**** Creek !!

MarinoMark

Up **** Creek

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]It is now after 4am,been in bed since 12, tossing,turning,etc..I Really need help. Where to start ? I will keep this honest and to the point...ok. here goes
In 1998, after my 5th treatment center, I finally got sober. In that time I met a gorgeous girl,we dated, she had a 5 yr old daughter, an absolute dote (still is !) We decided to get married, dont want to leave my elderly mother she said, So it was decided that I move in, Elderly mother,my wife,5yr old and me!
House was in bits so we got a mortgage ,updated the house..bigtime..new kitchen, ,downstairs bathroom,conservaty etc. The biggest mistake of my life. From the word go,my mother in law tried to control everything, she even wanted to pick the decor of "our bedroom".We were married at this stage ! But it was always "this is my house" could not put up a picture withouh a fuss...she bought her ornaments in pound shops ! So in 2002 we were delighted when xxxx told me she was pregnant, things went great for 4 months and then xxxx had a miscarraige...it was twin boys..I went to pieces..But never thought of a drink..4 yrs sober at this stage. Picked up the pieces.. june 2002
Pregnant again..both of us nervous...feb 2003. a beautiful baby boy..blonde, blue eyes..cracker. After 2/3 months something was not right, I knew he was not hearing anything..so after tests over 4 months we discovered he was deaf.
My History... I drove a truck for an airfreight co, left the house at 7.15am was never home until after 8pm, always came home to an atmosphere, a bad one, never my wife or daughter..just the mother in law..(this is my house etc)
always walking on eggshells. Last year 2005 started to drink again, nibbling at first.then got heavier, cut a long story short,went into treatment centre on my own choice..my brother in law took me down, I rang him, explained the situation..no prob he said..but in the cut and thrust her family have discovered I was in treatment before...They attacked my wife with "how dare you bring an alcoholic into mams house etc. I also turned into work drunk a few days before this and was sacked, ( I had a few warnings).I now find myself unenployed, living with my mother and totally suicidal, dont even have a reference from my previous employer 7 yrs service,Mortgage and bills still have to be paid, my wife and kids still love me to bits and we spend lots of time together..but where is the light at the end of this tunnel ?We cannot save for a new house as all our money goes on the other house. I am still sober but struggling more every day. I miss them so much and am finding it so so hard to cope. I go to AA, but mostley to kill an hour or 2 and get away from my mother who never tires of saying "Its your own fault" My poor wife has no money I am trying and trying to get a job but how do explain away 7 yrs..no reference.....No Hope...Mark
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RoadSweeper

Alright man,

Just try keep off the drink, its proved your better off without it.

You still have a family that love you.

Did you explain the situation to your employer? just tell him you had a little mid life crisis, and your better now, you dont expect your job back, jus a reference.

You'll find things arent as bad as they seem.

Regards,

MarinoMark

Roadsweeper...Thank you..mark

galwaydude

Hi Mark,

I cannot imagine what its like for you, can i ask where is your wife and kids now staying.

I can relate to what you are saying. A family member went to a treatment center for alcohol abuse just over 2 years ago. He lost everything, his wife, money and house.
He has been sober now ever since and he has totally changed his life around for the better.We are all so proud of him. From his experience you have to change your life totally. Loose your drinking buddies, try to be more active.

What im saying is that you can do something about the situation your in.Maybe its time to move out of your mothers house. You have a great wife and 2 healthy kids to look forward too. You have been treated shamefully in all of this.

When was your last drink?

First of all ring the samaritans for help.Go to your AA meetings and make a consious effort to get something out of it. I know its really hard but you have got to sort yourself out for your wife and kids sake. My brother learned the hard way but he came out shining in the end.If he can do it so can you.

