “misandry doesn’t exist / should not be taken seriously” idiocy from the PC brigade :rolleyes:

No, no, not at all. I was just commenting on how men seem more likely to TALK about the horrors of women than the other way round; I find that interesting

py2006

chump wrote:

So men look at girls wearing skimpy outfits and you're surprised and it offends you?

Why?

Here Here!

And its not like women don't window shop while they are out with their boyfriends/husbands.

I am sick of this double standard women come up with!

The Corinthian

rsynnott wrote:

No, no, not at all. I was just commenting on how men seem more likely to TALK about the horrors of women than the other way round; I find that interesting

Given the gender demographics of Boards.ie, I don't find it surprising in the least. Outside of that I'm not certain what your point is, outside of making the usual (aforementioned), tired, politically correct innuendos. So spare us and try to get back on topic.

Zulu

Perhaps your problem stems from the fact that you think you know/understand men? ...when all you appear to have done is noticed one very evident common trait and over simplified.

ando

Zulu wrote:

Perhaps you reap what you sow?

exactly, if you think all men are bastards, then your the one with the problem, not them. Playing evil games with them is only confirming it to me that your the one with the problem

AngryBadger

RegularGuy wrote:

if one of you have a tom-cat at home, do you consider him to be a total asshole because he goes around chasing every cat that is in heat? Do you consider him to be a total tosser with a **** personality, and a totally shallow cat? No you don't, you bring him in, and let him watch TV with you as he purrrs up against your leg.

You sir, are a genius! I'm either bring a tom-cat around with me everywhere from now on.....or dressing up as a cat.....hmmm.....:cool:

LegacyUser

Iago - what you said makes much sense. And you are very accurate. Fear has hypersensitized me.

regular guy - I understand what you're saying and I aware of that. We are all battling with our appetites. I accept that.

Its not loyalty that Im judging. But the lack of value that most men have for anything about women except for how they can gratify their needs. In other words, I would find it more acceptable for a man to philander, than to be with one woman but negate her, put her down, ignore her, whatever unless she was sexually gratifying him.

I dont have a problem with men being horny, but it does seem that that is all they are interested in and that you cant put much faith in anything they say. Once they have their needs fulfilled then they dont value you.

And just to add, and I dont expect this to amerliorate the less forgiving opinions of me from some contributors to his thread, that I dont do this with ALL of my male friends. I dont for example with the ones who appear to be too sensitive or genuine. You will ask, or note, that I am able there in my own life to see that I know men who are genuine and sensitive, or at least think I do, but there's the rub. Ive been wrong so many times before that I cant trust my own perceptions. I was a nice, loving and trusting woman. That didnt do anything to prevent attracting assholes.

This is the first time I have felt corrupted by a relationship.

I never said I understood men, believe me I dont. I know I dont.

So I hope you are nice to your girlfriends, you dont want them turning out like me.

BigArnie

Unregg06 wrote:

Iago - what you said makes much sense. And you are very accurate. Fear has hypersensitized me.

regular guy - I understand what you're saying and I aware of that. We are all battling with our appetites. I accept that.

Its not loyalty that Im judging. But the lack of value that most men have for anything about women except for how they can gratify their needs. In other words, I would find it more acceptable for a man to philander, than to be with one woman but negate her, put her down, ignore her, whatever unless she was sexually gratifying him.

I dont have a problem with men being horny, but it does seem that that is all they are interested in and that you cant put much faith in anything they say. Once they have their needs fulfilled then they dont value you.

And just to add, and I dont expect this to amerliorate the less forgiving opinions of me from some contributors to his thread, that I dont do this with ALL of my male friends. I dont for example with the ones who appear to be too sensitive or genuine. You will ask, or note, that I am able there in my own life to see that I know men who are genuine and sensitive, or at least think I do, but there's the rub. Ive been wrong so many times before that I cant trust my own perceptions. I was a nice, loving and trusting woman. That didnt do anything to prevent attracting assholes.

This is the first time I have felt corrupted by a relationship.

I never said I understood men, believe me I dont. I know I dont.

So I hope you are nice to your girlfriends, you dont want them turning out like me.

Look. You've just got to accept the fact that some men are a$$holes and will cheat on you and treat you like crap. By the same token, I've been with women who've cheated on me, women who have used me for money (not that I'm loaded or anything) and women who have generally fooked me about and used me. Being a nasty person isn't exclusive to gender. It's about the type of person you are, how you were raised and about the choices you make and actions you take.

