How Long Is Too Long?

LegacyUser

This is a pretty basic question...I just don't really know how to approach this scenario...and I suppose I need a bit of a rant too, clear my head.

Im 23, but when I was about 15 I met this girl who was really cool and she really fell for me, but it wasn't 100% returned...we were close friends though. I know up untill I was about 17 she really liked me and we had a on/off kind of relationship and there were stages where I really liked her, or she really liked me, but at that moment in time the other person wasn't interested or in a position to persue it...but I don't know, we just never got together, it just never worked out despite a lot of sexual tension between us up untill we were about 20/21 ... anyway we both had a kind of bond, we both sufferd from depression and we drifted in and out of our friendships...She was always better at keeping in touch than me...we went through a lot of crap in our time, and when it really came down to it, sometimes we were the only people left who were there for eachother..

So a couple of years ago I messed up big time with a lot of people, pissed a lot of people off, did some messed up things and was basicly a dick as a result of drink and drugs...So I burnt every bridge I had at the time..and I mean litteraly. I got up one morning, decided I was sick of my life as it was, I cut out all the drugs, got my drinking well under control and even gave up smoking...I never returned peoples calls, went to see them and in 2 years, from that moment on, I have never spoken to any of my old friends...and on the rare occasion I would bump into somebody, I would make a hastey get away..I've been lucky to date though and have managed not to bump into too many people, helped by the fact I know the types of places they drink in and avoid them like the plauge.

Recently though I can't stop thinking about this girl and at the time I burnt my bridges I had really strong feelings for her and she hadn't felt the same for about a year before that, so It was always so difficult to see her, likeing her so much and knowing she didn't feel the same...the last time I heard from her was about a year/year and a half ago, it was a kind of knowing message on my answering machiene that I wasn't going to call back, just said "It'd be nice to hear from you"...

So now I want to get back in touch, but the mere thought of making that call turns my stomach...what would I say? How would I explain myself? How can you blank somebody for over a year and then just call them back up? Granted she knew I was going through a lot of sh|t at the time but I just don't know how i'm going to do this...I have this horrible gut feeling that I'm not going to make this call and in my heart of hearts I know if I don't do it now, the chances of me never seeing her again are quite high...

All I want is to meet up with her...I hate the phone and it would be so much easier if it was face to face to even just catch up...but to do that I would have to get through the phone call and do a lot of the catcing up and explaining there, which is exactly what I don't want...

What can I do? And how exactly should I approach this?

Thanks for reading and Thanks a million in advance for comments and suggestions...I really need them.

DonkeyStyle \o/

BridgeBurner wrote:

I have this horrible gut feeling that I'm not going to make this call and in my heart of hearts I know if I don't do it now, the chances of me never seeing her again are quite high...

If that thought scares you, then you might aswell give it a shot... at least then, a few years from now, if she moves off somewhere else, or you otherwise can't contact her, you won't be wondering what might have been... or worse, years later wanting to get back in touch but not being able to.
If you've got cold feet about the call, let this fear be your motivation.

BridgeBurner wrote:

So now I want to get back in touch, but the mere thought of making that call turns my stomach...what would I say? How would I explain myself? How can you blank somebody for over a year and then just call them back up?

Well just be realistic about it... one of two things will happen... either she'll want to meet up and talk or she'll be mad as hell at you and the conversation will be short and awkward... or both... or the hidden third option of "oh yeah, we must do that sometime... :rolleyes: "
Since you don't usually see this person anyway, all you risk is an embaressing phonecall... it takes courage to make that kind of call, but if you think you had something worth saving with that person, then swallow your pride and do it.
The whole "I know I've been ignoring you for over a year but..." thing passes more quickly than you'd think. (if the other person doesn't still absolutely hate you that is :v:)

BridgeBurner wrote:

And how exactly should I approach this?

It's up to you, we don't know your life or what exactly happened with this person... but if you've been thinking about her as much as you say you have, then I think you already know what you want to say.

