What to do?

vandermeyde

Sorry this is long but there's a lot to it

First the easy part...
Recently found out a female friend (who's also a colleague) is having an affair with one of the guys here in work...(she told me herself :eek: )

Now for the complications...
1. Mr Affair's wife also works in the company (in the same office as me!)
2. Her boyfriend is one of my best friends
3. Both she and Mr. Affair's wife are good friends with my own wife

She told me because at her christmas party, one of the senior managers came on to her and she blabbed out about the affair to get him off her back, she started panicking the next day that the truth would out so told me...

I know this sounds strange but its a big company with lots of employees....

Obviously, if this became public, there would be some major tensions within the company. I basically told her she should break up with her boyfriend (my friend) if she had any respect for him and that if she had any respect for Mr. Affair's wife and kids that she'd end it with him too....she told me she'd break up with boyfriend after christmas but has now decided that she'll do it in her own time....now, I know she's having her cake and eating it, but what can I do ? frankly its not really my business but when you can see a car crash about to happen should you intervene?

thing that really gets me is that she doesn't seem to care and I hate the fact that I have this "secret" from my wife, friend and colleagues...

what would you do?

Kiera

Jeeze that’s a real tricky one. Could she not just finish it with the boss and start over with the boyfriend (without telling him of course)?? Would be the easier option I reckon.

The_B_Man

Well Andy, Its not totally like te car crash scenario u mentioned.

If u blab, things will "crash" quite rapidly and the fan will certainly need a clean, but if u leave it (after all, its not ur business), you give the gf the chance to "swerve" to avoid the "crash". haha does that make sense?

vandermeyde

I won't mention women drivers so!!

keeping schtum is the only option I have, I know, but its tough watching her all lovey dovey with my friend knowing shes getting her rocks off with someone else behind his back; same way its tough listening to Mr.Affairs wife talk about christmas, kids etc. knowing her hubby is getting his rocks off elsewhere.....

as I said, not really my business, but it feels like I'm the only one with a conscience....

AngryBadger

I think I'd be inclined to say it to your friend. If this comes out down the line, it'll probably come out that you knew, and he may well hate you for it. At least if you tell him now, or even just suggest to him, "look you need to ask herself some hard questions", ur giving him the headsup, he may not like it, but at this point it's all you can do for a bit of damage control.

um7y1h83ge06nx

I say keep quiet. If things come out, they will be a lot of anger and some anger could end up being aimed at you. The good old "Why didn't you say something earlier" line may come into play. It's definitely a car crash waiting to happen, just don't get caught up in the carnage yourself.

AngryBadger

Rogelio Scrawny Cash wrote:

The good old "Why didn't you say something earlier" line may come into play.

I reckon that's highly likely, the only reason I can think of for her telling you in the first place is to put you in this position. How bad for her if she can deflect some of her partner's anger when it all does come out

Kiera

Why not tell her you're going to tell her bf unless she ends it all now?

alfa147

she sounds like a right stupid hooker.. if i was u id tell ur friend and find some plan of getting her fired.

fair enough ur mate might be pissed off but it would do more damage to the married man and his wife if it got out in the firm.

sounds like a bogey situation.:eek:

chandira

you said she's going out with one of your best friends? If my best mate knew my gf was having an affair I'd bloody well want to know. It's a sticky situation, but seems to me your loyalty should be to your friend in all this.

McGinty

Sounds like a very tricky situation, because it is possible if you tell your friend, he may, metaphorically speaking shoot the messenger, however if you keep quiet and he finds out another way and knows that you know, it could also affect the friendship. Do you know how he would react if you told (would he believe you), the reason I ask because I was in a somewhat similar position as you, a boyfriend of a former friend was cheating on her and when I told her she thought I was lying and trying to spilt them up, so our friendship broke. So I said say ask yourself how would he react? Maybe get into a hypothetical conversation and see what his views are on this kind of stuff.

Secondly I would tell this girl she is incredibly selfish dumping her crap onto you and also say that if she doesn't sort it out asap, that you will tell your mate, give her a time limit. As for the morality of their actions (girl and husband) they have to look themselves in the mirror and they have to live with their conscience, sometimes things aren't what they seem. Your concern should be for your friend and yourself.

Airblazer

vandermeyde wrote:

Sorry this is long but there's a lot to it

First the easy part...
Recently found out a female friend (who's also a colleague) is having an affair with one of the guys here in work...(she told me herself :eek: )

Now for the complications...
1. Mr Affair's wife also works in the company (in the same office as me!)
2. Her boyfriend is one of my best friends
3. Both she and Mr. Affair's wife are good friends with my own wife

She told me because at her christmas party, one of the senior managers came on to her and she blabbed out about the affair to get him off her back, she started panicking the next day that the truth would out so told me...