There are men out there who will treat you like crap and decent men out there who will love and care for you and be completely faithful if given the chance. All I'm saying is - get over your mental problem and try to enjoy life. I know from personal experience that it's hard not to get bitter and twisted when someone's excessively nasty to you, but you just have to ensure that you don't wind up fooked in the head. Otherwise you suffer and the a$$hole that's messed you about scores a double victory.

Find someone nice and move on. If you get burned again, find someone else and move on. You'll know when you meet the right guy.

turbot

Unreg066,

I surmise that you are probably quite pretty... As you seem to evoke a lot of attention.

I appreciate that facing a constant bombardment of self-centered, lustful advances makes life difficult, and in order to defend yourself against such, it's hard to screen out worthwhile guys, and guys who just want you for sex in a way that leaves you feeling used.

So I think your challenge is to figure out what you want in a guy, including to realise there are different kinds of guys out there. If you are as attractive as your life experience implies, then perhaps you would consider dressing more conservatively, and also coming to some understanding about the kinds of qualities a guy will have. It might be that you make him horny, but he compliments this will the kind of love and decency that heals you from the inside and through.

But realise that even decent guys, when faced with an artful tease, are likely to get aroused. What you need to calibrate is what happens the rest of the time... and figure out ways to determine this.

Also, it's a cliched truth that many women go for bad boys; because their behaviour turns women on.

What do you want in a guy?

What has to happen in order for you to meet enough guys that you find one you like?

How can you treat guys well, while protecting yourself, such that if you do meet someone who is genuinely decent, he won't dismiss you as only being a tease with issues? Instead of seeing you as a sexual fantasy worth treating well.....

I also think that since you turn lots of guys on, acknowledge that you have a lot to give... you can literally rock many mens worlds. Thus, who deserves your sexyness enough to enjoy the fantasies you can make real? When you come to an understanding about this... you might find that by treating decent guys well (who've been hurt by abuseful, self centered women) in the process you heal yourself.

daiixi

Unregg06 wrote:

Its not loyalty that Im judging. But the lack of value that most men have for anything about women except for how they can gratify their needs. In other words, I would find it more acceptable for a man to philander, than to be with one woman but negate her, put her down, ignore her, whatever unless she was sexually gratifying him.

I dont have a problem with men being horny, but it does seem that that is all they are interested in and that you cant put much faith in anything they say. Once they have their needs fulfilled then they dont value you.

So I hope you are nice to your girlfriends, you dont want them turning out like me.

If a woman is fool enough to stand by a man who doesn't value her then really it's noone's fault but hers.

Also, there are so many women out there who treat men in exactly the same way that you say men treat women.

Noone has forced you into the situation you find yourself in today but I have to say it's rather unattractive and your friends deserve better than you.

Switch to a female therapist and stop taking your anger out on others. You'l never find anyone nice (or recognise that they are indeed nice) while you're as angry as you are now.

BigArnie

Er, another point I'd make here - men don't just want sex out of a relationship :eek:

I'd rather settle for a girl that was mildly attractive to me but with a good heart and a great personality than for some Angelina Jolie lookalike who's bitchy and dull as ditchwater. From the impression you'd get on this thread, all men do is think with their peckers all the time. Well they do but... eh... look, you know what I'm getting at. :mad:

LegacyUser

Turbot - very kind response. Thank you. If you are a man, than you have helped me because I can see that there is wisdom and kindness among you. Im going to think about your suggestion. I think thats a very very good idea.

But its not just me. My best friend has enormous breasts. I mean enormous. She works in finance, so its not a case of covering up. That attention she gets is unreal. But its not just that, Ive seen men she works with not even listen to a word she says because they are looking down at her rack. Shes bright and funny and has so much to offer. When men yell across the street at you about your breasts [her] or your ass [me] then you will no doubt have an impression.

Big Arnie - sometimes that is all they want. Not always. I guess it depends on the woman they are with. I have a friend who is not attracted to his wife-so he doesnt want sex at all from his marriage. She is lovely woman and deserves better. Hes three hundred pounds and complains that she dresses frumpy but also tells me that he sits at work with a warm glow and hard on thinking about me. [And before you get on a high horse - this is not someone I encourage with my mockery] And yet she is dissatisfied being in a marriage where she gets laid once a month by a man whose only doing it out of duty.