My only specific advise would be to call sober and during non-crazy people hours... don't even think about having a few for "courage".
Don't offer or expect anything more than a polite catch-up... maybe it'll turn into a friendship, maybe it'll be nothing but closure... nobody can tell the future for you.

You should think about the circle of friends around her though... would these people be many of the same people you've been avoiding or have fallen out with? ... would being around that circle of friends lead you back to abusing drink and drugs? ... I don't know, but there are some people you're just better off without. It's easy to slip into old habbits with old friends.

Nobody can tell you what to expect or what to do, I suppose all you can do is ask yourself the right questions.

AdviseMan

A call from someone she hasn't heard from in a year might catch her abit off guard and might be a bit weird.

I'd suggest maybe give her a text along the lines of "howiya, haven't spoken to you in ages, would really like to catch up, fancy a coffee". Then give her a call within a day even if she doesn't text you back. That way she won't be shocked when she gets your call and hopefully it'll be less awkward.

The Clown Man

What have you got to lose.

You aren't in contact with her anyway so if she doesn't want to then you are only back where you started. More than likely though she will. Most people love to catch up with old friends. And if you were that close then she'll no doubt forgive you very fast just so she can catch up.

Fúck the stomach turns. Ignore them and call. And they'll go away after no matter what the result.

LegacyUser

Ok, first of all, I never did anything to hurt or insult her (except completely ignore her for a year and a bit ), just thought I'd clear that up...

I left behind a lifestyle, a reputation and a lot of tricky times, it was deffenatly a weird time in both our lives really...

I made a clean break..every single person i knew in the world, except my family, I completely cut out of my life and have never seen since...I started fresh, have all new friends now, a whole new life and it was the best decision I ever made...I beat all the drugs, drink, messed up depression and everything...Life is great right now..

When I left she was doing a lot better than me, but i was worried at the time, because she had dropped out of college, her boyfriend was a ****ing dick, and if nothing else, I just want to know she's ok..not still being a bum, wasting her life like both of us used to! I know she's smarter than that, I know she'll have got her life together...but now that i have, I can't help worrying about her...She's worth so much more than that, these people make her a ****ing waister!! (obviously I probably shouldn't open with that if/when I see her ...) No, i would never mention anything like that...

I think I will bottle it and just send a txt, but I don't even know if she still has her old number...but we'll see...is that a complete cop out though? A text after all this time? but I totaly agree with the catching off guard thing...if i was in the middle of having lunch in the office, relaxing at the wknd or in the pub some night or whatever and got a call off her! I wouldn't know how to react!

Plus, i've got a different phone number now, so she would probably answer without even nowing what she was letting herself in for! (i would let it go to voicemail if i knew )

You may think this is mental...it's just an old friend, call them!

But It's not that simple...this is really messed up, this is the first time i've shown my face to that part of my life for a long time, it's dificult to have the courage...A lot of bad memorys come from that corner of my life, she's the only part I want to take with me...

LegacyUser

just send a txt saying who is this sorry old name on the phone bla bla
if its her mobile number that you have anyway

Loomis

You said that if you don't do it now you may lose the chance for ever.That alone tells me you like or have liked this girl an awful lot.If you don't at least try,see if she's even single,then you will wonder about this for years!
I think you should call.Be fairly breezy to begin with;saying you're just calling cause something reminded you recently of school and it got you thinking of her.Something along those lines.Just get the conversation going.
After asking how she is et cetera I'd go on to say that yes you got her last message and there was a reason you hadn't replied.Simply tell her the truth.You weren't really ready.
You said you prefer things in person as opposed over the phone (totally agree with you there) so with that I'd ask her would she like to meet up for lunch or something where you could actually tell her what and why you did with your life;breaking all ties...
If she doesn't hang up I'd take that as a good sign.If she agrees to meet up then great.Maybe she's with someone but even if she is I think she'd afford you the meeting considering your history.
Good luck