Nuttzz

go to FAS and try and pick up a qualification some courses also provide work expereince, look at working unsociable hours in the secuirty game to keep you away from the bottle.

if you go to AA with the idea that its to kill an hour or two then you are there for the wrong reasons, tell the AA boys and girls how you feel.

some jobs dont give references any more, my place doesnt so its not unusal for employers to hear people dont have a reference

next time your mother starts at you ask her how having a go is going to help

Iofur

Hey, Mark

I dont really know where to begin only to say that you seem to a strong spirit. I come from a family where alcoholism and drug dependence is rampant. I can understand from a certain perspective what it must be like for you but you are already a better man for admitting this, you have beaten it once before and no doubt you will do it again. Chin up dude!

With regards your 'mother'-in-law the woman has obviously no intention of seeing beyond what she wants to see. You have for the last few years put up with attitude and come out the bigger man, displaying a vast greater amount of character and human deceny than she and although it may not seem like much of a victory you can at least say to yourself that you never once gave into her snide comments. Your family love you Mark, they dont care what kind of job you do, they will behind you 100% and if they didnt want to they wouldnt be there.

Dont give up Mark, for your sake and theirs.

Iofur

Sleepy

look at working unsociable hours in the secuirty game to keep you away from the bottle

I'd advise against this, night-shifts are known to cause depression in those that work them. Depression and alcoholism are not good bedfellows.

A couple of suggestions:

If the mortgage is in your name, I assume you have legal title over at least part of the house? If so, next time the mother in law gives you grief, threaten her with selling up. You don't necessarily need to do it in front of the wife

You can see yourself what the drink does to your life, you know yourself you're better off without it, just take it a day at a time and continue going to your meetings, even when you're doing well. Alcoholism isn't something you can "treat", it doesn't magically go away when you haven't had a drink in a few years.

Like many others said, work-places not giving a reference isn't unusual these days. Perhaps if you didn't leave on bad terms you could approach your old manager (or another manager within the firm) explain that you've cleaned up your act and either get your job back or convince them to give you a reference, even just one that says "Mark worked here from 1999 to 2006" without singing your praises.

Nuttzz sugestion of a FAS course is a good idea and if you're finding that you're only going to AA to get out of the house, this would get you out of the house and give you a much-needed sense of accomplishment at the moment. Not to mention increasing your employability.

Best of luck Mark, and remember: the longest journey begins with one step.

Victor

MarinoMark wrote:

I go to AA, but mostley to kill an hour or 2 and get away from my mother who never tires of saying "Its your own fault"

Sorry, maybe I misread this, but do your mean your own mother or the mother in law?

sunzz

Look man stuff your mother in law and stop letting her get under your skin, you're 10 times the person she will ever be, she obviously is one of these old fashioned bats that has nothing better to do but to fiddle in other people's affairs.

Id suggest perhaps maybe just going to fas and getting a safe pass, when you have that sorted you can get a job as a laborer, you don't need a references for that.

Keep your chin up, and remember one thing, don’t be selfish and take the easy way out and top yourself, think of how your wife will feel and a kid growing up without a father whenever that thought comes into your head.

Wish you all the best man, reply here and let us know how you get on. Ill say a prayer or 2 for you.

Keep up your hard work man.

faceman

Mark, no disrepect to you or any posters here but I think you need to seek professional help rather than post to a public forum which will more than likely not give you the answers you need (rather than want)

Talk to your GP if you know him well enough, the Samaritans etc. I recommend starting a FAS course or similar training to demonstrate to perspective employers that you are committed to having your life back on track.

Best of luck, chin up.

Roy16

hey,

All i can say is keep your head up and stay of the drink if you can. I would say you did the right thing geting help a second time and i think you deserve a pat on the back for that, not everyone would do the same. I know its hard at the moment but if you have to kids and a wife who still love you and would prob do anything for you as you would for them.

My advice would be why not look at moving to another country and have a fresh start. I dont think you've being really happy from day one after moving in with your mother in law....but if i was in your shoes and you you were looking for a fresh start then as i say why not move abroad to say, america, australia etc. I know a few people (friends,family) who may not be in the same situation as you but have moved to start again again and they are really happy........

The best look what ever you decide but dont knock this idea straight away as you will be moving away from a interfering mother in law and leaving your troubles behind, remember your not running away but starting a new life with
"your Family" and at the end of the day you want to provide for them and make a good life for them and you....