I have one male friend who I have a lot of respect for. He is very sensitive and kind. I thought honest and genuine. We have always connected but come from such different worlds. I would never do this to him. Not ever. But then he told me of a girl who buzzes him every morning and he just ignores her. Hes a cop and works nights so this disrupts his sleep alot. I asked him if he had slept with her. And he said yes. I asked him if he told her that he didnt want a relationship if he was straight with her and he said no. So what am I supposed to think? I want to say to him "oh no. not you too."

But hes also a self confessed commitment phobe, as am I. But Im wondering if I find him appealing because i think if hes a commitment phobe then he'll give me alot of space and be non possessive or if Im walking myself into a trap which is going to keep me in this bitterness like a self fulfilling prophesy.

Zulu

Unregg06 wrote:

....I have a friend ...tells me that he sits at work with a warm glow and hard on thinking about me.

What sort of people do you consort with? I would never say this to a friend of mine.

But Im wondering if I find him appealing because i think if hes a commitment phobe then he'll give me alot of space and be non possessive or if Im walking myself into a trap which is going to keep me in this bitterness like a self fulfilling prophesy.

You probably only find him attractive because you see he ignores her advances.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

It sounds to me like you are channelling a lot of your energy into thinking about, looking at, flirting with & wanting men.....maybe stop trying to play with them & leave them alone for a while....just enjoy being single & going out with your girl friends....ignore any unwanted attention, we all get that from time to time & you just have to nod, smile & walk away.....stop looking at other couples and other men & looking for faults and instead get on with enjoying yourself & your night out.....everyone people watches, not just based on sex drive and short skirts.....my friend's husband was staring at a young woman wearing not very much & I elbowed him and he turned around & said "Would ye look at the state of yer one?! If that was my daughter I'd be mortified".....so don't always assume men stare out of lust, either....

As for the hard-on comment from your "friend" - I'd be asking whether you really want a friend like that.....I'd be horrified if any of my male friends turned around and said anything so creepy to me!....:eek:

No-one has a perfect record at relationships or doing the right thing....what matters to me is how a man treats me....I don't care if he did such-and-such in a previous relationship (within reason!) or that he ended another relationship over the phone rather than person to person or whatever.....what is important is that he gives me the respect and support I deserve & I don't date men until I am reasonably sure that I have it.....that hasn't stopped me from getting hurt & you just have to get up, dust yourself down & get going again....best of luck to you!

BigArnie

Unregg06 wrote:

sometimes that is all they want. Not always. I guess it depends on the woman they are with. I have a friend who is not attracted to his wife-so he doesnt want sex at all from his marriage. She is lovely woman and deserves better. Hes three hundred pounds and complains that she dresses frumpy but also tells me that he sits at work with a warm glow and hard on thinking about me. [And before you get on a high horse - this is not someone I encourage with my mockery] And yet she is dissatisfied being in a marriage where she gets laid once a month by a man whose only doing it out of duty.

I have one male friend who I have a lot of respect for. He is very sensitive and kind. I thought honest and genuine. We have always connected but come from such different worlds. I would never do this to him. Not ever. But then he told me of a girl who buzzes him every morning and he just ignores her. Hes a cop and works nights so this disrupts his sleep alot. I asked him if he had slept with her. And he said yes. I asked him if he told her that he didnt want a relationship if he was straight with her and he said no. So what am I supposed to think? I want to say to him "oh no. not you too."

But hes also a self confessed commitment phobe, as am I. But Im wondering if I find him appealing because i think if hes a commitment phobe then he'll give me alot of space and be non possessive or if Im walking myself into a trap which is going to keep me in this bitterness like a self fulfilling prophesy.

Listen love, I'm going to be completely honest with you. First off, you're thinking way too much. Secondly, it sounds like you hang around with a lot of a$$holes. You said it yourself "I have one male friend who I have a lot of respect for" - eh, why is that exactly? I don't hang around with people that I don't have respect for very often! Maybe that's your problem. You hang about with people you don't respect, who in turn probably don't respect you and you piss and moan about how you don't trust people. Aside from the obvious fact that you need to find friends that you can trust you also need to accept the fact that there are men AND women out there in equal measure that are nasty, evil pieces of s**t and who are so pathetic and who's lives are so empty that they live just to screw other people over. You are just as likely to be one of those people as I am. I'm not. I'm sure you're not. But I would suggest not teasing your mates boyfriends anymore because people will label you with being such a nasty individual if you don't stop.

