Beaten As A Child - Reconciliation With Parent Possible?

LegacyUser

Please god this is posting under the "Cautious" nick and not the regular boards one.

I'm middle aged, I live by myself in a small flat and have pretty much zero social life. I drink a lot, mostly to fill the time outside of work, I'm in a fairly good job and earn a reasonable income (most goes on drink) but am able to conceal it enough for my workmates not to question me.
When a girl talks to me I always blush and stumble over my words, it wasn't always like this.

As a kid I was the eldest of 4 children and had lots of school friends in my early years (girls and boys pre teen).
As i got older my mother started to beat me, the wooden spoon came out for every minor transgression, on one ocassion she broke it she was hitting me so hard.
I remember sitting in mass feeling the bruises under my hair and really hating her.
She put me down on every possible occassion to visitors , basically made me feel as small as possibe whilst treating my younger brother as the favourite..I honestly dont know why, only possible reason I can think of is that he was born naturally but I was prelonged and had to be induced and was incubated for several weeks aparently so was never breastfed etc..so perhaps the maternal bond never happened (I've spent many years trying to justify why she beat me like that, trying to understand her hatred of me).

Anyhow, to cut a long story short, as soon as I became able to support myself I moved out and havent seen my brothers or sisters in about 10 years now.
By chance I bumped into my uncle (my Godfather) a while ago in the carpark outside work, turns out his daughter married a guy in the same company as me (different department).
My uncle's a really nice guy and has since been sending me emails inviting me to family getogethers etc, and I feel utterly crap not responding to him, fact is I know he means the best, but to this day the feelings of utter utter defenseless desperation for my mother to stop hitting me has left me wishing nothing to do at all with my family as the pain still hurts very very badly.

What should i do?, his son in law pops over to my desk every once in a while now full of chat but I really feel uncomfortable, don't know if my uncle knows the full story but suspect he might have an idea but not the full picture and is trying to make misguided attempts to bring me back into the family.

I just want to get on with my life and having been making positive changes in the last few months but this really really has me thrown for a loop.

I'd especially appreciate anyone thats been beaten as a child feedback on this, how have you dealt with it, did you manage to reconcile, mentally how did you straighten it all out?

Nevyn

I would first suggest that you go and get some couselling so that you an talk about what happend and how it has effected you.
Give you a chance to face what ever emotions talking about what happened to you and to acknowledge them.
Only when you have done that would you be able to be in a better place and a stronger place to face and talk to your family.

LegacyUser

Hi,

also a regular poster but going anon for this. I was also abused, it started when I was very young and only stopped when I left home, but when I was home the threat of violence was always there. I did go to councelling about it (to stop any chance of history repeating itself), it turned out that the person who abused me was abused as well... my sibling has blocked out memories of the abuse of me, though I know that they have admitted it to friends. I still get flash backs...

In the end I did get some kind of resolution, it was like walking on egg shells with the person but I spent time with them in open spaces. The person has since been ill and is getting another chance so I suppose that I am lucky.

Sorry for being vague - my best wishes to you,

Anon

Victor

Especially seeing as you seem to be relatively alone, I would certainly consider the councelling (ask your GP for a local list / recommendation).

Certainly you should be able to discuss this before you interact with your abuser / those nearby.

I would move gradually, rather than suddenly.

Zillah

Cautious wrote:

but to this day the feelings of utter utter defenseless desperation for my mother to stop hitting me has left me wishing nothing to do at all with my family as the pain still hurts very very badly.

You're middle aged now? I'd say that seeing your mother would be very beneficial. You'd see her not as a terrifying authority figure, but probably as the weak old woman she's become. Would probably do wonders for your feelings on the issue.

Just a thought.

