Workplace crush. Akward situation.

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this one :-)

A bit of an akward situation at work is unfolding. First the stats: Me, I'm male, mid 20's and straight.

Now there is a new guy at work who I was metoring for a few weeks when he first started. He seemed nice enough, but a bit camp and so far in the closet, it was very obvious that he was gay and 'trying not to be' if you know what I mean. No problems with that, each to their own i say.

Anyway, I finished working directly with him about 2 months ago. Its quite normal for new starts to ask questions of their initial mentors on an on-going basis if they need help, but recently this guy has been paying me a lot of visits.

I am getting the impression that he has a bit of a thing for me and I'm beginning to feel akward as I'm definitely not gay and for some reason he may think I am.

He is asking me a lot of work related questions (more than normal for his intelligence level) and just generally finding any excuse to stop by my desk and basically flirting. I dont think its him just being friendly either. One of my other colleagues noticed it and has commented on it too...

Now I know when I flirt with a girl that you try and talk to them about any random crap, but you just look for an excuse to say hello etc... When I stepped back and thought about how I would flirt with someone, it is very obvious he is doing it to me!!!

I just really dont know what to do about it. Do I say something to him? Do I talk to HR? My boss?

Any thoughts you may have would be helpful. Thanks..........

0utshined

You said he's just talking random crap so what makes you think he's flirting? Maybe he's not settled and finds it easier to take a break by talking to someone he knows already rather than trying to talk to people he doesn't know yet. If it was a guy who you didn't think was gay would you have noticed it?

Also, camp != gay.

LegacyUser

I can just tell that he is flirting and I'm trying to keep a professional relationship in place. They start in groups and he has mates in work that he started with, so its not that i'm the only person he knows.

I noticed it as I thought it was a bit odd and over bearing to say the least. It kinda goes over the professional niceness level if you know what I mean. There is a level that colleagues should stay at and he is invading my personal space. I've noticed long stares etc across the office and I've caught him a few times as I have been walking by 'checking me out'!

I know that camp doesn't mean someone is gay.

*Oul_Doll_Cork*

Maybe you should just mention your 'girlfriend' in a conversation! Like "oh I'd love to help you out now but I am meeting my girlfriend for lunch!" .. or something along those lines!! Let him know your straight without embarassing him because maybe he is straight too and just enjoys chatting with you?? Some people who are highly flirtatious are known to flirt with people of the same sex.... you could be just reading into it too much because you think he is gay!! (but he might not be!!)

Or maybe he is flirting with you because you look camp??? hehe

[Jackass]

Why would you say anything? Jesus man, ditach yourself from the situation..if he has a work related question, give him a work related answer...if he wants to talk about pony's, sorry man, im busy, can you get back to me?

He'll get the message...just treat it like a situation as if a fat bird was talking to you...ignore her.

pbsuxok1znja4r

0utshined wrote:

You said he's just talking random crap so what makes you think he's flirting? Maybe he's not settled and finds it easier to take a break by talking to someone he knows already rather than trying to talk to people he doesn't know yet. If it was a guy who you didn't think was gay would you have noticed it?

Also, camp != gay.

Heh, I like the C code language in there.
But yeah, are you sure he's actually flirting? I imagine someone who is so blatantly gay would be fairly overt and forward about their flirting.

Laguna

What I'd do next time he came round to your desk would be simple. He'd be making small talk and all of a sudden I'd start saying something like, "Phwoar, did you see that Roxanne on Soapstar/Superstar the other night?.. jesus, I'd nail her to the wall!". If he still doesn't get the hint after that he either has skin thicker than a Buffalo or has no powers of deduction.

illicit007

DubGuy wrote:

He'll get the message...just treat it like a situation as if a fat bird was talking to you...ignore her.

Boo-ya-ka-sha!