I know this sounds strange but its a big company with lots of employees....

Obviously, if this became public, there would be some major tensions within the company. I basically told her she should break up with her boyfriend (my friend) if she had any respect for him and that if she had any respect for Mr. Affair's wife and kids that she'd end it with him too....she told me she'd break up with boyfriend after christmas but has now decided that she'll do it in her own time....now, I know she's having her cake and eating it, but what can I do ? frankly its not really my business but when you can see a car crash about to happen should you intervene?

thing that really gets me is that she doesn't seem to care and I hate the fact that I have this "secret" from my wife, friend and colleagues...

what would you do?

he's one of your best mates...u tell him..
if u were in his position what would you want your best mate to do?
as for the cvnt..tough ****..

Sharp

Had the same problem years ago.


Good friends with a guy i worked with he's girlfriend was in the same company everyone knew she was with anything she could get her has on.

Said nothing.

Then he suprised her with an engagement ring in the pub

,he was over the moon,

but i kept hearing the storys, finaly met her in town wrapped around a

guy one night told to keep quite.


But it bugged me so told him, the look on his face still remember it.

She of course denied it. And they both blamed me for stiring it.

He never spoke to me again and they got married as far as i know dont know

if their still together. We all moved jobs soon after so never seen him again.


Just giveing you a worst case.


I keep quite and if it all comes out , laugh it off say she was pissed and you

thought she was a winding you up. And change the conversation you had

with her round a little bit i.e she only hinted she fancied the other guy.

Think of damage limitation on your part.

And don't be supprised if an engagement ring pops up anytime soon.

Victor

Ask the HR people! (assumming you don't work in the HR department).

Chucky the tree

How can you even think about not saying anything? ITs one of your best mates.

Tell him straight away.

mad m

@vandermeyde

If I were you I'd goto the doctors and tell doctor exactly what you wrote here,say it has played heavy on your mind and you feel like a cloud of depression has set in on you(actually it could do).
Go sick from work till the shit hits fan,and deny you knew anything.:)


But seriously dont forget to tell your wife because if it does blow up and she finds out you knew you might not be the flavour of the month anymore.

AngryBadger

mad m wrote:

@vandermeyde

If I were you I'd goto the doctors and tell doctor exactly what you wrote here,say it has played heavy on your mind and you feel like a cloud of depression has set in on you(actually it could do).
Go sick from work till the shit hits fan,and deny you knew anything.:)


But seriously dont forget to tell your wife because if it does blow up and she finds out you knew you might not be the flavour of the month anymore.

yeah, and be sure to ride the space camel to the moon right after you decide to bunk off work indefinitely, maybe you should get trashed before you visit the doctor, that'll really help your case.

Seriously, what was the point of that response if not to just pull the piss?

mad m

AngryBadger wrote:

yeah, and be sure to ride the space camel to the moon right after you decide to bunk off work indefinitely, maybe you should get trashed before you visit the doctor, that'll really help your case.

Seriously, what was the point of that response if not to just pull the piss?

The reply was not to you,so.....

I did say for him to tell his wife because in fact I think that to keep something like that from her even though she is in the circle of whats going on as she is friends etc....Well that is ofcourse if he hasnt told her yet.A problem shared as the saying goes.

So stop being an angrybadger....Having something like that information and keeping it bottled up cant be good.I'd say it would make you mentally sick,going to and fro as what to do....

Goodluck to the OP and whatever he decides to do,its not easy whatever way you look at it.

turbot

My thoughts on this are:

Communicate with this girl in a way that forces her (and the husband) to take responsibility for their actions, and thus relieve you of this responsibility she has assigned you, by involving you within this by telling you.

Tell her it's not your mess, and you are getting stressed out because of all the potential consquences of your relationships, good name and position in the company. Tell her you think it's low she sleeps with someone who has a wife and kids, and acknowledge that he shares equal responsibility in this.

If she doesn't really care, then she's in denial about, or actually doesn't care about the consequences of her actions. If this is so, make her care by:
- Telling her that you are really angry with her for putting you in the middle of it, and thus straining the quality of relationships you have with your friends.
- Tell her what you think of her for doing this.
- Encourage her to deal with it swiftly and responsibly and wisely because you can't guarantee it won't come out in a conversation with you.
- Acknowledge that she may feel guilty and in a difficult place herself, and if so, support her by acknowledging and dealing with this in ways to mitigate the hurt of all involved. Perhaps the only kind of support you can offer her is to give suggestions / perspectives on what to do now, to best deal with the situation responsibly.