Beruthiel

Cautious
I am also the eldest of 4, our mother beat us all the time, wooden spoon, tree branch, broom handle, whatever was handy.
We all left home as soon as it was possible to do so.
I wished her dead all through my teens and would have been so happy at the time if that had happened.
At the age of 28 I read a book called "My Mother, Myself" by Nancy Friday, it helped me to see her in another light, I cannot say our relationship is as it should be, but it has defo gotten better in the last years.
Read the book, see a professional and try to start to see your family again. Your uncle has reached out to you, grasp it. I feel that you regret the way thinks turned out, especially with your siblings, don't feel embarrassed, they will be as happy to see you as you will be to see them.

LegacyUser

That was a brave admission.

I too was beaten. It has made me a proper bastard. I don't let anyone get the better of me in any way, wife, kids, anyone. Nobody will ever hurt me again without a fight. I will never change.

Victor

A Beaten Child wrote:

I don't let anyone get the better of me in any way, wife, kids, anyone. Nobody will ever hurt me again without a fight. I will never change.

Thats sounds harsh.

I was bullied in school - a lot. It has tainted how I look at situations. I 'fight' things, but only as a metaphor. And while there are weak moments, violence should only be used against violence and only then to reduce harm, not increase it. Do not 'up the ante'

And we can all change, even if its only a little bit.

LegacyUser

I don't want to hijack the thread but I do want to warn the OP about letting bitterness and anger consume you. It has consumed me to the point where I am constantly tense, just below boiling point, ready to go off for no reason. At this point I know it is so ingrained im my psyche that nothing can be done to erase it. I do my best to control it for the sake of others but I don't always suceed. Although I hate what I am I have learned to accept it and the people close enough to me to know why I am this way make allowance for my harshness. Everyone else can take me or leave me I really don't care.

If you have any chance to take a different path don't become like me.

Beruthiel

A Beaten Child wrote:

If you have any chance to take a different path don't become like me.

I urge you to talk to a professional, you won't be sorry and it can only help

AngryBadger

As always fair dews to everyone else on their advice, and again, talking to a counsellor is always a good idea.

I'd also suggest maybe go for a coffee with your uncles son in law every once in a while. I don't know the specifics of your situation, and I don't mean to presume anything, but you say yourself that this history has affected you, and these things have a way of taking rot in ways we don't realise.

I suggest coffee with the son in law because it's a small step toward addressing the problem. As you say contact with your uncle in the last while has broughta lo of this back to you, which means there is a problem there, and if you could work it out for yourself, it would make life easier for you. But as you say, it's hard to put your toe in the water.

But try a coffee, it's just a coffee, and you may learn something that really helps you out.

Just my two cents. Best of luck

cordelia

My brother experienced much of the anger and abuse that you describe. I was considered the "favourite" child because I was quiet and compliant. I can only speak from a sibling's perspective, but you may be surprised by your siblings should you ever feel strong enough to see them again.
My brother spent years avoiding me, feeling that I was in some way responsible for his abuse. It was only as adults, in discussing it, that he finally realised that I too carried the weight of what had happened to him, as well as the guilt of being unable to prevent it. The abuse of one child effects everyone in the family. My life has been shaped by what I saw my brother go through, by my guilt for not being able to help him (even as I realise that I was just a child myself), by the way I turned my personality into the peacemaker at all costs.
In some families the other children change history in their minds so that it never happened and consider the abused child to be a liar. In other families the children damn well remember what happened but feel paralysed to discuss it with that sibling because of, basically, survivor guilt. I don't know which way your siblings lean; I guess I'm just trying to say that, when you feel strong enough, you may find that you have more supporters that you ever knew. You also may not, which is the sad reality of things.
My brother turned into a bit of a punk for a while then eventually, with therapy and maturity, went on to have a highly respected job, lovely wife and beautiful child. He still bears the scars of what happened, still is a tough and ornery person oftimes, but you can look at him and see the good, likeable person he is inside. He loves me, loves his family, and essentially has forgiven our parents, who were themselves the victims of abuse.
I know that, for my brother at least, therapy provided a way for him to get rid of the abuse he was still getting in his head. Until he was able to release all the anger, see his history as an adult, he was still a little boy in his head, trying to escape the beatings and verbal abuse.
That's really the only valid thing I can add here. I hope it helps you a little.