Found start of old sitcom...

fade2black

At the moment I'm writing a sitcom with a mate of mine...we've sent the pilot to a few production companies and agents and we've had some interest but as yet, nothing to get too excited about.

Anyway, I'm not going to post that up but I have attached one that I started to write a couple of years ago. The tone is similiar to what we're writing at the moment but it's not as good cause I suppose my writing has got better with age...or experience or something.

It's only a couple of pages and you'll probably understand why I chose not to finish this one but the reason why I'm putting it up is because I want to see if there's a gap for a sitcom similar to this on the Irish Televisual market. My writing style hasn't changed that much so I suppose this, in style at least, is not too far off what we have going now. (my writing partner has a very similar style to me)

I'd be delighted to hear any kind of comments you have because it will help with the deliver of the new baby and I definitely value the opinions of the writers and TV watchers in boards land.

Custom22

There are vast spaces of bickering about pants and shirts that just isn't funny at all really. I lost interest after that. I'd say keep it quick and not too strung out over one topic. It's all a bit bland.

fade2black

Damn..the first post always dictates whether anyone else will view it!

Thanks for the reply anyway.

lizzyd66

I really liked it - reminded me a bit of the banter in Batchelors Walk. Best of luck with your current stuff.

Catrina

hey everyone!!!!!! i just joined........:D

fade2black

Catrina wrote:

hey everyone!!!!!! i just joined........:D

Lizzy thanks for your comments, I liked Batchelors Walk alright...I just kinda wanted to get an indication of what people thought of the tone of it and I guess would something similar work on our tellys at the moment.

TerrorFirmer

I like it. It's well written and shows promise. You have to remember also these things need to be visualized as they are ultimately intended to be acted out and in that sense I think it could be excellent given a good cast

fade2black

Good point MI, there are a lot of people who are just not able to read sitcoms because they haven't the imagination to visualise the various scenarios. As I said, this rough little piece is a couple of years old but it is similar to the one that we have the hopes for. I might PM ya the pilot some time cause you seem to be a fan of the movies and TV so I'm sure you know what you like.

Custom22

fade2black wrote:

Good point MI, there are a lot of people who are just not able to read sitcoms because they haven't the imagination to visualise the various scenarios. As I said, this rough little piece is a couple of years old but it is similar to the one that we have the hopes for. I might PM ya the pilot some time cause you seem to be a fan of the movies and TV so I'm sure you know what you like.

You see that's my main problem right there. I don't know what I like and I have no imagination. Riiiiiigghhhht

Goodshape

I liked it. Good banter going on and well written.

Hard to see where the story was going (well, there's not very much of it) but it did leave me wanting more.

The conversation between Mary and Pat was the only downpoint I thought. Seemed a bit redundent at times and went on too long. The tourists and the shop itself was good craic though. I can see how that could be a fairly ****ty job alright

If something like this was on the telly I'd probably tune in.

fade2black

Custom22 wrote:

You see that's my main problem right there. I don't know what I like and I have no imagination. Riiiiiigghhhht

Jesus, what's with the oversensitivity, I was generalising and not talking about you at all. You have your right to an opinion and with regards to this little piece you're probably right.

Goodshape, thanks for reading it...I can't really talk much about the points you made cause as I said it didn't survive what you saw there...I would like a couple of people to read the pilot of the new one though as I'd be interested in hearing where they think it go or how it could be improved.

Custom22

I was not entirely serious! :rolleyes:

fade2black

I fucking hate that rolleyes smiley.

I know you weren't being serious, you were being sarcastic.

Custom22

Well if you knew I wasn't being serious then what's with your reaction?

Goodshape

fade2black wrote:

I would like a couple of people to read the pilot of the new one though as I'd be interested in hearing where they think it go or how it could be improved.

Here if you need me

fade2black wrote:

I fucking hate that rolleyes smiley.

And I agree wholeheartedly.

Gross Halfwit

Ehm...no offense but I found it un-funny. You obsessed over a few little things and scenes were dragged out without a joke. For example the Jeans bit, the gay bit . . . I stopped reading after that... sorry. You missed out on a few gags here and there TBH. Like when one of the dudes is lookign for his keys...the other guy says they're on the TV. A joke could have been made here about his keys actually featuring in a tv show.