That brings me to my next point - if you're as complex as you come across, then you need serious psychological councelling. Forget the therapist that's been making innuendo towards you (a story that I have serious difficulty believing by the way - if it's true, report him to the police before he rapes someone) and find a decent therapist. Get the problem sorted because - moment of revelation - THE PROBLEM ISN'T MEN BEING MALICIOUS AND NASTY, THE PROBLEM IS YOU. :eek:

AngryBadger

Unregg06 wrote:

But its not just me. My best friend has enormous breasts. I mean enormous. She works in finance, so its not a case of covering up. That attention she gets is unreal. But its not just that, Ive seen men she works with not even listen to a word she says because they are looking down at her rack. Shes bright and funny and has so much to offer. When men yell across the street at you about your breasts [her] or your ass [me] then you will no doubt have an impression.

Fair enough, but what about the men you pass that don't make comments? Maybe you should consider those guys?

Unregg06 wrote:

I have a friend who is not attracted to his wife-so he doesnt want sex at all from his marriage. She is lovely woman and deserves better. Hes three hundred pounds and complains that she dresses frumpy... he sits at work with a warm glow and hard on thinking about me...yet she is dissatisfied being in a marriage where she gets laid once a month by a man whose only doing it out of duty.

Well he's a grade-A prick, but why is she married to him in the first place?

Unregg06 wrote:

he told me of a girl who buzzes him every morning and he just ignores her. Hes a cop and works nights so this disrupts his sleep alot. I asked him if he had slept with her. And he said yes. I asked him if he told her that he didnt want a relationship if he was straight with her and he said no. So what am I supposed to think?

That he had sex with someone, and that sex does not equal marraige/relationship?

Unregg06 wrote:

But hes also a self confessed commitment phobe, as am I. But Im wondering if I find him appealing because i think if hes a commitment phobe then he'll give me alot of space and be non possessive or if Im walking myself into a trap which is going to keep me in this bitterness like a self fulfilling prophesy.

See, I'm honestly trying to find an angle on what you're saying, something that will help me identify why you seem to feel this way, wich I can then pose for your consideration. But then you tell me that you're drawn to this guy even after he tells you about this other girl, (which you seem to think was misconduct on his part).

I'm not getting on your case here, but it seems like the you're annoyed because the men you meet don't live up to your expectations, which is understandable, but doesn't that just mean you're meeting the wrong types of men? At some point don't you have to step outsied of the circles you're currently locked into, and look further afield?

turbot

Unregg06,

So your experience of reality goes as follows; you are constantly exposed to and often overwhelmed by lustful advances from all kinds of guys.

The you inside, the girl behind your eyes, find this confusing because the quality of these come ons and interactions are what seem to be shallow. And they are... You seek connection, good vibes, and a bit of love is all you need to feel a world better... and it's out there, though you are faced with a puzzle as to how to find it.

If you turn heads and people around you fantasize about you wherever you go, depending on how you see it, you find yourself trapped in a kind of prettiness-prison. The World you get to experience includes an excess of male behaviour that you actively need to defend yourself against, to maintain your safety and to stay sane.

Most guys don't experience an equivalent of this and the majority of women don't experience this to the extent you do, and the guys who do are likely to be movie stars / rock stars with girls running after them everywhere they go...

You are not alone in this experence, and many attractive women share your fate. The ones I know who are best at handling it (like, one of my californian friends who was in Playboy) enjoy teasing guys, provided it's safe, and simply see the constant attention as major validation they are really hot. They will occassionally have to run away from men who they've wound up too.

Yet with you, you strive for the kind of emotional connection that can make you feel more whole... and you struggle to keep the World at bay sometimes.
So you need to acknowledge that because you are attractive, sexy, sought after (even though you take this for granted; it's just normal for you) that this means you especially are exposed to mens behaviours, that enmass, can be uncomfortable and you want something else.

So here is a hint; hang out where people do things that are good hearted, and you may find men with good hearts

Treat them delicately... because some may assume they wouldn't have a chance with you. See your sexyness as a gift and use it in good ways, (like an x-girl superpower) and get on with the rest of your life too, so you make the most of yourself in everything you do.

Shine on!

AngryBadger

turbot wrote:

Most guys don't experience an equivalent of this

eh I disagree with this, but everything else is spot on, well said that man

BigArnie

There seems to be a lot of 'well men are just like that' bollox being spoken too. I can safely say I've ever letched on a bird in my entire life. Not have I ever cheated on a girl I've gone out with. The bottom line is that there are loads and loads of good guys out there. If you're having trouble finding them then you're not looking... or you LIKE being treated like s**t.