Too flirtatious?

panda100

On filling in a questionare about myself before christmas I asked me mates what is my best quality-they all 'jokingly' said back that i could flirt with the pope given half the chance.Ive been told this on numerous occasions by friends that i am an uncontrollable flirt.This has started to worry me of late as its a habit i cant break and would like to as had caused numerous problems in the past for me with boyfriends etc. For me,flirting is a bit of fun and harmless,and to be honest i do it as much to girls as i do with fellas.Its just being friendly.I never flirt in a overtly sexual way just lots of eye contact,eye laughing,off the cuff remarks etc but i think this is the best way to be when you first meet someone be they a boy or a girl.I think this ingrained as part of my nature now but am worried as i think maybe this could be really off putting to guys?Can guys see that some girls just flirt to be friendly or does she come across as a bit of a tart?

kaimera

girls by nature are natural flirts.

fine when your single but can be problamatic when in a relationship.

catch22. where do you draw the line?

me, I'd be of the opinion some do flirt just to be friendly, some guys flirt just to be friendly.

it's when the other takes the flirting the wrong way it gets awkward.

as a guy, my gf [and she'd be right] is of the opinion I'm a horrible open flirt with any women around me. I dont intend to be, in my eyes I'm just being friendly but there are times it strays beyond friendly.

A curse :v:

tbh, women seeing you 'flirting' with their men would be the first to say tart.

guys wouldn't.

UberNewb

There's no point in flirting with us blokes unless you want to take it further! There's a name for girls who do that. All of the girls I'm friendly with didn't have to flirt to make male friends. I would hate to be your boyfriend!!

kittenkiller

I don't think anyone would take offence to your flirtatious ways.
As you said, it's not overtly sexual but more complimentary!
Unless you're specifically with someone & completely ignoring them in order to lavish attention on someone else who they may consider a threat then you should have nowt to worry about.

You can flirt with me anytime!

Nalz

panda100 wrote:

Can guys see that some girls just flirt to be friendly or does she come across as a bit of a tart?

Yeah some can alright, but with others that garden path sayin comes to mind. As long as its not over done and you dont wreck some poor fcukers head!

Canis Lupus

I wouldn't call a flirty girl a tart but a flirty girl can be a bit of a head wreck if the guy does know your flirty. If said guy knows then a flirty girl is usually fun.

panda100

UberNewb wrote:

There's no point in flirting with us blokes unless you want to take it further! There's a name for girls who do that. All of the girls I'm friendly with didn't have to flirt to make male friends. I would hate to be your boyfriend!!

But i cant just seem to stop it-its my natural instinct to flirt when i meet someone new whether i have romantic inclinations or not.But i just see myself as being friendly whereas all my mates would be saying i was totallly flirting.

Also to add to pandas prediciment-if i really fancy someone i will totally stop flirting.I wont be stand offish and rude but il definatly be a lot quiter and not as tactile etc.However,with guys i dont fancy as much i have no probs flirting with.what can i do to make it the other way around?

UberNewb

panda100 wrote:

But i cant just seem to stop it-its my natural instinct to flirt when i meet someone new whether i have romantic inclinations or not.But i just see myself as being friendly whereas all my mates would be saying i was totallly flirting

It's my natural instinct to smoke right now, but I've quit. You can and should tone it down by the sounds of things.

panda100 wrote:

I asked me mates what is my best quality-they all 'jokingly' said back that i could flirt with the pope given half the chance.Ive been told this on numerous occasions by friends that i am an uncontrollable flirt.

If your mates are telling you this and you've been told this on numerous occasions, then the type of flirting that you've being doing is a little more than just the flashing of your eyelashes.

I spent all of New Years Eve being flirted to by an over the top girl only to head home alone so you could say I'm a little bitter! :eek:

panda100

UberNewb wrote:

It's my natural instinct to smoke right now, but I've quit. You can and should tone it down by the sounds of things.



If your mates are telling you this and you've been told this on numerous occasions, then the type of flirting that you've being doing is a little more than just the flashing of your eyelashes.

I spent all of New Years Eve being flirted to by an over the top girl only to head home alone so you could say I'm a little bitter! :eek:

whatever you say ubernewb(panda flutters eyelahes)

sorry couldnt resist!

UberNewb

Just posting my opinion!

