Should I contact an ex friend from college after hearing that her fiance died?

CathyMoran

I have just found out that the fiance of someone that I was best friends with in college died recently in very tragic circumstances. The problem is that we parted on less than good terms 9 years ago. My imediate reaction is to send a condolance card at the very least but I do not want to rake up the past either at what must be an incredibly hard time for my old friend. Added to this is the fact that the reason why I left the group was to get a guy who briefly dated me and the other girl in the group together (they are now married), not the reason that they think. Help please - should I contact her?

Millie1

God....thats a tough one....but honestly I can't see that it would do any harm to send a card. She may be pleased to hear from you...9 years is a long time! At least if you send a card she has the option to get in touch or not, but you have done your bit.

qz

Yeah, I'd send her the card. She can do what she likes after that, but at least you'll know that you did the right thing.

CathyMoran

There is a chance of going to the funeral - the body is abroad and it will take a while for the body to be taken home and the funeral arrangements - should I go to the funeral? TBH I am still shaking at the thought of what happened to her, she was very near him when he died and it must have been horrible.

Victor

If you want, go to the church (I'm assuming) for the removal and check out the vibe. Then consider the next move.

The_B_Man

no, just contact ur old friend! in her state, shes hardly gonna have the energy to get angry at people and I'm sure she'll appreciate the support. tel ur friend how upset ur are at the death and all that. she'll hardly pick a fight with you! have faith in people!

Hagar

Yes, definitely. Life is too short. You have a chance to re-connect with a lost friend. Don't pass it up. What is the worst that could happen? You might have an embarassing moment? I'd take a chance.

CathyMoran

I was in contact with her uncle when mum got seriously ill and I did try and contact the other friend and her then husband (who was one of my best friends for years) a few years ago but I obviously could not and would not say why I left without a word...sorry, this is complex. Maybe the removal is no harm. She was living abroad with her fiance when the accident happened but I can not imagine her staying there afterwards. Sorry, it is just so shocking the whole thing.

Millie1

Forget the past..it was a long time ago....If you feel like its the right thing to do..go to the removal but if not at least send a card....Doesn't this situation show us that life is too short?

simu

Send a condolences card. Why not?

Go to the removal and when all the people are going up the aisle to shake the hands of the bereaved, you join the queue and shake the persons hand aswell.

A week later just send a nice note and include a contact number if you want.
You can do no more really.
Theres no need to bring up the reasons behind what happened years ago unless you are asked if your friend subsequently decides to regain the friendship.
In fact it may have all been forgotten about.

SexeeAussie

I would personally send a card, I wouldn't go to the funeral, but that is just me. I wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable (even if there is only a slight chance).

JMO

sceptre

CathyMoran wrote:

Help please - should I contact her?

What you should do depends on what you want to do. Can't hurt to send a card, pop your phone number in there too if you like.

LundiMardi

personally, 9 years has past.. just forget about it imo.

Kablamo!

card, removal.

i'd avoid the funeral imo.

Heyes

Hey Cathy,

I would most definately send a card, and yes i would go to the removal / funeral. You were friends before, and yes things happened that drove you apart, but this is going to be one of the most heartbreaking points in her life, and I am sure she will appreciate every help or arm to lean on that she can get.

I say shake those nerves away and stand up and go. As she will be so distraught you may not get a lot of responce on the day, but i would say it will mean so much to hear that you took the time and effort to go.

I would also definately send the card, and yes DO put your contact details in it.

Let us know what you decide

McGinty

Hi, just to add to the comments, I would send a card and a letter to your friend, but I would advice against going to the removal and funeral, my reasons are that she may or may not see you, and it is a highly emotional time. My sister died a few months ago, and to be honest the removal and funeral were a blur, it was dreadful to get through and some former friends got in touch with me to express their sympathy, however for me it pissed me off (they rang and left messages) I was annoyed because I had never heard from them prior and I can be a contrary bugger, but your friend may different from me. However a letter and a card can really make a difference, our family got a beautiful card and letter of this woman who we never really liked, but her lovely letter completely changed our perspective on her, and we knew it was geniune. I'm not saying my advice is right, I'm just giving my perspective on things, but the best of luck and hope it all works out.

CathyMoran

Have been talking it over with my family who all knew her. I was very much in shock yesterday after seeing her in the paper grieving...TBH, I am still very upset about it. It has dragged up the past, but I do also feel that I have lost lots of time that I could have had with a friend.

I have tried to contact one of the old group - so will see what happens next. My gut feeling is to go to the removal at the very least and to send a card. I do know that when mum got ill I appreciated anyone who gave support and would not have got through it without them, some people were the last people that I would expect and I still have a lot of respect for those people, in the end friends are there for you when times are bad...

AngryBadger

I'd send a card and leave it at that.

What you're talking about sounds like real old history, and I'm generally a "forward to the future" kind of guy. That notwithstanding, sending a card gets your point across, that you just want to offer your condolances and support if she wants to take you up on it. As a lot of people have said, there'll be a maelstrom of emotions in this woman's head and family at the moment, without knowing exactly what happened between ye I'd wonder if going to the burial and whatnot is just making yourself a focal point for any negative emotions she's dealing with right now.

If you send a card, and maybe a ittle message in it, that's enough IMO

CathyMoran

I do not really remember at this stage what happened in the past - the biggest thing for me was ensuring that the other two got together at the time. I have vague recolections of being irritated over the way she treated a boyfriend of hers but I think that was the sum of it, it was really small stuff.

Everyone makes mistakes and everyone should be allowed to grow, some of the people that are my best friends now are people that I was not close to at that stage in my life, I just bumped into them a few years later and their and my lives had changed...maybe I should have reached out and asked about her when I met her uncle but I was too upset over mum, though I would have welcomed hearing from her...

The picture of her haunts me though, such open grief, such loss...

CathyMoran

Have not heard a response from the mail I sent to one of the old group, so will let sleeping dogs be unless I hear anything, which is doubtful. I will send a condolance card - if I can find the time and place of the removal (the body has to come home), I may go but will stay at the back and will avoid contact with her on the day. Sorry, the whole thing was just really upsetting, it was horrible to see her so upset.

jonny68

Yeah id send a card alright i thinki after the initial shock the person would appreciate that gesture,if it were me id do the same.

[Jackass]

I would have left it man, but whatever...

My thinking is why would you? It's certainly not expected of you and may just remind your ex, who probably hasn't thought of you in years, of another unpleasent expeirience in her life...

Not being bad, but I would have just left it...maybe you could have sent your condolences through her uncle, but i certainly wouldn't have gone any further than that..

CathyMoran

I should clarify - it was not an unplesant break up. I just lost contact with the group...sure, it hurt, but the hurt was on my side. I felt that two of my best friends would find it harder to get together if I was around so I left.

This is why this whole thing is bringing up painful memories - I miss those people, but I did the right thing. Seeing someone that you care about in agony is horrible and I am feeling her pain...I have been there and I know how bad it is.