A - Wheres my Keys?
B - On the TV.
C - Yeah they're playing a bad guy in the bill.

Maybe not incredibly funny there but Im in work and its early.

It may seem a little bit prejudiced and may alienate some of your audience but I think a few more gay jokes could have been made in the bar. The ring binder gag was interesting but could have been elaborated upon.

A - Heard hes a bit of a ring binder.
B - How do you mean?
A - He's hardly a folder, is he!
C - Well , depends on whose turn it is.

Again, probably not the funniest thing on the planet but its early!

All the names are a bit too OIRISH you know. Variety is the spice of life! But keep it up. I see you are writing it with a partner which is always good if you are doing a conversational Script.

fade2black

No offense taken and thanks for taking the time to read (some) of it. The names thing has never bothered me much, I'm not going to make up some stupid name just to add some variety....people that age in Ireland are called Barry, Jason, Pat etc...I take the point though and it's slightly different in the other one.

Also I'm not a huge fan of cramping jokes into every second line as it just makes things too contrived and unbelievable. I know it can be essential for a sitcom but it ain't Friends and I was trying to create some kind of balance. The bit with the Keys I noticed straight away when I read it for the first time in a while the other night. It does seem a little pointless on the whole cause there's no humour at all there....allI can think of was that I was dropping it in there for some reason relating to something that was gonna happen later on.

Thanks for the remarks anyway, quite helpful.

fade2black

Here's the other one. Needs another draft, the first scene I think is particularly week so that will be revamped.

Gross Halfwit

I read all of ACT 1 and didnt really find it that funny to be honest. Sorry. There was one or two little flashes of humour like ; The bit where he does Jane's voice as an italian and he gets corrected that shes from laois. Nice. But you could have made this a bit more outlandish ie; william shatners voice instead and then you could have broken out into the accent bit.

Hating melanie could be a lot more pronounced and gives license to be pretty cruel too. One little joke I thought of regarding bill/monty hating melanie is that if he spends any time with her he could develop a melanoma...shes the melanator...ever notice how melanie and melancholy begin with the same letters...if she was a pokemon shed be a bulbasaur (response; I dont get that one) I hate bulbasaur!

When Jane says she is doing a PHD...someone could ask what PHD stands for then jus tstart rhyming off possible comical meanings. Or he could get PHD confused with someother abbreviation ie; PMT or PMS and respond accordingly untill he is corrected.

"MONTY
Jane… your protests fall on deaf ears… I can see it now. A young, go-getting intellectual like yourself, and an old master like him hooking up for a dangerous game of physical chess. He advances, you recoil. You advance, he recoils and then… Well let me tell you something missy, you’re playing with fire there. And I’m not a fire chief."
There is scope her for a more punchier piece. Create a mad character in Monty/bill so you can me as surreal as you like and almosty pythonesque. It adds depth to the characters.

"MONTY
That’s the spirit! Then you’ll want to beat him. Come on, get your stuff together…we’re outta here (points to the road).

BILL
She’s in for another three hours Mont.

MONTY
Mentally. Mentally hit the road, look at her. She’s already there.
good."

I liked this bit though.

Possible variation on a scene.
MONTY
My CV is sitting on every desk in town.

BILL
Putting them on every desk in Bargaintown doesnt count

Although you dont believe in cramming in jokes I think the old rule of writing comedy is to have 3 jokes per page? Best thing to do is to cram as many jokes in as possible even to the detriment of the flow of the scene and then whittle away those that dont work. As for being too contrived with all those jokes myself and my mates can sit around for an hour in stitches talking about ****! so It can happen.

Good luck with future work and I hope I wasnt too critical.

fade2black

You're a strange one...you open up with I read all of ACT 1, didn't find it funny to be honest, then you go on to list a couple of things that you did find funny.

I'm always ready to listen to constructive criticism but if you're not prepared to read the whole thing then you really can't comment properly.