Here are some tips on how to avoid becoming a toxic flirt
Do
# Have fun! Flirt, get out there, enjoy yourself – but also control yourself. Use your flirting with tact.
# Be on guard for people who are trying to play you. Keep your eyes open and don't give too much of yourself away too soon.
# Use your flirting skills to get to know people, not as an end in themselves.

Don't
# Be a toxic flirt, addicted to leading people on. You’ll end up messing up other people, and yourself.
# Flirt to get attention and flattery. Get your self-esteem from within yourself, not from people who don't know the real you.
# Assume that playing games is the way to a man's heart. Don't try to make him jealous by flirting with other men, pretending you don't remember him when he calls or telling him you're busy for the next two weeks. A nice man will take these indicators as a snub and may decide not to ring you again.

Talliesin

Bah, sod it, flirting is fun.

Tranzz

Hi Panda
Keep it up girl there's nothing wrong with it at all, I flirt all the time with men and women it's not a deliberate action it just happens naturally it's part of my personality and I like that I can be that sociable and comfortable around people. There's no harm in it, it boosts your confidence and the person being flirted with is usually flattered so where's the harm, everyones a winner.

You go girl

*Shelly*

Ok there's is nothing wrong with being too flirtatious. I tend to do a lot of flirting as i find its the easiest way to start conversations etc. Stupid i know but flirting is a laugh. As long as you're not actually pouncing on someone in public i find no problem with it.

connundrum

Tranzz wrote:

everyones a winner.

Apart from the boyfriend (if there is one) who may have to see this and may have a problem with it. And apart from the odd guy who is being flirted with, believing that the flirting may actually be leading somewhere.. it could leads to v. akward situations and I have seen it happen.

Tranzz wrote:

You go girl.

I thought flirting being the new 'girlpower' thing fizzled out in the mid to late 90's.

Dizzyblabla

at work, they tell me I flirt down the phone... it's amazing when we've come to a stage where just being nice is construed as being flirtatious...

Tranzz

connundrum wrote:

Apart from the boyfriend (if there is one) who may have to see this and may have a problem with it. And apart from the odd guy who is being flirted with, believing that the flirting may actually be leading somewhere.. it could leads to v. akward situations and I have seen it happen.

Give me a break, So what should she do? suppress her personality incase her BF starts to feel inadequate. Or some guy might get the wrong idea because we all know that "every" girl who flirts is gagging for it. IMO It's just harmless fun.

I thought flirting being the new 'girlpower' thing fizzled out in the mid to late 90's.

I was a slow starter

monroe

talking about phones..

My ex manager rang me and left a message on my voicemail....

Next day I discovered he then went and told everyone at work that a pornographic sounding answering message....!?!

On telling my sis this she replied 'oh yeah, i meant to say, your messageminder thing sounds really dirty..'

Promptly changed! lol

JustCoz

All girls flirt now and again and I don't see anything wrong with having a laugh with guys when your out but if you are too over the top or do it too often it can cause problems. There were major problems with a friend of mine a couple of years ago because whenever we went out she would flirt with every man in sight and it got really irritating. She used to flirt with people that we ( her friends) fancied. One night she was flirting her ass off with the love of my friends life and he tried to kiss her. My friend got really upset but "Flirty" said its not my fault I didn't kiss him back. But tbh any guy would have tried to kiss her if she acted that way with them.

For my friend it was a total attention thing. She's a bit better now coz there was a massive fight and a few of my friends didn't talk to her for a long time. Unfortunately other girls can be threatened by flirty girls and its not much fun for the boyfriend either to have to watch their girlfriend flirting with other guys

The Corinthian

Coming onto someone and flirting are separate creatures. The latter is harmless fun, while the former, being an indirect sexual proposition, is not. Flirting lets the other party know (or believe) that you think they’re attractive; coming onto someone lets the other party know (or believe) that you want to have a physical relationship with them.

So if flirting goes too far and becomes someone coming onto someone else, then I can understand how your partner may be upset. If it’s simple flirting and your partner is upset, then they’re very insecure in themselves.

Stabshauptmann

I flirt with every woman in work, [strike]even[/strike] especially the managers. They all flirt back. Its harmless fun.

One of my friends flirts with everyone. The only problem is she intimidates shy ppl.

In both cases ppl know Im messing, and ppl know my female fiend is messing because 1) we are OTT 2) laugh a lot and 3) are seen to flirt with *Anyone*

That being said, one person I know is a head wrecking bitch because of the way she flirts with ppl. She comes across as sincere when shes not interested and clearly takes advantage of and minipulates ppl with her looks.