Best of luck....;)

Elessar

Mark,

Thats a tough situation you're in. Don't worry though. You said you gave up drink years ago and because of that, you met a lovely girl who's now your wife AND you now have a baby boy from her. Just remember that everytime you feel like having a drink. In fact, you're very lucky that your wife is still with you. Most women would have left by now and taken the kids. So be thankfull that you do have a great family.

Like others have said, maybe start learning a trade. Or go and drive a cab, be a hackney, or get a taxi plate if you can afford it. You dont need a reference for that. It doesn't have to be a long term job, just until you get yourself on your feet financially. One you've done that, you can concentrate on getting an apartment/house, even renting it. Getting back to living with your family and away from the mother-in-law should be your first priority after you get some financial stability. I know you have a mortgage to pay, but maybe talk to your bank and see if they can work out a lesser payment per week/month but over a longer period. This will help the two of you.

Chin up, just think what you've gotten in life over the last 8 years. You now have a responsibility to your son, to see him raised and loved. Although you might fail to see it at this point, he needs you more than you can imagine (from someone who grew up without one).

Don't forget you have a right to feel down and depressed. Just don't let it get the better of you. You have much to live for.

AngryBadger

Sounds to me like you're a stand-up guy Mark, but you dropped the ball on this one. No biggie, everyone makes mistakes, and sounds like your mother-in-law is a stone cold bitch, you've obviously been under a lot of pressure.

Now then, that's out of the way. Talk to a professional first off, or someone close to you, other than your wife maybe. Job wise, for now all you need is something to pay the bills, and there're jobs out there, maybe not the particular kind of job you like, but until you find that, you need some kind of job, something that'll give you back your self-respect.

There's much bigger issues here, your mther-in-law is obviously putting huge stress on your relationship with your wife. But don't try to deal with that for now. Sort yourself out first. Talk to a professional. Find a job that suits you. Keep seeing your wife, tel her your doing this, and obviously stay away from the drink. THEN you can deal with your mother in law, and your wife's family.

But for now, forget about her, right now you're looking at this mess of a situation and all you're thinking is I need a job, I have all these bills to pay, her family hates me, I can't see her whenever I turn around, and so son, and so on. Put that stuff aside for now. Those are bigger problems that'll take time to fix. ut you can't do that until you fix yourself.

You're doing the best you can for now, you're using your dole to keep up the re-payments, and you're staying off the drink. Give yourself the time, and the space to digest the situation, after that you'll realise that you can deal with this situation.

Best of Luck

MrNuked

Sounds like you take more upon yourself, and more crap off certain people, than anyone can deal with for long. There is only so much you can do, and so much you can take, and you need to recognise that, and not feel like you ought to do more than you can.
Your brother in law should take his mother into his house, since he judges you after you did. Your wife should stand up to her family and she and your son should be living with you. Anything else is outrageous.
Hard to know what else to say without really knowing the situation.

MarinoMark

I am overcome by the warm and compassionate response to my post, I will try and answer the above,if I have left anything out, Give me a moment till I read the replys again................................"I cannot imagine what its like for you, can i ask where is your wife and kids now staying". They are still living with her mother............................When I go to an aa meeting I go because it helps, but also to get away from my own mother "its all your own fault"...She also drinks every night so I dont go near her after 10 pm..then the ****e talk begins. I have my own room,tv,broadband,ipod.4000 songs on my pc, but would trade it all for a tent, and my family. I have a job offer, not sure when it starts, (they need a minimum amount of people before they start a course). It is shift work,I dont care, just wish they would tell me when i can start. On a nice note, my neighbour, an elderley woman (her son was once the Ireland football manager, He also played most of his career with portsmouth) You are welcome to guess !! gave me a car !! things are looking up...Thank you all...mark

galwaydude

Hi Mark,

Good to hear about the job offer. Things are already looking up for you.

So who is this former ireland manager then?

MarinoMark

ok , Eoin hand, Nite