I like things to read easily, be naturally funny and seem somewhat realistic...there are some chopping and mopping to be done there but I'm definitely not one for throwing jokes in every second line. I've seen it tried and fail in too many irish sitcoms.

Custom22

Didn't REALLY find it THAT funny is what was said.

fade2black

Well read the rest and we'll pray for an improvement

Gross Halfwit

Custom22 wrote:

Didn't REALLY find it THAT funny is what was said.

Thanks 22.

fade2black

I was getting confused as to who said what. Apologies

kingofvillan

That was one of the most unfunny dire pieces of poo i have ever read. I mean have you ever actually seen a sitcom before. I bet your the type who thinks your life is ever so crazy and funny. NEWSFLASH Its not. Just because things are funny in real life doesnt mean they're funny on screen. Your script read like the equivalent of a "you had to be there" story.

"I like things to read easily, be naturally funny and seem somewhat realistic...there are some chopping and mopping to be done there but I'm definitely not one for throwing jokes in every second line. I've seen it tried and fail in too many irish sitcoms."
This kind of sums up your sitcom! 1.Its not naturally funny and realistic isn't funny!
2. I think you really have to cut this down and throw it away, better for everybody i think!
3. Sitcoms are all about having jokes every second line, isn't that the point. Yours is like some crappy Bachelors Walk comedy drama. Sitcoms have defined characters which sets them up for crazy situations. All your characters are like the same person, just because they have a sense of humour doesnt make them funny to watch.

Even when you do attempt jokes they make no sense
"I wouldn’t place any bets on that. Last week she asked me if the people who sold the Big Issue get taxed at twenty percent or forty-three?"
If shes so stupid how come she knows the tax rates?

If its constructive criticism your looking for, here it is. You ready for this.................................MAKE IT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!

fade2black

Thanks for your honesty.

EDIT: Reading through every other post you've made on this forum I'd like to retract my thanks and tell you to go fuck yourself.

I reread this sitcom this week and rang my writing buddy..I just told him that I didn't think some of the dialogue was believable, and a lot of work was indeed needed. The joke you highlighted in my opinion has never been funny but he wants to keep it in. There are good and bad aspects about both our inputs but I do think there is potential there.

Definition of sitcom:

situation comedy: a humorous drama based on situations that might arise in day-to-day life

There doesn't have to be jokes in every second line.

kingofvillan

Are you actually implying that the rest of my comments on this forum weren't totally spot on! I mean come on that Lord of the rings reject and the ever so pretencious poetry! I can't help it if everything on this forum is complete crap! Fair enough your willing to admit that your comedy is less than perfect, now all you have to do is admit that its just not funny. Call me old fashioned but you say that it doesnt need a joke a minute(by the way i love the way you actually loked up the definition of situation comedy, like that makes yours anymore funny), how about at least a joke an episode! What can i say im a perfectionist!

Despite my criticisms this is still probably better than most of the tripe that is on RTE eg Pure Mule, Big Bow Wow, Naked Camera and most of all Stew(come on a sketch show without jokes, thats a new low)! I expect to see your show on tv quite soon! Mmmm mmm mmm two birds with one stone now thats perfection!

segadreamcast

kingofvillan wrote:

Are you actually implying that the rest of my comments on this forum weren't totally spot on! I mean come on that Lord of the rings reject and the ever so pretencious poetry! I can't help it if everything on this forum is complete crap! Fair enough your willing to admit that your comedy is less than perfect, now all you have to do is admit that its just not funny. Call me old fashioned but you say that it doesnt need a joke a minute(by the way i love the way you actually loked up the definition of situation comedy, like that makes yours anymore funny), how about at least a joke an episode! What can i say im a perfectionist!

Despite my criticisms this is still probably better than most of the tripe that is on RTE eg Pure Mule, Big Bow Wow, Naked Camera and most of all Stew(come on a sketch show without jokes, thats a new low)! I expect to see your show on tv quite soon! Mmmm mmm mmm two birds with one stone now thats perfection!

Hey, this guy is far funnier - maybe he should write a sitcom...

fade2black

Yeah...

Sarky

Back on topic, kiddies.