It's better for you if:
- She (and possibly her husband) tells the people involved / affected
- It comes from her, because the messenger is often associated with the message

It's worth assuming:
- She, and probably even more so, the husband, are well versed in playing office politics
- She can be emotionally flaky, and behave to her advantage, and possibly to your detrminent.

Since you are probably friends with her, to some extent, because she is rather attractive, you might want to carefully evaluate any hold she has over you, and how this might affect you in acting wisely.

chump

Tell her she must end all shenanigans by moonshine tomorrow (I think the moons out already tonight)

If she doesn't finish things, come noontime the following day you will spread the word.

You will be the enforcer of morality and can hold your head high.

I'd probably just tell my friend though, if he was a friend.
I'd hope they'd do the same for me...

Dont be at yourself

I'd probably just tell my friend though, if he was a friend.
I'd hope they'd do the same for me...

Bingo. It'd be the biggest favour you could do them.

astrofool

You're a guy, so just tell the friend, don't start double guessing and making it overly complicated.

Once done, it'll all sort itself out.

pbsuxok1znja4r

The one small piece of advice I can safely give you is to at least tell your wife everything. You clearly don't owe this frankly deceitful girl anything, and it's completely unfair that you should be burdened and isolated in that sense from your wife just because of her dirty secret. So don't keep the secret from your wife and together you can both decide the most right thing to do.

Sharp

Yep,


Telling the Wife is crucial, if you don't and she finds out

you knew you'll have more to worry about.

You know your wife and the best way and time to tell her ,
the longer it drags out the less time you'll have to explain

Oh and your wife will wonder how come it took you so long to confide in her.


She may have an idea on how to solve the problem in her own way.

She may have more of an insight about this other woman.

Girly chats they may have had.

And may have her own muck to fling.

But not telling her and when the meltdown comes.

She'll be disgusted.

Mr Magnolia

scouser.tommy wrote:

The one small piece of advice I can safely give you is to at least tell your wife everything. You clearly don't owe this frankly deceitful girl anything, and it's completely unfair that you should be burdened and isolated in that sense from your wife just because of her dirty secret. So don't keep the secret from your wife and together you can both decide the most right thing to do.

Totally agree, a problem shared.......

vandermeyde

thanks for the answers guys and gals....I've been contemplating telling my wife for a while but as ever finding the right time isn't easy, not that there will be a "right" time to introduce a nice element of stress and tension, but you know what I mean....

as I said already, my wife is friends with both women and she'll be livid when she finds out what is going on.....

just as regards loyalty to my friend, I know he'll go ballistic when he finds out and that I'll take some of that flack (at least until he calms down) but my keeping schtum is more about Mr.Affair's wife and two kids than it is about my friend. He's only seeing this girl so he's a lot less to lose than than they will when/if this whole thing comes out.

It's a bit of a pickle alrite!

Thanks again.

Sleepy

He's a friend so treat him like one. He deserves to know he's going out with a lying bitch.

Tell the wife asap otherwise you're going to end up in the doghouse yourself...

Angels

Ok i think you should find a person in the office who's got the biggest mouth for gossip, tell them about the affair & presto they'll have it around the office in 5 minuten. Problem over everyone will find out & let it take it's course.

Make sure you ask the gossiper to keep it to herself/himself as to who told them.

A possibilty surely??

Civilian_Target

Sleepy wrote:

He's a friend so treat him like one. He deserves to know he's going out with a lying bitch.

I like this idea. Give the girl an ultimatum. Tell her she has until day x (where x is less than a week away) to end it, or that on the evening of day x, you'll tell her boyfriend all. That means she has to deal with it.

Civilian_Target

Civilian_Target wrote:

I like this idea. Give the girl an ultimatum. Tell her she has until day x (where x is less than a week away) to end it, or that on the evening of day x, you'll tell her boyfriend all. That means she has to deal with it.

Yeah I vote for that idea.

ravenhead

Have you thought about having a quiet word with Mr Affair? tell him that you know & that if he doesn't sort it out that you'll have to say something to your wife about it. I mean your wife isn't going to keep quiet about this when she hears it, so if you're worried about this guys wife & kids give him the chance to end it ... just a couple of days mind you, & if nothing happens then you really should help you're friend out cause what if you said nothing & your friend married this girl? His life would be crap!