AngryBadger

DubGuy wrote:

if he has a work related question, give him a work related answer...if he wants to talk about pony's, sorry man, im busy, can you get back to me?

lmfao I freakin love it, especially considering I hate talking about ponies

What's the big deal though? I mean, you're not gay, and you think he might be, so what? I can understand it's a bit awkward in the workplace, but......tbh I don't even understand why it's awkward. You're not giving him any signs that you're interested, and you're not gay yourself, so it's not like anything's going to happen........right?

shakenbake

Don't talk to your boss or HR, you feckin eejit !

This is easily nipped in the bud by being realtively cold to him. Don't entertain him at all in flirtatious situations and if he asks you a question he should know simply say it to him in return that he should know all this by now, which will put him into defense mode. Body language is your friend ! Birds have been doin this to blokes since the dawn of time, have you learned nothing?

Beruthiel

DubGuy wrote:

He'll get the message...just treat it like a situation as if a fat bird was talking to you...ignore her.

DubGuy
I would appreciate it, if you would keep unhelpful and idiotic comments (such as the one above) to yourself.
They are not welcome in this forum and I'll ban you for the next one.
B

440Hz

unreggy wrote:

I just really dont know what to do about it. Do I say something to him? Do I talk to HR? My boss?

Uhhhmm NO. If this was a female that you were not interested in and had taken a shine to you would you report her to HR? I think not. Why should this be any different. Let's just say that you are right and he is in fact flirting with you... well, like I said if it was a girl and you were not interested what would you do?
Whatever that is, do the same here!

I would say don't make up stories about girlfriends if you dont have one, those plans can always backfire... If you do have a gf, then mention her for sure. If not, then just make some comment about some random girl, just as a subtle hint. Chances are he knows you are not interested but is flirting with you anyway cos he enjoys it. Does not mean he thinks it will go anywhere, or does not necc. mean he wants it to either.

Good luck with it. But id say just relax tbh.

Stark

I wouldn't suggest being cold to him. At the end of the day, you have to maintain some sort of cordial atmosphere in the workplace. Team integration is the thing these days and god knows I've had to make up stupid questions for people in the past so I'd look alert and interested.

People in positions of authority/support have been dealing with unwanted advances from their staff(male/female) since time began practically. Just carry on behaving in a professional but friendly manner towards him. Maybe give him altnernative contacts for his questions. "You know, such and such could give you great help on that" and the like. Eventually he'll integrate properly into the company and his attention will drift elsewhere.

The Corinthian

unreggy wrote:

Now there is a new guy at work who I was metoring for a few weeks when he first started. He seemed nice enough, but a bit camp and so far in the closet, it was very obvious that he was gay and 'trying not to be' if you know what I mean. No problems with that, each to their own i say.

I really do think you’re jumping to conclusions. Firstly he’s in the company only a few months and you were his mentor. It’s natural that he sees you as a ‘friendly’ face at work, especially if he’s failed to get on particularly friendly terms with his other colleagues.

Secondly, he may be both camp and heterosexual, which is not uncommon - so you do have to ask yourself the question that if he were not camp, would you feel as uncomfortable? How is his behaviour flirting, outside of his being camp?

Having said that, I was in a similar situation years ago and shrugged it off as the chap just being new to the company and a bit camp - then he announced that he was getting a sex change...

LegacyUser

Well a month or so has passed and I had taken on board the replies in this thread, which were helpful... thanks guys..

I tried to keep a relative distance as best as possible without making it obvious that I was trying to ignore him. If he asked me something I'd let him know what he needed to know and left it at that. I have also been genuinely quite busy, so I also didn't have that much time for him and referred him to people who had time etc.

I dont have a girlfriend so I couldn't use that as a hint dropper, but there was a work night out a few weeks ago where I kissed one of the girls from the office who I really liked. He was also there and he saw me with her. I didn't talk to him that night until we were leaving and he seemed a bit odd and 'flustered' with me as if he was embarrased or something like that... so i think that my initial assumption may be true.

Anyway since that night he hasn't really spoken to me that much...

All in all an akward situation, but hopefully it has passed...

With what I said about talking to HR or a boss or something like that, I dont think I would have done that, I was just a bit freaked out i think.

Again thanks for the replies guys.