Flirting is fun. If yoy dont want to be called a tart follow my formula (serves me well 70-80% of the time) and stay away from stupid ppls partner)

Zombrex

panda100 wrote:

Can guys see that some girls just flirt to be friendly

Sort answer, no,

And it really confuses most guys when a girl seems to be flirting with them and then does exactly the same with another guy and the next and the next. This confusion (along with frustration and embarrashment) leads to them getting pissed off, which leads to them saying not very nice things about a girl, like she is a "tart" or a "prick tease"

See most guys find it hard enought to figure out if a girl likes them or not, without girls seeming to like them and not really.

So, while really I don't think you are being dishonest or anything (and I hate the term "prick tease") it would probably be helpful to the poor guys you are hanging around with if you didn't flirt with them unless you were attracted to them.

Put it another way, you wouldn't be nasty to a person and not expect them to take offense and assume you don't like them. It works both ways, if you seem overly nice to someone, if you seem flirtatious to someone, they are going to assume you like them.

AngryBadger

I think the problem with flirting all the time is that people don't know when you're serious and when you're not, which can make it kind of hard to develop any sense of trust. If you meet a guy that you're interested in, and the two of you start hitting it off, if he then sees you flirting with everyone else that wanders by, he's going to think you're just a tease, which is fine in itself, but why would any guiy want to put time into someone like that?

Don't misunderstand what I'm saying, I love flirts, they're a great laugh, but you can't assume that fella know when you're serious, (as in interested), and when you're just having the craic.

Well look at it like this, do you only 'flirt' with men? You say you're just being friendly but if you're only 'friendly' to males, of course it will look like a teasing or sexual thing. I know several girls who are really open and touchy-feely, who you'd say were flirts but they're equally friendly to other girls, touching the arm when talking, etc. With them its definitely not sexual, they're just warm and outgoing people. I also know girls who are icy beeatches with other girls, and a chatterbox with guys. There is a big difference.

panda100

UberNewb wrote:

Just posting my opinion!

Here are some tips on how to avoid becoming a toxic flirt
Do
# Have fun! Flirt, get out there, enjoy yourself – but also control yourself. Use your flirting with tact.
# Be on guard for people who are trying to play you. Keep your eyes open and don't give too much of yourself away too soon.
# Use your flirting skills to get to know people, not as an end in themselves.

Don't
# Be a toxic flirt, addicted to leading people on. You’ll end up messing up other people, and yourself.
# Flirt to get attention and flattery. Get your self-esteem from within yourself, not from people who don't know the real you.
# Assume that playing games is the way to a man's heart. Don't try to make him jealous by flirting with other men, pretending you don't remember him when he calls or telling him you're busy for the next two weeks. A nice man will take these indicators as a snub and may decide not to ring you again.

good advice ubernewb-your right aboot the donts of flirting and i think i may have been teetering on the edge of this at the end of last year!will take it down a notch or two!thanks

UberNewb

Good for you Panda100!

Jonny Arson

AngryBadger wrote:

I think the problem with flirting all the time is that people don't know when you're serious and when you're not, which can make it kind of hard to develop any sense of trust.

Yeah that's spot on. That's a problem I think I have too. I do flirt in a friendly way (not sexual at all) with girls but I'm quite worried that I may be overdoing it and my friendly flirting is being interpreted in the wrong manner by women since I don't be like that at all with blokes as I'm far more comfortable around girls than blokes. However that's just me, I don't think I'll be able to change that.

Panda, I say continue to be yourself but maybe be a little bit more cautious as to what you do or say around people. I can tell for a fact most blokes adore flirting, ok there will be a few who will get a bit scared but there will be more who will love it! I've also met you in person a few times and honestly I don't think you're a mega flirt at all simply more a really down to earth friendly girl. Maybe you're friends see a different side to you than what I have seen! *awaits scandal*

Talliesin

Wicknight wrote:

And it really confuses most guys when a girl seems to be flirting with them and then does exactly the same with another guy and the next and the next.

In that case "most guys" are pretty damn stupid really.

panda100

Talliesin wrote:

In that case "most guys" are pretty damn stupid really.

yep that about sums it up talliesin

Zombrex

Talliesin wrote:

In that case "most guys" are pretty damn stupid really.

Why? If someone is being flirty with you would you not think they like you? Or do you wait for them to actually say "I like you a lot" ala Dumb and Dumber?

