Seeking advice on relationships

Anon77

Ok here goes.... if the post is too long apologies...

I'm 28 and have been going out with a girl for over a year and a half. We'd had mutual friends since we were teenagers, and got together after seeing each other socially at parties and stuff over a period of weeks, always ending up talking and spending most of the night together, just as friends. We got on really well, it developed further fairly slowly into a physical relationship, and as I say we've been going out for about a year and a half.

Things have been going well, or should I say things haven't been going badly, but I'm just not sure that this is going to last. There was a time a while ago where we would row over stupid stuff, fights over nothing - you know the type, but I always felt like it was me who had to make the first move at reconciliation. I got sick of this and stopped, so things would drag out over days. We made an effort to get over this, and we have.

From a physical point of view, I'm far more highly sexed than she is, and usually have to make the first move. It's not that she doesn't enjoy sex, she does, but sometimes I wonder if I didn't initiate it when we would have sex at all... She's said before she doesn't like giving oral sex (although she's never had a problem receiving), which I have to admit annoys me, I make a lot of effort to please her sexually and I just don't feel it's recipricated.

The physical element aside, there are communication problems there as well. Talking on the phone for example can be very strained at times, again I feel that it's me who has to make the bulk of the effort.

She says she loves me (she said it before I did), and I love her too, but I am beginning to doubt whether I am "in love" with her. It's a harsh thing to say, but it's just the way I'm feeling these days. I don't enjoy her company as much as I used to, again it's not that we don't get on, we get on well, but it's just not the same as it was when it started, that magic of the first while going out with someone. We've kind of talked about it, and are both aware that it's not the same. But this is natural right? I mean, the new-ness of a relationship is only going to last a couple of months or so... right?

Finally, I'm finding it very hard to say no to other girls. Twice over Christmas, there were situations where 2 different girls made attempts to be with me, one of which would have led to no-strings sex, the other I'm not sure where that would lead (she's going out with someone). Both times I didn't act, but I really really wanted to.

AngryBadger

Sounds to me like you're not into the relationship, just to cover all the bases I'd say all this to her, and if no good comes of that I'd say my goodbyes

Peace

-Less than compatible sex drives.
-Starting to have doubts about the relationship in general.
-Starting to feel things are strained in the relationship.
-Coming closer to cheating on her.

How much of this have you talked to her about?

At least bailt out before you do the dirt. Then you can hold your head high and say you both gave it a good whirl and finished it before it all went sour.

Can you see yourself with her in a marriage and kids?

Nalz

Anon77 wrote:

She says she loves me (she said it before I did), and I love her too, but I am beginning to doubt whether I am "in love" with her.

Only you can answer that question tbh

Anon77 wrote:

Finally, I'm finding it very hard to say no to other girls. Twice over Christmas, there were situations where 2 different girls made attempts to be with me, one of which would have led to no-strings sex,

You can only answer that one too...But even if your thinkin this way it kinda answers the above question.

Anon77 wrote:

the other I'm not sure where that would lead (she's going out with someone). Both times I didn't act, but I really really wanted to.

That could lead to diaster, I'd stay well clear. especially if u know the fella well

py2006

Sounds to me like the relationship is very rocky!

Especially since its you who seems to be initiating everything. If you feel like you have to try hard to converse, be intimate etc then things aren't right. Perhaps your more suited to being just friends.

Lux23

If you are having this many doubts then it looks like the realtionship needs to end. It would be better to do it now then wait till things go badly.

chump

It sounds to me like it's over, you just need to end it...

Best for all in the long run...

Yall no doubt hurt her doing it, but that's part of the game...

Anon77

Thanks for all the advice, most of which is saying to just end it. It's not that easy though, I mean what's the main reason - "I don't think it's going to work out in the long run"..... would be hard for anyone to swallow...

I don't think it's the right approach to say everything I've said here to her - "I love you but I'm not sure if I'm in love with you" -> that's a definite start to breaking up with someone...

It's just so hard, there's so many good things about our relationship, and maybe it's just me and a phase that will pass.... A year and a half is a lot to throw away for me, but I know what you mean about ending it before either one of us gets too hurt. I was in a long-term relationship when I was younger, about 4 years, and after that the most I lasted was about 3 months until this one. I was so afraid of getting badly hurt again, that after a couple of months I'd take a long hard look, and if I didn't see it lasting forever, I'd end it, very cold I'd imagine but sub-conscious self-defense. I'm just not sure if it's that kind of thing kicking in again

Lux23

How long have you had these feelings? Think of it this way in another month it will be Valentines and wouldn't you feel awfully insincere giving her a card that says I love you.

Anon77

Lux23 wrote:

How long have you had these feelings? Think of it this way in another month it will be Valentines and wouldn't you feel awfully insincere giving her a card that says I love you.

Always had slight feelings of insecurity, but the serious thoughts I suppose started after we had a row back in October I'd say.
Yes I would feel pretty insincere doing a big Valentines day thing

Dizzyblabla

you're only going to make yourself miserable if you stay with her, and you'll start resenting her for, not so much wasting your time, but for having stayed with her when you could find someone who is 'more' right for you.
Breaking up is hard to do, but better off being done while you're still in good terms.
A neighbour of mine told me once that a relationship had to be 50-50, the minute one person does more for the relationship, then it wouldn't work. I broke up with my b/f that night.