Feel like a freak

LegacyUser

OK, this a longish story but it is really getting to me now.

All my life, I've left like I don't fit in. I remember even being 5 years old and feeling different from the other kids, I was the loner that sat by themselves at breaktime etc, when I didn't have any friends. When I did make friends at this age (primary school), I only ever had 1 or 2 at a time, and then they would leave, as there were many kids whose parents were in the army, they'd stay for 6 months and then move again, so I was constantly changing best friends. I always remember feeling like I was on the outside looking in, and this has got worse and worse as I've got older. I've always been in lala land, daydreaming and making up scenarios in my head, imagining I'm other people, and this too has got worse with age (I'm 20 now).

Now in high school I did have a group of friends, about 5 girls, but we weren't really close, more just schoolmates. However I did feel I could be myself with them, with 'my group', but with everyone else I seemed so so shy. The thing is, I'm not really shy and retiring at all, if I have a problem I say it etc, so I think I have something more serious. I literally say NOTHING in large groups of people I don't know really well, which leads people to think I'm snobby. I just don't have anything to say. It puzzled my teachers at school cos I have had quite an interesting life, travelled etc, I am very well spoken and articulate, but I can never think of anything to say to people my age. I have this phobia that they'll think I'm weird or boring, and just won't like me. I was bullied as a child so that could be part of it. I just feel really inferior and stupid compared to other people my age, even though I know it isn't true.

When I started college, thank God I was introduced to a really friendly girl on my course on the first day, who introduced me to other people and we formed a group of friends, who are now still my best friends. Because the classes were tiny, we spent so much time together so I felt comfortable with them, and was happier for a while. However I had to do an Erasmus year this year. My friend was meant to come but dropped out at the last minute so I ended up coming alone. This made me a bit nervous but everyone said not to worry, there'll be loads of other Erasmus to make friends with, etc. I did meet loads of people in the first week but everyone kept changing classes and by the time the classes settled down, everyone already seemed to have friends! Loads of people came with friends and stuck with them, but all the 'single' Erasmus people are all buddie buddies and I can't work out how. Nobody is particularly friendly in classes, and they're all huge lectures where you can't talk to people, there are no discussion classes or participation like at home which makes it even worse. 4 months have passed and I still have no friends at college. Not a single one. I try to talk to people but it never gets past the awkward stage. Several times I've gone for coffee with someone, thought it had gone really well, and then the next time they saw me they completely ignored me and I was back to square one. After coming back to college after Christmas yesterday, I saw other Erasmus people hugging each other and jumping around and I literally wanted to cry. I just CAN NOT understand how they made friends with people when I can't, how they know what to say etc. I even feel like this with my flatmates, there are 4 of us but I always get ignored and when I do get a chance to talk to them I don't know what to say.

I have a feeling I come across as uninterested, because I am incapable of making the first move, or overly enthusiastic, because I talk a lot out of nervousness. There has to be some reason NOBODY really talks to me. A friend of a friend once told her I seemed nice, but very distant, and that's how I FEEL. But I don't know what to do about it. I am desperate to have friends here, I'm so bored and lonely! And frustrated that I'm wasting away what should be the best year of my life worrying and being unhappy. My lack of social awareness is also hampering my language learning, as I am incapable of chatting to native speakers in shops etc. I want to go to parties to meet people, but I have no one to go with so I don't go, its a vicious circle! Why on earth can't I identify with people my own age?
My friends wouldn't believe it if they knew I had written this post, as I am completely different with people I know well, it's just new people. What can I do?

py2006

I was kinda like that when I was younger. I was very shy, found it hard to communicate with others and did spend a great deal of my time on my own.

The one thing that I found really helped me was when I started working in a shop. I was very nervous at first but after a period of time I seemed to loosen up. I became very friendly and chatty with the customers and we had some great banter going. It really brought me out of my shell.

The best thing to do is to constantly mix with people. Try your hardest to get conversations going.

Join classes etc. The best way to resolve is it constantly have yourself surrounded by people so you become accustomed to communicating etc. At the moment your accustomed to the opposite.

I am not sure if this is helpful or not.

Best of luck!

turbot

I think that you are:

Pretty smart
Kinda rebelious
You have lots of energy
You're also quite strong willed and strong minded

I can't help but feel that:

You push people away from you
You're a strong person
You're not physically relaxed and find it difficult to really relax
You're socially conscious, because you can be quite intense and people can find you overbearing

Smart ways to help yourself are:

Do drama / acting classes to become more expressive
Do yoga / meditation / physical exercise (and lots of it) to use up some of your nervous energy
Drink less coffee / caffiene
Get massages; even do some courses in massage to help you relax, and help you have ways to relax others
Laugh yourself into being more chilled out; join Laser or one of the video shops with loads of fun videos, and while you have fewer friends, watch loads of comedy shows / films / stand up comedians so that you laugh more, and your mind is filled with ideas that when you are in conversation, you are fun to chat to

I think the girl inside, the you behind your eyes, actually has a lot to offer.

You are being so introverted the world is missing out on the you who'd you be if you were more social.

You also have major barriers around you; you don't seem to let people in; it's a waste to protect yourself from a social life that would be more fun, though you do this instinctively.

PM me for some more suggestions...

Crucifix

I'm the same, very shy with new people, but completely fine with friends.
All I can say is don't give up. Keep trying to socialise with the people around you, even if you only say something interesting/funny every so often, it should hopefully snowball until you break down the shyness-barrier.

Mick L

One of the problems you might be having with thinking of something to say is that you don't know what it is you have in common with people. obviously the more you get to know someone the more you have in common and the conversation becomes easier, you feel more comfortable etc. If you can see what societies and clubs are available in college, if any, that you might have an interest in. Everyone in each club will have at least something in common which will help get the ball rolling.

ARGINITE

Ya im pretty much the same way around new people not as bad as I was. It takes a lot of effort to overcome this all I can say is keep tyring no matter how hard it seems and eventually you will make friends. Also try sitting beside different people every day during lectures and start a conversation with them, join loads of clubs/soc's it's the easyest way of meeting new people in college.