Talliesin

Wicknight wrote:

Why? If someone is being flirty with you would you not think they like you?

Of course I'd think they like me, that doesn't mean they'd want to jump into bed with me. I don't want to sleep with everyone I flirt with, so why should I assume anyone flirting with me is any different.

Zombrex

Talliesin wrote:

Of course I'd think they like me, that doesn't mean they'd want to jump into bed with me. I don't want to sleep with everyone I flirt with, so why should I assume anyone flirting with me is any different.

Who said anything about "jumping into bed?"

We are talking about if a girl is actually interested romantically/emotional/physically etc in a guy she is flirting with.

The OP is basically saying she flirts with guys she has no romantic interest or attraction to, just as a method of being friendly.

I am saying this confuses the crap out of guys (and girls if it was a guy I would imagine), because they take the flirting on face value as a genuine sign that the girl is actually interested in them. When it turns out that she is not, they guy can feel embarrassed, disappointed and frustrated, and this can lead to anger towards the woman, often in the form of name calling, like prick tease, tart etc, which are all descriptions of a girl who "manipulates" men. I am not saying the OP, or girls who appear flirty, are actually manipulating men, I am just explaining the logic behind it.

Calling someone who is confused by the actions like those of the OP "stupid" is hardly objective, especially considering you yourself admit that you would find her actions confusing if directed at you.

Red Alert

i often flirt with women just harmlessly. it breaks the ice, especially when they flirt back! i think i do it too much sometimes, i just find it comes naturally sometimes and other times i couldn't flirt if i wanted to. :rolleyes:

having met the OP, she's really quite friendly, nothing wrong with that at all - more i say.

AngryBadger

Talliesin wrote:

In that case "most guys" are pretty damn stupid really.

Or..some women are so insecure about themselves they need to feel that there's at least 6 guys after them at any given time, and they won't put anything serious out there until you present them with a signed marraige cert.

Or maybe that was just you being incredibly stupid, just a thought

Talliesin

Wicknight wrote:

Calling someone who is confused by the actions like those of the OP "stupid" is hardly objective, especially considering you yourself admit that you would find her actions confusing if directed at you.

I admitted no such thing.

Zombrex

Talliesin wrote:

Of course I'd think they like me

Talliesin wrote:

I admitted no such thing.

:rolleyes:

Moving swiftly on ....

Red Alert wrote:

i often flirt with women just harmlessly.

True it can be harmless, but do you ever wonder if all the girls actually understand that you are not interested in them romantically?

Talliesin

:rolleyes:
You're not going to flirt with someone you absolutely detest unless you've serious self-esteem issues. If someone is flirting with you they almost definitely like you at least a bit, that's all I said.

I am beginning to see how you may find understanding just what someone is saying in such situations difficult though.

Zombrex

Talliesin wrote:

If someone is flirting with you they almost definitely like you at least a bit, that's all I said.

Not really. The OP says she flirts for "fun", with no romance on her mind. I would imagine by "fun" she means to feel more comfortable in social situations, in the way some people crack jokes to put people around them, and themselves, at ease. As Red Alert says he flirts to break the ice. Neither are interested in the people they are flirty with in any romantic capasity. I imagine if any of the people they "harmlessly" flirt with turned around and said "so you want to meet for a coffee tomorrow" they would run a mile.

I have a few friends like this, and I myself tend to flirt in arkward social situations, such as meeting someone of the opposite sex in a social situation. And I have got in trouble over this, had an accussation that I was leading someone one, more than once, so I try not to do it any more.

As AngryBadger suggested, this is more an act of insecurity on the part of the person doing the flirty that any general interest in the person they are flirtying with.

The OP says she is finding it hard to "break the habit", which would suggest the OP has become so used to using flirty as a method to interact in social circles that she doesn't really know how interact without being flirty.

It reminded me of a converstation I had with a very flirty friend of mine (you can pretty much guarrentee she will be sitting on the lap with her arms around the neck of every new guy she meets after about an hour) last year. Basically she said she didn't want to meet her new boyfriends male friends because she didn't think she could get on with them with out flirtying with them, which obviously the boyfriend would not be too happy about if she did. Basically my friend felt a night in a pub with a group of guys that she couldn't interact with through flirtying would be too socially arkward for her to deal with.

Talliesin wrote:

I am beginning to see how you may find understanding just what someone is saying in such situations difficult though.

