chuck norris funnies

padraic mchale

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for
30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't
you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured
this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever
saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I
mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away
in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the
1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in
professional football history.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
there.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a f**king Indian.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't
the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as
the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f**k down.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick
the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

Rev Hellfire

You had to be there I'm sure

Loomis

Chuck Norris can divide by zero!

Cabelo

Lads, there is a search function you know. This should have been added to the other Chuck Norris thread.

Mod plz?

ninjawitatitude

This was actually part of that other thread. However Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked this part to the top of the forums

Cabelo

Sometimes I wish Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick Ninjas with dreadful comments...

dent

ninjawitatitude wrote:

This was actually part of that other thread. However Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked this part to the top of the forums

LOL

dent

Cabelo wrote:

Sometimes I wish Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick Ninjas with dreadful comments...

Didn't you know that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked ninjas into existance.

ninjawitatitude

LOL Dent:D

dlofnep

If anyone is wondering why Chuck Norris has come into mainstream internet humour as of late, it is because of the Conan O'Brien skits a couple of months back.

Now you know.

cHUCK NORRIS WILL ROUND HOUSE KICK US ALL IF WE KEEP MENTIONING HIS NAME.

Amz

I fuckin' hope so.

breadmonkey

Amz wrote:

I fuckin' hope so.

Hmm, a clever bypass of the filter. Touché

memphis

Cringe....

Not another Chuck Norris thread!!!

Cabelo

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx


I think that'll learn all of you.

dudara

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer - my favourite

pma-ire

Cabelo wrote:

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx


I think that'll learn all of you.

See! There's no such thing as bad press!!

Cabelo

I heard once Chuck Norris blogged so hard his carreer failed

Loomis

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out
of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card
from the game UNO.

Ah it's just legend!

roo1981

Looks like Chucks gone and roundhouse kicked the Hoff craze into oblivion...

Fall_Guy

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris only refers to himself in the third person.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

That is all.

Loomis

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was
10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this
phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with
water.

There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck
Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.

Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris was dropped at Hiroshima and
Nagasaki.

Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the
special olympics.

On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over.

One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost
his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by it's
technical term: Jupiter.

RedRaven

Question. Who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris and God?
Answer. It would never even happen.
Why. Chuck Norris is God!

ninjawitatitude

Sorry to correct you raven but the correct grammer would be God is Chuck Norris.

NWA