I do. The flirty friend I mentioned above, when I first met her about 5 years ago I though she was wonderful and really into me. When she is talking to you you are the centre of her attention, and she is really flirty, sitting on your lap, hands over your neck talking to you like no one else was in the pub. Until I noticed she was like this with everyone. Then I was confused.

Flirty is a method of showing romantic attraction towards another person. We are biologically designed to interpret these signals as signs of attraction. It is the human version of sticking your arse in the air and pissing on a tree trunk (though some of my friends after a few vodkas still use this more primitive method).

panda100

Wicknight wrote:

The OP says she is finding it hard to "break the habit", which would suggest the OP has become so used to using flirty as a method to interact in social circles that she doesn't really know how interact without being flirty.

yep-u've got it in one there.I find that flirting helps me feel confident in a social situation and relaxes me and thats why i do it.so i suppose your right when you say i wouldnt know how to socially interact particularly with guys without flirting.All my good guy friends i know well and they know flirting is in my personality and they see it as a bit of fun and not that im coming onto them.However,id like to meet more guy friends without always them thinking something romantic is going to happen.Because i often find when they discover that i was just being friendly with them and have no intention of romantic things happening then they back off.which is annoying because many of the guys ive met in college id like to be friends with but the minute they know im not intrested in kissing them etc they claim that i was leading them on and flirting with them,when i wasnt flirting is just my way in meeting new people!This is why id like to break my habit!dunno im probably not making sense.....

sceptre

Wicknight wrote:

Why? If someone is being flirty with you would you not think they like you? Or do you wait for them to actually say "I like you a lot" ala Dumb and Dumber?

Actually, in my case, that's what it would take (and it's always been so). I'm close to an amateur expert on interpreting the small movements others make when they're talking to other people, eye movement, body movement, pupil dilation, foot placement and anything else you can think of. If anyone's talking to me and is after anything more I've always required a printed sign. Then again (cue world's smallest violin) until recently it's been some significant time since I would have been bothered so I may not be typical in that regard.

Girlfriend

panda100 wrote:

...id like to meet more guy friends without always them thinking something romantic is going to happen.Because i often find when they discover that i was just being friendly with them and have no intention of romantic things happening then they back off.which is annoying because many of the guys ive met in college id like to be friends with but the minute they know im not intrested in kissing them etc they claim that i was leading them on and flirting with them,when i wasnt flirting is just my way in meeting new people!.....

If flirting is being done well, then you cannot prove that someone is flirting. (IMO)

Too many people seem to confuse it with come-on signals. Like once you touch someone, it can be a bit much, and maybe a bit threatening/predatory?

You say you wanna make more male friends - why? I'm a self confessed "girly-girl" but have found myself spending a lot of time in mostly male company recently, mainly because my college class is made up mostly of boys. And boy-mates are not the same as girl-mates. They do not ring/text friends of either sex as much as girls, and generally don't ring/text girls too much unless they're attracted or think they're "in there". My male friends have confessed as much anyway!

It's not a bad thing to be a flirt. Just take a reality check every so often and make sure you're not just using your sexuality to get attention. It's a horrible feeling to realise that someone you thought was your friend was just looking at you in a sexual way (and it's partly your own fault!).

nobodythere

Well is it really just friendly? Would you flirt with someone you didn't find attractive? Honestly?

I think the answer will be no, because you'd give off all the wrong signals. Flirting with a guy gives him the impression that you're interested, and when you turn around and say that you're not after all that is just the old typical women fscking with his head sh*te

Stabshauptmann

panda, I can definitly say after thursday night you are NOT to flirty. Mori and his habbit of hugging randomers, thats a different story...

panda100

Kaptain Redeye wrote:

panda, I can definitly say after thursday night you are NOT to flirty. Mori and his habbit of hugging randomers, thats a different story...

Well obviously i was doing my best that night to be extra non flirty cos i knew everyone would probably have read this thread!:p

humbert

Was wondering what all the talk of pandas flirtatious ways was about, ye people don’t miss a thread! I completely agree, flirting socially is fun and I don’t think you’ve anything to worry about. If a guy automatically assumes that means you fancy him he’s being an arrogant ‘so and so’ or just takes himself too seriously, his problem!

Moriarty

Kaptain Redeye wrote:

Mori and his habbit of hugging randomers, thats a different story...

I'll remember that >_>

LegacyUser

Flirting is about playing with boundaries and making someone feel flatterred. Its just that sometimes you get more than you bargained for.